


Cursed With A Blessing

by lunaloop



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends Larzaylea, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Insecure Luke, Lies, M/M, Mpreg, Muke Clemmings, Protective Michael, Sassy Arzaylea, also hurt/comfort, how could i forget - Freeform, i just went back to tag angst, tons of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:50:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 156,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8349709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaloop/pseuds/lunaloop
Summary: “Well, this probably sounds crazy and not many people know about this,” Dr London started, looking at both of us before finally revealing the results of the ultrasound: “Mr. Hemmings, you are about 12 weeks pregnant with what I believe is Mr. Clifford’s child.”
And while I still tried to process what I had just learnt, Luke burst into tears beside me. Just as if he’d already known.
_____________
When Luke asked Arzaylea to pretend to be his girlfriend, he did it because he wanted to protect his relationship with Michael. For a while everyone is happy with the agreement - the fans are being fooled, their managers are oblivious.
But suddenly there are too many positive tests, too many worries, too many fake friends and the tree find themselves drowning in a whole sea of lies they told...





	1. Chapter 1

**_Arzaylea_ **

 

"So, where are we gonna go next? I gotta be home by 06:00 pm,” the blonde boy walking beside me, who was carrying multiple shopping bags, asked, catching my gaze with his piercing blue eyes.

  
I shrugged and made a vague gesture with my hand, drawing the attention to the clothing shops on our right side. I definitely needed to get an outfit for tonight.

“Dunno. I kinda wanted to go to Victoria’s Secret, but if you gotta go we can do that next time. I still need clothes for this evening,” I explained.

“Alright, then let’s find something suitable.” He kindly smiled at me and I shook my head a little, turning towards the road in front of us. Momentarily, I was walking down one of the most popular shopping streets Los Angeles had to offer.

Now, just being in the Californian city all the movie stars chose to live in, let alone shopping for clothes there might seem fairly exciting to a lot of people – however, to me it was just normality.

I was so used to the warm sun on my skin and the expensive shops that I almost forgot about the mass of people around me, who my companion, being the 6’3’’ tall lead singer of a popular rockband, had attracted. Fortunately, nobody had talked to us so far and I hoped everything would remain the way it was as I didn’t feel like dealing with any bitchy comments made by sassy fans.

You could say the people didn’t exactly like me – well, admittedly, they truly seemed to hate me and even out here in Los Angeles, a city with millions of habitants, I could still feel the disapproving glares sent my way burn on my skin.

Not that I cared, though.

I pursed my lips as I swung my hips, wondering if my new lipstick still looked as awesome as it had when I had applied it earlier that day. A smile appeared on my face when I turned to the boy beside me, inquiring: “How does my make-up look, _babe_?”

“It’s fine,” Luke answered, polite as always, and I decided to grab his hand, which was a little hard for me since the top of my head barely reached his jawline. “Wow,” I breathed out suddenly, “I still need to go and buy clothes for the tour. Gotta look good, don’t I?”

“’course.” Luke ran his fingers through his blonde fringe before combing the hair out of his face, looking at me with widened eyes. “Damn, Arz, I still don’t understand how you can be so _relaxed_. The fans will freak out.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll sass them.” I gave him a confident smile and for a moment I could see admiration flare up in his eyes, as if he was admiring my self-esteem. “Wow, you really don’t care.”

“Nope, I really don’t. I exactly know what I’m doing, Lukey. Don’t worry about me getting hurt, focus on yourself.” I turned my face to him a little more, leaning forward and pressing a small kiss to his fabric-covered shoulder before focusing on the street again.

Letting my gaze wander, I kept walking straight down the road when I noticed a group of girls walking next to us, sending me hateful glares from time to time.

I secretly smirked at them, knowing how insecure they had to be if they chose to hate someone they didn’t even know themselves. My technique to deal with all the hatred was to simply ignore the occasional glances and hushed conversation – and so far it had perfectly worked out.

As I observed the girls I noticed how their expressions would immediately change from hateful to fond whenever the caught a glimpse of Luke biting his lip (which he, admittedly, did very often).

I raised my eyebrows at the girls, not impressed. They were typical fangirls, ones of the kind that ‘shipped’ themselves with the 5 Seconds of Summer boys and were jealous of me because now they didn’t get to walk by Luke’s side.

Personally, I preferred all the emos in the fandom who made up gay ships and were convinced Luke fúcked his bandmates in the áss every night. Anyway, back to the topic.

Flipping my smooth, dark brown hair, I tried to think of when they hate had started.

Truth be told, I had never had the best image, but ever since I had started hanging out with Luke half of the world seemed to despise me while the other half (aka the paparazzi) constantly tried to take pictures of me and him.

I smiled a little, knowing how funny we had to look together – the sassy and fairly dominant bítch dating the shy, awkward and lanky singer who put on a mask of cheeriness for the press and had a thing for long naps and dyed hair.

We were like sun and moon and not cliché at all, with different opinions on everything and anything – but despite all these differences, Luke had definitely become one of the most important persons in my life, whether his fans liked it or not.

Well, actually, they made it pretty clear they didn’t.

I was perfectly aware of the fact that I wasn’t a ‘good girl’. I knew about the flaws and faults I had, especially as people kept pointing them out to me in their comments. However, it was safe to say that I was fully comfortable with myself at that time.

I remembered back when I was in high school I’d never been the best. I had never been the smartest, or the prettiest and surely not the nicest girl around – however, I had learned very quickly that there were thing I would never be able to change about myself. And, accepting it quickly, I’d been able to gain a lot of confidence over the years, despite being the imperfect girl I was, making me the person I was right now.

Luke’s fans might not believe it, but I was a hundred percent sure I was a decent friend and someone funny to be around.

And, damn, I was proud of myself.

“Whatcha thinking ‘bout?” Luke suddenly spoke up and my eyes, which had been looking at the ground beneath my feet before, immediately flicked up, catching his blue gaze confusedly. It was very rare for Luke to actually interrupt someone’s thoughts as he was usually lost in his own ones.

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Nothing particular.”

A small yet true smile appeared on Luke’s face and his expression made something inside my chest feel warm and light. Somehow I felt like I had just witnessed something rare and beautiful.

“So shopping it is?” my companion asked, a small smile still adorning his angelic facial features, and I quickly shook my head to clear my thoughts.

“Shopping it is, Hemmo.”

 

About half an hour later Luke stood in front of a small cubicle, tapping his foot on the floor whilst waiting for me to get dressed. Or at least I thought it was his foot, judging from what I could hear – I couldn’t tell for sure, though, due to the curtain in front of me blocking my sight.

I quickly checked out myself in the mirror one last time, smiling at the outfit I had put on, and then stepped out of the almost claustrophobically small stall, showing off my body with a wide grin.

“Look at it, Lukey! It’s perfect!”

I was so excited about the dress I had chosen that I suddenly couldn’t wait for tonight to come. My friends were totally going to envy me!

“It really suits you,” Luke politely complimented me. “You’re gorgeous.”

“Aaww, you’re so cute, thanks!” I squealed and thanked him by pressing a kiss to his cheek. “But now we’re in a hurry, we ain’t got much time anymore.”

I quickly hopped back into the changing room, taking off the dress and putting my own clothes back on until I was fully dressed in my light blue ripped jeans and a basic black top.

I finished my look off with a snapback I might or might not have stolen from Luke before, stepping out of the cabin and leading my companion to the cash desk where I placed the dress on the counter.

With a sheepish expression I turned to Luke. “Can you…uh…lend me some money? I’m kinda broke.”

“Of course,” he laughed and handed the lady behind the desk his credit card.

Watching him pay for my clothes, I felt a little bad for taking his money, but on the other hand he had told me that he didn’t know what else to spend it on, and I was going to pay back anyway.

“Alright, here you go. Have a nice day, you two!” the shop assistant smiled after she had put the clothes into a bag and given it to Luke.

“You, too,” the blonde boy grinned, polite as always. Liz had done a good job teaching him manners, I realized.

“C’mon, Arz.”

When we left the shop I took Luke’s hand carefully and despite flinching away at first he intertwined our fingers and let out a low whine afterwards.

“I’m hungry.”

“Get something then, lover boy.” I leaned over with a smile and pecked his cheek again. “I see a Frozen Yoghurt.”

“Awesome.”

It only took us a couple of seconds to head over to the food store and stand at the end of the queue where Luke kept complaining about how hungry he was.

“I’m practically dead already,” he told me with a pout and I just had to smile at his adorable goofiness.

“Idiot,” I chuckled and pinched his cheek, causing a fit of giggles to escape his mouth.

“Aww, you’re giggling, cutie,” I cooed at him. “Sometimes I just wanna cuddle you forever, Lukey.”

Considering I hardly hung out with shy and cute people like Luke and rather liked to lean towards the more confident, outgoing crowd I could barely handle his sweetness. However, I had kind of grown used to it over the past months, although I didn’t get to see him a lot due to him being on tour.

“Leave me alone,” the blonde boy pouted at me again. “I only cuddle with Mike.”

“Wow, I ship it,” I smiled.

Hanging out with Luke was truly fun and relaxing – I didn’t have to talk all the time and despite the differences between us we got along really well.

“Idiot,.” Luke turned around with a chuckle and I decided to just let it slide.

About a minute later the two of us were walking again, eating our delicious frozen yoghurts in comfortable silence.

I was – as always – the first one to finish and insisted on dragging Luke to a shop that mostly sold make-up and beauty supplies.

“C’mon, I know you like it here!” I whined as he tried to defend himself, tugging at his arm. “I wanna go there!”

“But-“ Luke began, but was cut off by me immediately.

“Pwease, Wukey?” I looked at the younger boy with widened brown eyes, a pout on my face, and he couldn’t help but laugh at my ridiculous expression.

“Fine,” he gave in with a sigh, rolling his eyes melodramatically. “Just let me put this in the garbage bin.”

He held up the empty Frozen Yoghurt box, looking around for a trash can, but I was quick to grab the object and shove it into my bag, which was adorned by a photo of the skyline of New York, the city where I bought it.

“There we go,” I cheekily smiled. “Let’s go.”

“But what if someone saw?” Luke whined a few seconds later as he was dragged into the shop. “It would be so embarrassing for you!”

“Wow, I bet they would make up rumours about me being homeless,” I laughed loudly, not caring about the disapproving glares I was receiving from the other customers in the shop. “Let’s be real, those people out there are a bunch of motherfúckers!”

“Shhh, please, no swearing in public!” Luke shushed me, obviously getting flustered at my behaviour.

Usually I would stop behaving this way when finding out he didn’t like it, but today I was in a weird mood and enjoyed teasing the poor singer quite a bit.

“Yes, _daddy_ ,” I grinned and winked at him, referring to all the weird things most people only know because they googled it. But, truth be told, Luke _did_ sound like a father telling his child to behave.

Meanwhile the blonde boy had buried his face in his hands, never looking up when he let out a quiet groan.

“You’re going to get me into big trouble. I wanna go home.”

“Aww, I’m sorry, Lukey,” I chuckled and grabbed his hand, squeezing it a little. “I’m gonna stop. It was just funny.”

“Yes, _super_ funny,” he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes and I had to laugh even more. “Sassy Luke is sassy.”

“’m not that sassy. Wish I was, though, because then I could at least defend myself when Michael decides to tell me to shut up again.”

“Submissive much?” I continued to tease him and he blushed hard, being even more eager to hide his face now.

“I hate you,” he mumbled through his fingers and I patted his back.

“Alright, now I’m gonna shut up and we’re gonna look at some stuff instead. Does that sound alright to you?”

“It does,” he reassured me. “Let’s go try some new lip-glosses.”

A few moments later I found myself in front of a shelf where the objects Luke had mentioned were kept, looking at a lot of different kinds with different looks and – most importantly – different flavours.

“ _Cranberry And Vanilla_ ,” I read, knitting my brow. “Who thinks up all those combinations?”

“I wonder what _Green Tea_ tastes like?”

Luke’s arm hit me in the ribs and I could hardly suppress a yelp, jumping a little at the unexpected action.

“What the fúck, Lucas?!” I hissed and narrowed my eyes at him as I watched him look at me, regret evident in his gaze.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Forgive me?”

“You’re an idiot,” I muttered, rubbing my side. “And by the way, green-tea-flavoured lip-gloss tastes disgusting – my friend has one of that kind.”

“Do you girls share those?”

I almost burst into laughter at Luke’s incredulous expression, indicating that he didn’t believe me.

“Of course, sweetie,” I chuckled. “You share clothes with your bandmates, too, don’t you?”

“Of course. But…lipstick? Gross… You’re spreading your germs everywhere that way.”

“Good thing you’re not a girl then, I guess.”

“True.”

He shook his head a little at our banter and then turned to the shelf again, examining it with his incredibly blue eyes that seemed to shine even more now that I could look at them from the side.

“Hey, look,” he suddenly said, pointing at one of the lip-glosses. “There’s a cherry-flavoured one.”

“Perfect!” I cheered. “Can you get it for me, please? I’m too small.”

“Sure thing.” Luke smiled and reached for the lip-gloss, easily grabbing it considering he was about 6’3 tall.

I was quick to open the tube that was handed to me and spread a little of the product on my hand, looking around before bringing my fingers to my mouth and licking them.

“Oh, this shit’s good,” I sighed a second later, taken by the flavour of the lip-gloss. “It’s even better than my old one.”

“I don’t like cherry all that much,” Luke sheepishly admitted, tapping his food on the crowd in an awkward manner. “But I know you do.”

“Yes, I do,” I smiled at him.

I didn’t know how someone could be as well-educated as he was – compared to me Luke was a literal angel. My gaze wandered down his perfectly shaped, athletic body before passing on to the shelf, eyeing the different kinds of lip-glosses once again.

“So let’s find one for you,” I decided, already scanning the etiquettes in search for a flavour Luke would like.

“W-wait?” He gripped my arm tightly, startled by my announcement, and tried to keep me from looking for a product for him. “I’m a b-boy, I can’t just wear lip-gloss.”

“Ahh, fuck gender-roles,” I groaned, rolling my eyes at him as I ignored his half-hearted attempts to stop me. “Remember Luke: You’re a guy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear what you like. Fuck what other’s people think! You gotta live a lil’.”

“But-“

“Shhh,” I shushed him, gently placing a finger on his lips which were suspiciously soft. “No buts to- Wait, Luke, you don’t wear balm, don’t you?”

“Uhh.” He quickly stepped away from me, a deep, crimson blush coating his cheeks as he tried to talk himself out of the situation. “Wh-why would I?”

“Aaww, you do!” I exclaimed, almost cooing at how flustered he looked, even though I was sure he found the entire situation very humiliating, being the shy persona he was.

“Hey, it’s okay, Lukey,” I reassured him. “I bet you like flavoured lip-glosses as much as I do. C’mon, I´ll pick you one and buy it for you.”

“B-but what if anyone notices?”

“They won’t, except you kiss them,” I quickly said and then smirked. “By the way – I bet I know a certain person who would enjoy flavoured lip-gloss on you, too.”

“Shh, shut up!” Luke nudged me again, luckily a lot more gently this time and smirked at him, picking one of the tubes from the shelf.

“Look, it’s Cookies and Cream – this one’s so classic. And it’ll be as sweet as you are.”

“Sap,” Luke chuckled but hesitantly took the product, looking around anxiously before carefully tasting it. The way he would stick out his tongue to transport the sticky substance into his mouth with kitten licks truly did things to me and I had to force myself to stop staring at him as he tasted the lip-gloss.

“It’s delicious,” he admitted after a few seconds. “Buy it for me?”

“Of course, Lukey!” I smiled, happy that I had succeeded. “Let’s go to the cash desk. Oh, and just wait, next time we’re here we’re gonny try all the other products.”

But this time Luke raised his arms, refusing my offer.

“No, no, no, I’m not gonna wear make-up because you think it suits me. I’m not _that_ desperate.”

“Oh, shit, that’s not what I meant. Of course we’re only gonna try out all the other lip-glosses!”

Once again I could only shake my head as I headed over to the cash desk where I (or rather: Luke) paid for the tubes of lip-gloss. Once we were out of the shop I linked arms with Luke, happily walking wherever my feet led me, pulling him with me.

“Wow,” I breathed out after a few moments of silence, realizing how much fun I’d had today.

_“I definitely didn’t think having a gay best friend would be that fun!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.
> 
> So this, obviously, was the prologue of my first proper Muke fanfiction with multiple chapters. I already posted on Tumblr about it and I'm pretty excited to show to to you all.
> 
> Updates will be once a week or every two weeks, depending on how much studying I have to do for school, until I finish off the story. I was originally going to post it when I was done writing it, but I decided to post it now and update slowly till I finish it.
> 
> Also, the title: See what I did there? It's kind of from Blessed With A Curse by BMTH, but the other way round. The original song title wouldn't have fit, but this way it does. 
> 
> So...see you next week I guess.
> 
> Luna


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild Smut

_**Arzaylea** _

****

“God-fucking-dammit!” I cursed loudly as I tried to turn about my key in order to unlock the front door of my apartment. However, the piece of metal wouldn’t move a single inch, no matter with how much might I tried.

Finally, after three futile attempts, the familiar clicking sound rang out to me and my door swung open, letting me into the flat I, or rather Luke, had rented. I immediately went to the bathroom to check if I still had body lotion left, as I planned on taking a bath as soon I had put my new dress away.

Then I strolled into the kitchen to grab a drink, wandering around the apartment with the bottle in hand and taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of this place.

It was a complete mystery to me what I possible could have done to deserve Luke – however, on the other hand I was helping him, too, right?

When I had finished my drink I placed the empty bottle on the glass table in front of my TV, turning around and letting the warm beams of the afternoon sun warm my face for a moment.

One thing I loved a lot about the apartment was the fact that it not only consisted of four major rooms and a grand hallway but also a huge balcony facing southwest. At days like this one I liked to relax on the platform and enjoy the warm sun tanning my body. However, today I didn’t have time for that – I had to be ready for going out in 2 hours after all, which was my friend would pick me up. Taking a look at my watch, which had also been a present of Luke’s, I figured it was time for my bath.

I quickly got my towels and ran myself a bath before getting into the Jacuzzi tub. Luckily, I still had some time left, which I used to relax for a few moments and ponder on what I had done today.

Going shopping with Luke wasn’t unusual for me, yet the scene at the make-up store made me think of the first time I had met him. I still vividly remembered the party and being bored to death, waiting for my companion to stop flirting with older ladies.

That was when suddenly someone had tapped my shoulder. I recalled spinning around, ready to face my next one-night-stand, but I had known from the first moment that Luke wasn’t a guy of that kind.

He had politely asked me to dance, which was what we’d spent the entire evening doing. It had been absolutely easy to talk to him, even though we hadn’t known each other before, but I’d immediately liked him.

The party had in fact ended in my hotel room, however, still not the way I had expected it to end.

“Would you mind doing me a favor?” With these words Luke had proposed the deal to me. “Would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend?”

I remembered it hadn’t taken me long to come to a decision. I had been bored, tired of my life as a partygirl and model and in search for something new. Additionally, Luke was a nice guy – why would I have declined his offer?

I laughed at the odd thought – what would me life be like if I hadn’t agreed to play Luke’s girlfriend?

I owed him a lot of things, including this flat and the dress I was going to wear tonight – however, I was planning on paying him back one day, as soon as I’d grown a little more independent.

The original reason Luke had rented this flat was make our lie more believable. When I had asked him about it a few weeks ago he had told me Modest wouldn’t suspect anything if we lived together.

Modest – the mere thought of Luke’s management made me scowl. Over the months I had learned that they were the main reason I had become Luke’s _girlfriend_.

When the blonde singer had asked me to help him I had taken up his offer on one condition – he had to tell me why he needed me to be his fake _lover_.

And, after a lot of hesitation and awkward silences, he had reluctantly explained his story to me.

The managers of 5 Seconds of Summer were mostly good at doing their job and they had helped the band establish themselves in the music scene, but when it came to personal relationships of their clients they weren’t the most tolerating people.

And Luke desperately wanted to keep them from finding out his secret.

All I could really say was that he seemed to dread the reaction of his manager if he was to tell them one day and that he tried everything he could so that no one would find out he was in love with his bandmate, the one and only Michael Clifford.

From what I’d been told, I figured Luke and Michael had been dating for four years, since I remembered Luke mentioning they got together at the end of 2012, a year and a half after they had stopped hating each other.

Judging by what I’d been told, there had always been some kind of sexual tension between the two of them and once both of them had become confident with themselves Michael asked Luke out.

And even though the younger boy kept telling me it was pretty unromantic and his lover had just blurted it out when they were playing video games, I could tell it had been the happiest day of his life.

However, things hadn’t gone well from then. Luke and Michael soon had learned from someone that Modest wouldn’t accept their relationship, which was why they had started hiding.

They were still doing it up until now – and that was why the needed me.

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, not caring about the fact that the water around me slowly grew cold. It had been a pretty warm day and hence I didn’t mind a little coolness around me as washed my long brown hair.

Even though I sometimes wish I could fully escape from my life, I was glad it wasn’t nearly as complicated as Michael and Luke’s.

Being with the latter guy had brought a lot of new aspects into it – the fans of the band didn’t exactly like me and neither did a lot of the friends of Luke who knew about his relationship with Michael.

However, I didn’t really care. They would have to put up with me anyway, since I had been asked to join 5 Seconds of Summer on their North American tour a few weeks ago and, being my nice self, agreed.

So here I was, in an apartment that was owned by my fake-boyfriend, preparing myself for another night with my friends, which would probably be the last one in a while.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in the Jacuzzi bathtub and only got out at 7:00 pm, 30 minutes before my friend Mia was supposed to pick me up. Since I was a part-time model and had to go to a lot of castings, I was used to styling myself and it barely took me 10 minutes to get my hair done after I’d put on the dress Luke and I had bought earlier.

For a moment I admired myself in the mirror silently, glancing at my hips and my skinny waist which I was really proud of. Usually, I didn’t like the stereotypical body images, but sadly being a model meant having to be slim.

Since there wasn’t a lot of time left I quickly put on my make-up and snapped a few pictures of myself. Just when I had placed my phone on the bathroom counter beside me to add final touches to my look I heard the doorbell ring.

“Arz, honey!” I was greeted by my best friend Mia as soon as I opened the door. “You look gorgeous.”

“You, too, babe,” I replied and kissed her cheek, just like we used to do. “Wow, that dress is hot ass! Damn.”

Mia smiled and shook her head, examining my outfit for a moment before nodding approvingly. “That one’s on fleek, dude. Did ya get it with the Bottom?”

“Yeah, I did get it with Luke,” I replied, emphasizing my friend’s actual name. “We went to the mall.”

“Fine.” Mia just shrugged, not really caring about the singer or anything that had to do with him. She was the only one of my friends I had told Luke and I weren’t actually dating, considering we were pretty close and I trusted her.

Meanwhile my other friends didn’t care that I hooked up with different guys each evening we spent together – I guess they thought I was in for the money when it came to Luke.

However, Mia knew about “Muke” and had even met the two lover boys once, which had resulted in her nicknaming Luke ‘The Bottom’, since we were both sure he didn’t exactly…top.

Usually I tried to avoid thinking about the naughty things these two did together, but it was fun to have someone to laugh about it with.

Remaining in the middle of the hallway, Mia and I went on with our banter for a few minutes before she pointed out we had to get going. “Alright, I’m c-“ I answered but interrupted myself when a familiar box which was placed on the table outside on the balcony caught my eyes. “Oh, hold on, I gotta get my pills.”

“You on meds, Arz?” Mia amusedly asked when I returned to her, shoving the box into my clutch.

“Nah,” I replied, “these are just contraceptives. I must have forgotten them there yesterday evening – I was kinda in a hurry this noon.”

“Well, you good now?”

“I am,” I promised. “Let’s get going.”

 

And that was what we did. After a car ride of about 20 minutes right through Los Angeles we finally arrived at the club. There was already a queue of people waiting to be let in outside and I groaned as I exited the car, waiting for Mia to lock it before going over to the entrance.

This club certainly wasn’t the Nice Guy or anything, which was the club Luke always took me to when we went on our ‘dates’, but still seemed to be pretty popular. I mentally face-palmed at what my friends had chosen, knowing I was probably going to be recognized by someone.

I just hoped that cameras weren’t allowed in there because otherwise Luke and I would probably get a problem.

“Hey, Arz, Mia, over here!” A loud and familiar voice interrupted my thoughts harshly and my head snapped up as my eyes darted around, searching for the person who had said my name. “Over here!”

“Oh, there you are!” A smile spread across my face when I recognized Jake, a friend of mine, who was standing in the queue with a few others I barely knew.

“Join us!” Jake told us and a few moments later Mia and I had lined up beside him, greeting him with a hug each.

“How’ve you been?” I asked him. “Wow, you look ace!”

I was just pointing out the truth – his light t-shirt and skinny jeans complimented his dark skin, which was glistening under the lights of the club, and his hair was quiffed and shaved at the sides.

“Thanks. But wow, you’re gorgeous. That dress looks perfect on you!” He squeezed my waist a little and I giggled, already acting as though I had had a few drinks. In all honesty, I was really looking forward to getting drunk – it would be the last time partying in a while after all.

“Where’s Hayley?” Mia suddenly stepped into our conversation. “Isn’t she with you, Jake?” “Not tonight,” the man replied with a shrug. “Dunno where she is.”

I could see Mia raise her eyebrows and knew she was referring to the fact that our friend Hayley and Jake had practically grown inseparable during the last few weeks.

Everyone expected them to get together sooner or later and I was a little confused why Jake didn’t seem to care about Hayley’s whereabouts. However, I didn’t have much more time to think about his reaction, as I suddenly noticed we were the next ones in line to be let in.

The doorman examined us for a few seconds, trying to figure out if we were legal (which I was at least, I didn’t know about the others), and then decided to let us in. I nodded at him before entering the club with Mia and Jake following behind me.

“Arz!” I was immediately greeted by exited voices and soon I was hugged by someone I vaguely identified as Pat, a girl who was part of my group of friends as well. It was safe to say we didn’t exactly like each other since I found her bitchy and trashy and she thought my strict veganism was crazy and annoying, and it also didn’t help the situation that I had hooked up with her ex before.

However, when we had to be together we always acted like best friends and pretty much faked kindness. I eyed Pat’s body, observing her outfit, which was fairly permissive. I could almost see her nipples under the almost transparent top she was wearing and numerous bangles around her wrists made jingling noises at every movement of hers.

Her legs were dressed in black leather pants, which barely covered her upper thigh and laced stockings. Honestly, she looked like a damn prostitute – I wondered who was going to take her home tonight.

Shaking my head I backed off, disconnecting arms from my waist and giving her a fake smile: “Hi Pat. It’s been a while.”

“You’re so right, Arz!” she warbled and placed a welcome-kiss to my cheek, leaving a mark of her sticky lip-gloss on my skin. I tried to fight the urge to wipe it off and turned to the other people she was with instead, recognizing plenty of my friends.

“How have y’all been?” I shouted as I tried to drown out the loud music which was playing. “I feel like we haven’t seen each other for a while.”

“Damn, Arz, you’re becoming such a business girl!” I heard Corey, one of my male friends, shout. “Going professional, huh?”

“It’s no big deal,” I smiled and decided to join him next to the counter. “I just got some jobs, but it’s really nothing.”

“But they love you!” he replied with a cheeky grin and memories from our last hook-up appeared in my head. However, I shook them off and threw an arm around his broad shoulders, my manicured fingers playing with the seam of his collar.

“I’m just really lucky at the moment. But how are you doing?”

“Well, I take little jobs here and there,” he replied hesitantly, “but there’s nothing serious so far. My mum still wants me to go to college, but I think she’ll understand sooner or later that it’s just not what I want.”

He shook his head and his light curls tickled my cheek a little, causing me to giggle again. “But hey, have you heard of Jake?” Corey suddenly asked. “Apparently, he is going pro. His father wants him to take over his company and he’s really eager to make a lotta money.”

“Gosh, Hayley is so lucky!” I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. “I gotta go get a rich boyfriend as well, I don’t wanna end up poor or anything.”

“Arz? Your boyfriend is literally in one of the hottest bands in the world at the moment? I really don’t think _you_ have any problems with money.”

“Huh?” For a moment I was confused, not knowing what he was talking about, but then I understood and had the sudden urge to slap myself. I was so stupid sometimes.

“Sure,” I confidently replied nonetheless. “Just in case we break up or anything.”

“So, I’m assuming it’s not going too well right now?” Corey cast a questioning glance at me, but I shrugged, making up an excuse.

“We’re okay. I’m going on tour with him soon – sadly, I’ll have to deal with his bandmates, too.”

The thing was – my friends assumed everyone in 5 Seconds of Summer hated me except for Luke. A lot of rumors had been made up because the other members didn’t follow me on social media and seemed reluctant to accept my and Luke’s relationship.

I had figured the easiest way to keep my friends from asking questions would be to not clear up anything and just go with it.

Honestly, I didn’t think Calum and Ashton liked me after all. I had only met them a few times and they seemed very hesitant towards me, not convinced of Luke’s plan.

Michael was a whole other story, though – although we could easily bond over stupid little things like Pokémon or bands, we fought a lot, much more than Luke and I did, and usually ended up yelling at each other until we both calmed down again.

I didn’t think the boy with the colorful hair was quite content with his situation, but he respected Luke’s decision and didn’t seem to want to come out, either.

And well, in the end there was Luke. We obviously got along well, even though he was more like a brother to me than a potential boyfriend. I had to admit I was pretty protective of him for some reason, and it was safe to say that if I sassed any fans, it would be for his sake.

“Oh my god, Arz, it’s ‘Sorry’!” someone suddenly screamed into my ear and I winced, rubbing the side of my head and turning around to see Mia bounce up and down beside me, grinning excitedly. “C’mon, I wanna dance, Arz! It’s literally the best song.”

“Ugh, fine,” I groaned after a few seconds, rolling my eyes at her before letting my friend drag me away to the dancefloor where she began to do what she called dancing. I was a little confused as to why Mia was acting like she was completely drunk already even though we had just arrived.

My own throat was so dry that it practically screamed for a shot and as soon as the song was over I went to the bar, just about to order a drink when I suddenly heard a deep, familiar voice behind me. “Four shots for me and this lovely young lady, please?”

“What the fuck, Jake?” I jokingly spat as I turned around, eyeing the dark-skinned man who was standing behind me, smirking. “I’m not lovely!”

“Right, Arz, you’re a beast!” he teased me and pinched my cheek which caused me to snatch at his hands, imitating a little puppy.

“Aaww, love, you don’t have to try so hard for me,” Jake just grinned and put an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. “So guess who’s gonna pay tonight…?”

And that was how I spend the next hour of my evening – sitting at the bar with Jake, talking about everything and everyone as we ordered shot after shot. I could already feel my head getting lighter and lighter when Jake pulled me away to the dancefloor, making me wrap my arms around his slim waist and stumble around with him.

Actually, he was stepping on my feet quite a lot, but I didn’t care anymore. The alcohol had made my chest feel light and I couldn’t help the giggles emitting from my lips when I felt Jake’s hot breath on my shoulder.

He looked gorgeous under the neon lights, his skin glowing and eyes glistening as his breath tickled my skin over and over. Soon I could feel his lips on me and they felt beautiful, plump and soft against my collarbone as he softly placed kisses there.

“Fuck,” I lightly moaned when he went up and started sucking on my neck which was probably my weakest spot. “Don’t stop, Jake, don’t stop.”

“Do I make you feel good?” he seductively whispered against my skin, making shivers run down my spine as my back arched and I threw my head back.

“Hmh,” I mumbled, “shit, you’re hot.” My skull felt like it was filled with mist, but I didn’t mind. I just wanted Jake to do something about the feeling of pleasure steadily growing inside my chest and stomach.

“Your lips…so pretty,” Jake spluttered out when he moved on to my lips, caressing them with his tongue and teeth.

“F-Fuck, Jake, please just do something!” I begged him, fully horny by now. “I want you!”

“Let’s get outta here, baby!” The next thing I knew was that he wrapped his arms around me and carried my away from the dancefloor, away from the drunk people and to the back door where we escaped the club, taking a few deep breaths of fresh, cold air before going on with our business.

“I don’t-“ I mumbled against his lips, searching for the right words as I felt his hands roam over my body. “Where?”

“M-My car!” he got out, panting heavily. “It’s right around the corner.”

And that’s how we ended up in the backseat of his car, which I thought only happens in movies. We were both too horny and turned on to control our bodies anymore, grinding down on each other and feverishly moving our lips together, hungry for the pleasure like greedy animals.

I was barely aware of it when he took my shirt off and tossed it aside, his flannel and the other clothes following soon until we were both stripped down, nothing between us anymore.

“Condom?” I heard him ask, but shook my head, eager for him to finally do something. “Don’t need it,” I breathed. “I take contraceptives.”

“Good.” The word sounded more like a growl to me when I could feel him press his hard on against my lower half, leaving me sweating and longing for him to enter me.

“Shit!” I moaned out, completely gone with the noises we make and the steam filling the car. “F-fuck me, Jake!”

That’s what he did. We fucked in the back of his car, hands roaming across each other’s bodies and I came with a cry of his name, screaming swearwords so loud that I was sure anyone could hear.

Neither of us bothered to leave or clean up afterwards, we just let ourselves fall asleep in the backseat, my head resting on his chest as his steady heartbeat filled my ears.

 

In the next morning I silently left before he had even woken up. It had been nice to awake in Jake’s embrace and I’d enjoyed the safe feeling that came with it, but I knew I couldn’t stay. That was just not how it worked. One of us was supposed to leave, and in this case I was the one.

So I quietly grabbed my clothes and put them on before leaving Jake behind in his own car, making sure to check out myself in the mirror of the car.

I walked home on my own, with a pounding headache and a dry throat. My feet ached for some reason and I didn’t fully remember what had happened the night before, but I knew it didn’t matter – these were just the effects of another night out.

When I returned to my flat I ran myself a bath and grabbed some music, relaxing in the bathroom for a full hour before getting out and drying myself off. The apartment was strangely silent and even though I wasn’t used to anyone being here with me I felt lonely all of a sudden.

I wondered what Luke was doing – he was probably still sleeping right now, safely locked up in Michael’s embrace, breathing against his neck. After one or two hours he would wake up and make breakfast for the two of them and then wake his boyfriend to eat with him.

Maybe they would have morning-sex or maybe they would just cuddle all day, silently enjoying each other’s company.

Either way, I would stay here, alone. I could call Mia or someone else, but I wasn’t in the mood for them. Sure, they were my friends and fun to be around, but the desire to flee this kind of life where all that mattered was getting drunk had been steadily growing over the past months.

I felt like I just needed to escape them for a little while and bring some structure into my life, even if it would only last for a few hours.

However, right now the only thing I could think of doing was sleeping. But maybe, if I was lucky enough, my headache would be gone when I woke up again and I could re-start the day. Who even knew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's another chapter.   
> As you saw/read, I used Arz to do some explaining of the story's background and the characters' situation.   
> I hope it was clear enough and hopefully not too boring. Constructive critism (as always) is appreciated because it is what helps me improve this story and my writing in general.  
> I'd also like to thank you for the comments I've received so far, it means a hell of a lot to me (when I first started writing fanfiction it took me a year to get my first comment).
> 
> Anyway, next chapter will finally be Muke and then we'll dive right into the action. :)  
> Hope you enjoyed reading this so far and see you next week.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Luke** _

__

As soon as I opened my eyes I could tell this morning wasn’t going to be pleasant for me at all, even though I could feel Michael’s arm around me as I lied beside him on his bed in the apartment we shared in Los Angeles.

However, there was an odd feeling in my gut, like I was going to be sick later at some point –just like yesterday and two days ago.

“Oh shit,” I groaned and buried my face in the pillow beneath my head, trying to block out the nauseous feeling in my stomach and the slight dizziness of my mind.

“Luke? ‘s that you?” I heard Michael slur beside me and although I didn’t feel well a tiny smile crept onto my face.

“Yeah,” I replied in a distressed voice. “I feel dizzy…” It took Michael less than two seconds to sit up and make me lift my head from the pillow, examining my face closely.

I could tell how worried he was by the way he ran his fingers over my skin and through my hair, checking if I had a fever.

“Again?” he sighed, chucking me under the chin which made a shiver run down my spine as I nodded.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I groaned. “But I know I’m already stressed out.” “Well, that’s probably the problem,” my boyfriend told me. “You seem pretty tense. The stress of the tour is doing nothing good to us.”

“But I don’t wanna feel siiiick,” I whined, dragging out the last syllable. Michael was just about to reply something when suddenly I felt my stomach turn nauseatingly and I immediately knew I was going to throw up now.

“L- what the fuck?” Michael shouted as I practically jumped out of bed and instantly made a beeline for the bathroom, speeding to the toilet as fast as I could and dropping to my knees before my stomach started to expel my dinner from last night.

Now I kind of regretted ordering pizza with Michael yesterday, but I couldn’t change it anyway and figured I’d just have to go through this. Well, it wasn’t as easy as it sounded and I cried out in distress and pain when I started heaving and retching for the second time, stomach acid burning my mouth and nose.

“Shhh, you’re okay,” I could hear Michael behind me, trying to soothe me by running his fingers over my back and through my hair. “It’s gonna be over soon, baby.”

“I hate it, Mikey,” I cried pathetically. “I don’t wanna be sick.”

“I know, it’s okay, Lukey boy. Let it out, you’ll feel a lot better soon.” Luckily, Michael seemed to be right and after a third and fourth round of throwing up my stomach felt a little more settled and I decided I was done being sick.

Michael handed me some toilet paper to wipe off my mouth with as he eyed me with a sympathetic expression, obviously feeling bad for me.

“I-I’m okay,” I stuttered when he helped me stand on my wobbly legs, leading me back to the bedroom where we lied down together.

I was already completely drained even though the day hadn’t even started yet – it was a shame that I apparently had to get sick almost every single morning.

It was something that had been going on for two or three weeks. Every time I had woken up feeling nauseous and dizzy and had got sick a few minutes later. Once I was finished I would always be out like a light, lulled back to sleep by Mikey tracing shapes on my back or running his fingers through my hair while whispering sweet nothings to me.

Today wasn’t any different and when I woke up again I felt a lot better. Noticing Michael wasn’t beside me anymore, I got out of bed carefully in case I got dizzy again, and wobbled into the hallway of our apartment.

“Mike?” I called, expecting him to appear at the sound of my voice, but nothing happened so I figured he wasn’t at home right now. Maybe he had gone out to get breakfast or to meet someone, even though I doubted the latter as I was sure he would have told me.

I decided to sit on the couch in the living room until he got back, watching cartoons on the kid’s channel. That was something both I and Michael liked to do when we were on break – firstly, it was relaxing and secondly, you didn’t have to think too much.

However, today I couldn’t pay attention to the series that was on for some reason, and found myself thinking about this morning instead of focusing on the TV.

I, truth be told, had no idea why I felt sick all the time. It had started when we were on tour in Europe and Michael had forced me to go to the doctor’s office at least thrice, but they hadn’t been able find anything worrying and assumed me I felt sick because of the distress of touring I was constantly exposed to.

So now here I was in Los Angeles, stuck with the instruction to get as much sleep as possible, which, to be honest, was I had already obeyed. Not being exhausted for once felt really nice and anyone could witness the bags under my eyes slowly fade away and the stress lines on my face disappear.

And maybe I could benefit from getting sick, too – if my body ejected the food I wouldn’t have to exercise in order to stay fit.

I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes, listening to the noises coming from outside. No matter how bad this morning had started, now it was all good. And honestly, I wouldn’t want to change anything, even if I could.

 

Michael returned about 20 minutes later, with breakfast, a coffee for himself and a blueberry-smoothie for me. We sat at the table together, barely talking, but the silence between us wasn’t uncomfortable in any way.

Occasionally one of us would leave a little peck on the other’s cheek (I had brushed my teeth of course) – these little acts of affection used to make my day and honestly still did.

After breakfast I put the plates and glasses in the dishwasher while Mike spoke with our manager on the phone. I couldn’t quite understand what they were saying, but I was pretty sure they were talking about the American leg of our tour.

Realising I had only a few days left before Ashton and I were heading off to Europe together for the third time this year, I let out a sigh. Even though I enjoyed spending time with my other bandmates as well I couldn’t stand the thought of being without Michael, knowing I’d miss him a lot.

I really didn’t like being apart from him, but, to be honest, in this case it was probably for our own best. Our songwriting team and Feldy already knew that, no matter how well we could work with each other, when it came to writing songs Michael and I wouldn’t get anything done, probably due to making out half of the time and playing video games.

So I always went to Sweden, Europe with Ashton a few days before we started touring to write some songs for our next album. Michael and I were allowed to do the recording of the tunes together, though, and that was something I was really looking forward to.

As soon as we finished this tour we would have to start producing our third album. Honestly, I really loved being in the studio with my band. They never failed to amaze me and every time I was blown away by their incredible talent, almost feeling like I shouldn’t be there because I wasn’t good enough to work with such great musicians.

I knew exactly how honoured I was and even if I forgot it one day, Michael’s beautiful and loud yet fragile voice would remind me of it. Suddenly I felt two arms being wrapped around my body from behind and jumped a bit as my boyfriend whispered into my ear: “Hey, Lukey.”

“Hey, Mikey,” I replied, grinning. “I didn’t hear you at all.”

“No wonder!” he chuckled. “I’m basically a ninja.”

“No, excuse me, you’re not. You’re an idiot!”

“And you’re a nerd!”

“Shut up, Clifford.”

“Behave, twink. Or will I have to punish you later?”

“Oh god, Mikey,” I felt my cheeks heat up at his comment and threw my head back, hiding my face in his hoodie.

“We’re not that kinky,” came my muffled voice quietly and my boyfriend laughed, bending down to place a kiss on my collarbone.

I realised how weird it had to look what we were doing and giggled a bit at the thought of taking a photo of us right now. But then I remembered we couldn’t take pictures because no one could know and I could practically feel my smile slowly fade away, being replaced by a frown.

“What’s up, baby?” Michael asked me even though he couldn’t see my face, as if he had read my mind.

“Nothing,” I mumbled into his shirt. “Just thinking.”

“Well.” He seemed to buy my excuse and I sighed, really not wanting to bother him with my worries – he had enough on his own plate after all.

“I was thinking,” Michael said after a few moments of silence, “that we could game?”

“Oh no.” I sat up straighter so that my face wasn’t in his hoodie anymore and looked at his face which was adorned by an adorable pout.

“Pretty please, Lukey? I wanna play Mario Kart at least?”

“Wow, you’re peaceful this morning,” I stated and then added in a whiny voice: “But you’ll win anyway.”

“I promise I’ll be nice to you,” Michael said, still pouting and looking at me with big pleading eyes. “Pleeeaaaseeee. I’m gonna treat you like a princess, Lukey. Play with me!”

“Fine, you kitten,” I finally gave in. “I’ll play with you.”

“Yay!” Michael jumped excitedly, about to run to the living room but then it looked like he changed his mind and he turned around, approaching me and before I knew it he had picked me up, carrying me to the living room bridal style.

He set me down on the couch and I got situated while he set up our Playstation and got the controllers, handing me one before getting in the sofa behind me. He was half lying there with his back against the arm rest, long legs stretched out on the couch as I rested my head on his chest, sitting between his thighs.

It was the position we were in usually when we were gaming and I liked it a lot, partly because his tummy was really soft and comfortable and partly because I loved cuddling with Michael more than anything in the world.

I could feel him rub my stomach as we waited for the game to load and immediately worried he thought I was fat. But then I realised how stupid I was being and brushed it off, chuckling when I felt lips on my head.

“Which character d’you wanna be?” Michael asked, nudging me and then added: “Eww, yuck, now your hair is in my mouth!”

“Cry baby!” I laughed and lightly punched his arm, hiding my face in my hands afterwards because I was afraid I’d actually hurt him.

It might seem silly, but that’s how I was – far too well-educated to be rude to others, even if it was my boyfriend of 4 years who constantly insulted me anyway.

I only took my head out of my hands when I felt fingers comb my slightly curly hair back, creating a tingly but never tweaking sensation in my skin.

“Michael, stop it!” I pouted and half-heartedly tried to escape his embrace, but he just held me closer and ignored my last comment, stating matter-of-factly: “Well, your hair is just as curly as Jack’s.”

“That’s not true!” I disagreed with a frown. “His is curlier.”

“Yes, it is,” my boyfriend said, carefully pulling my head back onto his chest. “I watched it go from straight as uncooked spaghetti to curly like…well, cooked noodles.”

With a smirk he added a second later: “Just like your sexuality.”

“C’mon, that one’s old and lame,” I told him. “You were always in my heart anyway.”

“Yeah, probably because I was your worst enemy,” Michael laughed, alluding to our relationship in Year 9 of High School and I hit him again, harder this time.

“You were the dumbest person ever! I remember endless rants about you my mum had to listen to and nights of me wondering why you were such an asshole. Well, and then someday you were like ‘Let’s record a cover together’ and I almost said no until you suggested to do All Time Low.”

“Which we didn’t do in the end, though.”

“We still recorded it,” I remembered, playing with the pendant of my necklace which was a ring my mum had once given to me. “We should upload it sometime.”

“We should upload the Boyfriend Tag,” Michael said. “The fans would go crazy.” His remark might have been slight, however, it was still enough to make the smile that had appeared on my face a few moments ago fade again as I recalled why exactly we just _couldn’t_ make videos in our apartment.

“Hey, Lukey, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Michael softly said and pulled me closer as soon as he noticed the irritated mood he had got me into. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I sighed, snuggling into his chest so that the familiar warmth of his body was fully surrounding me. “I’m just tired of this, you know.”

“Yeah, I get it, Lukey. I hate it, too.”

“Look – I just wanna be able to tell our management and the world we are together. I wanna be able to go out without having to pretend Arz is my girlfriend and I don’t wanna take fake naked cuddling pictures of us just to keep them off our trail.

“I wish we could do it, but we can’t and I don’t even think I’d be ready right now to admit it. However, the thing is – we can’t admit it. Even if we wanted to we couldn’t tell anyone. You know what H told us. I really don’t want to end like this.”

Michael nodded silently, still keeping his arm around me as the melody of the game we’d chosen rang out to us, completely unnoticed. “I understand you, Luke. I know we can’t. We don’t need to. One day, well, of course, but not now…”

“You’re right,” I agreed, finally hitting one of the buttons of my controller. “But let’s not think about that right now.”

 

 

The next three days were filled with a lot of cuddles, movies and laziness as well as a double ‘date’ with Calum and Ashton (to be honest, they behaved more like a couple than Michael and I did). On Monday Ash and I went to Europe, however, this time we ended up in Vienna instead of Stockholm.

I didn’t really mind because I knew we’d mostly be writing and wouldn’t have much time to explore the city and also it was good to see other parts of Europe as well. The first two days Ashton and I were really productive and quickly wrote two songs which we sent to Feldy and our two bandmates who still were in Los Angeles.

John was very enthusiastic about one specific song Ashton and I had written and he said he wanted the demos as soon as possible, so we went to the studio at 11:00 pm to record vocals. Later when I was lying in my bed and Ash’s snores rang out to me from the other side of our hotel room I felt really relaxed and contented with what I’d done today.

Of course I was missing Michael a lot, but it wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be and it felt really good to spend some time with Ashton. However, little did I know things would start going downwards from that day on.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Luke** _

 

The misery started early in the next morning when I woke up and immediately knew I was going to throw up, which was why I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could and accidentally woke up Ashton, who tried to help me.

I had almost forgotten about the fact that I usually got sick every morning since it hadn’t been happening during the last days, but now that it was back I felt worse than ever. With Ashton by my side I spent one hour in the bathroom, bringing up everything I had eaten the day before until sweat was streaming down my face like a waterfall.

When I was finally done I let Ash take care of me and lead me back to my bed where he helped me get situated and go to sleep. However, I wasn’t allowed to rest long and 120 minutes later we were out in Vienna on our way to a restaurant where we were supposed to meet a friend of Feldy and Jack from All Time Low.

Fortunately, I wasn’t nauseous anymore, but instead my back was hurting a lot and Ashton insisted I looked about ready to pass out.

“No, seriously, I’m fine, Ash. It’s nothing serious!” I reassured him for the millionth time this morning when suddenly someone walked in front of us and stopped us.

When I looked up I saw there were three girls who looked shocked yet really excited and assumed they were fans.

“Uhm…hello?” I said in my awkward manner, burying my hands in my pockets as Ashton took over, smiling at the females.

“Hi!” he grinned and they giggled. “Why are you stopping us?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” the tallest girl said, looking like she thought we were mad at her. “We just… I never thought… Ashton… We’ll j-just go…?”

“No, hey, don’t stress!” Ash told her. “I just wanted to know. How are you?”

“G-good. How are you?” the girl stuttered out and her cheeks went bright red afterwards. Meanwhile her two friends stayed silent, as if the sight of us had away taken their voices.

“Fine,” I replied, not wanting to be left out. “Right, Ashton?”

“Yeah, we’re alright,” he agreed and smiled at the girls. “So, do you want a picture?”

“Y-yeah, of course.” The tall girl was still stammering, but she took out her phone with shaky hands and opened a camera app.

Ashton and I stood to her left and right side, smiling at the phone until she had taken two or three photos of us three. We quickly moved on to the two mute girls and took pictures with them as well, however, I pretty much had to force a smile onto my face, as the pain in my back kept worsening and my feet were starting to hurt.

“Ash,” I whined after we’d said our goodbyes to the girls and continued with our journey. “I don’t wanna waaalk.”

“C’mon, Luke, quit complaining, we’re almost there,” my friend replied and slapped the back of my head, causing me to jump and wince as a particularly painful throb erupted near my spine.

“Are you okay, Luke?” Ash’s eyes immediately clouded over with worry after seeing me flinch and I could feel his hand brush against my back. “Do you want to walk more slowly?” “No, I’m alright,” I told him even though I felt like I’d die if I had to walk another inch. “I’ll make it.”

In the end I _did_ make it, but I the thought of ordering pain medication was really tempting. Once we had reached the café we sat down at the table we’d ordered, waiting for the other guys to arrive. I decided to go on my phone for a bit and started to look through the photos I had saved, occasionally deleting one.

Most of the pictures showed Michael, a family member or Ashton and Calum, but sometimes I stumbled upon fan art or photos Arzaylea and I had taken. Realising how much drama would be there once the fans found out she was going to be on tour with us, I sighed sadly.

I knew that a lot of fans hated her - some for dating me but most of them for supposedly being disrespectful towards other people and being a ‘bitch’. Honestly, I thought they were quite right. Arzaylea was one of my best friends of course, but I had seen the way she had presented herself in public before and heard her talk about some of the fans.

Sometimes I didn’t get why she was acting so sassy and bitchy towards them – the girl she was online wasn’t the person I’d met and asked to be my cover-up girlfriend 7 months ago. Why didn’t she show them how she really was instead of being rude and acting superior to them?

I didn’t know.

The Arzaylea I knew was nice, dominant, protective and cared for me. The Arzaylea they knew was hopelessly lost, self-centred, hypocritical, someone you wouldn’t want to do anything for. There were a lot of people talking shit about her out there, too, which didn’t exactly help the situation.

I remembered when we were in Europe someone had accused her of stealing. Most people had believed that person, even though Arz had sworn she didn’t even know the girl very well.

Luckily, the hate was Arzaylea and I’s business most of the time – however, sometimes Michael sneaked his way into there and those were truly the worst times.

He had been so mad when he’d found out about Arzaylea doing cocaine in the past and we’d fought a lot until he’d finally given in, saying she should ‘mind her own fucking business’ as long as I wasn’t involved.

Honestly, I could perfectly understand his points – I didn’t really enjoy having to pretend I was dating a girl either, no matter if we were friends or not, and Arzaylea could be quite difficult sometimes.

However, I hoped both she and Michael would be able to enjoy the American leg of the tour, despite the drama that was surely awaiting us. I sighed again and scrolled past all the selfies Arzaylea and I had taken, to the bottom of the folder where the photos of Michael and me were.

Calum had taken most of them, just when we weren’t paying attention to him and he could snap our cute little encounters between interviews and concerts. My favourite one, which was also in the background my homescreen, was in the left bottom corner and showed Michael and me in Bali as I was taking a nap on him.

After I had fallen asleep, sprawled out across his back of course, someone had taken a picture of us while he had been on his phone. The picture wasn’t exactly cheesy or anything, but I liked the way I had snuggled into my boyfriend’s back, feeling safe and relaxed as my cheek was pressed against his still slightly sunburnt flesh.

“Are you looking at Mike again, loverboy?” My head snapped up as soon as I heard Ashton’s amused chuckle beside me and I cleared my throat, awkwardly replying: “Uhh…yeah?”

“You should probably turn that off, though,” my older bandmate told me. “We don’t want anyone to see that, do we?”

“No.” I shook my head and locked my phone, shoving it into the pocket of my grey jacket which I’d put on. As soon as the evidence of my relationship with Michael was gone Ashton and I were suddenly greeted by two voices, one clearly belonging to Alex Gaskarth while the other one sounded only slightly familiar.

We both looked up and eyed the two men approaching our table, nodding at them.

“You’ve already arrived, I see,” the older guy, a friend and colleague of Feldy, said as he pulled back the chair opposite me. Alex quickly copied his actions.

“Yeah, we are,” Ashton smiled and then turned to Alex, welcoming him with a ‘bro’-handshake. “Alex, man, good to see you again! It’s been a while!”

“Yeah, Ash, definitely!” the All-Time-Low member grinned and reached over to me, placing an arm on my shoulder and squeezing in.

“Wow, Luke, dude, you’re seriously still growing.”

“Yeah, tell me something new, mate,” I laughed a little. “How are you?”

We spent the next two hours talking about my band’s next album, the records we were going to make and new music by All Time Low the band had yet to release. At some point I found myself thinking that this wasn’t as bad as I thought – but I was wrong.

Halfway during lunch the pain in my back started to increase even more until it was giving me a slight headache. For some reason I was exhausted and very hungry at the same time and almost ordered another plate after I’d finished my first one.

Luckily, I could hold back myself just in time and tried to focus on the conversation with Johnson, Ash and Alex. However, my mind became blurrier and blurrier and finally, when the nausea started to come back, I excused myself, truthfully telling them I wasn’t feeling too well.

Ashton wanted to take me back to the hotel himself, but I convinced him to stay and talk to the two guys for a little longer.

I felt really unwell by the time I finally arrived at the hotel and didn’t want to do anything but sleep, but sadly my body had other plans and I found myself in the bathroom in front of the toilet, getting sick again.

By now I was so stressed that I felt dizzy and weak and I honestly thought I was going to pass out when I slowly wobbled back to my bed. I shakily reached out for my phone, trying to message Michael despite my hazy vision and tell him I was feeling horrible.

Fortunately, he immediately replied to me, but it took me a while to read his answer since the little letters on the screen made my eyes hurt and my headache worsen.

“You sound like you’re actually sick this time,” I finally managed to make out after quite some time. “Do you have a fever?”

Groaning, I realised checking my temperature was probably the only thing I could do right now, so I started searching for a thermometer. However, it turned out I was perfectly healthy, according to the electronic device.

“No,” I texted Michael back as soon as I got the result. “Normal temperature. I just feel super awful, save me!”

Again, it took him no time to reply and I smiled at his message, feeling my cheeks heat up at the thought of him sitting in the studio with Cal, reading my texts with a fond expression on his face.

“I wish I could, baby. Go get some sleep for me, yeah? We’ll skype at 7:00 PM your time.”

I didn’t bother to reply to his message and put my phone aside instead, tiredly closing my eyes and letting the darkness of sleep consume me.

 

 

When I woke up again I was still alone, however, I could immediately tell Ashton had been here due to the mess of clothes on his bed and his open suitcase. Realising I felt a little better, I sat up and spotted a note beside my feet.

I crawled over to the spot and picked the letter up, immediately recognising Ashton’s messy handwriting.

_“Hey Luke!_

_You were asleep when I arrived and you still looked pretty bad so I went into the lounge for a bit with Alex to avoid disturbing you. If you need anything don’t hesitate to call me, I’ll be helping you out._

_See ya later, Ash xx.”_

I chuckled at the two ‘x’es he had put after his name in an old manner. He truly was a dork.

Deciding not to call him since I actually felt alright again, I reached for my phone which I had placed on the nightstand before I’d gone to sleep and opened the Twitter app.

Quite a while had passed since I’d been online, I realised as I looked through a few of my notifications, which meant I actually read less than one percent. But who would have the time to check all of them anyway?

I retweeted two posts about our upcoming shows in America and liked another one with a picture of fan art, appreciating the effort the creator had put into it. My notifications started blowing up immediately and I could see a lot of people messaging me, but I ignored it and typed Michael’s name into the search bar instead.

It was probably not very healthy to look at all the drama and potential hate that could be there, but the fans had a talent for posting the most beautiful pictures of my boyfriend and I liked looking at him when I couldn’t have him next to me.

I smiled at the first few tweets, enjoying how nice all the fans were when it came to Michael, when I suddenly stumbled upon something that made me frown and stare at my screen more intensely.

_“Haven’t y’all noticed how Michael looked so small and skinny lately? I hope he’s okay. #staysafemichael,”_ someone had said and apparently a lot of people agreed, judging by the amount of likes and retweets the post had got.

I scrolled down a little, blinking to get the sentence out of my head, which wasn’t easy.

What if the fans were right? Had Michael been losing weight? Maybe I just hadn’t notice it because I was so used to him being smaller than me.

But I was with him all the time and he did eat just as much as always, didn’t he? He was fine… What if he wasn’t?

The questions threatened to overwhelm me and I quickly closed Twitter, trying to swallow down the lump that had settled in my throat. Breathing in shakily, I went to my pictures again, searching for a recent one of my boyfriend and me.

Finally I found one I had screenshotted from Instagram and, to be honest, I immediately noticed what the fans had been pointing out. Michael was standing right next to me, arms wrapped around my waist, and even though he was only half an inch smaller than me he looked really skinny next to my own huge body.

I knit my brow as I zoomed into the picture, observing it more closely in an attempt to find anything that’d make me stop worrying. However, the longer I looked at his skinny, fit body beside me the shakier my hands grew.

Why was Mike so small? And why, for god’s sake, _why_ was I so damn big?

I quickly slid past the picture in order to get the image out of my head. Its sight had basically carved itself into my mind, though, and the photograph I was now looking at didn’t make it any better.

I swallowed again as I felt my eyes start to burn, looking at a screenshot of Ashton giving me a piggyback ride. How was that even physically possible, considering I was so much taller than my friend?

Of course he could lift all of us, but I still didn’t get it. I wondered if he thought about how heavy I was whenever he carried me on his back.

He had to notice it, didn’t he? He just couldn’t ignore how big I was, nobody really could. I was always taller, broader, always filling half of the picture, always making my bandmates look skinny, small.

 I observed picture after picture, unable to stop as I finally realised how disgustingly broad my shoulders had become and how massive I often looked.

I only realised tears were brimming in my eyes and had already started coating my lashes when I was done with the folder, seriously tempted to look at another one. However, I just couldn’t take it anymore – I didn’t want to look at myself and constantly think about how gross I often looked.

I put my head in my hands, groaning. At that moment I was so stressed out that I couldn’t think about anything else. When I was younger I used to be very insecure over my weight, but back then I could talk to Michael about it.

However, now I couldn’t even _think_ about telling him about my worries – how could I complain about my looks when he was fighting something much darker, much _worse_?

His depression had never left, no matter how hard he had tried to fight it.

Michael, wonderful and in my eyes perfect Michael, didn’t care about his appearance anymore, too occupied with trying to have a perfect, flawless personality despite his demons told him.

He was a lot better than last year, but I knew he was still having a hard time trying to chase away the sadness with laughter and smiles. And there _I_ was, worried about how I _looked_. I hated being the cry baby I was – I should be happy about the fact that I was mentally healthy, but instead I complained about the broadness of my shoulders.

It was disgusting, I was disgusting.

And I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

 

 

The next days were a blur. The thoughts from yesterday wouldn’t leave my head, even though I was disgusted at how superficial I was being. My mind didn’t do what I wanted it to; it just wouldn’t leave me in peace.

I was basically wavering between complaining about my appearance and wondering why I just couldn’t stop being an awful person that cared too much about things that didn’t count. Or did they?

I wasn’t so sure anymore.

Ashton had sensed something was going on in just a few hours – of course, he was Ashton after all – and he tried to cheer me up by taking me outside whenever he got the chance to. However, the only thing I still enjoyed about our trip were the nights in the hotel room when I got to skype with Michael, although the sight of him always reminded me of my own superficialness.

I hadn’t told him that I had started to frequently get sick in the morning again, knowing he’d worry too much and make me see a doctor again, which I definitely didn’t need right now. I, truth be told, wasn’t in the mood for showing my body to anyone and letting people tell me something was wrong with me when I already knew I was disgusting.

Actually, I’d started seeing something good in the fact that I kept throwing up, considering maybe, if it went on like this, I could lose some weight in order to appear smaller again. I hadn’t told anyone about this, though, because I knew they’d make a big deal out of something as stupid as this.

For now I’d just deal with it on my own.

 

 

When Ashton and I left Vienna two days before our first show in America I was glad to be back in LA yet nervous about the upcoming shows, anxiously awaiting the next leg of the tour. You never knew what the fans were going to say and, since I was already unsure of myself, I spent nights awake, imagining what it was all going to be like.

I was really glad that I got to see Michael again before tour started, though – whenever I felt the need to distract myself from my worries I imagined his familiar scent and the comfortable warmth radiating off his body when I was curled into his side with his arms wrapped around me.

Our plane landed at 11:00 pm, which was why we hadn’t asked anyone to pick us up from the airport once we arrived. Ashton and I called a taxi together and decided to stop by his and Calum’s flat first before dropping me off at my apartment.

Due to the lack of sleep I’d got I was barely awake when the driver told me we had reached our destination and I could hardly read the numbers on the dollar notes he handed me as change.

Stumbling up the stairs whilst holding on to my two heavy suitcases, I slowly made my way to the elevator and pressed the button of our floor, glad that I didn’t have to take the stairs. I wasn’t exactly a fan of rooms that were claustrophobic in any way, but right now taking the lift seemed like the better option.

Nonetheless I sighed in relief when I heard the dinging noise that indicated I had safely made it to the right floor without the cabin getting stuck. I quickly lifted up my luggage again, groaning at the weight which made my muscles hurt, and stepped out of the cabin, trying to remember where I had left my keys.

Luckily, I soon found them in one of the pockets of the first suitcase and fiddled around with the bunch, trying to unlock the door without having to drop my luggage. Somehow my dazed brain found a way to make me enter the apartment and I quickly closed the door behind me in a paranoid manner, making sure to lock everyone out.

I expected Michael to still be up, probably playing video games, but I hadn’t wanted him to have to leave the apartment in the middle of the night just to pick me up from the airport, hence I hadn’t told him the exact time of our arrival.

However, now I wasn’t very surprised when I heard his voice from the living room as soon as I had dropped my bags while letting out another relieved sigh, reaching behind me to rub my aching back.

“Hello? Luke? Is this you?”

“Yeah, it’s me!” I replied weakly and frowned a little afterwards. I hadn’t expected my voice to sound as drained and tired as it had just now. However, my thoughts were disrupted by shuffling footsteps that seemed to be approaching the white door across the hallway.

Light was coming through the little gap between the ground and the wood of the door, being reflected by the neat, shiny hallway floor I was standing on as I slowly watched the crack grow until the hallway was bathed in warm light.

Right in the middle of the new opening there was a figure, someone whose forms I immediately recognised. I instantly felt the soothing feeling of familiarity spread inside my chest, leaving my tired and hurting limbs all tingly and warm.

Only now I realised how much I’d missed him and his booming voice, his fluffy hair and his soft body. For a while I just stood there, admiring his shape, which was being illuminated by the source of light behind him, and the beautiful smile on his lips which I knew was on my own face, too, as if I was his reflection in a mirror.

“Lukey,” he said and my name sounded like a wonderful spell that could cause flowers to bloom and trees to grow from his lips. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to experience this, even though it had happened so many times after us being apart.

But now, when he started moving and almost ran towards me, throwing his arms around my body and lifting me up, spinning me around as if I was light as a feather, I suddenly remembered and all the negativity was gone somehow.

“You’re back,” I heard him mumble into the crook of my neck and felt my smile grow even wider as I buried my face in his hair, inhaling his warm scent.

“God, I missed you so much!” someone said and it took me a few seconds to realise I was that person, but I didn’t care. Right now the only thing that mattered was him, the one holding me as tight as if it was the last time.

However, of course every magical moment had to end and this one was unpleasantly interrupted by a sharp pain shooting through my body as my back made a cracking noise. I couldn’t help but wince and Michael immediately set me down, looking at me with concern-filled eyes.

“Are you okay? That didn’t sound too good.”

“I’m fine,” I tried to smile through the pain. “I hurt my back in Vienna or something, ‘s been aching for a few days.”

“You should maybe go see a doctor before tour, just to make sure your spine hasn’t broken or anything.”

I chuckled a little and this time my smile was sincere. “I knew you’d say that, dumbass. And if my spine was broken I’d not be here, walking around.”

Michael sniggered to himself and pecked my neck, his lips causing goosebumps to appear on my skin.

“Nerd,” my boyfriend smirked and I playfully slapped him.

“Idiot.”

“Loser.”

“Princess.”

“Oh, shut up, Luke, we both know who the princess with the golden boots is. I’m punk rock!”

“No you’re not!”

“Yes, I am.”

“Whatever.”

I shook my head at him, suddenly having the urge to yawn and rub my eyes.

“I should shower,” I said as Michael slung his arms around me waist and brought me closer to him again.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Lucas?”

“Nothing,” I blushed, “I just didn’t have time this morning. I probably stink.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Asshole.” I pouted and watched Michael’s smile grow wider while he looked me straight in the eye, his green gaze burning through my skull.

“Should I join you?”

“I d-dunno,” I stuttered, awkward as ever. “Only if you want to.”

“For you always,” Michael smirked. “Let’s go.”

We spent over 30 minutes in the shower together. Of course it wasn’t quite innocent and I hadn’t expected anything else, considering Michael and I still were fairly hormonal boys who had barely grown out of the teen zone.

However, he also treated me very well, washing my hair and helping me clean my body when tiredness washed over me again and I could barely keep my eyelids from drooping.

We didn’t talk a lot that evening; however, I was perfectly fine with that, content with the simple fact that Michael made everything better, even when he didn’t know it. When we lay down together on our king sized bed, covered by two blankets, I could already feel myself relax a little more.

And I knew, no matter where we were, Michael would never fail to calm down the hurricane of thoughts inside my head and even make it disappear for as long as we were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I forgot to update yesterday and the day before? I'm such a fail, honestly :) Anyways, hope you enjoyed some cute muke and some explaining of Luke's character.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Arzaylea** _

 

“Okay, I’ve got my toothbrush, some underwear, my make-up,“ I listed as I rummaged through the things in my suitcase, searching for a pair of pajamas.

“Oh, there’s my baby! Well, looks like I’m done then, if there’s anything else left I can buy it.”

Contentedly I straightened up from my bent down position and closed my suitcase, locking it up with the cute little key I’d bought yesterday on my last-minute-shopping-trip with Mia. Today was the 30th of June – or rather: the day I was supposed to fly to join Luke and his band on tour again.

I’d accompanied him before, much to the fans’ dismay, but this time it was official and he even planned on making a statement about it. Luke still seemed really eager to hide his and Michael’s relationship, even though I bet the majority of the fandom would love to see him being gay for his bandmate.

However, I didn’t want to interfere with his plan and if he wanted me to pretend to be his girlfriend for a little longer I would gladly help him out.

Right now I was in the flat he’d bought for ‘us’ to convince everyone of our relationship, although he had ended up never coming here. I was alone and therefore, of course, talking to myself as I checked my suitcase one last time.

I really didn’t want to forget anything, still feeling guilty because I used Luke’s credit card from time to time – it was no wonder that the fans believed I was living off him, considering I had no proper job and basically earned money from supporting brands of clothing or make-up on Instagram.

Most of the time I was fine with it, but sometimes I just needed some financial support – I was going to return the favor one day, anyways.

I ran my fingers through my long, dark hair, untangling the strands and knots, my gaze still resting on my suitcase. This trip was going to be interesting for sure, even though I was oblivious to the exact way it would turn out yet.

But right at this moment I had an unspecific feeling in my gut telling me the American leg of the tour wasn’t going to be ordinary at all.

Much later it should turn out I had been right – however, I didn’t suspect anything yet.

 

I hadn’t seen Luke in almost three weeks I realized when I was at the airport, waiting for my flight to be announced. Sadly, I couldn’t take the private jet 5 Seconds of Summer sometimes rented, but I wasn’t really mad, rather not looking forward to having to interact with people.

I could get a little antisocial at times and after the last time I’d gone out partying with my friends I’d found myself in that state again, sulking in my loneliness and only talking to the nice old lady from the floor above and Mia.

It wasn’t like the night with Jake had made me think or anything – having sex with my male friend was just my style of living, something I was used to. However, thinking about his new success and everything the other guys had achieved made me feel a little bad about myself.

Of course there were some druggies who were probably going to overdose within the next two years, leaving this world with barely 25 years, but others were moving on, picking the pieces of themselves off the floor and making something new, better out of them.

Something I felt like I wasn’t ready for it yet, though. It was good to know that in a few days I would return to being my carefree, lively self that cared for no one but Luke and possibly his idiot boyfriend.

However, I didn’t seem to be quite there yet, which was why I spent the flight to pondering on what I’d done and what I was going to do on tour.

The flight went well and I found myself arriving at the airport of far too soon, still in a slight daze from dozing off in my seat during the last minutes of landing. I didn’t know if anyone was supposed to pick me up, but figured Luke hadn’t sent anybody as I hadn’t told him the exact time of arrival.

Additionally, I reckoned to remember he and Michael were only arriving today as well and they probably needed to sort out their hotel rooms first.

So that was how I ended up in a small cab, driving through the streets of Uncasville, humming along to the music coming through my earbuds.

 

 

When I arrived at the hotel the boys were staying at I luckily ran into their bodyguard Dave, who told me Luke and Michael had arrived an hour ago because they had spent their last two days of freedom in Washington, unnoticed by the fans, and were now both sleeping.

However, Calum and Ashton were up as well as one of the stylist-trainees I had met at the European leg of the tour and I decided to look for them after leaving my luggage in my room. The flight had really provided me with well-needed time to think, but now I could feel myself growing out of the antisocial phase, which was why I went to see some other people.

After getting the keys for my room and stowing away my suitcases I decided to explore the hotel. I’d never stayed here although I’d been to Uncasville before and didn’t know if I would have the chance to orient myself later.

As I strolled around the hotel, ambling wherever I wanted to, I tried to locate the toilets, in case I had to use them later, and the hotel restaurant, which was hard to ignore as there were posters advertising it pinned against every wall of the hotel.

I could feel myself getting hungry when I passed the bistro, smelling the delicious scent of fried potatoes – I didn’t exactly know why, but suddenly I really felt like eating a piece of fish with potatoes and gravy, although it was a pretty unusual combination of food.

Just when I considered ordering some food I heard some familiar voices behind me and turned around, still standing in the middle of the corridor. Now I at least wouldn’t have to search anymore, as the people approaching me were Ashton, Calum, a technician I barely knew and Melissa, the stylist-trainee.

Melissa was also the first person to notice me and I watched her lips form a smile, satisfied that there seemed to be someone who didn’t despise me.

“Melissa, babe, how are you?” I greeted her, embracing her with my arms and kissing the air next to her cheek.

“Arz,” she laughed, “what are you doing here? I thought you were going to arrive later.” “Well, looks like I’m here now.” I grinned and patted her back a little, letting go afterwards and eyeing her with a smile. Her hair, which had been dyed black the last time I’d seen her, was now a pinkish shade of red with a few lighter strands in it and slightly shorter than before.

“Nice hair,” I complimented and tried to ignore the skeptical glances Ashton shot me from where he stood, at Melissa’s right side.

“Oh, thank you. Yours is, too. I wish mine was as thick. Hah, I remember the time when you wore that lavender wig and I saw it on Instagram – I was seriously shocked ‘cause I thought you’d dyed it.”

“No, silly, I just love wearing wigs.” I examined her body from head to toe, frowning when I realized she looked different in some kind of way. I didn’t know what it was, though, her skin wasn’t tanner than usual and her eyes were just as blue as before.

However, she kind of looked like she was glowing and her skin looked really beautiful, even in the fluorescent, almost cold lighting of the hallway. And most importantly, she seemed happy – like someone who had no worries whatsoever, who had found their true inner peace.

“Anything wrong?” she asked me and my head snapped up immediately as I realized I had been staring at her in a creepy way.

“Nuh-uh, nothing,” I shook my head and gave her a reassuring smile. “I was just thinking.”

Technically, I was lying right now, but I had the feeling that it’d be better to ask Melissa later when we were alone.

“So, are you done talking? ‘cause I’d like to get going,” Ashton suddenly stepped in, his voice cool and distant, but I could still see a hint of disapproval in his hazel eyes which were staring at me.

“Wow, hello to you, too, Ashton!” I greeted him nicely nonetheless, smiling at him as I pretended not to notice how reserved he still seemed when it came to me. “Did you all have a nice break?”

“Yeah, we had, thanks for asking!” Calum answered and I sent him a thankful glance, glad that at least he knew how to cover up his aloofness. “That’s great! I heard you had so much fun in L.A.! I mean, I had, too, but Luke was so enthusiastic about your occasional writing sessions.”

And here we go again – I was pretending to be Luke’s girlfriend who was head over heels in love with him and his bandmates faked obliviousness to our relationship. Barely anyone on tour knew about Michael and Luke, which made it even harder for them to get time alone, but they both said it was just for their best.

“So, let’s get going, shall we?” Melissa said and everyone nodded approvingly, slowly starting to move again. I walked by the stylist-trainees side as I was the closest to her and we kept talking about what we had done during the break.

It was pointless banter, really, but I kind of enjoyed talking to someone whose life didn’t revolve around getting drunk and going to fancy parties only.

Melissa was just a really nice girl and someone who didn’t seem to believe every prejudice that was spread on the internet.

After a while of strolling around the group decided to split up and it was only then that I realized there had been another person who I hadn’t noticed yet.

She was a little smaller than me with short brown hair and hadn’t said anything yet, only observing the scene quietly with her dark eyes, which were framed by winged eyeliner. Now was the first time I heard her speak: “I wanna go upstairs, I’m getting tired.”

“Should I take you there?” Calum immediately offered even though he had just said he wanted to look for a fitness studio, but Melissa disrupted him: “It’s no problem, she can come with Arz and me. We’re going upstairs, too.”

“Are you s-“ Calum started again, a little frown on his tan face, but again he was cut off, this time being by the short-haired brunette, who smiled at him.

“It’s okay, Cal, I’ll go with them. See y’all at dinner.”

“See you,” Ashton and the others replied before heading right while Melissa, the girl and I chose the hallway to our left which went to our hotel rooms.

“Uh, excuse me, I don’t think we’ve met before,” I said to the unfamiliar female after taking a few steps. “I’m Arz, short for Arzaylea, Luke’s girlfriend.”

The girl nodded and turned her head, looking at me with cold eyes and I could immediately tell she knew about the compromise Luke and I had made as well as everything that was being said about me on the internet.

“Well, I’m Nia,” she replied after a few moments of silence.

“Hi, Nia.” I smiled at her as I tried to ignore her expression, which was similar to the one Ashton had worn earlier. She probably thought I was a manipulative, attention-seeking bitch, but I would sure as hell prove her wrong.

 

 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna join us for dinner?” Ashton asked for the third time, still standing in the middle of Luke’s and Michael’s hotel room with his hands on his hips.

“Yeah, I am a hundred percent sure,” Luke repeated, also probably for the third time, and shook his head lightly.

“I just don’t feel very well right now, I’ll just stay here with Arz and Mike, if he still wants to keep me company.”

“Of course I do, baby, I wouldn’t leave you alone like this.” Michael pecked Luke’s pale cheek as if to prove his words and Ashton sighed, running his fingers through his curly hair.

“Well, I guess I’ll tell the others, then. Do you need anything?”

“No, we’re good,” Michael replied with a smile as I continued watching the scenery, silently remaining on the spare bed next to the big window.

I had decided against joining the crew for dinner because I’d experienced a random attack of hunger earlier and satisfied my starvation by eating a whole bag of chips, Oreos and a few tomatoes Melissa had found somewhere.

To be honest, all of it had tasted quite nice, but now I felt sick and a little dizzy, hence I didn’t want to go to dinner, knowing the smell of food wouldn’t help the nausea I was experiencing.

Luke on the other hand was apparently feeling too light-headed to leave his hotel room and Michael insisted on staying with him, which I could understand perfectly. I was a little worried about Luke myself because I had started to notice the amount of times when he felt sick or dizzy had started to increase.

“Have a nice evening!” Ashton told Michael and Luke, who were cuddled together closely on their king-size bed, as he opened the door, about to leave the room. “I’m probably gonna be busy, but maybe Cal or Casey are gonna visit you.”

Then he exited the room, leaving us three by ourselves. As soon as he was gone I raised my eyebrow at the gay couple across the room.

“Who’s Casey?”

“He’s from Hey Violet,” Michael replied as he pulled Luke closer until the blonde’s head was resting on his chest. “They’re the first band we signed.”

“Casey, Rena, Miranda, Nia,” Luke started listing the names of the band members but at the last one I twitched, slightly surprised.

“Nia is in Hey Violet?”

“Yeah, of course. Did you meet her already?” I received a questioning glance from Luke and nodded, remembering my encounter with the short-haired girl earlier.

“Yeah, I thought she was Calum’s girlfriend or something. She didn’t seem too fond of me.” “Calum’s girlfriend!” Michael suddenly exclaimed, startling me again. “Oh god, I gotta tell Ashton. That’s just golden, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Luke confirmed, a wide smile on his tired face. “We’ll win the bet anyway.”

“What bet?” I asked just when Michael corrected his boyfriend: “No, _I’m_ gonna win. You’re just my supporter.”

“God, shut up!”

Luke lightly slapped the older boy’s arm which resulted in Michael trying to push him off his chest, making the singer whine and hold on to him even tighter until his lover had enough, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Boys, stop being all in love over there, I’m getting jealous,” I groaned from my spot on the bed while rubbing circles on my queasy tummy in an attempt to make the nausea fade. “Desperation, sexual frustration,” Michael sang, imitating the melody of Permanent Vacation as Luke giggled into his chest, the noises coming out muffled by the soft fabric.

“Excuse me, I’m not sexually frustrated!” I cleared up, acting offended. “I had sex three weeks ago, thank you very much.”

“Well, you can’t beat me, though, as Luke and I had a little…encounter on the plane over. By the way, does your ass still hurt, baby?”

Michael ran a hand down Luke’s back teasingly, his fingertips ghosting over his ass until his boyfriend slapped him again. “Shut up or else you’ll end up alone faster than you can say my brother’s name!”

“What a lame comparison.”

“Shut up, will you? What did I just tell you?”

“We both know you’re not the one in charge, though, Lukey boy.”

“Fu-“

“Oh my god, I’m gonna leave!” I groaned again, giving them the hint that I was getting up but never actually moving as I still felt a little sick.

“No, don’t go, Arz,” Luke whined and closed his eyes as he re-positioned his head on Michael’s chest. Honestly, the two looked so cuddly and soft that I had to fight back the urge to coo at them. They were the cutest and most cliché couple I’d ever seen, although Michael was kind of a dick to Luke and the younger boy had learned to counter quite well by now.

I may or may not have taught him how to sass people – nobody will ever know…

“So what’s up in LA-trashland?” Michael asked, a slightly teasing note evident in his voice, but I just waved him off.

“As always. People get drunk, people are being drama queens, people fuck.”

“Including you,” Luke smirked and I shook my head at him. Why had I taught him how to counter again?

“Oh my god, fuck off, Hemmings, your ass literally just got wrecked,” I replied sassily, stretching myself a little on the bed.

All of a sudden I felt the strong urge to yawn and closed my eyes when I gave in to my desire, closing my eyes throughout the process. Only now I completely realized how tired I was and glanced at Luke and Michael briefly, finding them cuddled up still, caught in their own conversation.

If the two were only going to be two huge lovebirds anyway, I didn’t know what was keeping me from leaving them on their own.

“I’m gonna go,” I told them, not actually expecting an answer as they had started making out by now, and got up from the bed, wobbling towards the door.

My legs seemed to have fallen asleep as I had lain down and now they were all tingle, making it difficult for me to walk – well, at least I didn’t feel queasy anymore.

“Okay, boys, have a very nice evening,” I repeated pertly and shot the two guys on the bed one last glare. “I’m done.”

Again they didn’t even seem to acknowledge my presence so I just exited the room and closed the door behind me. However, when I heard Luke screech behind me, telling me to come back, I couldn’t help but smile at him and his lover boy.

You could say a lot, but those two were literal goals for everyone.

I quickly made my way towards my own room, which was luckily across the hallway, and already started looking forward to the nice, warm bath I was going to take now – however, my plans were thwarted by the person I was sharing my room with – Melissa.

At first I didn’t even notice her due to the fact that she was sitting on her bed in silence, not showing any reaction at all when I opened the door and entered the room, so when she suddenly started to giggle I jumped, startled.

“What th-“ I began, but she didn’t allow me to finish my sentence as she turned to me within a second, her eyes widening in confusion.

“Oh, it’s just you, Arz.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Why aren’t you at dinner? Are you on the phone?”

“Actually, yes.” She smiled at me kind of apologetically and gestured at the bed as if she wanted me to join her, but I knew she’d rather be alone right now.

“I’m gonna be on the balcony, reading,” I quickly decided, grabbing my book off the nightstand and leaving the room yet again to get seated on the balcony.

However, I could still hear Melissa talk from there and at some point her conversation seemed so much more interesting than the novel I was reading.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said in a hushed tone, as if he didn’t want me to hear anything. “Of course, I went there yesterday morning. Didn’t you get the pics? Oh, I see… Isn’t it amazing? It’s like, so super fucking cute; I can’t look at it without squealing.

“Yeah, I know, I thought about that, too… Well, babe, I kinda gotta go now, I’m pretty hungry again. He-hey, don’t mock me, it’s normal! Yes, I’ll call you tomorrow. See you in a week, honey, bye.”

And while my friend ended the call I sat on the balcony, utterly confused about what I had just overheard. What the actual hell could she be talking about?

Technically, Melissa’s life was none of my business, but I kind of considered us friends and I was just really curious now about the phone call.

However, little did I know I was soon to find out about so much more than just this conversation…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So while I'm waiting for pinof 8 I'm casually uploading yay!
> 
> Sorry for the wait, I'm super busy atm and also my hip rlly hurts for some reason.
> 
> But anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter (feedback is appreciated). Thank you to everyone who left kudos, subscribed or commented :) You're the best and I'm glad the effort I put into this story is appreciated.
> 
> Well, I gotta go watch anime now.
> 
> See you next week with another update!
> 
> Luna


	6. Chapter 6

_**Arzaylea** _

 

Honestly, the following week went horrible, not only for me but for a lot of people on tour, actually. First I had a fight with my mum via Skype and then Michael got really jealous when Luke and I went out one afternoon to visit the city we were currently in.

Admittedly, we had _kissed_ a few times when people with cameras were next to us, but it was nothing we hadn’t done before and Luke said it would be the best for our ‘relationship’.

He seemed to be getting more and more eager to hide his affection for Michael as the days went on and I was seriously starting to worry if something was wrong with him.

In fact, I knew something wasn’t right.

He constantly complained about nausea and the vomiting that had taken over the afternoons as well – not to mention the back pains he suffered from.

However, apparently I knew just as much about the cause of his condition as he did.

Luke also started to hide in his room more and more often, sometimes with Michael, but I found him alone from time to time, staring blankly at the wall with his phone in his hands.

I hadn’t asked him about his weird behavior, though, because I honestly had my own problems to deal with. Sometimes I really wondered whether Luke’s sickness was contagious, as I had been throwing up quite a lot throughout the week.

Usually the nausea would fade after about 60 minutes, but sometimes it stayed longer, making me want to lock myself in my room and shut the world out. Melissa was barely there due to her job and even though I had kind of started hanging out with Nia and Calum, I didn’t see them nearly as often as I wanted to.

This week was also the time when I began to miss my family and friends in LA, whether I wanted to or not. I hadn’t really kept in touch with my dad after moving out, but sometimes he would take me out for dinner or give me money to buy clothes for my birthday.

He was a kind and rich man, someone I liked spending time with since he was so professional about everything and didn’t judge me because of my life style, but there was no real connection between us anymore.

Every time I saw him I felt like I was spending time with a random person, someone I knew a little, yet who definitely wasn’t my father.

My mother was a different story, though. Whenever I called her we would end up arguing about the most stupid things, but I just couldn’t detach myself from her. Maybe it was because I remembered the love she used to give me and my brother when we were younger, which had faded away as we’d gotten older.

However, there was nothing I could change about the fact that she was my mother, no matter how she treated me.

Usually, I was okay with my family situation, but every once in a while I got jealous of Luke and his friends – they all had such perfect families, apart from Ashton maybe, and siblings who loved and admired them instead of telling them they were pathetic, as my brother Arzel liked to do.

I had talked to Luke’s family before and knew they accepted what her son did as long as I treated him well and didn’t tear his and Michael’s relationship apart.

And that wasn’t my intention, definitely not…

 

I groaned and lifted my head from my soft pillow, realizing I had been thinking way too much. The fact that I could feel the familiar queasiness bubble in my stomach again didn’t exactly improve my mood, which was already pretty bad.

It was 10:00 in the morning and today we were in for the boy’s next show. Luckily, there was plenty of time left until soundcheck started – I didn’t even want to _imagine_ getting out of bed right now.

Realizing it would be the best to just go to sleep again, I closed my eyes, resting my head on the cushion again; however, I already knew I wouldn’t be able to rest for a long time. In fact I was right – the nausea I was feeling was constantly increasing and after barely 10 minutes I couldn’t take the squirming of my insides anymore, slowly sitting up.

I got dizzy as soon as my feet touched the floor, but I knew I would have to hurry if I wanted to make it to the bathroom in time. Shakily I wobbled over to the white door, gripping the wall for support as I made my way through the frame.

Just then I felt my stomach turn and within a second I was bent over the toilet, throwing up what I had for dinner last night.

“Fuck,” I groaned at the horrible, sour taste in my mouth, spitting some saliva into the bowl that was already filled with a rather disgusting and not quite liquid substance.

Its appearance made me gag all over again and before I knew it I was vomiting again, cold sweat making its way down my neck. My vision grew fuzzy when I opened my eyes and I couldn’t concentrate on anything as my hands clung to the sides of the toilet bowl to keep myself from falling.

It was just horrible.

“What the fuck…?” I whined after puking for the third time, finally feeling as though I was done. The situation I was in right now had become I had to put up with every day by now. It was always the same routine – I would wake up in a completely exhausted state and feel nauseous soon afterwards, which led to me vomiting every time.

Honestly, it sucked – I knew this needed to improve quickly or else this tour wasn’t going to be fun. While brushing my teeth I thought about the weird stomach bug I had apparently caught again.

During the day I mostly felt fine, albeit a little tired but never nauseous; however, every time I woke up in the morning I ended up vomiting, which was definitely not normal. The virus had to be a really persistent one, considering Luke had had it for weeks now and Melissa also seemed to have caught it.

However, I didn’t get how Michael, who was basically in Luke’s pants 24 hours per day, was still fine. Maybe he just had a better immune system, who would know? Or Luke and I were more stressed out than him – which wouldn’t explain why Melissa had it as well nonetheless.

In short: I was really confused.

After the vomit-incident in the bathroom I decided to go to sleep again, which was easy now, since the nausea had faded as fast as it had appeared. When I woke up for the second time at 11:15 am I fortunately felt a lot better.

I didn’t want to overwork myself, though, so I stayed in bed for a while with my phone, updating my Snapchat-story and posting a picture of myself on Twitter. Then I decided it was time to ‘leak’ another picture of me and Luke so I logged into my second account and sent one of the photos we had taken a while ago to a random account.

I felt a little bad for tormenting the fans like this, but leaking the pictures was something Luke and I had agreed on doing in order to make everyone, and especially the band’s management, believe us.

Of course the shot, which showed Luke cuddling into my neck so that it looked like he was creating a hickey on my skin, was all over the internet a few minutes later and Michael, the original photographer of the image, texted me, asking me not to make a statement about it this time.

Hence I didn’t say anything when my notifications started blowing up and went off Twitter, deciding it was time to get dressed and properly start the day. Right after I’d put on one of the shirts I had bought with Luke recently the door of my room opened and Melissa came in, a huge grin on her face.

“Hey, Arz!” she greeted me happily. “Isn’t it a beautiful day?”

“Very beautiful indeed,” I grumbled, remembering the scene from earlier. “What’s up with you?”

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m gonna meet up with my fiancé today, we haven’t seen each other in weeks. I’m so excited!”

“That’s great!” I told her with a smile. “But hold on – you two weren’t engaged when we were in Spain, were you?”

“Nope, he asked me about a week after I got back. It was so beautiful!” Melissa’s smile grew even wider and I could tell she was very eager to tell me everything about the proposal. “Congratulations!” I said, getting up from the bed I had sat down on before and pulling her into a hug. “When are you gonna get married?”

“Next October, after the tour is done, maybe,” Melissa vaguely replied. “We don’t know yet. But I guess it’s gonna be a while till then. I just wanna see him.”

“You know, I’d really, really like to know more about the proposal,” I said, “but I’m kinda hungry right now. But we can meet up sometime later, if you’re free?”

“I gotta pick up Ryan at the airport at 04:00 pm since my job starts around 5:00, but I wanted to go to the city before anyway – so come join me?”

“Gladly!” I agreed, excitedly giving her a thumbs-up. “Now excuse me, please? I really gotta find something to eat.”

 

 

I spent the rest of the morning hanging out with Casey from Hey Violet, since Calum and Nia had gone to the movies together. Everyone seemed to believe they were dating, but, honestly, I couldn’t really tell if the rumors were true.

Around 1:30 pm I met up with Melissa again and helped her choose an outfit, which she kind of fussed about, claiming she wanted to ‘blow away’ her boyfriend today. However, after a lot of compliments and pep talks we were finally ready and 90 minutes later the two of us had just arrived at the airport after a long trip of shopping, only to find out Melissa’s fiancé’s flight had been delayed and we had to wait an additional half-hour.

“Let’s just sit down somewhere and wait, maybe get something to eat,” Melissa suggested and I agreed, pointing at a spot on a bench underneath a fake tree. “Let’s go there. Starbucks is right around this corner.”

We headed towards the seats and sat down, deciding on getting a coffee later with Ryan. “You know, I don’t know if I want to take his name or keep mine,” Melissa told me as we watched the people around us. “I mean, Melissa Miles sounds kinda shitty, right?”

“Just a little,” I grinned, internally laughing at a group of girl that had just walked past us and sent me a few scowls. Why couldn’t they just stop caring? “By the way, what are his parents like?”

“Well, I already told you about the proposal and how he set it up with his dad, didn’t I?” Melissa started to explain.

“A few days later we were over at his parents’ place where we broke down the news. Of course his father knew already, but his mother and his sister, who was also there, were pretty shocked.

It’s not like we dislike each other or anything, but I guess they don’t approve of him marrying me after only 3 years.”

“Wow, they’re sophisticated!” I pointed out, laughing again. “Dude, my longest relationship lasted for like…three months?”

“That’s not true, you’ve been with Luke for over 8 months!” Melissa corrected me and I realized I had made a mistake.

Scratching the back of my head, I nodded at her answer, trying not to give away myself. “Yeah, true. Y-You’re right…”

“Is everything okay between you two? I mean, I know you were out together two days ago, but he’s always missing and I feel like he’s spending much more time with his bandmates.”

“Yeah, but we’re fine,” I quickly assured her. “I hang out with them a lot more often than you’d think. And also he just needs some space sometimes – you know, with all the hate we get for the pictures and stuff.”

“Did they really get leaked or are the fans right?” Melissa curiously inquired. “I mean, they accuse you of leaking them.”

“Well…” I smiled a little, thinking of the cute photos I had taken of Luke and Michael, which looked so much realer than the ones that showed me and Luke. “I send them to people I trust, but unfortunately, they keep leaking them.”

“Oh, fake friends. That sucks.” Melissa nodded and let her gaze wander around, looking kind of absent-minded as she went on: “I used to think some people were my friends, too, but they disappointed me and left me when they found out I was pregnant.”

I nodded at her words, relating to them a lot. “Yeah, I feel you. I- Wait, _what_?!”

“Huh?” Melissa looked at me with big eyes, as if she hadn’t just announced she was carrying a child.

“You just said you are pregnant?!” I looked at her with wide eyes, completely confused by the way she was acting. Was she actually expecting a baby?

“Oh…” Her eyes found the floor much faster than I could catch her gaze and she started fidgeting uncomfortably, avoiding my stare.

“You know, I didn’t really tell anyone yet. Didn’t want to be looked at differently and stuff… They found out on accident and I just don’t want anyone else to leave me like my other friends did.”

“So, you’re pregnant?” I repeated. “Please, tell me it’s Ryan’s child!”

“Of course it is!” Melissa assured, acting offended. “I’d never cheat on him.”

“So – did you want a child? I mean, did you _try_ for it?”

“Not really,” the girl opposite me admitted and I buried my face in my hands, sighing deeply. “You know, it was kind of an accident, too. We didn’t use condoms and my…my contraceptives didn’t work.

“The doctor said it happens sometimes when you put it somewhere hot or something. Well, it resulted in my getting pregnant. Luckily, Ryan is happy about it as well and I kinda started looking forward to it, too.”

“You’re gonna be a parent!” I pointed out the obvious cheeringly. “Are you gonna finish the tour with us?”

“Yeah, as long as nothing goes wrong,” she told me. “And I hope I’ll be okay by the start of the next one.”

“Yeah, I hope that, too,” I said, even though I knew Luke and I probably weren’t going to last till then. “Couldn’t stand it without you. You’re like my only friend.”

“That’s not true, Arz. You’re not a bad person like everyone says – actually, you’re really cool and I’m kinda jealous of your friends for getting to party with you.”

“Hey, we can totally party together sometime!” I offered, but Melissa refused politely.

“Not now. I’m pregnant, remember?”

Oh yes, I did remember. I remembered so well that the thought didn’t leave my head once that day. Something about the story Melissa had told me made me think and feel like I was missing something important.

Well, I was getting closer to finding out with every passing hour, but I didn’t know that back then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :)  
> I know this chapter may seem unimportant rn and it is in fact kind of a filler, but i needed to have it there for...reasons. You'll see in the next chapter :)
> 
> Luna


	7. Chapter 7

_**Arzaylea** _

 

The day after I had gone to the city with Melissa was Ashton’s birthday. I almost forgot, but luckily Luke discreetly reminded me so that there wasn’t any awkwardness when I met the drummer in the hotel bistro. I quickly congratulated him and joined Melissa then, who was sitting with a few people I didn’t know, gnawing at her toast.

Fortunately, I didn’t feel nauseous this morning which was why I went for classical pancakes, happily enjoying them.

“Why aren’t you eating?” I asked Melissa, noticing she had put the bred back onto her plate.

She shrugged at me, giving me a half-hearted smile. “You know, morning sickness just sucks.”

“And where’s your lover boy?” I asked with a frown.

“Oh, didn’t I introduce you to each other already?”

“No, I don’t think so…”

“Well.” Melissa’s grin grew wider and turned to her right side where a blonde man was sitting, reading a newspaper while enjoying a coffee. “Hey, babe, I’d like to introduce you to someone.”

“Huh?” The man looked at me with blue eyes that kind of reminded me of Luke’s, a smile forming on his face when he saw me. “Oh, you must be Luke’s girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I am,” I easily lied. “And you’re Ryan?”

“Sure. I hope you don’t mind me reading?”

“Not at all.”

“Good.”

He turned away again and I leaned back, closing my eyes as I felt my body relax. Telling people Luke and I were together wasn’t difficult for me anymore – in fact, I had grown so used to the lie that I sometimes almost forgot it wasn’t real.

But luckily Michael still existed and always made sure to remind me.

I tilted my head a little, narrowing my eyes when I spotted the currently blonde boy sitting with Ashton, Cal, Nia, Casey, Rena and, of course, Luke right beside him.

They all seemed to be caught up in a funny conversation, judging by the smiling expressions they were all wearing, but I decided to walk over nonetheless, just to convince the remaining people I was Luke’s girlfriend.

After all, it would look weird if I didn’t sit with them.

“Hey babe,” I purred into Luke’s ear as soon as I reached him, draping my arms on his broad shoulders as I watched him wince at the name. “How’d you sleep?”

“Like shit, I was super dizzy and the room wouldn’t stop spinning,” he replied and rested his head back on my hands while I started stroking his warm neck.

“I’m sorry, Lukey. I slept very well, luckily.”

“Oh, it’s you, Arz,” I heard Michael’s voice to my right and turned to him with a smile.

“Oh, hi Mike! Nice to see you.”

“You, too,” he grumbled, pointedly facing the other way and starting to talk to Casey.

“Don’t worry ‘bout him, Arz, he’s just grumpy,” Luke quietly told me when I turned to him again with a frown, wondering what I’d done wrong. “He’s pissed because he doesn’t get to try out his new video game today ‘cause we got so much to do.”

“What’s your schedule today, then?” I asked confusedly. “We have two interviews within 3 hours – it’s been ages since we were at a radio station.”

“Aww, poor you,” I cooed at Luke’s pouty face and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I guess I’ll go explore the city or something – I just need some time on my own.”

“Sure, do what you want. Are you gonna attend Ash’s party tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. Depends on what he wants me to do.”

“I’m sure he won’t mind you coming. Bryana will be there.”

“Bryana is coming?” I knew my face lit up at the mention of the blonde girl as I grabbed Luke’s shoulders excitedly. “I haven’t seen her in ages.”

“Ash wanted to see her,” Luke chuckled, but his smile faded a second later as if he’d just remembered something unpleasant. “She’s bringing Crystal, though.”

“Oh…” I observed Luke, not knowing what to tell him. Personally, I didn’t have a problem with Crystal; if anything, I even liked her, but I knew Luke wasn’t really fond of her – he had once told me she made him feel insecure and he was afraid she would steal Michael from him.

Admittedly, Crystal was quite outgoing and didn’t keep her affection for the guitarist a secret, but I knew for a fact that Michael was never going to leave Luke for anyone.

“Don’t worry, Lukey,” I told Luke after a few moments of silence. “You’re gonna be okay. If you have a problem with her you should tell Mike or someone.”

Surprisingly, he nodded at me half-heartedly, agreeing to my suggestion.

“That’s what I’m gonna do, I guess. But not today – today is Ashton’s birthday and I don’t wanna ruin it by causing drama.”

“Of course not. But promise me you’ll speak up if you can’t take it anymore, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Fine, then.”

 

 

Later that day, I was exploring the city in my own, casually strolling through the streets and visiting a few shops. I didn’t have enough money to actually buy something, but I didn’t feel like shopping anyway.

Again, I was pondering on the news from yesterday. Technically, there was nothing wrong with Melissa being pregnant, but the information made me feel weird, as if there was something I should have noticed about it.

However, whenever I tried to grasp it my brain wouldn’t let me and I could literally feel the puzzle piece I was missing slip away from me – the situation seemed like a lost cause.

After a while, I bought a milkshake at a little shop around the corner and sat down on a bench, watching the pedestrians ambling through the streets.

Suddenly I heard my phone ring once and realized I hadn’t turned down the volume, pulling it out to do so right now.

However, when I looked at the screen and saw Mia had texted me, I decided to read her message first. We hadn’t talked to each other in a few days, so I was curious, wanting to find out what she had to say.

_“Hi Arzey,”_ I read her text to myself, _“how are you doing? Hope you’re enjoying tour – I heard Bry’s gonna show up soon. Anyway, the others are being really mean, they are partying while I’m stuck at home having period cramps. Being a girl fuckin’ sucks”_

I smiled at myself when I read the last sentence – I could perfectly relate to her, being a girl and being able to get pregnant did have a lot of disadvantages. Luckily, the last time I had been on my period the cramps hadn’t been that bad apparently, considering I didn’t exactly remember. It had to have been a while ago.

And that was when it hit me – I was about fourteen days late.

Now that I was thinking about it, I realized I hadn’t gotten my period for about 6 weeks.

Since if few days before I’d gone partying with Mia.

Or, since a few days before I’d had a one-night-stand with Jake.

I felt my blood go hot and cold at the same time as my hands, which were still clutching my phone tightly, grew shaky.

_Why am I late?,_ was the only thing I was able to think right now, yet this one sentence was completely filling my head, making beads of sweat start to form on my forehead. _Why the fuck am I late?_

_“You know, it was kind of an accident, too,”_ I heard Melissa’s voice replay in my head. _“We didn’t use condoms and my…my contraceptives didn’t work.”_

 

Jake and I hadn’t used condoms, either – I had told him I was safe.

But _what if I hadn’t been?_

_“The doctor said it happens sometimes when you put it somewhere hot or something.”_

Images were flashing in my mind, pictures of me opening the door for Mia and the small box of pills on the balcony.

I had forgotten them. They had been lying in the sun all day.

_They hadn’t worked…_

 

“Shit, shit, shit,” I cursed repeatedly, frantically trying to keep calm while my heartbeat was steadily increasing. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins, bound to my blood, as my ears were filled with the monotone hammering I knew so well.

“Shit, shit, I can’t be, please, I can’t be, I’m not…” I heard a voice mumble, but didn’t realize it was my own, raspy and breaking at the end of the last sentence as tears welled up in my eyes.

_Keep calm, Arz_ , I told myself, _you don’t know anything for sure. Maybe you’re just late._

It felt good to tell myself that, good to try to believe it for a second, but a part of me already knew everything made sense.

 

The _sickness_ in the morning. My _fits of hunger_ that usually only came when I was getting my period. The _dizziness_ I had experienced. The _lateness of my period_.

 

The pieces fit like a puzzle – a puzzle showing the frenetic expression on my face when I jumped up, not bothering to take the milkshake with me as I hastily scurried down the street, looking for a pharmacy somewhere.

Actually, finding one was quite easy, but it took me two minutes to calm myself down so that I was be able to go in there and ask for a pregnancy test without bursting into tears. My palms were sweaty when I walked through the door, timidly staying in the corner of the room as soon as I had noticed there were other customers here.

I couldn’t just walk to the counter and ask for a test, could I? What if someone recognized me, what if Luke’s fans found out I was pregnant?

_You’re not pregnant, Arz!_ , I told myself. _Or at least you don’t know yet. And you’re not pregnant from Luke! They can’t do any harm to you!_

But they didn’t know. They didn’t know I had never had sex with him, _my boyfriend_ , because he was too far gone for the boy with colored hair. They didn’t know I had slept with so many guys that weren’t Luke after getting wasted.

They didn’t know _anything_ at all – and I couldn’t tell them.

“Are you okay, love?” The unexpected sound of a smooth voice harshly interrupted my thoughts and my head snapped up immediately as I looked around, almost anxious someone knew what was up.

“I am here, behind the counter,” the unfamiliar voice told me and now that I was facing the desk I could see the middle-aged lady standing behind it, smiling at me. I let out a sigh of relief when realizing the other people had all left the shop and we were alone.

“Uh…yeah, I guess,” I timidly replied, shocked at how tiny and insecure I sounded. I had gotten so used to being the confident, sassy girl I was that I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be small, vulnerable.

“So, can I help you with anything? Do you need advice? You look a little pale, my dear,” the lady told me and I sent her a small smile, appreciating her politeness.

“Uhm…” I started, my eyes staring at the floor again, “I need, uh, I need…”

_…a pregnancy test_ , my mind finished the sentence for me; however, I just couldn’t form actual words. Just the idea of using a test seemed unreal, even though I knew I needed to do it as soon as possible.

“What did you say?” the woman asked kindly. “I can’t hear you very well, love.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I answered truthfully. “I just…I kinda need… Ineedapregnancytest!” The last few words were so rushed out that I was positive the woman hadn’t properly understood me, but surprisingly she seemed to have heard correctly, eyeing me with an unreadable expression.

“Oh, I get it. I’ll get you one, alright?”

“Actually, I think…2 would be better. Or 5. Or 10. I just need to be sure!”

“Of course, dear, hold on for a second, please.”

The lady turned around and disappeared in the backroom as I stood awkwardly in the middle of the shop, listening to her rummaging around. A few seconds later she emerged from the backroom, holding a few boxes.

“Come here, sweetie, I need to give them to you,” she said and I did as told, approaching the table and picking up the tests.

The mere sight of the sticks, which looked so familiar from all the commercials I’d watched yet so foreign in real life, made me tear up a little and I could feel my pulse picking up on speed again.

“Thanks,” I managed to choke out past the lump that had formed in my throat, grabbing the boxes. “How much are these?”

While the lady announced a sum I was fiddling with my purse, trying to grab the right amount of dollar notes with my shaky hands.

“H-here you go,” I told the woman as soon as I’d gotten the money. “How accurate are these?”

“They are pretty accurate, I think,” she answered while collecting my change before handing it to me. “Do you need any help? You’re not alone, I promise.”

“Thanks. I-I know.” I smiled at her again, grateful at how kind she was being.

“Well, I hope you have a nice afternoon, sweetie,” she told me when I exited the shop, waving at me – however, I couldn’t bring myself to look back.

 

 

On my way home, I could hardly hold back the tears. The boxes in my bag each seemed to weigh 100 pounds and their weight became more and more unbearable for me, the more seconds passed.

I should probably freak out now, but for some reason my brain had decided to shut down.

My head was empty and when I tried to pay for a bus ticket I could hardly concentrate on what I was doing. My hands were still shaking when I finally got to the hotel and unlocked the door of my room with my keycard.

Originally, I had found not sharing a room with Melissa boring, but right now I was immensely grateful for the privacy I had. I placed the boxes on my nightstand as soon as I got there and sat down on my bed afterwards, taking a few deep breaths.

Now was the time – now I was going to find out if the feeling in my gut had been right earlier, _if I was actually pregnant_.

Part of me still hoped I wasn’t, but honestly, I didn’t really expect the test to be negative anymore. They had to be positive – why else would I be feeling like they wouldn’t be right now?

For a few minutes I just stayed on the mattress, trying to bring myself to take the test and do something.

When I had finally collected enough courage to do anything, I grabbed my phone with trembling hands, messaging Luke to come over as soon as he could. I knew I’d need him later, no matter how the test turned out.

My heartbeat was a steady rhythm filling my ears by the time I hit the Send-button and I swallowed hard afterwards, looking around before my gaze rested on the boxes again. It felt weird to know I was a mere minute away from taking the first one – I’d always known the day when I needed one was going to come, but I’d never expected it to be like this.

_You’re 21, Arz_ , I told myself in order to calm down a little. _You can provide a child._

However, the last thought made me freak out even more, because in reality, I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t afford providing a baby; I couldn’t even afford providing myself at times, even!

I had been living off Luke for the past months – it was sad, but unfortunately very true. I didn’t have anything. No job, no education, no money.

The walk to the bathroom seemed like a funeral march to me. I had only attended a similar procession once a few years ago, after my grandfather had died, but even then I was sure the weight of my own body hadn’t felt as unbearable as right now.

Step after step, I made my way into the fateful room, my hands tightly clutching one of the boxes I had bought.

I had to read the instructions thrice before I was able to take the test because my eyes wouldn’t focus on the words in front of me while my thoughts where whirling around behind my forehead.

Physically taking the test was actually the easiest part of the procedure, even though it was a little awkward. I made sure to wash my hands very thoroughly afterwards, maybe because I was a hygienic person or maybe because I just couldn’t stand the wait.

The instructions said the test results would be showing after approximately 5 minutes and I forced myself to avoid looking at the stick the whole time, not wanting to jump to conclusions.

Finally, after an eternity of 300 seconds, the alarm of my phone went off and I knew it was time.

I slowly made my way towards the nightstand where I’d placed the test after taking it, feeling my knees get wobblier and wobblier with every stop.

_It’s gonna be negative,_ I tried to tell myself _, you’re not pregnant_ , but at the same time a voice was screaming inside my head, telling me the results were positive anyway.

One last step left.

I could feel my heart race inside my chest and my stomach convulsing, almost sending my lunch up my throat again as I slowly picked up the test, looking at it with a frown.

And there it was, the pale purple line I had already expected.

_Positive._

I didn’t break down when I got the result and I didn’t cry. There were no tears spilling down my cheeks and soaking my shirt. My knees didn’t give in. I didn’t run.

I threw up.

At the sight of the positive test my body couldn’t take it anymore and before I knew it I was in the bathroom, bending over the toilet bowl while spitting up everything I’d eaten for lunch.

My cheeks were burning as I retched and I could feel my head spinning, but the only thing I was able to think was: _I’m not alone. There’s someone inside me._

I sat back as soon as I felt like I was done, trying to catch my breath while drawing little circles on my sloshy stomach. I could feel my own racing heartbeat through my skin, indicating I was alive and well, even if I didn’t feel like I was.

However, I just kept feeling for a second thumping, just to be sure it was real, just to be sure the test hadn’t lied and something was _there_.

I should have known the baby’s heartbeat wasn’t strong enough to be felt yet, but part of me just hoped I’d receive _any_ sign of the human growing inside of me.

After a few moments of failing to feel anything, I gave up.

With widened eyes, I sat on the bathroom floor as I tried to grasp this whole situation.

There was a little child growing inside me.

I was pregnant.

I, the girl who was called a slut on a daily basis, the one living off her gay _boyfriend_ , was going to be a mum to a little baby.

The realization that I was going to be a mother was overwhelming, honestly, but not in a good way.

It felt like everything was so _big_ , so _vast_ suddenly, and I was so _small_ , cowering on the floor with my hands protectively placed on my tummy.

So much responsibility, so many new duties.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to grow up enough to be able to provide a child yet.

I was supposed to enjoy my life while I was young, and not to worry about feeding a – my – little baby at home. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to master this challenge in my current state.

Nonetheless, the thought of having an abortion didn’t cross my mind once, I realized later.

Because deep down, I knew that I had caused this problem and that I now had to sort it out myself – whether I wanted to or not.

I wouldn’t make an unborn baby pay for my mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some drama ^^  
> Shit's gonna go down in the next few chapter, just saying (and we'll get some more Muke, finally)
> 
> Feedback is appreciated (as always).
> 
> See you, Luna


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's start 2017 with angst and drama!
> 
> Chapter 8, here you go. Shit's gonna go down.

**_Luke  
_ **

****

„So guys, you are on your American leg of your world tour right now, obviously – how have you experienced the past show? Are there any differences between European and American fans?”

I inwardly groaned as I listened to another question I’d heard a thousand times already asked by the interviewer sitting opposite me and my bandmates. We were all squished together on a fairly couch that was definitely too small for four guys of over 6 ft. For the past 30 minutes we’d been answering mostly pointless questions for an American magazine I’d forgotten the name of.

“The past few shows were incredible,” Ashton luckily replied.

I had noticed the drummer was in a particularly good mood today, which was only normal, though, considering he was turning 22 and his “friend” Bryana had joined us on tour.

“We haven’t played that many in Northern America so far,” the curly-haired lad went on as I eyed him, “so we can’t really tell if there’s a huge difference. However, Cologne has been the loudest show so far, so I guess European fans have been a little more vocal.

“However, we love every show we’re playing. Of course there are some days when you’re in a better mood or sometimes you screw up a song, but the fans are always incredible. That’s why we all like meeting them so much.”

“So, you’ve been out in the city and taken pictures with your fans,” the interviewer explained, but I soon lost interest in listening as I suddenly felt Michael’s hand brush against my shoulder.

Calum had been placed between us, but my boyfriend had thrown his arm over the back rest so that he was able to tease me with occasional touches. Right now, I’d give everything to be able to slap him and take revenge for his mocking, but I knew I couldn’t do anything but sit through the interview.

“Well, especially you Luke were seen outside a lot, I believe you were with your girlfriend, Arzaylea?”

“Arzaylea?” I replied awkwardly as I felt my heart start to beat faster. This was the first time I’d officially been asked about my “ _relationship_ ” with her in an interview.

“Yeah, you know, the girl who you kissed a few days ago in public,” the interviewer joked and I laughed along with my band, secretly wishing I was as good at acting as Michael.

“Yeah, Arz,” I said then. “We’ve been exploring the cities together. She visited me in Europe already, but she told me she hasn’t been to many of US states before, so I figured it’d be nice to take her with me. We definitely had a lot of fun together so far.”

“Definitely.” Michael’s sassy comment was barely audible and mostly sounded honest, however, I could hear a slight note of sarcasm in his voice.

“So, is she going to join you for the shows in Australia as well?” I shrugged, not knowing what I’d told Arz. “I don’t know, honestly. We’ll see, I guess.”

“Okay, last question, boys!” the interviewer announced and I almost sighed in relief. I was so tired of this, especially as the man asking us questions was definitely not funny in any way. “Are you planning on releasing new music soon? Obviously, your song “Girls Talk Boys” is going to be released in a few days – but are you already working on album number 3?”

Fortunately, Ashton took over the question again, being the nice person he was. The last two minutes of the interview went by surprisingly fast and before I knew it I found myself in the bathroom of the building, pressed against the cold tiles of the wall.

“That guy was a pain in the ass, wasn’t he?” Michael breathed into my ear, sending shivers down my spine as I melted into his arms, letting him fully support my weight.

“Yeah, he was,” I agreed, my lips barely an inch away from his collarbone.

“Thank god this was the last interview for today,” my boyfriend said, hissing when I pressed a kiss to his neck. “Ah, right there, Luke, right there.”

“You’re sensitive,” I mumbled against his skin, making sure he could feel my breath as my mouth formed the words.

“Yeah, I know,” Michael apologised. “Ya know, we just didn’t have much action lately, did we?”

“Oh…” Within a second, my mood changed from horny to upset as I pulled away, my gaze meeting the floor beneath my feet. “Yeah…”

Technically, Michael was right – it had been more than two weeks since the last time we’d had sex. And it was my fault. I just hadn’t been in the mood for it lately, and the fact that I’d gained some weight over the past weeks although I threw up often didn’t help it either.

The fact that I just couldn’t make myself any smaller than I was made me feel upset, down even.

What if Michael didn’t like sleeping with me anymore because I’d got so big? Since the day the fans had pointed it out on Twitter, I couldn’t help noticing that he looked half my size in every picture we took.

Honestly, I couldn’t even blame him if he didn’t like me anymore. If I were him, I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who was taller than me and still had baby fat on their hips after 19 years.

I knew I should try harder to be more perfect, but right now I felt like everything was too much. Michael obviously wanted me to do something to him again and I couldn’t refuse it although I didn’t want him to see me until I’d find a way to appear smaller again.

“Luke? Lukey? Hello, you still with me?” My head snapped up the moment I realised Michael was waving his hand around in front of my face, trying to get my attention. “What’s the matter, baby?”

“I…uh…I,” I stuttered, desperately trying not to give away my thoughts. I was honestly disgusted at how superficial I was being, worrying about my appearance when I was dating a guy who had to deal with serious depression.

There was absolutely no reason for me to be upset – I had to brush it off and face the real problems, which, of course, weren’t mine.

“Are you okay?” Michael asked, worry evident in his voice. “If you feel uncomfortable in any way then talk to me, please. Did I do any-“

“It’s fine, Mike,” I cut him off. “I’m okay. I just got a little lost. You didn’t do anything.”

“Thank god, I was worried for a moment, baby,” the blonde boy chuckled, placing a peck on my cheek. “How about we join the others again? I’m sure Ashton is missing us a lot and Calum, too – and we still need to buy some things for tomorrow night, don’t we?”

“Yeah,” I said and frowned slightly. “Is Crystal at the hotel already?”

“I guess so, she texted me thirty minutes ago, saying she needed to rest. Jetlag and stuff, you know.”

Michael smiled at me, obviously happy that one of his closest friends had come to join us for a bit.

However, I myself wasn’t so happy about Crystal being there. Something about her always made me feel insecure, as if I wasn’t quite good enough for Michael, and I was already having a hard time fighting all the superficial thoughts, I really couldn’t be bothered to deal with another problem.

_Those things aren’t problems_ , a little voice reminded me from the back of my mind. _You’re just focusing on the wrong things, Luke. The only thing that matters is your character. And your superficialness is just disgusting._

I flinched a little at the harsh words, especially as I know they were true. But sometimes the truth hurt more than lies…

“Actually, can you and the others buy the supplies on your own?” I asked Michael. “I kinda wanna go back to the hotel, I’m still pretty tired from this morning and Arz texted me earlier. Apparently, she needs to see me as soon as possible.”

“You should go then,” my boyfriend agreed, taking my hand between his little fingers and caressing it gently. “We’ll be done in about an hour, I think. And I’m sorry that you’re still being sick every morning.”

“I’ll call a cab,” I told Michael, ignoring his last remark. “See you later?”

“See you later,” he replied with a smile before placing a sweet kiss on my lips. “Bye, Lukey.”

 

 

When I got to the hotel it was surprisingly already 8:00 pm. I hadn’t thought getting there was going to take this long, but the taxi I’d called had been stuck in the traffic for a while so obviously more time had passed by.

On my way to the hotel I’d messaged Arzaylea, telling her I was arriving soon, but she hadn’t read or answered my text so far. Honestly, she was worrying me a little. She had sounded fairly desperate in her last message, as if she needed my help.

I just really hoped she was okay as I got out of the car, paying the driver and hurrying inside the hotel afterwards. Heading towards my friend’s room, I passed a few people I knew, yet I didn’t stop to talk to them.

I was a bit out of breath when I finally arrived at Arz’ door, knocking my fist against the wood.

“Arz?” I asked when I didn’t get an answer. “Can you open the door, please? Arz? Arzaylea?”

With every passing minute I got more anxious, my heart pounding faster and faster in my chest as I was awaiting her reply.

What if something had happened to her? What if she had been kidnapped? What if some crazy fans had broken into her room and done something horrible to her?

I already imagined her body lifelessly lying on the floor, covered in blood, a bullet burrowed deeply in her chest and tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to calm myself down, knocking again with more might.

The anxiety I was experiencing made me feel sick and I wasn’t sure if I could contain myself if she didn’t answer the door soon. So when I finally heard footsteps my heart leapt in my chest and a big smile appeared on my face as I tapped my foot on the floor impatiently, waiting for Arzaylea to open the door.

Already glad that she hadn’t been murdered, I didn’t expect anything too bad, but I surely wasn’t prepared the sight I was met with when the door swung open eventually.

There she stood, in the frame, the person I’d asked to be my fake-girlfriend, the one who had taught me how to be sassy and a little more confident even.

But what did she look like?

I’d never ever seen her in a condition as bad as this one. Her eyes were red-rimmed and glossy and she looked like she was about ready to collapse, her usually tan face being paler than the walls surrounding her.

The dark bags under her eyes were more evident than ever and her bottom lip started to wobble as soon as she saw me.

“Arz,” I breathed out, aghast to be met with this sight. “Arz, are you ok-“

“L-Luke,” she stuttered and I immediately shut my mouth, anxiously awaiting her next words. “L-Lukeee…”

The next moment she threw herself at me, wrapping her arms around me as she buried her face in my chest and cried, cried as if there was no tomorrow.

“Luke,” she kept repeating, “Luke,” but she never got out more than my name. Nonetheless, I held her, still confounded because of her reaction – from the all the things I had imagined, I could have never guessed this was going to happen.

Honestly, I’d never expected a day to come when I, introvert and awkward, the cry baby Luke Hemmings had to hold Arzaylea, the most confident person I’d ever known. She had always been like a role-model to me and now she was lying in my arms, crying her heart out at my chest.

“Shhh,” I awkwardly soothed, “shhh, it’s okay, Arz. Whatever happened, it’s okay. Let’s g-“ “No, it’s not!” she wailed, her words coming out muffled by my shirt. “It’s not okay. It won’t be.”

“Yes, it will,” I reassured her, hoping I was saying the right thing. “Let’s get you inside, love.”

It felt very weird to take care of another person that wasn’t Michael – I would hold him when he cried and I tried to fight his demons when he couldn’t. I cooked him soup when he was physically sick and made sure he always had a blanket or a bucket nearby.

However, I couldn’t think of any person I had ever taken care of that wasn’t part of my band – and even then, ever since I was a little child I tended to hang out with older people, which resulted in me being babied a lot.

And maybe that was the reason I felt very awkward while holding Arzaylea, trying to calm her down as the sobs were wracking her body. It took me a minute to successfully get her to go inside the room again and close the door behind us two, making sure that no one could see what was happening in here right now.

Honestly, I didn’t want to imagine the amount of headlines and articles online if anyone else witnessed this scene.

Arzaylea was a wreck.

She didn’t stop crying for a second as I sat down with her, pulling her into my arms and holding her tight on my lap, if anything her sobs just became louder. She’d never seemed small to me before, even though her head barely reached my shoulders, but right now she looked so fragile in my arms that I could feel my heart break.

Whatever had caused this condition, it had to be something really bad.

“Arz, you really need to calm down,” I gently told her after a few minutes, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I don’t- Crying won’t make anything better. I need to know what happened.”

“N-no,” she sobbed out, burying her face in my chest as she held on to me. “Don’t m-make m-me…”

“Shhh, it’s okay, I promise. I’m not going to leave,” I softly soothed, running my fingers through her hair.

However, at this moment I didn’t know my words would turn into a lie soon…

“Cry for as long as you need to,” I advised Arzaylea, changing my mind. “You can tell me whenever you’re ready.”

Seconds, minutes, maybe even an hour passed by and I was still holding her and she was still crying.

After what seemed like an eternity to me, her wails finally started to reduce a little and she wasn’t sobbing as hard anymore, only whimpering quietly. I was wondering if she was in physical pain maybe and that was why she couldn’t contain herself, but her behaviour seemed to indicate something else.

“I’m gonna get you a package of tissues and something to drink,” I decided once I was sure Arzaylea was a little better than before. “Can you let me get up?”

“Uh-huh,” she nodded, leaving my lap and allowing me to stand up and head towards the bathroom as she curled into herself on the bed.

She was in a little ball when I returned with a glass of water and a towel, but luckily I didn’t hear crying anymore and realised she had stopped weeping.

“Have a drink, hmh?” I told her as I went to rub her back soothingly.

“Thanks.”

She sat up more quickly than I had expected and reached for the jar, downing the liquid in it within seconds. Afterwards, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, looking at me with big, dark eyes.

Her mascara was smeared all over her face and the crying had ruined her foundation as well, but I didn’t dare say anything when I handed her the towel, letting her dry her face.

“You good?” I asked once she was done.

“What does it look like to you?” she replied sarcastically and I was astonished at how quickly she had changed from the vulnerable girl I had just met for the first time to her usual sassy self. “I mean, I’ve been weeping for hours.”

“Yeah, you have,” I confirmed. “Are you okay now? Or at least better.”

“Oh Luke…” She shook her head, inspecting her nail polish as she played with her own fingers. “I wish it was that easy. Okay? I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be able to call myself that again. Depends on quite a few things. But you don’t understand…”

“Then why don’t you explain it to me?” I asked. “You haven’t told me anything yet. I literally walked in on you bawling your eyes out and now you tell me I don’t understand – you didn’t even say anything!”

“Hey, don’t get offended! I’m not mad.”

“I didn’t think you were. I’m just a little…confused by this…” I trailed off, occupied with my own thoughts. The whole situation didn’t make any sense to me.

Why had Arzaylea been crying? And what did the weird things she had just told me mean?

I didn’t understand…

“I’m basically stranded,” Arzaylea suddenly stated and I listened up, eager to find out more. “I don’t have anything,” she went on, “no money, no job, no place to stay at…”

“But you didn’t have all of those things yesterday. Why do they matter suddenly? You said you wanted to take it easy for a while.”

“Yeah, I did, Luke, believe me I did,” she confirmed. “But I’m not alone anymore. And I can’t keep living off you. I’m not that bad.”

“What are you talking about?” I looked at her with wide eyes, trying to figure out what she was trying to tell me.

Why had she changed her mind so suddenly?

“Well, okay, this is gonna be interesting,” Arzaylea said, however, I felt like she was talking to herself instead of me. “Remember that day we went out to buy lip-gloss in LA together?” “Yeah, sure. Why would I forget?”

“I went to a club that night to party with my friends.”

“I know, we got an outfit together.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter.”

Arzaylea sighed deeply and took my hands, squeezing them a little as she looked me straight in the eye.

“I slept with a friend of mine, Jake,” she confessed, a bit of regret showing in her gaze. “Looks like my contraceptives didn’t work – apparently, I’m pregnant.”

_Pregnant. Pregnant – carrying a child. Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant._

Her words bored their way into my mind like a bullet, never leaving me as I tried to process everything that was going on.

_She was pregnant._

“Wh-what?” I could hear myself stutter, but my voice sounded like it was at the other end of a long tunnel, the words echoing with the walls of my skull as I tried to keep my fingers from shaking.

_Pregnant. She was pregnant. Pregnant._

My mind repeated the thought over and over like some kind of sick mantra I wasn’t able to get rid of while I somehow managed to understand what Arzaylea was telling me.

“I thought I was safe, we didn’t use condoms, boom. A child was created.”

_They hadn’t used condoms. Pregnant. Boom. Pregnant. A child had been created. Pregnant. No condoms._

“I only found out today, but when I thought of it kind of _hit me_ – I just knew it was the answer to my questions.”

_It had just_ hit her _– hadn’t it_ hit me _a few seconds ago, too?_

“I finally recognised my symptoms – as you may have guessed, that’s the reason I’ve been throwing up and having dizzy spells. Why I ate weird food…”

_She had been throwing up – I had been, too. She had got dizzy a few times – hadn’t that just happened to me this morning? She had been eating weird food – hadn’t I done that as well?_

My vision blurred as I a desperately tried not to lose the connection to the real world, however, to no avail. I couldn’t even tell the difference between Arzaylea’s words and the voice in my head anymore, I didn’t know if I was awake or dreaming.

_Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant._

The sound rose in my head, becoming a song, an anthem uniting the voices while they filled my head, leaving no space for any other thoughts.

_No condoms. No condoms. No condoms._

I wanted to scream and shout as I tried to understand why Arzaylea was getting up from the bed and heading to the bathroom, but I couldn’t figure out what she was saying because the only thing I heard was the chorus in my head.

Then I spotted the boxes on Arzaylea’s nightstand. She must have bought multiple tests, afraid that the results wouldn’t turn out valid. After taking one or two, she had left them here, _for me_ , she had left them to be sure, _but I could easily take them._

I wasn’t in control of my own body anymore when I felt myself get up as well and hurry towards the nightstand, grabbing two or three tests and frantically leaving the room. Part of me wanted to stay because I knew I was breaking my promise, but the urge to go was to strong.

I didn’t realise tears had started flowing down my face on my way to my room until I slumped down on the bed, searching for my phone with trembling hands.

_Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant,_ the voices still chanted, repeating the mantra over and over again as I opened Google once I had got my mobile, nervously typing the two words I needed.

“Is male pregnancy real?”

The search results loaded within a few seconds and my eyes widened at the headlines as my heart raced faster and faster in my chest until I felt like it was tightening, making it unable to breathe.

“Sensation! Guy gives birth to a baby boy through C-section!”

_Pregnant, no condoms, pregnant, no condoms._

“Can males give birth? Female vs. male pregnancy – the ultimate comparison.”

_What if I took a test? Would it be positive, too?_

“Scientists prove the unbelievable – men can get pregnant.”

I was done.

I felt like I was being torn in to when I jumped up, tossing my phone aside and grabbing the box with the first test, ripping it open violently. One moment I scurried to the bathroom to take the test and the next I tugged at my own hair, throwing away the stick.

_For god’s sake, I was a male! I wasn’t supposed to be taking a pregnancy test! I wasn’t supposed to even consider the possibility of being pregnant! Was I going crazy? What if this didn’t stop?_

“No, no, no,” I panted heavily, holding on to the sink for support as I stood bent over, scratching my own arms just to feel something, to now this hell was reality. The room seemed to be closing up and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t stop.

“No, stop!” I cried again. “Please, stop.”

I didn’t know who my pleading was directed at, and neither did I care – I just couldn’t do this anymore.

However, I took the test a second time and this time I didn’t change my mind and throw it away.

My whole body was shaking as I waited anxiously, still torn in two.

That was when I remembered the time Calum had told me about his experience of smoking weed.

“At first it’s great,” he had said, “everything is funny and bright and you feel weird, but in a good way. You don’t worry anymore. But, you know, then heaven slowly turns into hell. You start to see shadows and her whispers, unfamiliar voices asking for you, and you turn around, but nobody is there.

“You think you just imagined it, but then you hear it again, you feel their fingertips on your skin as they make shivers run down your spine. You know they’re behind you, watching every step you take, but you can’t catch them.

“Everyone else doesn’t seem to notice or ignores it, but you just can’t because your skin is slowly starting to burn and your insides are squirming. The panic grows stronger and stronger, you just want it to stop, but there is no way you can control yourself anymore. You just wish for it to end.

“However, when it actually does depression takes over. You realise what just happened and what you did and just want to cry in the corner while you slowly die.”

Now I finally understood what he’d meant when he’d told me he’d heard them because I could hear them, too, shouting things into my ears even though they were just in my head. I couldn’t stop myself from trembling, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, I couldn’t control my limbs anymore as I walked over to the toilet, picking up the stick from the lid.

My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly see the pale line that had appeared at some point during the past few minutes, but I knew it was there anyway. Nonetheless, I started crying harder, bawling my eyes out as I tried to hide the test somewhere.

It couldn’t be positive. I was a male. It couldn’t be positive.

Thoughts were spinning behind my forehead, making it hurt while I staggered back to my bed and slumped down on it, not caring about the tears anymore. I just let them flow, letting go of the voices that had tormented me.

When I was younger my teacher had told me only women could get pregnant. I had never heard of a male carrying or giving birth to a child. So why was my test positive?

_Pregnant._

There the word was again, but this time I was the one controlling my thoughts, trying to find terms I naturally associated with pregnancy.

_Morning sickness. Being hormonal. Weird food cravings. Weight gain._

I could already picture myself in front of the mirror, watching my stomach grow bigger and bigger until it was a balloon. They would call me fat. They would call me too big. In my eyes I already was.

However, now I at least had a reason to cry and didn’t have to hate myself for being so disgustingly superficial anymore.

I just cried, for minutes, even hours, my sobs muffled by the blanket underneath me as I got snot all over the fabric. I wept until I didn’t know why I was doing it anymore and my eyes felt like they were going to fall out.

At some point I heard the door open, but I couldn’t be bothered to stop with what I was doing. My body was still shaking, curled into a little ball when I heard Michael’s cheery voice call my name.

What was he going to say if I told him? I couldn’t handle him leaving, I just couldn’t.

“Luke?” my boyfriend called again and this time he sounded more concerned, even a little frantic. “Luke!”

Within a second he was by my side, placing a hand on my shaking back, pulling me close to his chest.

“No,” I cried out, trying to get away from him. Knowing how disappointed he was going to be hurt like hell and again I was sure I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t take all of this any longer. Michael’s voice was next to my ear, shouting incoherent things but I couldn’t make out any words as I struggled to wriggle out of his grip and get up.

“Stop, stop, stop.”

As the desperate, hoarse words left my moth, I kept thrashing around, wanting Michael to back off. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t care about the failure I was.

Finally, I managed to escape my boyfriend’s arms and place my foot on the floor, but as soon as I stood up the world tilted around me and before I knew it I was on the ground, clutching my spinning head with my hands.

Michael yelled again and I could feel him lift up my head and place it on his knees, but this time I didn’t put up a fight anymore, closing my eyes. The idea of slipping away into the darkness was so tempting…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, here I am, updating on 2017.
> 
> Tbh I wanted get this over with before midnight, but (since I watched two episodes of Free!, don't judge) I didn't succeed. I guess it doesn't matter anyways.
> 
> Well, I hope 2017 will be an amazing year for all of you, better than 2016, better than anything. I hope it's going to be a peaceful year, because peace is the most important thing.
> 
> I'm gonna try to keep entertaining you with my fics - feedback is always welcome.
> 
> Otherwise, good night and happy new year!
> 
> Luna


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wonders what google will think of me bc i'm looking up hospitals in a town on the other side of the world*

_**Michael** _

 

„It’s been like two months since we last partied together,“ I stated while I loaded the supplies we had bought into the van.

“Yeah, you’re never there when we’re on break,” Calum told me. The Kiwi boy was casually leaning against the car as he watched Ashton and I do all the work.

“May I remind you that I am there, I’m just not with you,” I corrected his statement. “And by the way, I’d appreciate it if you helped us – I really don’t wanna end up looking like Ashton with his big ass muscles.”

“Hey, what do you mean?” the curly-haired drummer immediately stepped in. “At least I’m a man.”

“Oh, yes you are, Irwin,” I smirked at him, shaking my head at his behaviour. “I thought you would have grown out of banters like this one, though.”

“Nonetheless, I am legal everywhere and have been for a whole year while you’re technically still not allowed to consume alcohol when we’re in the US.”

“True, bro, we’re all illegal and you’re old,” Calum teased Ashton, who just sniggered at his comment.

“Yeah, mate, I know, I feel it in my bones already.”

I turned away as soon as I realized my two bandmates were starting their ‘bro-banter’ again, as I liked to call it. Those conversations basically consisted of them being idiots and calling each other ‘mate’ and ‘bro’ a lot.

Having spent quite some time on Tumblr, I knew they’d make a good couple in a fanfiction in a different way than Luke and I would.

However, I wasn’t really interested in listening right now so I silently finished loading in the boxes and climbed into the car afterwards, choosing the passenger seat.

“No, you idiot, that’s my spot,” I could hear Calum’s cry from behind, but I just ignored him and turned up the radio, contentedly nodding along to the new Blink-182 song ‘Bored To Death’. Ashton soon got in as well and started to drive, keeping up his banter with Calum as I thought of Luke.

It was crazy to think about how I was already missing him, even though we’d been apart for merely two hours. But I just couldn’t help longing for his familiar scent, his soft hair and his smooth skin which had become as white as mine since we mostly stayed inside together.

He surely was at the hotel already, most likely spending some time with Arzaylea. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the girl at all, if anything I mostly found her really nice and entertaining, however, my jealousy got into the way of our relationship sometimes.

I just couldn’t turn off the sting of possessiveness in my chest whenever I saw the photographs of her kissing my boyfriend, them holding hands. Sometimes I really wished he wasn’t, nom _we_ weren’t as scared of what people would say, but I understood we had to do this for our relationship.

Trying to get Luke to come out would be a completely egoistic movement anyway – after all he just did this for our sakes.

 

 

When Calum, Ashton and I arrived at the hotel at around 22:00 pm and once again, I was glad that my curly-haired bandmate had decided to celebrate his 22nd birthday tomorrow after the show, knowing we wouldn’t have much time today anyway.

To be honest, I didn’t feel like partying at all right now and just wanted to enjoy a nice dinner with Luke and maybe take a shower or a bath with him afterwards – it had been so long since we’d last been that intimate with each other.

“Ugh, I’m starving!” Calum stated as soon as we reached the floor where our rooms were situated. “I feel like I haven’t eaten in days, no, weeks!”

“You can come with me and we can order something,” Ashton suggested. “By the way, are we rooming together again? I’m kinda lonely.”

“Sure!” Calum smiled excitedly and I smirked at his eagerness before deciding to mock Ashton a little.

“Oh, so you’re going for Cal tonight? Honestly, I expected Bryana to give you your _birthday present_.”

My eyebrows went up at the last sentence and I cackled when Ashton tried to punch my arm, quickly hopping aside and making the 22-year-old guy scowl at me angrily.

“Yes, I want to spend time with my _best friend_ tonight,” he defended himself. “And just so you know – Bryana is dating someone.”

“Sure,” I smirked. “Enjoy your meal.”

Then I walked faster, leaving my two bandmates standing in front of Ashton’s room. The suite Luke and I were sharing at the moment was at the very end of the corridor right next to the big balcony.

Technically, anyone could come and watch us do stuff, but we both made sure to keep our curtains closed so that nobody could leaks pictures of us.

“Luke?” I called as I unlocked the door with my keycard. “Lukey, I’m back.”

As always, I had quite some difficulties with the codes, but in the end I managed to open the door and enter the room, looking around as my eyes slowly adjusted to the strangely gloomy lighting.

Frowning, I looked around in search for my boyfriend when suddenly a quiet, muffled whimper rang out to me, causing my body to tense up immediately.

“Luke?” I called again, concern evident in my voice.

At this point, I just knew something was wrong, something had happened while I had been gone.

But why wasn’t Luke answering? Was he hurt? Maybe even dying?

Just when I was about to open my mouth and call out for him for the third time, the whimpering noise erupted again and this time, I could tell it was coming from the bed across the room. My eyes narrowed as I desperately tried to make out Luke’s silhouette, my heart pounding in my ears.

And then I spotted him, lying on the bed in a little ball or rather a heap, his body shaking as he buried his face deeper in the blanket underneath him.

“Luke!” I exclaimed, rushing towards him and practically throwing myself at the bed, already engulfing him in a tight hug.

He was trembling all over as I held him, feeling my skin and shirt being stained by tears and snot, yet I didn’t care.

“Lukey, Lukey boy, Lukey,” I repeated his name over and over as I frantically stroked his head, trying to get him to calm down.

What had happened? What if he had been abused or traumatised by something?

I needed to find out what had occurred to him, I needed to help him immediately!

“No!”

His hoarse cry almost startled me to death and I twitched but held on to him, trying to keep him close when he started trashing around, working against me.

“It’s okay, Lukey, it’s okay, calm down, baby, please calm down.” My voice came out quivering, broken, desperate to soothe him a little. I was sure I had never been more worried about Luke before, not a single time.

Of course he had been sad or sick sometimes, but I’d never seen him cry like this, he’d never tried to get away from me before like right now. Every time he kicked his legs I felt my heart shatter a little more until I was sure it was lying on the ground in pieces yet still beating.

“Luke, please, you need to stop trashing around, baby! Just…” I couldn’t finish my sentence and my voice broke as tears welled up in my eyes.

Not knowing what had happened to Luke was killing me and I could feel panic rise up inside me as I frantically tried to figure out what was going on.

I was absolutely _desperate_ to learn about what had happened, but the fact that none of this made _any_ sense physically weakened me to the point where Luke easily moved out of my grip, crawling to the edge of the bed as if he was running away.

“No, stay,” I pleaded as I reached out for him in an attempt to grab his t-shirt, but I wasn’t fast enough and he escaped, already placing his feet on the ground.

However, as soon as he tried to stand up there was a loud thump and I could see him fall to the ground like a marionette whose strings had been cut by a knife, body going completely limp as he collapsed and cried out.

“Luke!”

His name broke out of me with such brute force I hadn’t intended to use as I dropped to the floor beside him, pulling him into my chest again. Even though the room was poorly illuminated, I could make out every feature of his face, every single line, the shadow of his beard and the red veins winding their way through the white part of his eyes.

His gaze was fixated on my face, but I could tell from the glossiness of his eyes that he wasn’t actually looking at me. His lids were already drooping when I finally came out of rigidity and realised what was going on, starting to shake his shoulders.

“No, no, no, Luke, you can’t close your eyes, you’re okay, please! You need to stay with m-me!”

“N-no,” he breathed out, his sigh almost inaudible but loud enough for me to hear as I began to cradle him like a baby.

“Shhh, you’re okay, _baby_ ,” I soothed, but his words only caused him to sob harder and jump in my arms.

“It’s spinning! Why is it spinning?” he cried out, absolutely distressed, and his voice sounded completely destroyed by now. “Please, make it stop, Mikey, make it stop!”

I could feel myself start to panic at his words, but I knew I had to keep calm for him, for myself, so I shakily reached for the nightstand and turned on the light.

Now I could at least see his face properly and not only the wetly shimmering stains of tears on his cheeks. However, I was horror-struck when I fully observed the damage he had done to himself, realising he must have been in this state for a long time.

Again he cried out and I pulled him closer, anxiously asking, “can you tell me what happened, Lukey? Does anything hurt? Please, just talk to me!”

“D-dizzy,” he whimpered pitifully against my chest. “It’s all spinning. I don’t want it to spin. Do something, Mikey!”

“I-“ I started, but got disrupted harshly by my boyfriend: “S-sick.”

“Fuck!” I cursed, getting up and lifting him with me as careful as I could before carrying him into the bathroom.

“If you need to throw up then go for it, Lukey boy,” I gently told him, placing a kiss on his cheek and getting up from the floor.

“N-no! Don’t go,” he cried for me, but I ignored him and sprinted back to the main suite where I picked up my phone and hastily dialled Dave’s number with shaking fingers. By the time the bodyguard answered my call, I was already back by Luke’s side, rubbing his back as he sobbed incoherent things while facing the toilet bowl.

“Michael? Is that you?” I heard Dave’s familiar voice ask next to my ear and sighed in relief. “Dave, I need your help!” I rushed out quickly. “Luke is really dizzy, he can’t even walk because he’s shaking so much, I don’t think he’s sick, though, I honestly don’t know, but…he’s been c-crying really badly since I found him.”

The last sentence brought tears of worry to my eyes again, but I angrily wiped them off and swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.

“Calm down, Mike,” Dave told me serenely. “I know you’re probably worried, but you should keep your cool. I know it’s not easy, but you can do it!”

“I-I don’t know!” I stuttered as I kept a now softly gagging Luke close to my chest. “I just want someone to tell me what’s wrong! Please, Dave, help me!”

“Of course I will,” the man agreed, still mostly calm as I heard him stand up and shuffle around somewhere.

“You know I have a list of places where you can go if there’s an emergency. We could of course call an ambulance for Luke, but the doctor you all go to when you’re in Los Angeles has listed quite a few renowned places.”

“I don’t know what to do, Dave, please, just get Luke help!” I begged.

“Alright. Get him ready, I’ll be there in ten.”

Dave sounded very certain that everything was going to be okay and the fact that he was getting us help made me calm down a little as I gently soothed my shaking boyfriend who was still lying in my arms.

“Shh, Lukey,” I whispered to him while I gently combed his hair out of his tear-stained face, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. You’ll be okay soon. I love you, goddammit, I love you so much.”

I continued to whisper sweet nothings to him for a few minutes until he’d calmed down a little more and was only softly crying into my shirt. As soon as I heard a knock on the door, I lifted him up again, not trusting him to support his own weight yet, and carried him towards the entrance of our suite where Dave was waiting.

He examined Luke’s figure with his eyes for a few seconds before saying: “The van is ready. I’ll take him.”

However, when he tried to scoop Luke up himself I backed off a little, holding on to my boyfriend.

“I can do it,” I reassured. “He’ll only freak out more otherwise.”

And that’s how I ended up carrying my 6 feet tall boyfriend down the stairs and out of the hotel to the car that Dave had got ready for us. It wasn’t like Luke was particularly heavy, if anything I was surprised of how light he still was even though he’d grown so much, but after a while my arms started to hurt and I was really glad that I had started training more.

How could I have supported him otherwise?

I gently placed Luke in the back of the van and got in beside him, letting him lay down with his head on my lap as Dave got in as well, taking the driver’s seat.

“You’re driving yourself?” I asked, my voice being a little raspy from all the screaming and whispering of the past hour.

Dave nodded at my question. “I didn’t want to bother anyone and also I guessed it’d be better if this stayed private, right?”

“Yeah, it definitely would,” I agreed and planted a kiss on Luke’s forehead just when a phone started ringing out of nowhere, almost startling me to death.

“Oh, can you get that one, Mike?” Dave asked. “It’s probably the doctor’s office.”

“Alright!” I reached for the device, answering the call. “Yeah?”

“Excuse me, who is this?” a female voice asked at the other end of the line.

“My name's Michael Clifford,” I responded. “I'm answering the phone for Dave.”

“Well, Mr. Clifford, I believe you know that our office was called a few minutes ago. We were told an appointment was needed right now. Unfortunately, it’s already past our closing time, but Dr. London is at the night shift at StoneSprings Hospital Center.

“Our office called him and luckily, he’s available right now so you can visit him immediately.”

“Oh, thank you, thanks so much!” I almost screamed, happy that Luke was going to be okay – or at least going to be checked out, I realised a second afterwards. But anyway, Dr. London, the guy our usual doctor had listed, was available!

“You’re welcome,” the woman replied. “Have a good evening.”

“Bye!” I said before ending the call and tossing it aside, turning to Dave.

“So, Hospital Center it is?” he asked and I nodded.

“Hospital Center it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here you go, another chapter!
> 
> I'm currently working on the last bits of this story, so it feels nostalgic to come back to edit and upload these first few chapters :)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying this.
> 
> By the way, I dedicate this chapter to my best friend A. who was born exactly 16 years ago. I am 100 % sure she's not gonna see this, but I wanted to put it out here nonetheless because she's someone I trust a lot with and we've known each other for over 5 years.
> 
> On another note, please comment and tell me your honest opinion about this chapter. It's a little more intense, just like the last one (and the next one which I'm gonna upload very soon).
> 
> Well, have a nice weekend I guess.
> 
> Luna xx
> 
> PS: I'm done with all of my exams now and I'm v proud of myself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update because I can!

_**Michael** _

 

“Are you absolutely sure you can walk by yourself, Lukey?” I asked for the umpteenth time as I stood in front of the van, waiting for my boyfriend to come out of the vehicle.

“Yeah, I am,” his shaky voice replied, but I put an arm around his waist to steady him while we were walking to the hospital nonetheless.

Luke had luckily stopped crying by now, but he still seemed very upset and I could tell there was something I didn’t know. I observed him as we walked and noticed how fragile he seemed, despite the broadness of his shoulders.

The way of seeing Luke really depended on the angle you were using – he looked strong from the front, with his long legs, but when you looked at his profile you could see how thin and long his neck was.

I really thought it made him look like a newborn bird, really fragile and small yet still full of life. However, right now wasn’t a time to freak out over Luke’s cuteness – I just wanted to know what had happened to him.

We made it safely into the hospital where Dave walked up to the receptionist and talked to her, trying to get the information he needed. Meanwhile I sat down across the hall, making sure he was comfortable with his head resting on my shoulder before I started rubbing his arm.

He let out a little cry of distress and I immediately tensed up, expecting him to start crying again, but luckily he stayed silent and just closed his eyes. After a while of waiting Dave returned to us, taking a seat beside me.

“So, I found out where we need to go,” he started. “The lady told me Dr London is stationed on the second floor, but he is working right now. However, they wanted to check Luke over anyways, so we’re first going to the 5th floor and then visit Dr London.”

“Alright,” I nodded, showing him I had understood before I turned to Luke. “Lukey, you need to get up and come with me. They wanna check you out now.”

I kind of expected my boyfriend to be as stubborn as he always was when it came to doctor appointments, but surprisingly he didn’t put up a fight and just got up, sighing tiredly.

Again, I couldn’t keep myself from steadying him and holding his waist – I just wanted to show support and signal that he wasn’t alone, that I still loved him.

Now that he was better I wasn’t as worried anymore, but in the back of my mind I knew we were yet to find out what was wrong, and honestly, it was scaring me.

We took the elevator because I didn’t want Luke to walk up all the stairs and he was still very pale, slightly leaning on me as we made our way to the fifth floor. Finding the right office wasn’t difficult as there was only one which was illuminated, so Dave led us there.

At the door we were greeted by a middle-aged, tall lady who seemed to be a nurse.

“Oh, you must be Mr. Hemmings!” she welcomed Luke with an encouraging smile. “They already told us you were getting here. Will you please follow me? Oh, and you two can take a seat outside for a moment.”

“Sure,” I muttered and plopped down onto the chair, tiredly closing my eyes while I rested my head against the wall.

“You okay?” Dave hummed, but I didn’t answer. Right now, I didn’t feel like talking.

Everything that had happened within the last 60 minutes, from finding Luke to taking him here, still hadn’t fully sunk in and I felt the thoughts and questions spin behind my forehead. Of course I wanted to know what had caused Luke’s condition this evening, but I also dreaded to find out what was wrong with him.

There were a million possibilities and none of them seemed very pleasant. I could have named a million different illnesses Luke could have – but maybe he was just stressed out. Maybe, we were lucky and he was going to be okay.

I spent the next few minutes dozing off, occasionally glancing at Dave to find him sitting there, hands folded in his lap. Tiredness was taking over my body by now and I could feel my bones ache.

How on earth was I going to play a show tomorrow night?                                                         

How on earth was Luke going to perform?

Just when I was about to close my eyes again the door of the office opened and the lady stepped out.

“Mr. Clifford, can you please follow me? I’m sorry for your wait.”

“No problem,” Dave responded as I stood up, cautiously letting the woman lead the way.

As soon as I’d entered the room I spotted Luke, who was sitting in a chair in front of a desk and facing a rather old man with glasses and a little bit of fluffy grey hair covering his mostly bald skull.

“Ah, Mr. Clifford, take a seat, please!” he greeted me and I did as told, grabbing Luke’s hand and squeezing it reassuringly as soon as I got the chance to.

“You okay?” I mouthed and he nodded at me, yet still looking upset. Before I got the chance to ask him about it the man behind the desk started talking, though. “I’m Dr Karls. As you may know, I did the check out. Mr. Hemmings, we sent your blood samples laboratory where they’re gonna get analysed as soon as possible.

“Furthermore, I can confirm that Mr. Hemmings heart rate and breathing seems okay. He doesn’t have a temperature, either, and told me he didn’t have any trouble seeing or talking lately. Is that correct?”

“It is,” Luke confirmed, nervously shifting on his chair as the doctor went on: “We can mostly exclude the possibility of the growth of a tumour that affects the brain; however, since Mr. Hemmings was vomiting we suspect there may be one in his stomach. Dr London is going to do an ultrasound later, then you’ll find out.”

I stared at the doctor with wide eyes while the man kept on talking, not noticing my shock. The words that had just been spoken resounded with the walls of my head as I tried to process what was happening. Luke may be cancerous.

There was a possibility he would have to go through chemotherapy and even…

I couldn’t think of it. With a brief glance, I reassured myself that Luke was okay, but surprisingly he seemed neither aghast nor upset – however, he kept nervously fidgeting while the doctor explained what else could have caused Luke’s state.

“You shouldn’t worry too much,” Dr Karls told us, “I’ve worked here for 20 years and I’ve seen a lot of people who were suffering from cancer – I highly doubt that Mr. Hemmings is sick, especially since his weight seems to be _perfectly_ healthy.”

His words lifted a little bit of weight off my shoulders, but strangely, I felt Luke twitch beside me at the doctor’s last sentence and he seemed even more uncomfortable than before.

“So, I hope everything turns out well,” Dr Karls said when he was done explaining the possibilities. “Have a good night.”

“Thanks,” I could hear my boyfriend mumble hoarsely and a small smile crept onto my face since I hadn’t expected him to say anything. After saying goodbye I gently took his hand and led him outside, always making sure he was okay.

“How did it go?” Dave asked as soon as he noticed we were back, but Luke just shrugged so I answered for him: “The doctor told us about the different possibilities. He said there is the chance of Luke…”

I cleared my throat, not yet being able to say it out loud. To say I was surprised when Luke opened his mouth would be an understatement; in fact, I stared at him so intensely that I thought my eyes were going to fall out when he told Dave, “there is a low chance of me having cancer, but it’s not likely.”

“I’m sorry.” Dave awkwardly looked down at his feet, not seeming to know what to say. I didn’t understand how Luke could be so calm about all of this suddenly – of course I tried to contain myself, but internally I felt myself slowly freaking out as I attempted to keep myself from thinking of Luke as sick already.

_No, please_ , I prayed silently. _Please, let him be okay, lord, just let him be okay. He doesn’t deserve this._

Now, in reality I didn’t even believe in god and Jesus, or at least I didn’t quite get the whole religion thing yet, but pleading seemed to be the only thing I could do right now to make myself feel better. The situation we were all in right now was weird.

Dave kept staring at the floor, never looking up to face me or Luke and I started wondering how he was dealing with the message we had just received. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just sat on a chair beside me, his hands neatly folded and resting in his lap as he observed the plain hospital corridor.

Normally, I was able to read him like a book, but right now I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling.

Was he afraid? Anxious? Nervous?

The thought of him uncontrollably sobbing and crying only an hour ago seemed surreal, as if I had all just been a dream, but the fact that we were here proved that it had indeed been reality.

Personally, I didn’t know what to feel. Thoughts were spinning in my head, but at the same time, I felt strangely empty, as if Dr Karls’ words had taken something from me that I needed to live. Usually, there wasn’t anything I loved more than holding Luke’s hand, but right now the sensation didn’t do anything to me.

My skin, heart, my whole body seemed numb, as though I had sat still for a long time, but still different.

After a few minutes of waiting, a nurse came to pick us up and lead us to Dr London’s office, so we followed her, not talking as we made our way to the second floor. I stared at the woman’s back while we were walking, observing the way her dress would crinkle whenever she moved.

It kind of reminded me of some sort of weird pattern that was constantly changing, but deep inside I knew it didn’t mean anything anyway. My mind was just trying to process what I had just learnt.

“Here we are!” the nurse told us after she’d led us through countless corridors and doors, finally stopping in front of a white door. She pressed a button on the wall that looked one to operate a bell and a second later there was actually a ringing sound coming from inside the office.

Almost immediately the door swung open and we were greeted by another man in white clothes who looked younger than Dr Karls, but still much older than Luke and I.

“I’m Dr London,” he introduced himself as he gestured at us, telling us to come in. “And you must be Mr. Hemmings and Mr. Clifford?”

“Correct,” I responded as I looked around the room, finding myself in a rather small office filled with a shelf full of files, a desk and a few chairs. It was only now that I realised Dave had stayed outside again, but I figured he wouldn’t be allowed in here anyway, so it was better if he didn’t come.

“Take a seat, please,” the doctor told us, running a hand through his brown hair that was streaked with grey. “Dr Karls already informed me about what happened. I believe you, Mr. Hemmings, had a nervous breakdown a few hours ago?”

“I don’t know,” Luke mumbled quietly, fiddling around with the ring adorning his finger. “I guess so.”

Dr London nodded, understanding that my boyfriend wouldn’t be very helpful, so he turned to me.

“You found him, Mr. Clifford?”

“Yes,” I confirmed, internally wincing at the memory that was still so fresh and painful. “He… He was crying and trashing around and absolutely out of it. I called for help because he got so dizzy that his knees would give in and he couldn’t walk anymore.”

“Uh-huh,” Dr Jackson nodded as he took notes on a sheet of paper. “So, you have been suffering from nausea and back pains, Mr. Hemmings?”

“Yeah, I have,” Luke answered and I noticed his voice was starting to quiver as he chewed on his bottom lip, almost biting it raw. “But it’s mostly only temporary.”

“Well, that information is something I can work with. Is it okay if we continue with the ultrasound? Please, it’s the door to your right.”

“C’mon, buddy,” I encouraged Luke who was squeezing my hand a little too tight as we walked over to the next room which was furnished with an examination table and a few pieces of equipment which was necessary to record ultrasound, I figured.

Dr London motioned at the table, indicating Luke should lie down on it, but the blonde remained where he was as he clutched my hand tighter and tighter, his entire body going stiff.

“Shhh, it’s okay, buddy,” I soothed him although the fact that I couldn’t call him ‘baby’ broke my heart. “You’ll be alright, Lukey.”

However, my boyfriend frantically shook his head, his lips a thin line as I looked into his glossy blue eyes that were brimming with tears. He looked so scared that I worried he would have another anxiety attack right then and there, judging from the state he was in again.

I tried my best to soothe him by tracing circles on the back of his head, but internally I was freaking out.

What was wrong with him? Why hadn’t I noticed something was up? Had he been acting odd?

What if I had made him feel neglected?

“Please, lie down on the table, Mr. Hemmings,” Dr London told him a little bit more sternly, pointing at the desk. “It won’t do any harm to you.”

“He’s right, Lukey,” I whispered next to his ear, “you’re gonna be okay.”

“N-no.” The little whimper was barely audible, but I, being as alert as ever, heard him and my heart shattered at how vulnerable he sounded.

“Shhh,” I gently shushed him, “shhh. Lie down, it’s gonna be over soon. No need to be scared.”

I eventually got Luke to lie down on the table and Dr London, who had gone to get some supplies, soon returned to us with some kind of gel-like substance.

“I’ll need to smear this all over your stomach before I can start the ultrasound,” he explained to Luke. “Can you lift your shirt a little, please?”

The 19-year-old didn’t reply so I took the hem of his sweater between my fingers and made it rise up a little as my boyfriend tensed up under my touch.

“Shhh, you’re alright,” I told him while I went back to running my fingers through his hair, not disconnecting our gazes.

Dr London soon turned on the monitor and started moving the ultrasound detector over Luke’s skin, looking at the picture it was creating. At first, the only thing I saw was a grey milling mass, but after a few minutes I could make out different shaped thing, which I suspected were, well, Luke’s guts.

Luckily, I didn’t spot any unusual shapes that could possibly be dangerous on the monitor and sighed in relief when a little bit of the weight I had been carrying around on my shoulders was lifted off.

However, my happiness didn’t last very long because as soon as Dr London started moving the detector across Luke’s skin little whimpers started to escape his lips until he was full on sobbing, refusing to take a look at the picture the ultrasound had created.

I immediately rushed to where his head was from the spot near his stomach I had previously taken, trying to soothe him by brushing the hair out of his face and whispering sweet nothings to him.

He was crying and shaking, mumbling a mantra of “no, no, no” as the doctor did the ultrasound and I could feel myself fall to pieces with every sob that slipped through my boyfriend’s raw-bitten lips.

I had no idea why it seemed like he was going through hell right now – the ultrasound shouldn’t hurt after all, and yet here he was, crying and begging for Dr London to stop. From the corner of my eye, I could see the man take notes and studying the monitor carefully as he let out little huffs occasionally.

However, suddenly he froze and my head immediately snapped up while my eyes searched for the image on the screen, scanning it for any foreign forms. I twitched a little when I saw something move on the display, but only a second later the movement was gone, leaving the picture looking like it had never happened.

I was just about to turn back to Luke, who was still whimpering quietly, when Dr London suddenly spoke up, “Mr. Clifford? Could I get some time alone with Mr. Hemmings, please? I need to complete the ultrasound.”

“Sure,” I said with a frown, not exactly understanding why he wanted me to leave but obeying nevertheless. However, Luke was quick to grab my head and bring it to his heaving chest, pressing it against his shirt.

“No, no, no, Mikey, stay, please,” he begged, looking up at me with watery, pleading eyes. “I don’t want to… I can’t do this alone.”

“Unfortunately, you’ll most likely have to,” the doctor told him with a sympathetic smile. “It won’t be long till we’re done here and once we got the results I can decide whether you can take a sedative pill. You seem pretty tense.”

“You’re okay, ba- buddy,” I told Luke as I squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I’ll come and get you in a few minutes. I promise, everything’s gonna be fine.”

This time, my boyfriend didn’t disagree, however, the dull emptiness of his eyes, the grey that seemed to have replaced all the blue, made my heart break over and over again.

By the time I finally managed to leave the room I was almost in tears.

Why did all those terrible things have to happen to my boyfriend, my Lukey? And why wouldn’t the feeling in my gut that told me there was something I didn’t know yet disappear?

My head was starting to hurt from all the questions whirling around inside of it and I found myself sitting in the hallway next to Dave, staring at the ceiling in a not-so-witty way as I tried to fight the darkness which was spreading inside me.

I knew the demons, which I hadn’t heard anything of in a long time, were back and even though they couldn’t pester me yet I was aware of the fact that the time was going to come soon.

It had been about 7 weeks since the last time I’d seen my therapist in Los Angeles, Dr Jackson, and honestly, I thought I would be doing fine without him. He had warned me, though, that my depression was probably going to act up again at some point which was only considered normal; however, for me it was hell.

I didn’t want to be on meds again, I didn’t want to have to admit my weakness to the people again, I didn’t want to let Luke down. God only knew what he was struggling with, but I could tell he wasn’t okay, either.

I desperately wanted to _do_ something, _anything_ to make this situation better.

However, I knew that all I could do right now was sit here and pray that, somehow, we were going to be okay.

 

 

The period of time I spent waiting for Luke and Dr London to come back seemed like eternity to me when in reality barely 10 minutes passed until the door of the office opened, revealing Dr London, who motioned for me to come in without showing off any specific expression.

If someone had dared me to guess what he was about to announce, I couldn’t have guessed. His face seemed to be made of stone when he signalled me to sit down with a nodding movement of his head.

Luke had already taken the right chair so I slumped down beside him, grabbing his hand and giving it a gently sleeve. He didn’t look at me once, but I noticed the way he would twitch nervously when he felt my thumb rub circles on his skin and how he refused to wipe his eyes although they were still brimming with tears.

“Well, Mr. Hemmings and Mr. Clifford,” Dr London sighed after taking a seat behind the desk in front of us, checking his notes. “Firstly, I have a few questions for you. Please answer them truthfully if you can – if that’s not the case then please just tell me you don’t want to reply.”

I nodded, indicating Luke and I had understood. I was speaking for both of us since I was positive my boyfriend wouldn’t get out a single word, even if he wanted to talk.

“Alright,” the doctor smiled, seeming to comprehend. “So, I noticed that you, Mr. Clifford, were listed as family of Mr. Hemmings. Are you two related by blood or is the fact that you’re mentioned serving another purpose?”

“We’re not related by blood,” I admitted truthfully as I didn’t see a point in lying to Dr London. “But we’re- uhm…very close.”

“Well, so the next question is only for Mr. Hemmings. Have you been sexually assaulted

by a person of the same sex or have you had any sexual intercourse with one or various males?”

“I-I haven’t been assaulted,” I heard Luke’s quiet stutter beside him and immediately felt bad for him for having to answer this question. I know how hesitant he was when it came to giving away anything about our relationship because he was scared the media would find out.

Admittedly, I was scared, too, but not nearly as much as my boyfriend, judging from the obvious tenseness of his shoulders and neck and the way he kept biting his lip.

“B-but yeah, I guess I’ve h-had sexual intercourse with my...persons of the same sex.” Without looking at him, I could already tell he was blushing and already trying to figure out how he was going to talk himself out of this situation.

I had never felt worse for him. The way he was sitting in his chair, his shoulders hunched up as if he was trying to protect himself, reminded me of his 15-year-old self and the days when he used to be the most fragile person I knew.

Back then, I had been a lot taller than him and, truth be told, I had absolutely loved wrapping him up in my sweaters that were huge on him – however, he still managed to make himself seem small in my arms and I was contended with the way our relationship still worked.

“Okay, I’m going to ask you quite frankly – Mr. Clifford, are you in a relationship with Mr. Hemmings?”

And although there was no mirror around I knew my face fell the moment Dr London finished his question.

What should I do now? I knew Luke wouldn’t want me to answer truthfully, but this was different – we were at the hospital after all and if admitting we were together helped solve Luke’s problem in any way I’d just go for it.

“So?” Dr London looked at me questioningly and suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for seeing the disappointed look on Luke’s face before blurting out, “we’ve been together for four years. But you can’t tell anyone!”

To my own surprise, the doctor smiled, satisfied.

“No worries, Mr. Clifford, the medical confidentiality still exists. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks!” I breathed out, glad that we could trust him, but he cut me off by raising a hand to shush me. “However, there’s something I gotta tell you. I found out during the ultrasound…”

_No, no, no,_ I could feel myself start to panic immediately. _Let him be okay! Let Luke be okay, please, let Luke be okay!_

“Well, this probably sounds crazy and not many people know about this,” Dr London started, looking at both of us before finally revealing the results of the ultrasound: “Mr. Hemmings, you are about 12 weeks pregnant with what I believe is Mr. Clifford’s child.”

And while I still tried to process what I had just learnt, Luke burst into tears beside me. Just as if he’d already known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is the first double update I've ever done! Unbelievable - right?
> 
> But I thought - hey, why leave them hanging like this for another week when they can get the next chapter today! Therefore, here you go.
> 
> Please tell me your opinion in the comments!
> 
> Have a nice day, 
> 
> Luna xx


	11. Chapter 11

_**Luke** _

 

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was white.

White sheets, white covers, white pillows, white curtains, white walls – the colour, as plain and as pure as ever, just white.

Now, to most people, everything they saw was related to something else.

The colour red was the shade of love, of a burning heart, while black stood for grief and sorrow, mostly being used at funerals or other very unpleasant events. If someone had asked me what I associated with the colour white, I would probably have answered marriage because of the white wedding dress.

However, there were other things that were white, too, such as hospitals.

I immediately remembered that at the sight of the colour, even though it had been too dark to make out anything last night when I had lain down. However, it still triggered my memories and suddenly, scenes I had experienced started filling my head.

Some of the memories were all blurry as if I’d not really acknowledged anything yet had still been there – I figured it was because I’d cried so much the previous night.

However, I clearly recalled what had happened after Dr London had told us about the results.

Even though I had already expected the news, my mind decided it couldn’t take this anymore and let me burst into tears, which resulted in my body giving in, too.

I remembered Michael lifting my shaking figure up and carrying me somewhere as he tried to mask his own feelings. I didn’t even know what he thought of the news.

Was he surprised? Angry? Sad?

The thought of him being mad at me left an unpleasant feeling in my gut, so I decided to just forget about it. Speaking of Michael, he was lying behind me right now, my beck pressed against his chest as his arms were wrapped around my waist.

I noticed how I seemed so much taller than his curled-up figure instantly and started worrying, wondering if he minded being the big spoon. Again, the question left a slight pressure on my chest as I curled up a little more, trying to appear as small as possible.

Truth be told, I personally didn’t want to be the big spoon at all, but I didn’t want Michael to feel uncomfortable, either. I needed him to be happy because if he didn’t smile around me, I couldn’t either.

It took me quite some time to fit into his arms, but after a while I was satisfied with our position, starting to slowly fall back to sleep again. However, I found myself unable to stop my brain from thinking and processing what had happened yesterday as I started pondering over the little thing that was apparently growing inside my stomach.

_You’re pregnant, Luke, pregnant_ , the voice in my head, which I already knew from yesterday, sneered, yet this time I didn’t feel the need to cry.

In all honesty, I didn’t feel anything at all. It was as if my body had run out of emotions after the torture of yesterday, trying to recuperate from all the distress that I had been put under.

Absent-mindedly rubbing circles over my tummy with my hand, I wondered how big the baby was already. Dr London had told me it had been about 12 weeks since Michael had impregnated me, but I was unable to imagine what the child, _my child_ , looked like, let alone how big it was.

“Foetuses are pretty small at the beginning of pregnancy,” I heard the voice of my old Science-teacher resound with the walls of my head. “You most likely won’t notice a bump until you are at four months.”

Four months, of which three were already over. That meant there was one month left until I’d start to gain weight, one month until people would start noticing. The mere thought of what I’d end up looking like at end of my pregnancy caused my heart to clench inside my chest.

I already felt too big right now – how would I overcome this whole journey without going crazy?

I could feel my eyes start to burn, but as soon as I noticed they were there, I wiped away the little tears that had threatened to roll down my cheeks.

Right now, I wasn’t going to cry again. I shouldn’t cry – I had no reason to.

I was just being a cry baby, wasn’t I?

Again, I looked at Michael and felt a pang of jealousy in my chest, followed by guilt as I realised how much I envied his skinny frame and his rather small shoulders. I could perfectly imagine how tiny he had to look while spooning my huge torso from behind, not knowing how to fit me into his arms.

But I really shouldn’t be that shallow. Was I really such a superficial person? Why couldn’t I take feeling big or at least bigger than I should be?

Why wasn’t fine? Why was I even asking this question – technically, I was fine, wasn’t I?

“Argh,” I groaned in frustration, clutching my head which was starting to hurt from all the questions spinning behind my forehead. However, as soon as the noise had escaped my throat I covered my mouth with my, realising Michael was still right behind me.

As if on cue, he started to move around restlessly against my back and I had trouble to stop myself from crying once again, feeling terrible for waking my boyfriend up. I quickly turned onto my other side so that I could observe the cute yet troubled frown on his face that appeared when he started to wake up.

“L-Luke,” I could hear him mumble before he had even opened his eyes and again I could feel my heart sting, yet in a good way this time.

“’m right h-here,” I breathed out, my voice hoarse, which was from the previous events, I supposed. “Sorry for waking you.”

“No problem,” Michael murmured and scooted closer until my nose was hiding in the crook of his neck, his lips resting on my head which was covered by a messy yet fluffy mop of dark blonde hair.

Thinking of my hair colour, I started to wonder what the baby was going to look like. It would probably grow blonde hair, too, since Michael’s hair colour was pretty similar to mine, but I hoped it would get his beautiful green eyes that reminded me of the summertime.

I knew my own eyes were considered stunning as well, however, the colour reminded me of coldness and winter, which wasn’t anything I wanted to associate my baby with.

My baby…

It still felt weird to think that Dr London had actually confirmed my suspicions. I knew I should be very happy about getting the opportunity to be able to carry children, but I just couldn’t think of myself as lucky.

Maybe, if it had all happened a few years later, I would have looked forward to being a parent or giving birth, but right now all I could think of were the reactions of everyone. Unfortunately, it was pretty clear that my pregnancy would become noticeable at some point – I just hoped the fans wouldn’t consider me weird or even be disgusted by my ability to carry children, let alone hate Mikey for having sex with me.

After all, he was the person who didn’t deserve hate all…

_What if they’ll call you fat? What if they’ll think you are too big?_ the voice in my head started pestering my again and I twitched at the words that seemed to be stuck on my mind, not wanting to deal with this problem right now.

_Oh, I forgot, you already are too big…_

I wanted to yell at them to stop, to leave me alone with their insults and doubts that were constantly trying to destroy the self-confidence I had gained over the years with great difficulty.

However, my throat refused to produce any sound apart from a nasty cough when I opened my mouth, closing up as soon as I tried to speak.

“Are you ‘kay, Lukey?” Michael asked in a sleepy voice and I could feel his soft lips press a kiss to my head.

“There’s been too many tears yesterday,” he whispered against my skin, which caused a shiver of pleasure to run down my spine.

“I know,” I weakly replied, tearing up a little at the thought of what I’d been through last night. It was a miracle that I could recall anything after all, let alone remember minor details, which was the case, surprisingly.

Though, I wished the pictures in my mind weren’t so graphic and the ache inside of my chest wasn’t so present when I pressed myself against Michael, seeking his familiar warmth which immediately enveloped me.

I took a deep breath and inhaled his smell, feeling it spread in my lungs until I slowly, even shakily breathed out.

“What are w-we gonna do now?”

“I don’t know,” Michael answered and I could hear in his voice how clueless he actually was. “I honestly don’t know. I can’t even believe any of this yet. It’s crazy.”

“I’m so sorry,” I choked out, my whole body going stiff as I anxiously awaited my boyfriend’s reaction.

What if he pushed me away? I wasn’t so sure if I could deal with rejection right now.

However, Michael, being the kind and fair person he was, just pulled me closer while he hummed out a little, “shhh, it’s okay, Penguin, you don’t need to apologise.”

Even though I was far from being happy in this exact moment a small smile appeared on my face at the old pet-name my boyfriend had just used. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t obsessed with penguins anymore – the sound of the word, all the love and fondness that was evident in Michael’s voice, made me feel warmer inside.

It reminded me of the old days when we weren’t famous and I hadn’t been to any other country than Australia. Back then, I had been naïve and awkward, fragile and small. Michael had been my protection.

Once again I realised how much we’d grown since then – we had all matured a lot; even my boyfriend, a 20-year-old guitarist claiming he still liked Pokémon. And our relationship had changed with us, too.

It hadn’t altered in a bad way, though, since it had only adapted to our personalities as time went on. However, it was still crazy to think about the fact that soon, it wouldn’t simply be Michael and I anymore.

My thoughts were interrupted when the door swung, or rather, flew, open all of a sudden, revealing a nurse in her working dress.

“Mr. Hemmings, Mr. Clifford, right?” she asked with a wide grin as Michael quickly entangled his legs from mine and I sheepishly sent her a cracked smile.

“Correct.”

 “I’m so sorry for having to wake you up, but I was told you had an appointment with Dr London and Dr Simons in 20 minutes. How’d you sleep?”

“Alright,” Michael told her, taking control over the situation. “Still pretty tired, though. What time is it?”

“11:30 am,” the nurse responded. “Are you alright, Mr. Hemmings?”

“I’m feeling fine,” I told her truthfully, glad that my usual nausea, _my morning sickness_ , hadn’t acted up today.

Honestly, the last thing I wanted to deal with right now was puke or any other disgusting substances that were supposed to stay inside my stomach.

“That’s great! Dr London and Dr Simons expect you to be in Room 25, 2nd floor, in about 20 minutes. You can go to the cafeteria and get something to eat in the meantime.” The nurse smiled brightly at us before exiting the room.

As soon as she was gone my boyfriend turned to me with a questioning expression on his face.

“Who’s that Simons-guy?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, playing with the necklace I noticed I was still wearing. “Probably some specialist in…pregnancy?”

“Probably,” Michael agreed and placed a kiss on my jaw. “But…Luke? Can we, like, talk about yesterday evening? What happened?”

As soon as he mentioned last night, I could feel my body start to stiffen as my heart started beating a little faster.

And maybe, my voice was just a little too high-pitched and my breath just a little too uneven when I told him I had just felt overly emotional, although we both knew it was a lie. However, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth yet – what would he think of me if he was aware of the fact that I’d practically known about the baby?

“I think we should go get something to eat, shouldn’t we?” Michael interrupted my thoughts, luckily not dwelling on the previous topic. “And maybe call Dave to tell him that we need to stay here for a while? He’s probably worried.”

“Yeah,” I replied absent-mindedly, thinking about our bodyguard. After we’d been assigned to a room, he had left, claiming he needed to help our tour manager plan the next day in case I wouldn’t be able to perform.

I felt really bad for causing so much trouble and wished things were different, but I had figured I just needed to live with this situation, whether I was happy or not. The fans were probably going to be mad if we actually had to postpone the concert and the thought of not being able to perform made me feel a little sick in my stomach.

I’d already checked out their reactions to Arzaylea being on tour with me again and they seemed to act even more hatefully towards her than before. Sometimes I wanted to tell them they should hate on me and not on the person who was basically saving my life by pretending to be my girlfriend, but I never actually spoke up.

Maybe, I just wasn’t brave enough.

With those deep, dark thoughts clouding my mind, I headed to the cafeteria of the hospital with Michael in order to get something to eat. The hall luckily wasn’t very crowded, which I was grateful for since I didn’t want anyone to see me or my boyfriend here, especially not together.

The last time I had gone to the hospital had been in Asia, when I’d been sick and unable to sing anymore. Some of the fans had noticed back then, but luckily most of them hadn’t believed in the rumours.

Though right now, I didn’t need any more people making up conspiracy theories about me, so I just hoped my hospital visit would go by unnoticed.

“Luke, just look at all the food!”

My boyfriend’s cheery voice made me snap out of my thoughts as I watched him look around, admiring all the food the hospital was offering, which was surprisingly a whole lot.

However, even though the different kinds of cereals did look quite delicious, I wasn’t hungry at all. If anything, my stomach turned at the slightest mention of food and I gulped hard, trying to avoid thinking about breakfast.

This time it wasn’t my morning sickness that made me feel nauseous, though, but the fact that I was going to get bigger and bigger, which just wouldn’t leave my head. I already felt like I was the size of a house, although I knew my baby bump wasn’t showing yet.

“C’mon, I’m starving! I need to eat!” Michael told me and dragged me over to the counter where you could order food. He told the lady behind the desk what he wanted to eat and then turned to me. “So, what do you want?”

“Uhm…can I just have a banana, please?” I timidly asked, staring at my hands that were shaking ever so slightly. If I hadn’t known how nervous I was myself I wouldn’t have noticed.

“Why did you only order a banana?” Michael asked me nonetheless as we made our way to a vacant table, causing me to flinch just a little.

“I’m not that hungry,” I replied quietly. “I guess I just need to…process first.”

“Okay, but promise me you’ll eat as soon as you start to feel hungry? The baby, our baby, needs to be fed, too.”

“I will,” I nodded, although I wasn’t so sure if I was going to keep this promise.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical talk aka me trying to explain male pregnancy (and failing)

_**Luke** _

 

Breakfast went quite well that day, although I couldn’t get my mind off the upcoming appointment with Dr London. Michael tried to cheer me up by distracting me, but to no avail, so he just kept quiet after a while and held my hand while we waited to be called into the office.

Dr London seemed to be a little late, considering we had to spend 10 minutes waiting in front of his door despite getting there a little late, but I didn’t mind a lot. For now, I was busy trying to figure out what to do next and how to manage my life, now that I knew Michael and I were to be joined by a third little human soon.

I was lost in thought so deeply that I only noticed we had been called upon when Michael gently nudged my arm, signalling me to get up from the seat I had waited on and follow him into the room.

Like last night, we were greeted by Dr London sitting behind his desk, but this time, giant glasses were resting on the bridge of his nose, making him look more awake than last night.

The doctor sent us a small smile when he noticed us.

“Mr. Hemmings, Mr. Clifford – I already expected you. Have you been informed about the fact that Dr Simons, a specialist in male and female pregnancy, is going to join us later?”

I hesitantly nodded, taking in the information that Dr Simons was the person we had already suspected him to be, and glanced at Michael only to find him doing the same.

“Well,” Dr London continued, “you might have a few questions, I figured. Don’t be afraid to ask, I get that this situation is very new to both of you.”

“Actually, yeah, I have a question,” Michael spoke up tentatively, raising his hand as if he was in school. “I- uhm… I was wondering…”

“Go on!” Dr London encouraged him. “I’ll try to help you out.”

“But- How is it even possible that Luke got pregnant?!” Michael suddenly blurted out, his green eyes wide. “I mean, I may have dropped out of school, but I went long enough to learn that females, and only females, are able to carry children. Why the fuck are you telling me my boyfriend is pregnant?!”

Technically, this was a valid question and I was supposed to want to know its answer, too – however, right now the only thing I could think was: _He doesn’t want it._

Michael _obviously_ didn’t want this child. It didn’t matter that he had comforted me last night or that he had promised me we were going to make it when my frame had been shaking with sobs. He was going to go and leave me behind with nothing but a child I didn’t really want myself.

I hadn’t even known about my ability to get pregnant, but still, it was my fault that we were here now, since _I_ was the one carrying the baby.

At this very moment, I wished this child had never been created, just for the sake of Michael and me. I wished we could just go back to normal and go on like we had before, together.

But I couldn’t have Michael leave, I couldn’t take it…

Desperately trying to fight back the tears that were welling up in my eyes, I turned to Dr London, who opened his mouth agonisingly slowly, making seconds seem like minutes and hours.

“Well, I was expecting that one.”

Of course he had been expecting it – he had surely dealt with situations like this one before and knew I was going to end up alone. The lump which was blocking my throat only grew bigger as I looked at him, waiting for the answer Michael and I were both anticipating.

“Now, this is something not many people know of,” Dr London finally spoke. “The knowledge is rather common and, well, you can say the phenomenon itself is rare, too. Have you ever heard of a male giving birth?”

Silently, I shook my head, knowing Michael was doing the same right next to me without having to look at him.

“That’s because it’s something that doesn’t happen. Men are able to get pregnant, however, they can’t give birth to a baby in a natural way like women can.

“Although they have a uterus where the child can grow for 9 months, their womb doesn’t have a neck and their pelvis isn’t broad enough to fit a baby in it, either, so they have to get a C-section.”

“So, you’re basically telling me you need to cut that thing out of my boyfriend because somehow he got pregnant?!” Michael shook his head over and over, his fingers tapping on the desk in a nervous manner.

I felt a pang in my chest when he referred to the child inside me as ‘the thing’ and winced. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t necessarily happy about the baby’s existence – hearing Michael address it like an object showed me just how much he despised it.

“Pl-please don’t call it a thing,” I somehow managed to whisper.

Immediately, Michael’s eyes widened and he turned to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me closer.

“I’m sorry, Lukey,” he whispered. “I wasn’t thinking. Please, don’t cry.”

It was only then that I noticed the tears that were slowly yet steadily making their way down my cheeks and soaking my shirt.

I sniffled a little and allowed myself to get lost in Michael’s scent for a moment, glad that he at least had some comfort to offer.

“So, you are lucky I am aware of the fact that male pregnancy exists,” Dr London told us as soon as we’d resettled on our chairs, with my head resting on Michael’s shoulder now. “Many doctors don’t know about this phenomenon, which doesn’t mean they are bad at their job.

“It’s just something that’s not happening a lot. Luckily, I know Dr Simons, who’ll be here soon to take over. However, till then I’d like to explain a few basic things about male pregnancy.

“As I explained before, men aren’t able to physically give birth, even if some of them are indeed capable of carrying a child.

“This fact brings me to my next point – it’s common knowledge that fertile women menstruate once a month. This symptom has never shown in men before, which is only logical. The mucous membrane that builds up at the start of the female, or in this case, male, cycle is being decomposed by the body itself, so men won’t experience menstrual symptoms.

“Furthermore, the period of time during which males can be impregnated is shorter than the female’s and won’t last longer than 24 hours, which adds to the fact that pregnancy is quite uncommon in males. It’s-“

Suddenly Dr London’s speech was interrupted by the door swinging open as a male nurse entered the room.

“Dr London?”

“What’s the matter?” the doctor asked, pushing up his glasses that had slid down the bridge of his nose while he’d been talking. “Has Dr Simons arrived already?”

“He’s here now,” the guy nodded. “He just got ready and wants to join now.”

“Perfect!” Dr London said. “Tell him to come in.”

Then, he turned back to the chairs Michael and I were sitting on. “You heard it yourselves – Dr Simons is here now.”

I nodded, swallowing hard as I watched the door open a little more and leaving a gap for the man who was entering the room right then. He seemed to be around Dr London’s age, but his hair was shorter and you could see he was balding already.

The guy’s eyes, however, were fairly small-sized but shone with so much knowledge and wisdom that I was sure he’d seen many things before. Dr Simons greeted us with a warm smile and shook our hands, easily gaining my trust although I had been cautious only seconds before.

I was always careful when it came to trusting people I didn’t know.

I still remembered the day Michael and I had been told to keep our relationship from our management, which was definitely one of the reasons we wanted to avoid coming out at all costs. We never knew who was going to tell on us and destroy the web of lies we had created.

“Dr London called my office last night when he found out about your case,” Dr Simons started talking as soon as he’d taken a seat next to Dr London.

“I believe you are the pregnant guy, Mr. Hemmings,” he nodded at me before turning to Michael with a smile, “and you’re the other father of the child, Mr. Clifford.”

“Yeah, I am the begetter,” my boyfriend confirmed and I could feel him squeeze my hand tightly, as if to reassure himself this was real.

“Then, first of all: How are you, Mr. Hemmings? Have you had any difficulties with anything lately?”

The fact that he inquired about my well-being took me by surprise, which was why my nod was a little hesitant as I shyly spoke up, “I feel alright, I guess. I’ve been experiencing what I believe is morning sickness, but luckily not today.”

“That’s only normal.” Dr Simons gave me a reassuring nod as if to signal me to go on. “Anything else?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I’ve been getting dizzy a few times, too, and my back hurts a lot.”

“Don’t forget about being emotional, Lukey,” Michael stepped in, catching my blue gaze with his green one as I felt his thumb trace shapes on the back of my hand. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry this much before – at least not since you hit puberty.”

“Stop,” I told him as I cracked a small smile. However, there was still an uneasy feeling in my chest as I waited for Dr Simons to say something.

I knew about being emotional all too well, considering I’d been drowning myself in pity because I hated my appearance (yet also the fact that I couldn’t stop caring about it) so much.

Now I at least knew I had a good reason to be so over-dramatic about all of this.

Dr Simons didn’t seem surprised by my symptoms at all – actually, he chuckled at the short conversation between me and my boyfriend, scribbling something down onto the paper Dr London had handed him.

“Again, a common symptom that comes with the additional hormones your body produces right now, Mr. Hemmings. You’ll probably suffer from mood swings during the first and even second trimester of the pregnancy – it’s a little nasty, but as long as you don’t show any symptoms of depression, you’ll be fine.”

Dr Simons made sure to eye both of us for a second before he continued to talk, “so, I believe Dr London has already cleared up some confusion?”

“He has,” Michael replied quickly, “I was a little overwhelmed and so was Luke, but he helped us understand this whole situation a little better.”

“That’s perfect!” the doctor told us as he approvingly nodded at his colleague. “Then I’d like to talk about this specific case, alright?

“Firstly, judging from the pictures from the ultrasound, you are at the beginning of the second trimester of pregnancy. Dr London already told me your condition remained unnoticed for about 3 months. It’s a miracle your child is still alive and well, considering the high rate of miscarriages.

“Have you been consuming cigarettes, alcohols and/or other drugs lately?”

Sighing, I shook my head, somewhat glad that I hadn’t partied in months. I remembered how I had partied almost every night during the European leg of our tour, but somehow, I hadn’t touched any alcohol ever since we’d returned to LA.

Also, I wasn’t a smoker, so the baby most definitely hadn’t been hurt by the carbon monoxide or any other toxic substances.

“Alright! You know, most male pregnancies end at some point halfway through the first trimester because of different reasons. First of all, most men aren’t aware of their capability of getting pregnant.

“A baby can only be begot when sperms reach the uterus, so it only happens during gay sex or rape, sadly. Now, since only few people know that this phenomenon exists, male pregnancy is often confused with cancer as similar hormones are released in both cases.

Babies are often mistaken for tumours, which are removed by surgery. Unfortunately, that means they die.”

Dr Simons paused and looked at us both, however, I avoided his grey gaze. His words were still echoing with the walls of my skull as I stared at my fingers which were intertwined with Michael’s. 

How could a child be confused with a tumour? How could anyone not notice the difference? The thought of an innocent baby being cut out of someone because they didn’t know what it was seemed cruel to me, even though I knew it wasn’t the fault of anyone.

The people simply weren’t aware of the life they were ending, yet my heart clenched painfully at the thought of the poor children.

How could I feel sorry for them if I didn’t like the idea of my own baby, though? My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to sort out my feelings, which was seemingly impossible, since they were utterly inconsistent with each other.

Luckily, Michael seemed to have noticed my uneasiness and scooted closer to me, allowing me to hide my face in his shirt for a moment. I inhaled as much of his smell as I could, feeling the air fill me lips before I slowly let it go again, breathing out with a soft sigh.

No matter how upset I was, Michael always made me feel like home.

And the familiarity of a home was something I definitely needed right now.

 

 

The next hour was a blur. Dr Simons kept explaining our ‘case’ to Michael and me, but I wasn’t able to pay attention a lot. After he was done talking he took me to the next room again where he did another ultrasound, just to make sure the baby was alright and well.

Although I hated having to lift my shirt and let him see my tummy, I didn’t protest and just waited it out, watching the screen numbly as the outlines of the baby, _my baby_ , appeared on it.

About 70 minutes later Michael and I were finally able to leave the hospital after scheduling another appointment with Dr Simons, who’d be taking over from now on. I was tightly clutching the sonogram, which they’d printed out for me, holding it to my chest to make sure no one could see.

I didn’t even want to imagine the headlines of the newspaper if anyone saw the photo.

 

 

Michael and I didn’t talk a lot on our way home. He gladly accepted me using his shoulder as a pillow as I tried to catch up on some sleep from last night.

The previous events had exhausted me to no end and I was more than glad that I finally got to rest, even if my thoughts and worries kept pestering me in my sleep.

I jolted awake just when we arrived at the hotel, my head jerking up from Michael’s shoulder while I tried to catch my breath, attempting to figure out what had caused me to get so worked up.

However, I soon realised it was hopeless to try to recall my latest dream, so I banned it from my mind as Michael and I silently headed over to the entrance of the hotel. Only later, I realised how lucky we were, considering there were no fans waiting outside, but right then, I was absolutely occupied with my own thoughts.

In fact, I was so lost so deep that I didn’t notice Cal und Ashton until they stood right in front of us, brows furrowed and gazes annoyed yet questioning.

“Uh…hi?” Michael awkwardly greeted them while I swallowed hard, trying not to throw up right then and there.

The car ride had made me feel sick again and the fact that Ashton’s hazel-coloured glare made my stomach twist with nervousness didn’t exactly help.

“Where the fuck have you been?” the drummer asked quietly, coming a little closer. His eyes were sparkling dangerously as he examined us for a few moments, probably awaiting an answer. “Where the actual fuck have you two been?”

His voice was hazardously low and his words made an unpleasant shiver run down my spine as I scooted closer to Michael, covering my stomach _and the baby_ with my hand in a protective manner.

Again, Ashton opened his mouth and repeated his question, yet this time he wasn’t talking, he was snarling, “where the fuck have you been?”

I flinched when his voice grew louder at the end of the sentence and noticed Calum shooting me a sympathetic glance before the Kiwi stepped forward, placing a hand on Ashton’s shoulder.

“Calm down, Ash. Our main concern is that they’re back.”

“No, I won’t fucking calm down! I wanna know what’s happening!”

Ashton’s sudden outburst startled all three of us and I couldn’t help but try to cover my ears with my hands in fear of another loud noise.

Our drummer looked like he was ready to hit Michael or even both of us, even if his glares were mostly directed at my boyfriend, and I couldn’t help but back off a little when he drew even closer.

“Why the fuck did you two just disappear?! We were worried sick! Dave wouldn’t tell us what happened and no one else seemed to know. You can’t just go away without telling anyone! We had an interview, a fucking interview! Can you even imagine what Cal and I felt like when we had to turn up without you two?!”  
I was certain I had never been as scared of Ashton before. I could see his clenched fists shaking as if he was trying not to throw a punch at one of us, his piercing gaze resting on the two of us.

Careful not to make any sudden move, I pressed myself against Michael, searching for protection, which he immediately offered by wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me closer, letting me nuzzle my nose into his neck although I was technically taller than him.

“Alright, Ashton, that’s enough,” Calum stepped in and this time he pulled our bandmate back with much more might. “I get that you want an explanation, but not _like that_!”

Those two last words were rather spat out than said in a normal tone and I frowned, trying to focus on the feeling of Michael’s breath hitting my skin.

“So,” Ashton glared at us provokingly. “Care to explain where the fuck you were? You know, I don’t even wanna know what they’re gonna write when they publish their damn interview.”

I could see that his blood was still boiling with anger and knew I wasn’t brave enough to speak up right now, so I was more than thankful when Michael opened his mouth.

“We were at the hospital.”

“Yeah, and- Wait? You were where?!”

Ashton’s eyes grew wide as he slowly let his raised hand sink and stared at us as if we were from another planet.

“We were at the hospital,” Michael repeated. “We drove there last night, it was kind of an emergency.”

“But- What… Why didn’t you-“

Now, Ashton seemed to be at a loss of words and Calum didn’t look like he was going to talk, either. The two just stood there, facing us with surprised yet concerned expressions as they awaited an explanation.

“I-“

I tried to speak, but as soon as the first word had escaped my mouth I felt my throat close up and the lump return, bringing tears to my eyes once again.

“We’ll explain,” Michael immediately helped me out, “but we should go somewhere a bit more…private. It’s pretty complicated, you know?”

“Uh-huh,” Calum nodded while Ashton continued to stare at us as if he’d never seen us before. The Kiwi boy looked around to see if anyone else could hear us and then quietly told us, “we should go to my room.”

 

 

And that was how we ended up piled up on Calum’s bed, not bothering to drape the sheets over our bodies as we held on to each other. I could feel Ashton’s arm rest on my waist while I lay in Michael’s arms, my face buried in his shirt.

My heart was racing already, even if none of us had spoken up yet. However, I knew the moment when I had to tell them about what I’d found out would be here far too soon. In order to calm myself down a little, I focused on Ashton’s hands which were fiddling around with each other.

He seemed stressed and concerned and I felt bad for him, but at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to talk yet. It was just so hard.

The knowledge of the human inside me rested on my shoulders like an unbearable weight that seemed to drag me down until I was helplessly lying on the ground, waiting to be picked up someday.

“So, what happened last night?” Calum asked after a while. “I mean, why did you even drive to the hospital in the first place?”

I glanced at Michael, hopeful that he would take over because, honestly, the events of last nights were just a blur inside my head.

This morning, I had been able to recall even small details, but now that some time had passed, it had grown harder and harder. The only thing that was still vividly living on in my memory was the feeling of being torn apart, of going insane at the sound of the voices in my head.

“Right after we got here, I found Luke in our room,” my boyfriend slowly started to explain, an uneasy expression look on his face. “H-he was in a bad condition, dizzy and totally disorientated and I just didn’t know what to do, so I called Dave and told him to take us to the hospital.”

“And what did they find out? Are you okay? Did you have a panic attack or what?”

Ashton’s voice was a little too shaky when he finally spoke up and my heart broke in two because I knew what was going on in his head. He looked so worried, so afraid and the sight of him shattered me – I had caused his concern after all.

No wonder he had jumped to conclusions, considering how little information he’d been provided with.

“It- It’s nothing serious, right?” the drummer added when neither of us went to answer his question. “You won’t d-die.”

Silently, I shook my head as I felt a sigh building up in my chest, but never escaping.

“No, I won’t,” I told him, hoping it would ease up the situation. “But I- I don’t know what to do. It’s gonna change everything…”

“Dammit, Luke, tell us already!” Calum disrupted me just when I was about to tell them. I instantly winced at his raised voice and Michael pulled me closer to him as he shot a glare at his best friend.

“Oh shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to sound that harsh!” the Kiwi immediately apologised. “I’m just- I wanna know what’s wrong! I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” I mumbled, half of my face still buried in Michael’s shirt. “It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s mine. I’m pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's me, finally updating again! (who would've guessed)
> 
> Believe me when I say I'm the worst author in the world bc here I am, having finished this story (woooo!) yet never actually updating bc I can't be bothered to edit the old chapters. Sorry you have to keep up with me :)
> 
> On another note, I'll be going to England in two weeks (and seek some inspiration for my next fanfic, which will probably feature two pairings), and I'm pretty hyped bc my exchange partner likes 5sos!
> 
> Also, I finished the first season of Haikyuu and I'm obsessed with it, so if anyone wants to talk abt it I'm here! 
> 
> So, enough of that personal shit. Please tell me what you liked / disliked abt the chapter! Feedback & Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Till next time, I guess.
> 
> Luna


	13. Chapter 13

 

_**Luke** _

 

The room fell silent as soon as the words had left my lips. I could still hear the statement resound with the walls of my head, but at the same time the unbearable stillness filling the room seemed to crush my bones, leaving me in a heap of shattered pieces.

I quickly tried to focus on Michael’s familiar scent that was lingering in the air around me in order to calm myself down, but I could already feel the bubble of panic grow inside me chest, ready to burst any moment.

I flinched involuntarily when finally, after what had felt like an eternity, Ashton’s familiar voice rang out to me, “you’ve gotta be kidding me! That’s not funny, Luke! Tell us the truth, dammit!”

_They didn’t believe me!_

As soon as I had realised what was going on with Ashton and Calum I could feel my breathing start to quicken and my heartbeat rate increase as I snuggled as close to Michael as I could, hoping he could help me somehow.

“Right, quit joking, Luke! This is not the time!” Calum stepped in, making my heart clench even more when an almost inaudible whimper left my parted lips.

“Stop insulting him, you bastards!” Michael told them harshly. “He’s not lying.”

“You’re insane, you must be completely insane,” Ashton started repeating over and over. “Luke is a fucking _man_ , Michael. He can’t get pregnant! That’s anatomically impossible!”

_Stop, stop, stop_ , a voice in my head started to scream as I buried my face in Michael’s chest, covering my ears with my shaking hands.

I didn’t want to hear them anymore; I didn’t want to listen to them accusing me of lying! Goddammit, I wished I was lying! How was I even supposed to handle this child, considering I was the lead singer of a rock band?

How was I supposed to accept the human inside me when even my bandmates didn’t believe me?

“Shhh, it’s okay, stop panicking!” I heard Michael’s soothing voice whisper right next to my ear. “It’s gonna be okay.”

However, I didn’t believe in his words.

How could it be okay? How could I ever be alright like this?

“Okay, can someone tell me what the fuck is going on right now?” Calum suddenly raised his voice, which sounded surprisingly calm.

Usually, his temper was a lot shorter than Ashton’s, but today he seemed to be the rational one of the two.

“Luke, why did you just say you are pregnant? As far as I know, men can’t get pregnant.”

“Well, they can,” Michael sighed deeply. “Or at least some of them. There aren’t many who can and even fewer who know about it, but, theoretically, male pregnancy is possible.”

“That’s crazy, absolutely crazy,” Ashton started mumbling again as Michael went to explain, “the doctor we went to told us that this isn’t common knowledge. However, Luke is one of those guys who can be impregnated.”

“But how is he going to give birth?” Calum asked with a frown. “You can’t tell me he’s gonna squeeze it out of his asshole.”

Even though his comment wasn’t meant to be funny, it made me giggle a bit while a slight blush coated my cheeks.

The panic in my chest had magically disappeared when Calum had shown the slightest sign of believing me – I figured my mood swings were caused by the hormones my body was producing.

“Oh my god, Calum Thomas Hood, you’re so stupid! Obviously, he’s going to get a C-section!” Michael replied, shaking his head and chuckling a little at my reaction.

It felt good to know he was still able to smile after all of this.

I pushed myself up so that my head wasn’t resting on his chest anymore and turned to Calum and Ashton.

“I promise I didn’t know I could get…pregnant. We would have used a condom if we had known!”

“I don’t blame you, trust me. But I don’t need to know more about the sex life of my best friend, either, alright?”

“Idiot,” I playfully slapped Calum and pouted even though my heart already felt a lot lighter. However, as soon as I saw Ashton’s face, I knew I hadn’t made it just yet.

“Hey, Ash,” I started as carefully and softly as possible, “what’s the matter? You can ask me or Mike anything, you know?”

“Sure.” The curly-haired boy nodded absently, playing with the ring adorning his finger. “I’m just… I’m just super confused. Why are men suddenly able to get pregnant?”

“Not suddenly,” I corrected him. “It’s been happening for some years already. The fact that some males can get pregnant just isn’t common knowledge.”

“But what are we supposed to do now? We can’t tell Modest – they don’t even know about you and Mike. But we can’t keep it to ourselves, either. They would notice at some point.” Ashton stared at his hands as he talked, so that it almost seemed like he was scared of my reaction.

Truth be told, I felt a pang in my chest while listening to him.

He was right after all – what were we supposed to do? I had absolutely no idea how to handle all of this right now and again it felt like everything was going to overwhelm me.

However, I chose not to say anything when Michael spoke up and stayed silent until our conversation was over, pondering.

I didn’t want my friends to suffer because of something that was technically my problem – _I_ was the person who was carrying the baby after all, and the one who needed to find a way to make it in the end.

Even though I had no idea how.

 

 

We continued to talk about the news for another half hour, until Dave called Ashton to tell us our driver was ready to take us to the venue. Michael and I showed Ashton and Calum the first sonograms, which Dr London had printed for us, even though you could barely recognise anything.

However, my heart would flutter a little whenever I looked at the picture – if it was caused by happiness or anxiety, I couldn’t tell.

But, despite all the collective positivity that came with looking at the first ‘band-baby’ (which didn’t quite reach my heart, though), none of us knew what to do next. Obviously, Michael and I couldn’t just tell our management, since they didn’t even know about our relationship.

To be honest, I didn’t want them or the fans to find out, either. The world might be slowly starting to accept gay people, but I didn’t want to see my name printed in the newspapers and I didn’t want to be afraid of all the homophobic people out there.

And hell, if I couldn’t even tell them about Michael and I, what was I going to say about the baby?

For now I just needed to hide it as well as I could and avoid letting it affect the band in any way.

 

 

I was pretty much exhausted already when we arrived at the venue, where we were greeted by Hey Violet, who had just come back from an interview. It was already 03:30 pm, meaning soundcheck was supposed to start in 30 minutes.

I really didn’t want to make the fans wait, but I couldn’t help but step towards the mirror on the wall as soon as I was alone in the dressing room. Slowly, I got rid of my jacket and the shirt covering my body, staring at my exposed torso with a frown.

My skin was soft and, much to my dismay, not at all tan but milky even, with a few small birthmarks. I had a little tummy, even though my pregnancy wasn’t supposed to be showing yet, but I knew I had never been the guy with the most defined abs.

“Luke?” I suddenly heard a voice call my name and jumped a little at the unexpected noise, blushing when I spotted Michael in the mirror. Hoping he hadn’t seen me pinch my chubby stomach, I backed off from the glass, covering my torso with my arms.

“Huh?”

“What are you doing?” my boyfriend asked and drew a little closer, carefully examining my reflection with his gaze. I gulped when I saw the way his eyes were travelling over my body and turned a little, not wanting him to notice all my flaws.

Having him observe me like this made me wonder if he was attracted to me on a physical level. He always told me I looked cute, but that was his job, since he was my boyfriend after all – but I couldn’t tell if he meant what he said.

Had he enjoyed being close to me the night our baby had been created?

I had never been more uncertain.

“You’re not showing already, are you?”

Michael approached me quickly and moved my hands away from my stomach, eyeing it as I stood there uncomfortably. His gaze seemed to burn on my skin and I wondered for how much longer he’d stand here before realising I wasn’t as beautiful as he always claimed.

“You’re not, thank god!” he decided after a while and even though I should have expected his answer, my heart ached at his words.

Now my questions had been answered – he didn’t want me to get even bigger. However, I couldn’t really blame him, since I didn’t want myself to, either. So maybe, I could work on this issue.

I swallowed hard again, turning around and grabbing my shirt, which had been placed on the couch behind me by one of our stylists. It was the striped one which the fans seemed to love and I was glad my clothes most likely wouldn’t disappoint them tonight, even though my form probably would.

“You ready?” Michael questioned after I had put on my black jeans, which weren’t as skinny as everyone thought yet still squeezed my huge thighs a lot. For a moment, I wondered if I should take Ashton’s, since they stretched more than mine, but quickly decided to keep mine as I didn’t want to draw additional attention on my lack of fitness.

“C’mon, they’re already waiting for us!” Michael told me as we left the dressing room and headed to the room right behind the stage where our instruments were kept.

Ashton and Calum were currently talking to Nia and Rena, who were still here for some reason, even though their own show started in less than two hours.

“Good luck!” the two girls wished us well when Michael and I had picked up our guitars, getting ready to go on stage any moment.

“Thanks!” we all replied just when our stage-manager told us we were on, sending us off to the stage.

Soundcheck went pretty well even though I couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous and skinny all the girls looked. A lot of them were wearing merch from the previous tour and I chuckled when I saw someone with a funny poster about Calum and me.

We played two songs and answered a few questions from the audience while Ashton kept talking about a YouTuber he had recently met somewhere. The fans seemed contended with what we did and I was, too, since my vocals had been mostly on point so far.

After the open soundcheck, we privately played a few songs.

When we were done rehearsing, we went back to the dressing room where we just hung out and watched TV. Calum disappeared after a while to watch Hey Violet’s performance, which resulted in Michael trying to make bets on the date our bassist would tell us he was dating Nia.

I just sat there and watched him in silence, occupied with my own thoughts. The baby was still topic number 1, but I also pondered a lot on finding a way to get fitter and lose a little fat.

The mirror scene had shown me just how Michael truly felt about me, and now I wanted to surprise him by working on my obvious flaws. Maybe, I’d feel better, too, then.

 

 

The show went well, too, and the people from Bristow turned out to be a good audience. I had a lot of fun and by the time we were heading off stage I was constantly smiling and giggling at everything Ashton and Michael said.

However, my good mood, which had, again, been caused by hormones, vanished as soon as I spotted the person who was waiting for me backstage with a deep frown on their face.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I mumbled to myself as the realisation hit me hard.

I had completely forgotten about her. After yesterday, I had only been thinking about my baby, but I had entirely forgotten about the person who had helped me find out about my pregnancy in the first place.

Quickly, I rushed over to the girl who was awaiting me.

“Arz, oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

“And now you finally remember I exist, too,” Arzaylea snarled, shooting metaphorical daggers at me. “I wasn’t so sure if you became invisible last night.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave!” I eagerly tried to assure her. “I was just… I needed some time alone.”

“And what did you think I was going to do?” she shot back, folding her arms in front of her chest. “You fucking left me alone after I told you. What was I supposed to think? I was done, Luke, _done_!”

“I’m so, so sorry!” I told her again as I placed a hand on her arm. “Please-“

“Don’t touch me!”

She swatted my arm away and continued to glare at me, which had to look funny, considering I was a lot taller than her - right then, I didn’t find it funny at all, though.

I kept asking myself what I had done.

She must’ve thought I didn’t accept her when I’d left, and I didn’t even want to imagine the pain my actions had to have caused her.

Why did I seem to screw up every single task I was given?

Hell, apparently, I couldn’t even console my friend.

“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Arzaylea hissed through gritted teeth, still glaring.

“I-“ I tried to defend myself, but was disrupted by Michael who had suddenly appeared beside me.

“Woah, you two, calm down a little! What’s the matter?”

“Your,” Arzaylea lowered her voice, “boyfriend decided to leave me alone after I told him I...something very important. He just disappeared although he’d promised he’d stay before!”

“I already told you, it absolutely caught me off guard. I just needed some time alone…”

“Yeah, but that’s not the point. You _promised_ , Luke, you promised you wouldn’t leave!”

My heart nearly broke at Arzaylea’s words, but I couldn’t do anything aside from looking at her and hoping she’d forgive me.

 “We had some complications yesterday night,” Michael said in an attempt to help me out. “Yeah, sure – and what about me? Can you even imagine what it felt like to come back from the bathroom and realise you are absolutely alone?!”

Arzaylea was still furious and didn’t seem like she was going to calm down anytime soon. Michael caught my gaze and his eyes seemed to ask, “are you going to tell her?”

Wordlessly I shook my head.

Right now wasn’t the right moment to tell her – she wouldn’t listen to me anyway.

“Look, I can only say it again: I’m sorry. I know it was a shitty move,” I tried again and this time, Arzaylea actually let me finish as she continued to glare at me.

“Okay, okay, I know I fucked up, too,” she finally answered in defeat. “This isn’t your fault. I’m just pissed off because you fucking forgot me, Luke.”

“Yeah, and I already told you I’m sorry.” I sighed and shook my head tiredly.

All I wanted to do was shower with Michael and then fall asleep. My feet were swollen and hurt like hell and my back wasn’t any better.

“And what are we supposed to do about…it?” Arz hesitantly asked after glancing at Michael, who was still standing beside me, and I realised she was talking about her own baby.

“I mean, we need to figure something out – I guess we need to tell Modest. They won’t be happy.”

“No, they won’t,” I agreed, too tired to actually worry about the fact that I not only had to hide my own pregnancy but lie to our management about having slept with Arzaylea in order to keep my sexuality a secret. “Are you sure?”

“A doctor confirmed it this afternoon,” Arzaylea told me. “I’m at 3 weeks, so we have some time left, but I’m not sure what to tell them.”

“Okay, but can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired and probably only talking shit.” As if on cue, I felt the sudden urge to yawn and turned to Michael afterwards, hiding my face in his sweaty shirt for a moment.

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Arz nodded at me, her face completely expressionless. “See you.”

Then she turned around and walked around, swinging her hips as confidently as always, yet I could tell by the slight hesitance in her steps that something was up.

Michael led me away to the showers where I let him wash the sweat off my drained body as I leaned against him.

His hands roamed over my skin gently as ever and I knew he tried to mind my stomach, which would soon be showing signs of the pregnancy, but I was far too tired to care.

The adrenaline in my veins had faded by now, and when Ashton and Calum asked me if I was going to join them in the club tonight, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, although I knew they were celebrating our drummer’s birthday.

Luckily, Michael decided to go back to the hotel with me and we ended up cuddling together on our king size bed, finally getting some sleep after the most exhausting two days I’d ever experienced in my life.

 

 

Do you know that moment when you wake up and there’s immediately one specific sentence on your mind?

For example, after losing my virginity I would get up in the morning and the first thing I thought was: _I had sex. I had sex with my girlfriend Aleisha._

Or the day when Michael and I met Good Charlotte – I instantly remembered as soon as I had woken up, already buzzing with anticipation.

Now, the morning after the eventful hospital visit was similar yet different somehow. Again, I immediately knew something was up.

_Arzaylea and I were apparently both pregnant._

However, I didn’t notice any anticipation at all – instead my stomach was filled with a sick, bubbly sensation, which could, admittedly, have been caused by morning sickness. However, it rather felt like my worry had transformed into a perceptible feeling.

I remained lying on my aching back, taking deep breath to fight the nausea, which worked surprisingly well. After I had made sure I wasn’t going to throw up at the slightest movement, I slowly sat up, my gaze wandering around until it came to rest on Michael’s sleeping figure next to me.

My boyfriend was still out like a light, one gorgeously skinny arm wrapped around mine in a protective matter as quiet snores escaped his parted lips. His blonde hair was a mess covering his forehead, revealing a few balding patches, but I didn’t worry too much because I knew it was probably going grow, now that he’d stopped dyeing it.

Michael snuffled a little and I smiled, suddenly feeling all warm inside.

_Can the baby feel it, too?_ I asked myself as I continued to gaze at my boyfriend longingly, admiring his beautiful features.

_Does the baby know how much I love Michael,_ its dad _?_

Even though I was still struggling to accept the fact that I had fucked up, that I had got pregnant, the thought made me smile. If Michael and I were becoming dads, I’d at least wanted our child to know how much we loved each other.

I continued observing my boyfriend in his sleep until he started to wake up. We had a little conversation before we decided to order some breakfast instead if joining the others downstairs. We both knew we couldn’t avoid them forever, but we wanted to enjoy the two hours that were left until we had to leave to travel to the next city.

Breakfast with Michael was probably the best thing that had happened to me in the last few days. We ate while chatting quietly, not specifically talking about the baby but never trying to avoid the topic either, to avoid creating any awkward tension.

I enjoyed cuddling with Michael a lot, even though his skinny stomach which was becoming quite ab-shaped made me feel a little self-conscious. However, eating just a little less of my breakfast than usual helped me get better quickly and I found myself in a very good mood today.

Finally, I felt like I’d _done_ something instead of simply pitying myself because of my flaws.

“Hormones were nice to you today,” Michael teased as we headed down the stairs with our suitcases to get on the bus, which was already waiting for us behind the hotel.

I just smiled to myself, happy that I had something to blame my occasional sadness on. At least I had a reason to feel like crying and didn’t have to worry about being superficial anymore, which was really nice, honestly.

However, of course my good vibe didn’t last longer due to the fact that I still had to work something out with Arzaylea. My ‘girlfriend’ was already on the bus when we arrived, glancing at me and discreetly motioning for me to come over.

Before I got the chance to, though, I was pulled aside by Michael.

“About Arz, actually,” he whispered into my ear, making shivers run down my spine, “I wanted to ask you yesterday, but you were too tired. But…the conversation you had after the show. And…the things you said.

“Please don’t tell me she’s talking about what I think she is?”

My heart broke when I looked into his hopeful green eyes, knowing my answer would only cause more problems for all of us. However, I could only nod.

“I guess so.”

“Oh fuck,” the guitarist cursed quietly, shaking his head. “So she’s pregnant?”

“She is,” I confirmed, surprised to hear that my voice was shaking a little. “She had a one night stand back in Los Angeles.”

“Dammit! But you’re not gonna tell her about…our baby, are you?”

“Not yet. I’d like to wait. I mean, people will- they’ll notice sooner or later, but I’d like to keep it to myself as long as possible.”

“So, are you gonna tell them her baby is yours?” Michael sent me a questioning glance as I shrugged, feeling a little troubled at the thought.

“I dunno. Haven’t figured it out yet. We were just about to anyway. Do you wanna join?”

“Gladly, thanks,” my boyfriend replied while he discreetly entwined our fingers, tugging at my hand a little. “Let’s go, _buddy_.”

A few moments later, I sat at the small table in the front area of the bus, fingers still intertwined with Michael’s while facing my fake girlfriend, Arzaylea.

“So, what do you suggest?” I asked bluntly, not wanting to make a fuss about it. I just really hoped she knew what to do because I had absolutely no idea.

“Hold on – does Michael even know about this?”

Arzaylea raised an eyebrow at my boyfriend who had been watching us silently so far. I quickly nodded, shamefully hanging my head.

“I just told him, but he mostly figured it out himself.”

“It’s okay, Luke, we’re cool,” Arzaylea assured me and I sighed in relief, facing her again as she kept talking. “I honestly don’t know what to do, really. Of course you didn’t impregnate me, we both know that, but everyone else doesn’t.

“We need to tell Modest as soon as possible, even though I think they’ll probably be pissed off for a while – they don’t really like the fact that you have a girlfriend, even if it’s a fake one, but dating me is still better…”

“…than being gay,” I finished for her.

I had said the latter sentence more times than I wanted to count. I had repeated it until I’d believed in the statement. Day and night I told myself that faking a relationship with Arzaylea was only for my own best.

Michael and I both knew the guys at Modest weren’t likely to accept a gay couple within the band – I still vividly remembered that one heated make-out session a few years ago and getting caught.

We had originally planned on telling the management that we were a couple and wanted to come out, but luckily Harry Styles, who’d been the one to catch us, had given us one advice: “Do not let them know about your relationship.”

To be honest, by now I was very grateful he had warned us before we could make any mistakes. We didn’t spend much time with him and his bandmates (excluding Niall), but everyone who had a functioning pair of eyes had been able to watch Harry and Louis Tomlinson fall apart like pieces of broken glass.

Modest had made them drift away from each other until they’d reached their breaking point, and seeing them deny everything they’d once had broke my heart. I didn’t want that for Michael and me. I just wanted to live.

Therefore, I’d taken Harry’s advice gladly. However, the only thing that seemed to guarantee Michael and I could stay together was pretending to be in a relationship with a girl – so I did that.

“So, the easiest thing to do would be telling them I’m carrying your child,” Arzaylea continued, interrupting my reverie. “As I said, we both know it’s not yours, but we could at least pretend for as long as necessary.”

I slowly nodded, briefly glancing at Michael before responding, “yeah, I guess that’d be the best. They can’t force you to have an abortion, anyway. But… Do you know where it’s from? Whose it is?”

“His name’s Jake,” Arzaylea mumbled, her voice barely audible. “He’s one of the people I hang out with when I’m in Los Angeles. He’s quite a cool guy.”

“Do you think he’ll support you? Are you even going to tell him?”

“Honestly, yes, if that’s alright.” The brunette looked around as if to check if anyone was eavesdropping before she turned back to me. “I’m not gonna tell him about you two. I’ll just say he was the only one I had unprotected sex with.

“Well, technically, I did use protection, but apparently my contraceptives didn’t work.”

“Life can be shitty sometimes,” I agreed, “especially when it comes to sex.”

“Hey!” Michael exclaimed as I deserved the punch I had already expected. “You won’t say that when I’ll fuck you senseless in the shower later!”

I shook my head at my boyfriend’s ridiculous behaviour as I felt a blush rise up on my cheeks, colouring them strawberry-red like the lip balm I had used this morning.

“Stop talking about sex, they don’t need to know!”

“Just speaking the truth, though, baby, just speaking the truth.”

“I really fucking hate you sometimes.”

“You’re delusional because of your hormones.”

“Shut u-“

“What hormones?”

“Uhhh, nothing…” I cleared my throat awkwardly as I gazed back at Arzaylea, who was staring at me, hoping she wouldn’t dig in her heels.

Luckily, she seemed to be content with my answer or just didn’t care enough. Instead of asking again, she checked the time on her phone.

“It’s 11:00 am,” she then stated. “When are we telling them?”

 

 

Thirty minutes later Arzaylea and I had got situated in front of my laptop, making sure we were facing the camera as we dialled our main manager’s number. We let it ring a few times, but after a while we decided he wasn’t going to pick up so we tried the next one, which happened to be the Modest-office.

This time answering the call didn’t take them long and soon a round table appeared on the screen, showing all the members of our management team.

“Uh, hello?” I greeted them after clearing my throat, awkwardly waving at the camera as their expressions changed from bored to surprised. “Long time, no see, huh?”

“We’re sorry this seems so random,” Arzaylea quickly took over, “but we actually have a problem over here. A very big problem.”

“What’s the matter, Mr. Hemmings?” someone asked, a heavy British accent evident in their voice. I frowned while looking at the screen of the laptop again, trying to make out who’d just spoken.

Recognising the guy, whose voice I already knew from many phone calls and meetings, was easier than I’d thought – I located his figure rather fast, watching him sitting directly opposite the camera which he was facing.

“Is there any problem with security?” a woman stepped into the conversation. “We already ordered more staff for the American leg of the tour.”

“No, security’s great!” I told them quickly. “Actually, the whole tour is amazing so far – especially thanks to the people who deliver the food. But anyway, this problem does only concern Arzaylea and me. We kind of- I don’t know how to put it, we…”

“I’m pregnant,” Arz cut me off, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she stared sassily into the camera. “I don’t wanna lie – we didn’t use protection and my pills didn’t work.”

Mouth hanging open, I gaped at my ‘Beard’-girlfriend, totally aghast at her bluntness. The mere thought of using such frank words in front of the people I worked with was enough to make my palms become sweaty and a blush coat my cheeks and neck once again.

Meanwhile, the people in the conference room had started chatting to each other zealously after Arzaylea’s announcement, as if they were trying to figure out what to do.

Their boisterous behaviour reminded me a bit of a buzzing swarm of bees – they seemed to be just as keen on working as the little animals. However, I knew they could be much more cruel and heartless.

“What the hell did you just say?” the man with the British accent asked when silence had taken over the conference room again.

“I’m pregnant,” Arzaylea told them with a shrug. “We just found out.”

“She’s right,” I timidly mumbled, looking at my fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“But, you do realise you signed a contract, don’t you?”

I was about to reply when Arzaylea beat me to it.

“Wait – he’s still allowed to have a girlfriend! What if I was fucking Aleisha McDonald? You wouldn’t complain, would you?”

“Yes, we would, Miss, and we aren’t complaining,” the British guy countered immediately, voice ice-cold. “Mr. Hemmings, may I remind you of the fact that you’ve reached a point where you can’t just go around and impregnate young women?”

“I know I made a mistake, I’m sorry!” I frantically told them. “Please!”

“We’ll just hide it,” Arzaylea added.

“Just hide it? Excuse me, this isn’t anything you can ‘just hide’! Mr. Hemmings is in a band and he has a job!”

I nodded weakly as my mind slowly drifted off and I stopped focusing on the conversation. My head was spinning with thoughts and suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I couldn’t _just hide_ my own child.

I couldn’t just walk around and perform with a baby bump, especially as the fans seemed to notice everything. But I couldn’t just ‘break up’ with Arzaylea, either – things would be way too obvious and management would ask a lot of questions.

I was so overwhelmed by my own thoughts and problems that I didn’t realise Arzaylea had stopped arguing with the Modest-people and the British guy was now glowering at me.

“You haven’t heard the last of this, Mr. Hemmings,” he spat before ending the call, leaving me staring at a pitch black screen with widened eyes until I felt two arms snake around my waist, pulling me up into someone’s chest.

Grateful for the affection which was surrounding my like an aura, I nuzzled my nose into Michael’s neck, taking in his scent.

“It’s okay,” I whispered against his pale skin, even though the words were directed at myself. “It’s all going to be okay.”

And I couldn’t have felt any better when I heard Michael’s whisper next to my ear, mumbling the answer only for me to hear, “yes, it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here I am, again!
> 
> I never realized I was this bad at updating until now - like, I even have the entire story written out, why don't I update more?!!?!!!
> 
> *casually pretends haikyuu and trickster aren't distracting me constantly*
> 
> Anyway, I hope you still enjoy this fic though. Comments and kudos are always appreciated :)
> 
> Well, otherwise, see you next week I guess.
> 
> Luna xx


	14. Chapter 14

_**Arzaylea** _

 

The ride to the airport was pretty uneventful, one could say, but I was actually too occupied with my own thoughts to notice what was going on around. Luke and Michael had withdrawn from anybody else as soon as I had ended the call with management, and I just couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something was wrong.

Well, other than the fact that Luke and I had to pretend I was pregnant with his child from now on.

I personally didn’t mind that much. Of course it was going to make things with the fans a lot more difficult, but I had dealt with it before and I was determined to do it again.

Growing up, I had never cared that much about other people’s opinions – whether I was debating with someone about our environment or getting hate on social media, it didn’t bother me a lot.

However, I knew Luke cared much more than I did, and that’s the reason I was worried. What if he decided to drop me and never talked to me again? It was probably selfish to think that, but my biggest concern right now was to find a way to make money and get my life sorted out.

During the last days, I had worked out that I couldn’t go on like before anymore. No matter if the baby was an accident or not, it didn’t deserve to have all its prospects taken away just because my life was screwed up.

Never had I ever even thought about questioning my lifestyle, but getting pregnant had helped me realize how stupid I had been all along. Partying and getting drunk, hell, getting pocket money from Instagram shouldn’t be the meaning of my existence!

I vividly remembered standing in the hallway in front of the doctor’s office’s door, holding the first real picture of my child, my baby, in my shaking hands as I desperately tried to think of anything I could give this little human.

The doctor’s appointment had really opened my eyes in many ways.

It had broken my heart when I’d realized that I didn’t feel love when I looked at the sonogram, at least not yet, and that all the lines on the form they’d given to me seemed to read problems and more problems.

The mere thought of having the child made me panic.

However, I had never once thought of getting an abortion – it didn’t matter how many worries this baby had already caused, I just couldn’t kill it.

The fact that it had already started changing my life drastically made it impossible for me to just erase its existence. No matter if I didn’t love it yet – I was sure that one day, I would.

And if I, Arzaylea Rodriguez, was determined to achieve something, there was no way I wouldn’t in the end.

Despite my determination, I felt like I was facing a dilemma, though – I knew that at the moment, I couldn’t afford living on my own, let alone care for another person, but I felt the sudden and desperate need to be able to support myself financially.

I didn’t care how much money Luke and his bandmates made per year because just the thought of living off my best friend made me feel like I was even worse of a person than I’d thought before.

I had to change – for the sake of my baby, at least.

 

 

The decision that I needed to get home was made very quickly. Before we were even near the airport I had already looked for plane tickets and got a cheap one. The wait of 21 hours, which I would have to overcome, didn’t matter as long as I got to go to Los Angeles and sort some things out.

I had already started making plans when the bus driver announced we were going to arrive at the airport shortly. I definitely would have to tell Jake, who was most likely the father of my child, but I wasn’t sure how he’d react to the news.

Having known him for over 3 years, I knew that he was quite an impulsive person and sometimes didn’t know how to control his angers. My heart started beating a little faster when I thought about the way I was going to tell him.

I couldn’t just walk into the club and confront him.

“Hey, I’m pregnant with your child.”

He probably wouldn’t believe me, especially when he was drunk, so I needed to find another way to meet up with only him.

I had pondered on this issue a lot since I’d been to the doctor’s, and even considered calling Mia and asking for Jake’s address, but I felt like I wasn’t quite ready to tell my friends yet – I needed to accept the fact that I was going to have a child myself first.

Luke and Michael only emerged again when we had already reached the Dulles International Airport. The two boyfriends were the last ones to leave the bus which had been parked in the security area of the airport.

Dave had already told the security about the band’s arrival and I could see a few brawny men making sure the parking lot was completely safe.

“I need to talk to you,” I told Luke as soon as he’d got out of the vehicle.

“What’s the matter?” he asked in a surprised tone, but his eyes gave away that he already knew.

“I gotta go,” I answered after leading him away from the group of security staff and band members so that we had a little more privacy. “I gotta go and find the baby’s father.”

“I thought you knew who did it,” Luke replied with a frown, but I shook my head.

“Sure I do, but I wanna tell him. He needs to know.”

“And…are you gonna come back?”

His blue eyes widened a little as they stared into my own brown ones, as if he was trying to read my mind. I was a little confused when I noticed his hands looked quite shaky and he was constantly gnawing at his bottom lip in a nervous manner.

Something definitely was up with him – and I was yet to find out the reason why he was behaving oddly.

However, I decided to keep my mouth shut and went to reply to his question instead, “yes, I will come back at some point, but I need to sort some stuff out.”

“What stuff?”

“Just stuff…” I could feel a blush creep up on my face as I tried to avoid answering his question properly.

Even though we both knew about me having neither prospects nor a job, I found it embarrassing to openly talk about my (non-existent) education.

I knew I had to change my life as soon as possible, yet knowing I would have to live off Luke until I was capable of earning money on my own made me feel self-conscious.

“Alright,” the blonde singer replied after a while of silence. “Have you already booked a ticket?”

“Yeah, I have,” I confirmed. “I’ll stay here at the airport; my plane takes off in 21 hours. I’ll just rest till then, I guess.”

“I hope you don’t mind waiting that long,” Luke told me. “You know, you could take a private check, but organizing a flight would take a while and…”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’ll be fine,” I cut him off. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“But-“

“No ‘but’s, Lucas. Do you want me to get mad?” I jokingly pulled an angry grimace and Luke giggled quietly at my expression, covering his mouth to keep the cute high-pitched gasps from escaping his lips.

“I’ll miss you, you know?” he told me when he’d finally stopped laughing. “You are always so confident – I feel like you already taught me a lot about confidence.”

“Yeah, but I’ll be back,” I responded with a small smile. “I’ll be back in no time.”

To know Luke still liked me, even after I had screwed up so badly, made me feel warm and happy inside. Although I had made the huge mistake of not using protection, he still looked up to me and wanted me to stay with him, despite the baby making things a lot more difficult.

I was his fake girlfriend, I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant, and yet Luke Hemmings, who was probably one of the most kind-hearted people I knew, wasn’t mad at me.

And maybe this time he could be the one teaching me how to do all of this without drowning in problems.

 

 

I had to say goodbye to Luke and his bandmates soon because their flight was announced. I knew they’d be going off to Mansfield, MA while I would return to Los Angeles to talk to Jake and change my life.

It felt weird to be waiting for my plane completely alone and I realized it had been ages since I’d last travelled on my own. Back when I was in high-school, I used to travel around during holidays, visiting random places all over the world.

I had never known what I felt like to be poor, to have no money – my father owned a company that was producing headphones and a lot of people wanted me to promote their brands.

However, I had never really worked and earned money. If anything, the photo-shootings had been fun and if I wanted to buy something, I just had to ask my dad for money – but now I wanted to get a proper job.

As a mother, I was supposed to be a responsible person.

Maybe I could become a teacher, I thought as I sipped the coffee I had bought at Starbucks. I would have to go to university first, but then I could apply for a job at a local high school and teach kids how to add and multiply.

Well, being a Math teacher wasn’t exactly most likely to happen since I’d always been bad at calculating, but the thought of teaching Arts & Crafts or Politics was quite nice. I had always loved drawing and lately, I’d been becoming pretty interested in politics as well.

I spent the next few hours of my wait dreaming of a new life and trying to figure out how to get accepted at university. Considering I was only 21, it shouldn’t be that difficult, but my grades had never been the best and I had hardly passed my finals.

My flight to Washington ended up being delayed, but I didn’t mind that much. Over the hours, a few people had come up to me and asked for a picture, which I had gladly accepted.

Although I was still preoccupied by my worries, interacting with people who I knew were accepting me finally made everything a little better.

I was pretty tired already when my plane was finally announced and I headed to the security check, glad that I didn’t have to carry my baggage anymore.

Almost as soon as I’d sat down on my plane seat, I was already out like a light, trapped in a deep and dreamless sleep for the next 2 hours.

 

 

“Oh, dammit- What the fuck?”

Loud curses rang out to me from the front door as I forced my eyes open, needing a few moments to regain control of my body. My mind was still clouded over with sleep and the weird dreams that had been haunting me since I’d found out about the baby.

It took me a few seconds to figure out that I wasn’t on the plane anymore but in my (technically, Luke’s) apartment instead, resting on the bed where I had fallen asleep as soon as I’d gotten there.

The memories of landing and my short stay at the LAX were only a blur and I realized I must have been very tired and jetlagged due to spending 21 hours awake previously. Now I felt fine, though, if anything I was slightly hyper, although it had already turned 7:00 PM.

I didn’t know how many hours I’d been asleep, but I reckoned it had been quite a few.

“Hello?” the voice penetrated into my room again, interrupting my thoughts and reminding me of the reason why I’d woken up.

I slowly sat up, a frown forming on my face as I attempted to recognize the person who had somehow managed to get into the flat. However, I only realized it was my friend Mia when she shouted again, “Arz? Is that you?”

I quickly stood up and hurried through the dark, opening the door to be met with the sight of my best friend standing in the middle of the hallway.

“Hi?” I sheepishly greeted her, not knowing what to tell her if she asked why I’d come back without telling anyone.

“Arz, sweetie, what are you doing here! I didn’t know you’d come back so soon!” Mia squealed as she rushed towards me and pulled me into a tight hug. “Why didn’t you tell me, babe?”

I shrugged and gasped a little when her embrace became even tighter, struggling to inhale. “I- uh… I’m not gonna be staying long. I just need to sort out some things.”

“Okay?” Mia let go of me and examined me with her gaze.

The confusion was clear on her face, but I didn’t plan on telling her anything about the baby and Jake – no matter if she was my best friend, I didn’t know if I could trust her with this. And I definitely couldn’t risk anything right now.

“So, are you up for tonight?” she luckily changed the topic, gesturing at her own dress which ended three inches above her knee and nicely complimented her curvy form. Nonetheless, I realized it was much shorter than the one she’d worn the last time I’d seen her, and her make-up was a lot flashier also.

However, I decided not to drop any comment and answered, “actually, I don’t know… I originally came here to-“

“Oh, c’mon, Arz!” Mia disrupted my speech. “We haven’t seen you in weeks and now you’re not even up for a party? What happened? Did the sub change you that much? I always knew he was typically middle-class…”

“Shut up, Lukey is not middle-class!” I immediately went to defend the blonde who I was kind of protective towards. I just couldn’t help but feel like Luke couldn’t really deal with things like hate or criticism – I just had the urge to protect him from the bad crowd like a little brother.

“God, calm your tits, Arz, I didn’t mean to offend anyone!” Mia quickly backed off. “But still – you can’t just cancel on us – well, technically, you aren’t even supposed to be here, but still… It’s gonna be great.”

“I don’t know, Mia…”

I was still not sure what to do. On the one hand, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get drunk anyway, since I had no intention on killing my baby, but on the other hand, the club was the only place where I could meet Jake without having to ask for his address.

“Okay, I’m coming,” I decided after a few moments of silence. “But I don’t know what to wear!”

“No problem!” my friend exclaimed excitedly as she clapped her hands. “We’re gonna find the perfect outfit for you, babe! Follow me!”

Two minutes later we were both standing in front of my wardrobe, looking over all the dresses I had collected over the years.

“How about this one?” Mia asked as she picked up a short black dress with a golden belt and a nice, low neckline.

However, I shook my head at the piece of clothing, not feeling like wearing anything similar to it.

“I think I’ll just go for a nice pair of jeans and a crop-top or something. I don’t feel like dressing up that much.”

“If you say so…”

Mia looked a little disappointed when I ended up with a pair of grey pants with holes and some fancy top Luke had bought me once. Nonetheless, my friend kept her mouth shut and watched me get dressed before announcing, “now I’m gonna do your make-up and hair! Right now you look hideous, but we’ll fix that!”

Exactly 20 minutes later, we exited Luke’s apartment, both wearing lipstick and beautifully worked eyeshadow. I had quickly grabbed a bag and put my phone inside, along with my powder, lipstick, mascara and a pack of tissues.

During the ride to the club, Mia kept talking and told me about what had been going on while I’d been away.

“Dude, you missed so much!” she pointed out at least a thousand times. “Logan was so stoned he almost got hit by his own car and Crystal kept talking shit about Michael.”

I absently nodded at her speech, not really paying attention. I already knew Crystal Leigh, one of our friends, was hoping to get together with Michael, but little did she know he was whipped for his bandmate.

I didn’t exactly dislike her and had invited her to join me on tour in the first place, but I disapproved of the way she talked about Luke and Michael. Her passion for the latter guy was more than obvious and she clearly didn’t care about anyone else.

However, I was sure Michael wouldn’t dare think about leaving his Luke, judging from the way they looked at each other and their little whimpers and moans that could sometimes be heard in the front area of the bus, too.

I was kind of surprised that the queue in front of the club wasn’t particularly long when the driver pulled up next to the building, demanding his payment. Mia handed him a twenty dollar bill and a few coins before joining me in front of the club entrance.

“I bet the others are already in there,” she told me as we waited to be let in by the doorman, who observed us for a few moments before deciding we were old enough to enter the club.

“That time I went to a club in Sydney with Luke, he was the only one who didn’t have to show his ID,” I pointed out once we were inside the building, being welcomed by loud music and booming basslines.

However, while Mia still flinched a little at the loud noise I shrugged it off. I had grown used to loud music whilst touring with Luke and his bandmates – and their performances were certainly louder than the songs that were playing here.

“Arz!” a familiar voice rang out to me and I was greeted by a tight hug from my _very best_ friend Pat.

“What are you doing here?” her annoyingly high-pitched and obviously fake voice squealed right next to my ear and for a moment I was caught up in a weird déjà-vu.

The situation strangely reminded me of the night a few weeks ago when I’d last been here with my friends, when I’d hung out with Corey, when I’d been fucked Jake…

I gulped hard, trying to fight back the memories as I flashed a fake smile and held on to Patricia for a moment.

“I decided to get back earlier!” I told her just loudly enough to make sure everyone had heard me.

“Arzaylea!” I was now greeted by Corey, who ran over to me like an excited puppy that was maybe the slightest bit drunk. “I missed yoooouuu. You know, those parties just aren’t the same without you!”

“Are you hitting on me, Robinson?” I teased him and he pouted cutely. “I’d never – despite Luke Hemmings not being competition at all.”

“Right.”

I shook my head at my friend’s behavior. I knew that he actually admired Luke a lot and would never dare steal what he thought was his girlfriend – he had felt very guilty after we’d slept with each other a few months ago and even considered telling Luke and apologizing.

Luckily, I had been able to stop him from doing that, but I knew he wouldn’t try to hit on me again.

“C’mon, Arz, I really need a drink!”

Before I knew it I was roughly dragged towards the counter by Mia, who had apparently decided to start drinking already. She quickly ordered her drink and turned to me afterwards, a questioning look on her face.

We awkwardly stood there for a few moments, facing each other until she started moving her head around weirdly.

“Huh?” I stared at her, trying to figure out what she wanted to do.

“Order!” she commanded.

“What?”

“Order! Your drink!”

“Oh…” I trailed off, not knowing what to tell her. “Actually, I’ll wait a bit till I have my first one. I’ll just…uh…go over there and hang out with Corey.”

“Fine!” my best friend huffed, obviously not amused by my decision, but she didn’t try to talk me into buying a drink. Instead, she waited for her order silently and stormed off as soon as the bartender had handed it over, getting lost in the dancing crowd.

I slowly backed off as my eyes searched for a spot where I could wait for Jake. So far, I hadn’t spotted him here, but I was sure he was going to turn up sooner or later – I just needed to ask for his address.

After a few seconds, I decided to make my excuse reality by joining Corey, who was standing a few inches away, drunkenly giggling at the sloppy and clumsy dance-moves of the crowd.

“You’re enjoying yourself,” I pointed out when I’d stopped beside him, waiting for the slightly inebriated guy to take notice of me.

“Hello, Arz, my old friend!” he exclaimed and chuckled at the song reference. “Looks like I’ve come to talk with you again!”

“More like I’ve been coming to talk with you,” I answered. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, better than ever!” the male giggled as he attentively watched his own fingers, as if there was nothing more interesting than the dirt beneath his nails.

“And what brought you here? I thought you were on tour with your lovely boyfriend.”

“I was, but I needed to sort some things out.” I decided to use my old excuse again to make my story believable. “Do you know if Jake’s here, yet?”

“No, as far as I know. What do you want from him?”

“Oh, I just need to talk to him.”

“I don’t think he’s gonna show up, he hasn’t been here for a while actually,” Corey told me and I could feel my heart sink. What was I supposed to do now?

“D-Do you know his address by any chance?” I tentatively asked, afraid to arouse my friend’s curiosity.

However, he seemed too drunk to think about the background of my request and carelessly answered, “’course I know – goddammit, he has one fancy house.”

“And where is it located?” I questioned as I felt excitement build up inside my chest. “Can you tell me, please?”

“Sure I’ll tell you, Arzey, I’m your friend after all!”

“Great! Can you hold on for a sec, I gotta get my phone!”

I quickly rummaged through my back, sighing in relief when I felt the familiar coldness of the missing device touch my hand.

“There we go! So?”

Corey cleared his throat dramatically, straightening his back before blubbering out an address which was apparently Jake’s. I could tell he was pretty drunk by now by the way he was slurring his words a little, and I could just hope he wasn’t too intoxicated to answer my question correctly.

However, the name of the street he’d mentioned sounded like a place where Jake would actually live, so I was positive Corey’s drunken state wasn’t affecting his mind that much yet.

I stayed with the guy for a while and entertained myself by observing his clumsiness.

My mood was dampened by Mia, though, who kept coming up to us to ask me if I was going to order my first drink anytime soon. I ditched her every time, but I was aware of the fact that she was going to have enough soon.

I was so right – after the fourth time I’d told her I didn’t want a drink she didn’t leave but glared at me instead, raising her voice so that everyone, including Pat and some guy making out with her in a corner of the room, could hear her say, “you’re no fun anymore! Why won’t you stop being a pussy and order a fucking drink?!”

“Are you insane, Mia?!” I sassed back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “You can’t just _force_ me to drink anything! What’s _wrong_ with you?”

“Really, now you blame me for wanting to have a little fun with my best friend?” Mia shouted angrily. “We used to get so drunk we couldn’t walk anymore! I just want you to stop acting strange and order a goddamn drink!”

“And what if I don’t want to get drunk?!”

“That’s bullshit, Arz, you always wanna get drunk! That’s the whole purpose of these fucking evenings! You sound like you’re pregnant or something.”

As soon as the p-word had left my best friend’s lips, I froze. I couldn’t move anymore, only stare at her as Mia went on with her rant, still oblivious to the amount of truth her words held.

“Yeah, you know what? That’s right! You sound like there’s a little bastard growing inside of you!”

That hurt.

Usually, I wouldn’t let hate get to me, but right then, I felt like my whole world was shattered when I heard my friend insult the little innocent baby she didn’t even know about. If she’d only talked about me, it probably wouldn’t have hurt that bad, or I would’ve been able to shake it off and forget about the tears pricking in the corners of my eyes.

But hearing her call my child a bastard smashed my heart on the ground, causing it to break into a million little pieces.

I didn’t even realize I had stood there frozenly for a sheer eternity until Mia spoke up again, her voice lower yet more vicious this time.

“I’m right, ain’t I? You’re pregnant – and it’s probably not even your boyfriend’s child!”

“You-“ I started but cut myself off as I suddenly felt like I was going to collapse.

My whole body started shaking ever so slightly when a million people seemed to be approaching me all of a sudden, talking in hushed voices that could yet drown out the music.

“Is that true?”

“You’re pregnant?”

“That’s pathetic!”

‘Stop!’, I wanted to scream when the questions became rarer and the insults took over, but my voice seemed to have left my body like a ghost, leaving pure nothing behind.

It was funny how I only remembered Victoria Whitmore back then. She used to be a friend of us once and went out with us a lot. However, one day she disappeared and when she came back, she refused to smoke and drink.

A week later, we found out she was pregnant and the group ended up slut-shaming her. It was like they accepted one-night-stands, but despised the consequences. A child was something that could destroy their undamaged little world that only consisted of champagne, cocaine and gasoline quite literally.

They weren’t used to having pregnant people around and that was probably why they banned everyone who made the mistake of not using protection.

Kids were cancer – that was one of the most important rules for them.

However, I still couldn’t believe how many faces were filled with pure disgust as they all looked at me, quietly hissing insults or mumbling to each other. I felt exposed, vulnerable, like a deer caught in the headlights, and there was no way I could defend myself right now.

I wanted to cry because I felt so alone and misunderstood, but at the same time I felt the urge to break into laughter.

Hadn’t I gone along with them shaming Victoria? Hadn’t I laughed at her, wondering how someone could possibly be this stupid and get pregnant during a one-night-stand?

Now I was in the exact same situation, ironically, and got to know what it felt like to be facing the iron wall of people that I had considered friends half an hour ago.

Their bodies were looming over me, gazes fixated on my face and taking in every change in my expression as if they felt the need to remember every single detail about this situation so they could later laugh about me.

I knew the only thing I could do right now was run. And that’s what I did.

I clutched my bag to my chest and ran, making my way through the crowd and storming off, out of the club and into the night as if the devil himself was haunting me.

Those people weren’t my friends anymore, I realized, if anything they had just turned into enemies.

They knew about my baby. They were disgusted.

Even though most of them didn’t know, they had achieved power, control. They could basically destroy my existence by telling on me.

All I could do right now was hope that the smart ones among them had a little bit of kind-heartedness left and decided to leave me alone.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Arzaylea** _

 

I cried a lot that night, even though I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything else. However, I hadn’t thought my friends were going to find out about the baby that soon.

What probably hurt the most was the fact that it had been Mia who had first insulted my child, who had basically pushed me off the cliff.

I had really believed I could trust her, but now it seemed like she wasn’t any better than all the others.

Though in an emotional state, I somehow picked myself up from my bed and took a shower in the morning. My head hurt a lot and there were deep bags under my eyes, but this time I wasn’t hungover, just heartbroken.

Two words starting with the same letter – how ironic.

After last night, I was convinced I could just walk up to Jake’s house and spill the news to him – his reaction couldn’t be worse than what I’d experienced only hours ago, and, with the hurtful memory being so present, I was determined I would survive anyway.

Knowing I’d still have Luke, no matter what happened, kind of helped me get over my friends, even though I didn’t really get _over_ them. Nonetheless, it made everything better and less sucky.

Part of me wished the blonde singer was with me when I walked to the underground car park to get into my own car for the first time in what felt like years. I’d forgotten how satisfying it could be to twist the ignition key and hear the engine roar like a wild animal obeying my order.

The texture of the steering wheel felt good beneath my fingers and I happily drove out of the underground parking lot, finally letting my vehicle see the sun again. My phone was lying on the passenger seat, _Google Maps_ open, so that I could check where I had to go every once in a while.

The area where Jake was supposed to live wasn’t difficult to find, actually, even though it was further away from downtown than Luke’s flat. However, I had no problems recognizing the name of the street when I passed a sign.

I noticed that huge villas were towering to both my right and my left side, beautifully constructed houses with huge gardens and blue swimming pools. Remembering what Corey had told me about Jake, I started wondering if he’d been understating.

It truly looked like Jake’s business was running even better than I’d thought before.

I soon reached the street number Corey had told me yesterday and parked my car on the side of the road, making sure to look it before carefully making my way across the avenue. The gate of Jake’s house wasn’t hard to find, considering it was the most overdone and probably also the most intimidating one within a radius of 30 miles. Slowly and cautiously, I walked up to the entrance and eyed the bell button.

I couldn’t find any name, but I figured Jake didn’t want to put it up there – Luke and Michael had decided against showing their surnames as well, which I could totally understand since their fans were better at finding out addresses than Sherlock Holmes.

For some reason, they always managed to know the persons who used to hang around with me and had some stuff to tell the world.

I sighed when I pressed the button, feeling slight anxiety bubble up in my stomach as I nervously waited for an answer. I just hoped this was actually Jake’s home – anything else would be far too awkward.

However, it turned out I had written down the right address, even though it wasn’t Jake who answered the door a few seconds later. Instead, a very familiar voice suddenly came through the loudspeaker.

“Hello?”

I took me a few moments to actually comprehend what was going on. Why the hell was Hayley, my friend, answering Jake’s door for him? What was she doing at his place?

I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest, yet I knew I wasn’t feeling jealous for myself but for my unborn child. No matter how old it was and how many weeks of pregnancy were still left, its father shouldn’t be fooling around with other woman.

I awkwardly cleared my throat in an attempt to mask my anxiety, answering, “this is A-Arzaylea. Is Jake at home?”

“Arz, this is Hayley!” the female cheered. “He isn’t there yet, but I think he’ll come home soon. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Actually, yes,” I confirmed as I nodded my head. I did realize Hayley couldn’t see me, but nonetheless, the gesture just seemed natural to me.

“Alright, I’ll let you in. Hold on!”

While I was still wondering why Hayley had trusted me so easily, the gate slowly started to slide open, allowing my gaze to wander across the garden and the path that led to the actual house.

It was broad enough for two cars and I felt tiny when I started walking, occasionally shooting glances at the intimidatingly tall palm trees which were lining the street. My soles made a crunching sound when touching the sandy ground, but I tried not to wince at the unpleasant noise which was just adding to my discomfort.

I was soon distracted by a squeal ringing out to me, anyway.

“Arz! C’mere, I’m here!”

I looked up to see Hayley stand in front of the door, waving at me crazily.

“I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years!”

“Yeah, Hal, me too,” I answered in an attempt to please her as I let my hug wash over her, clutching the bag in which I kept my sonograms tightly to my chest. “I haven’t been here in a while.”

“Oh, Jake already brought you here?” the quirky woman asked in a confused tone, smoothing back a few strands of blonde hair.

“Oh, no,” I quickly corrected her, “I mean I haven’t been to Los Angeles in a while. Well, technically it’s only been a few weeks, but it feels like so much more…”

“Come in, please!” Hayley told me. “Jake is gonna be here soon! Do you need anything?” “Uh…a glass of water doesn’t sound bad, actually,” I responded with a smile, keeping the fact that I was craving peanuts and BBQ-sauce at the moment to myself.

I couldn’t just tell Hayley I was pregnant, not after what I’d experienced last night. I didn’t need any more people to know about this, honestly.

“Here you go,” Hayley told me when she handed me my water after leading me into the kitchen, which was huge by the way.

“Let’s take a seat!”

She gestured at the chairs that were standing in front of a fancy-looking breakfast bar and I gratefully sat down.

My feet already hurt from the little walking I’d done – I guess one disadvantage of being pregnant were swollen joints.

“So, what are you doing here?” I asked Hayley. “Did Jake invite you over?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” The blonde woman slowly took a seat beside me as she observed me with her green eyes. “I’m living here, too.”

“So, you’re like roommates?” I raised an eyebrow, pretending to be curious although I had already guessed her answer. “No, we’re together.”

_Dammit,_ a little voice in the back of my head shouted and I swallowed hard, but tried to hide my dismay.

“Uh, that’s great!”

“Yeah, I know, he’s such a sweet guy! I never thought he’d make a good boyfriend, but he’s such a gentleman and-“

Hayley’s rambling was suddenly disrupted by the noise of an opening door, followed by a familiar voice, “Hal, babe? I’m home.”

I immediately froze when I recognized Jake, my eyes glued to the door as I felt my heartbeat rapidly pick up on speed.

What was I supposed to tell Jake? I couldn’t just bluntly say it out loud, could I? What if he didn’t believe he was the father?

At this moment, I was glad I had brought the sonograms to prove my theory because otherwise, there would be a high chance of Jake getting mad and kicking me out. Well, he’d probably get mad anyway, but at least I still had some hope left.

Maybe, just perhaps, this could all work out somehow.

“We’re in the kitchen!” Hayley yelled back as I listened to the steps of the person outside approaching the kitchen.

“Who’s we?”

“Oh, Arzaylea’s over. She wanted to talk to you.”

“Arzaylea?”

The kitchen door swung open and Jake’s head appeared, soon followed by his muscular dark figure. He looked like he had been working out even more since I’d last seen him, but perhaps I just didn’t know what he looked like normally – I had only seen him under the neon lights of the club after all.

“Hi,” I awkwardly greeted him, shifting uncomfortably when I felt his eyes roam across my tan skin. It felt like it had been so long since he’d looked at me like this, but in reality barely a month had passed since the one-night-stand had happened.

“So, I gotta go upstairs and do some stuff,” Hayley joined in. “You two can talk in the meantime, alright?”

Without waiting for an answer, the girl got up from her chair and walked over to the door, disappearing from our sight.

When she was gone, Jake slowly started walking over to her chair and sat down on it, eyeing me quietly. The kind of silence filling the room wasn’t of a good kind and seemed to be crushing both of us as it rested on our shoulders like a heavy weight.

A few times, I was just about to speak up, but when I opened my mouth I didn’t know what I wanted to say anymore. Jake and I gazed at each other for what felt like an hour until he eventually spoke up, “so, you wanted to talk to me?”

“Uh-huh.” I nodded and cleared my throat, trying to hide the hoarseness of my voice that came with the anxiety in my stomach.

Jake got a little closer and I had to fight the urge to back off, but stayed where I was – I wasn’t going to show any of my feelings anymore. I had realized that letting others know made me weak.

“Arz…” Jake started quietly. “If this is about…what happened a month ago, you can just go already. There’s nothing to talk about – I’m taken, I’m living a happy life and I don’t need you to intervene. That night didn’t mean anything.”

“I know,” I answered emotionlessly. “It didn’t mean anything. But there’s something we gotta talk about. Can Hayley hear us right now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Can she hear our conversation?”

“I don’t know.” Jake turned around, brow knitted, and yelled, “Hal, baby?”

However, everything stayed silent.

“See, she’s upstairs. She can’t hear us,” the dark man concluded, nervously tapping on the table with his fingers. “So, what’s the matter?”

“Well…” I swallowed as I tried to calm the hurricane inside my chest that made me feel like I might throw up any moment. Stupid morning sickness, I thought to myself, struggling to keep myself from barfing all over Jake, who turned around ever so slowly, looking at me with furrowed eyebrows.

“What, Arzaylea?” he asked in a sharp voice that caused me to flinch away.

He looked so dark and intimidating – what if he hit me? I was just a woman, a pregnant woman, and despite being someone who never was afraid of men I suddenly felt very small.

“I’m pregnant,” I squeaked, squeezing my eyes shut. “I’m so sorry, Jake! I didn’t want this to happen!”

“What the fuck?!” Jack yelled at me while I shrunk on my chair, trying to make myself appear as small as possible. “You told me you were using protection and now you come back and tell me you’re fucking pregnant?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“Please, stop yelling,” I cried out as tears welled up in my eyes. “Please, I didn’t mean to. The pills didn’t work, I don’t know why. I just want my child to…I want them to have a future! Please, Jake, I wouldn’t have come here if it weren’t for the baby!”

“No, no, no…” Jake quietly mumbled to himself, shaking his head. “No, it can’t be, you can’t be pregnant! You have a fucking boyfriend! Does he know about this?!”

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s with…”

I was about to answer but trailed off what I had just given away.

“No, no, no, Jake, you can’t tell anyone, he’ll help. But please keep quiet!”

“Well, you want me to keep what you just said to myself?”

I could practically hear the smirk in Jake’s voice, but I refused to look up and remove my hands from my face. I could feel myself tense up at the man’s tone.

Never had I heard him talk like this before – his entire aura seemed to have altered from carefree and happy to evil, malicious even. I felt my stomach turn with anxiety, making me nauseous.

I could just hope my distress wouldn’t hurt the baby.

“You want me to keep it to myself,” Jake repeated evilly. “Well, it’s quite easy for you. As long as Hayley and the others don’t find out you’re apparently carrying my child, I won’t say anything.

However, as soon as anyone finds out, whether you tell them or not, I’ll tell everyone about your lie. You and that guy, Larry or something, screwed up pretty bad, didn’t you? I wonder who he’s with… But there will surely be people who can figure it out.”

“B-But what if the baby…looks like you? No one will believe it’s actually Luke’s!”

“Well, Arz,” Jake smirked. “That’s none of my business. Now leave this building or your secret may accidentally slip out of my mouth.”

Shakily I stood up, reaching for the table to support my weight as I looked at the guy I once considered my friend – it only now dawned on me that I didn’t know anything about him or any of the people I’d hung out with.

I’d never realized they weren’t as sincere and nice as I had expected them to be. Now I was fucked and it was far too late to change anything…

I left the room without another word, slowly wandering down the hallway towards the front door. Jake didn’t seem to plan on following me, luckily, and I was about to quietly sneak out of his mansion my kid would never grow up in when suddenly someone called my name.

I spun around, eyeing Hayley who had appeared at the other end of the corridor, a smile on her face. If only she knew – she wouldn’t look at me the same and neither at Jake…

“Are you leaving already?” she asked, but I couldn’t make out her voice over the sound of the waves of guilt crashing over me. I nodded mutely, not being able to look her straight in the eye.

I felt so bad for causing all this drama – it was likely she was going to find out sooner or later and I didn’t want to see her reaction and the change in her attitude towards me.

“Well, bye then. I hope Jake treated you well. He can be a bit grumpy sometimes, but I’ve grown used to it since I moved in with him two months ago-“

“Wait, pardon? How long have you been living with him?”

“Two months. It’s crazy how fast time is passing by, ain’t it? Anyway, why d’ya wanna know?”

“J-just wondering…” Hayley’s answer just made me feel even sicker to my stomach because of the confirmation that came with it.

Not only was I carrying Hayley’s boyfriend’s child, but he had also cheated on her with me – and I had no idea how to handle this new issue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's me again ^^
> 
> Looks like Arz is in trouble, huh? Next chapter is gonna have more muke (and the only smut scene I've ever written if I'm not mistaken, so beware).   
> On another note, I don't know if I talked about this already, but I recently went to England and it was just the greatest thing ever. Even the flights went well (which says a lot since I have aerophobia).   
> Anyway, currently, I'm trying to get into the mood to start a new fanfic and manage all of my headcannons for random sport animes. [ALSO THERE'S GONNA BE NEW FREE! THIS YEAR I'M SCREAMING]. Yup, I'm a slut for the Iwatobi boys.  
> There, I guess I'll stop annoying you now and go back to hell (aka watching Trickster) :) Have a good day!
> 
> Luna xx


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your local trash can is back with a new chap! to skip the smut, stop reading at the ****** and resume after the second row of *****. pls don't judge the smut part too hard, i hardly ever read scenes like that and i certainly don't write it a lot, so it's probably cringe asf. thx.

_**Luke** _

 

Time went by rather fast during the next few weeks. My birthday came almost unnoticed and I was kind of surprised when Ashton, Calum and, of course, Michael asked me how I wanted to spend the day.  
Luckily, I had a good excuse to avoid the club, since three fourth of the band were still underage, including me. So I just told them to do whatever they wanted – to be honest, I just wanted to spend some quality time with Michael and play a good show.  
During all of that, it was hard to get my mind off the fact that I was actually expecting a child.   
I had another appointment with Dr Simons and our regular doctor Mr. Kenzie, who informed me about the risks that came with being pregnant.  
Being a male, there was a high chance of miscarriage and they also told me symptoms like violent morning sickness, the swelling of feet and Braxton Hicks were more common in men than in women.  
Michael had promised a thousand times to help me through the pregnancy and all of its symptoms, but I didn’t want to cause him any distress. In the past, he’d been struggling with depression and the last thing I wanted to do was see him in the worrysome state he was in last year again.  
Therefore, I kept as quiet as possible about any symptoms I was experiencing.  
Also, Arzaylea being back on tour for my birthday only added to the fact that I was very stressed out these days.   
We still got along, but I felt bad for not telling her about my pregnancy just because I was scared, especially as she was the one who had to deal with most of the hate we were (still) getting for being together.  
However, the internet was pretty much filled with positivity due to the release of Girls Talk Boys. I had almost forgotten about the song because of how much drama had been going on lately, but it was nice to know the fans still loved our music.  
When we had first recorded the song, I’d been so proud of my vocals, and even though such little things seemed irrelevant compared to the baby issue, seeing the fans appreciate my hard work made me happy.  
One day before my birthday, which also happened to be the date we released the song, we played a sold out show at Madison Square Garden. It was hard to get rid of the negative thoughts that had been haunting me since I’d found out about my child, yet I managed to enjoy the concert a lot.  
Playing such a huge venue was just a special experience, whether you were content or not, and I kept hoping that maybe the baby knew how happy I was to see how far my friends and I had come as a band.

 

When we came off stage, we couldn’t to sit still; we just had to run around and get rid of the adrenaline that was still left in our bloodstream from the show. Another thing that came with being pregnant and excited was being horny.  
I had discovered that sometimes I could barely look at Michael without sporting a hard-on, and my breath would hitch every time I saw his sweaty figure move around gracefully like a dancer, even though I knew he looked like an elephant in reality.  
During the show, I’d sweated a lot and now I was craving a shower, but I was also craving the feeling of having Michael’s dick up my ass – I just couldn’t decide what I needed more right now.  
Shortly after finishing the show, we were told we had to stay at the venue until midnight since there seemed to be a problem with one of the busses. Therefore, I figured it would be best to take a shower now, but apparently Michael had other plans.  
“Stay with me,” he whined. “Help me catch Pokémon!”   
“Seriously?”   
I rolled my eyes at how silly he was being. My boyfriend had basically been addicted to the new Pokémon game since it had come out a few days ago.  
He was out day and night, trying to catch all the special and rare kinds of Pokémon. Much to my dismay, Crystal Leigh (who was still on tour with us) seemed to enjoy the game as well – at least she pretended to, but it kind of seemed like she was using the game to hit on Michael.  
The thought of my boyfriend spending time with a beautiful and older yet so much more experienced woman made me feel sad and a little sick, but I didn’t want to let my jealousy affect Michael’s daily life, so I kept my mouth shut when I plopped down on the couch beside him.  
“Look, I can reach the Poké stop and the gym as well without moving, it’s great!” Mikey cheered, excitedly pointing at things on the brightly illuminated phone screen, and this time I felt a smile tug at the outer corners of my mouth.  
Michael was just too cute when he talked about things or people he was passionate about. I slightly wondered if he was ever going to talk about the baby like this, with his eyes glowing with excitement and his cheeks flushed red.  
The image my head had just created made me feel all fuzzy and warm inside, and despite the fact that I had to watch out if I didn’t want to end up with a boner, I snuggled close to my boyfriend.  
“Did you catch Pikachu yet?” I asked quietly as I looked at the small screen of the phone, trying to understand what was going on in the game.   
“Not yet,” Michael sighed. “I have a few eggs left, though, so maybe I’ll get one soon. I can’t believe Crystal already got one, though – it’s just unfair! I’m so much better at playing!”  
“I’m sure you are,” I nodded and rested my head on Michael’s shoulder. Being pregnant was tiring me out already and now that the adrenaline from the concert was gone my body felt heavier than a rock.  
The next thing I knew was that someone was constantly poking my face and occasionally pressing their lips against the tip of my nose.   
“Hmh-stop…” I whined, shaking my head unwillingly.   
I was still dead tired and didn’t want to have to move ever again.  
However, the person who I’d of course already identified as Michael apparently didn’t plan on stopping and continued to annoy me until my eyes finally shot open.   
“What do you want?”   
“It’s 11:25 pm,” my boyfriend whispered right next to my ear, making me tremble because of his mere presence. “Does that remind you of anything, Lukey boy?”  
“I don’t know,” I whined. “Sleep?”   
“Nope. Try again?”   
“I don’t know, Mikey, seriously. Stop being mean.”   
I frowned a little and pouted, knowing Michael wouldn’t be able to resist any longer. And I was right – within a second, his lips met mine, greeting them with a little bite that made me yelp.   
“Do you know what day tomorrow is?” he growled into the kiss, causing yet another shiver to run down my spine.   
“I- My birthday,” I breathed out as I tried to hold back a small moan. “Still one year to go till I’m legal everywhere.”  
“You’ll never be legal,” Mikey told me. “You’re too hot.”   
“Stop it!”   
**********************************  
A blush had been blooming on my cheeks ever since he’d started talking to me like this whilst kissing my skin, and suddenly the air in the room was hot and way too thick to inhale.  
“Why would I? It’s just too cute how you get so submissive sometimes…”   
Michael mockingly dragged out the word that made me shudder, teasingly slowly purring the syllables as if he figuratively wanted to draw the expression with his sinful tongue that was still caressing my hot lips.  
“I love how I can make your breath hitch with a single sentence and how I can make you moan my name, how your beautiful, broken voice will crack. I love how you sound like you’re screaming words in a foreign language only we know when I brush against that spot inside you.  
“It feels amazing to know you’re so gone for me, for my tiny fingers working their way into you. I can make you relax before falling apart even though it still hurts. And, goddammit, the thought of how full you are of our baby and of me… I just can’t…”  
Michael gasped when his voice broke at the end of the sentence and detached our lips, however, only to press his mouth against my neck a few seconds later, searching for that special spot there.  
“Ugh…fuck,” I let out a high-pitched moan, not even caring about being tired anymore.   
It didn’t matter who could hear us right now, I just needed Michael to fuck me well and hard after playing MSG.  
“D-Do you remember what I told the world earlier today?” Michael brokenly whispered against my neck so that I could feel his lips brushing against my sensitive skin with every word, driving me crazy.  
“Do you remember what I told them about? I revealed we shower together. They know you can be a needy piece of shit sometimes, walking in on me when I’m taking a shower just because you crave my cock.”  
I nodded mutely, eyes closed, as I tried not to fall apart right then and there. At this point I was painfully hard and just wanted Michael to do something already, but I knew he had something else in mind.  
“What if they could see?” my boyfriend went on, making me shiver in his arms. “Imagine them watching me fuck you upright after playing fucking MSG. Imagine them seeing your knees buckle when you reach your high and me holding your limp body up as I fill you up even more.  
“I want you to scream my name at midnight when you’re officially turning 20 and I want to be the one that makes you come undone on your birthday.”  
“Do something, Mikey!” I pleaded as I forced my eyes open to look at my beautiful boyfriend, who was still marking my skin, making me his. “Please, do something!”   
“I will,” he whispered against my skin, “just like I announced earlier. I’ll fuck you hard in the shower.”  
Within a few seconds, he flipped me over so that I was lying flatly on the couch and picked me up again, carrying me bridal style towards the door.  
I giggled when Michael looked around in confusion, trying to locate the showers – in spite of the massive boners we were both sporting the situation still managed to be funny somehow. “Hush, princess,” Mikey shushed. “I’m gonna punish you if you make fun of me.”  
I just chuckled and buried my face in his shoulder as I felt him carrying me somewhere. When I opened my eyes again we were in a small bathroom with nothing more than a shower and a sink. Michael set me down on the ground and I immediately let my lips meet his as his hands slowly started undressing me.  
Soon there was a big pile of clothes on the floor next to us, shirts and jeans carelessly thrown away to relieve the heat that was building up inside our bodies. As soon as both of us were naked, Michael lifted me up until I was propped up on his hip, sucking and biting the part of his back that would be covered by fabric tomorrow.  
“Ah, fuck, Luke,” Michael groaned as he blindly reached for the button that was supposed to turn the shower on. “W-wait, dammit, oh my god, yes…”  
He let out a sigh when the hot water finally started to pour down onto our tangled bodies, cascading down our backs making our skin all slick and wet.   
“L-let’s get started,” Michael managed to choke out while I continued to tease him by grabbing his erection and moving my hand up and down slowly.   
I could feel him twitch under my touch and smirked to myself, aware of the effect I was having on him when suddenly, I felt something glide down my back.  
Before I knew it one of his fingers was inside me and it was my turn to whimper and moan for him to keep going, to keep moving the short digit. The shower was doing enough to keep his fingers wet, which was fortunate, since I hadn’t brought any lube.  
“Fuck, Michael, fuck!” My voice cracked while I screamed his name and my back arched when he added another finger, slowly working his way deeper into my hole.   
“Need to prep you, babe,” he growled into my ear, “don’t wanna tear you in two. Wanna hear you scream for me.”  
“Y-you- Add another, Michael, please add another one. I need you to fill me, please, I want your cock.”  
“I’m sure you do – here we go, baby.”   
The smirk was evident in Michael’s voice when he pushed in his third finger, making me whine at the stinging sensation and cry out a second later when he brushed against the special spot inside me.  
I could barely control myself; however, I knew I needed to give Michael some relief, too, so I started playing with his cock, varying how much pressure I was using and making him move his slippery fingers in and out of me even more eagerly.  
The familiar heat of an approaching climax already started to pool in my stomach and I could barely bring myself to tell Michael to stop.  
“N-need your cock n-now,” I choked out. “Wanna feel full. Please, I love you.”  
“I-I love you two, Luke,” he croaked. “So much. I want you to remember where we are and how far we’ve come when I make you cum. I want you to know how much I love you. I’ll never leave. Ever.”  
And with these words promise he grabbed my hips, carefully lifting me onto his cock. I whimpered in pain when I felt him tear me open, but managed to keep myself together as my hole started to readjust around Michael’s erection.  
Then I started moving a little, until I was going fast enough to make him scream my name in ecstasy as I whimpered his, absolutely gone.  
“F-fuck me, Michael,” I whimpered when he started to hit my prostate, making me see stars while my eyes fluttered shut because of the immense pleasure. “Feels so good, I love you. I wanna- Michael!”  
We both reached our highs almost at the same time, me untouched and him moving in and out of me still. Just before we had started to go a little more gently because, even though it might not be as intense, moving slowly meant I would be able to focus on the heat in my stomach better and fully feeling the pleasure of relieving myself.

************************

I got to look into the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, the ones that rested on me while I was being rinsed and dried off. I got to feel Michael’s warm arms around my back and for a little moment I felt okay, after days of worrying too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola guys!
> 
> It's been like a week and a half since our last update, and I'd like to know if you're still enjoying this fic! Thanks for all of your kudos, but a little more feedback would be quite nice :P  
> Apart from that, I don't have anything to say (except: I hope the smut didn't kill you with cringiness).
> 
> See ya next week,
> 
> Luna xx


	17. Chapter 17

**_Luke_ **

 

I spent most of my birthday working, even though Michael made sure we still got a few breaks regardless. However, I didn’t mind that much.

My family phoned me early in the morning and I chatted with them for a quite a while, despite being tired from the events of last night. They all congratulated me on playing a show at Madison Square Garden and knowing they still thought of me when I was so many miles away made me very smile.

The concert in Camden, New Jersey, was probably one of my favourite shows to ever play although we’d performed at MSG last night. However, I loved the fact that all the fans seemed to be happy and peaceful for once and the whole mood seemed lit.

I had a lot of fun on stage that day, but afterwards my feet hurt like hell and I felt fairly sick, so I excused myself and withdrew from everybody else.

I just wasn’t in the right mood to deal with happy faces and chattering people, even though the concert had been a great experience for me. After I’d made sure I had safely locked the door of the hotel room I was sharing with Michael, I silently lay down on the bed, not bothering to get my iPod or my phone.

For a while, I just stared at the white ceiling and tried to imagine what the end of the tour would be like. Dr Simons had told me I was around 13 weeks pregnant, which meant I would start to visibly gain weight in around three or four weeks, at the beginning of August.

We were supposed to play our last shows in October, but it was quite obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to hide my pregnancy until then. Maybe, I could convince Modest-management of bringing the concerts forward to early September without supplying them with any specific reason.

However, I couldn’t risk being suspicious.

I sighed deeply as I tried to count all the little black dots on the ceiling. There was a whole lot of them, and I wondered if anyone had ever tried to clean the walls of this room or if the spots existed on purpose.

My child definitely hadn’t been created on purpose. I hadn’t even known about my ability to get pregnant when Michael and I’d had sex without using protection. However, we had really thought through what we’d been doing back then.

I had been his boyfriend for more than four years and had known him even longer – there was no way one of us had any STD since we had never slept around or anything. The only person I had ever had sex with before Michael was Aleisha, but of course we had used condoms back then, when we were 15.

A weak smile appeared on my face at the thought of Aleisha.

I hadn’t talked to her in quite a while and wondered what she was doing right now. Perhaps, she was still playing small gigs in the local area of Sydney, or she’d moved to Perth with her boyfriend Jordan to spend time with his family.

My ex-girlfriend was such a kind soul and always would be – she would ask me how I was doing every time we spoke, even though she had no idea what was going on in my life. However, after all those years of heartbreak, growing up and gaining popularity she still liked to make sure I was okay – just like Arzaylea.

Thinking of Arzaylea, I remembered another issue I had to find a solution for. As far as I knew she was only 4 or 5 weeks in by now, but sooner or later, her baby bump would start showing, too.

I was a bit confused as to why management still hadn’t given us any instructions. Normally, they would make sure the band’s image was always on point. I remembered that when Calum’s nudes had leaked, we had barely been allowed to talk about it, and when The Rolling Stone magazine had taken things we had said out of context, we hadn’t been allowed to speak up, either.

But maybe something like a pregnancy was too big, too important to discuss within a few hours. The people who worked for Modest needed to plan ahead; they needed to know what was going to happen before it even occurred.

Too bad I hadn’t told them about the fact that I was carrying Michael’s child…

Right now, I felt bad for two reasons – firstly, it’d cause both Arzaylea and me a lot of stress to say I had got her pregnant. No matter if it was true or not, the fans would still believe I had carelessly impregnated a girl I had known for barely a year, like the playboy some of the magazines wanted me to be.

And when – _if_ I admitted Arzaylea’s child wasn’t mine and I was having Michael’s instead, the whole world would freak out. Of course, most things were far more important than pointless Hollywood gossip, but people often tended to focus on the wrong things nowadays.

Well, the second reason – honestly, I was scared.

I was scared of being a bad parent, I was afraid of making the wrong decisions. I was scared of hurting the people around me and I was scared of destroying what we’d achieved.

But mostly, I was scared because I didn’t want to have a child. The mere thought of it had become a nightmare and sometimes I found myself wishing I’d never had unprotected sex with Michael in the first place.

Of course it had felt amazing, yesterday it had as well, but the thought of carrying a child scared the living shit out of me. I didn’t know anyone who’d been ‘a mistake’, but sometimes I saw people on the internet saying that their parents told them they hadn’t been supposed to be created or just felt out of place.

And to be honest, I didn’t want to be guilty of carrying and raising a child that was considered a mistake my whole life.

I didn’t want to feel bad because I didn’t want to be a parent just yet – and nevertheless I just couldn’t bring myself to look forward to parenthood, let alone the pregnancy.

There it was again, my own stupidity, the superficialness I just couldn’t turn off. I didn’t want to be even bigger than right now.

I had seen the pictures of my band and realising how much difference there was between my bandmates’ bodies and mine had been painful. I didn’t understand why I always seemed to be broader and taller than Michael when I was supposed to be small enough to be able to nuzzle my nose into his neck when we hugged.

When the whole band thing hadn’t quite started yet, I used to be so tiny that Michael was towering above me all the time. We weren’t in love back then, but I enjoyed cuddle sessions a lot and for some reason, I’d never grown out of being the little spoon.

But how was Michael supposed to hold me when if I was becoming even bigger than right now? How was I supposed to deal with the guilt and the depression that came with looking at my reflection in the mirror?

How was I supposed to hide the obvious fact that I was gaining even more weight?

Both my pregnancy and Arzaylea’s seemed to be time-bombs which could blow up any time and destroy everything I had ever worked for.

I closed my eyes with a sigh, hoping that I’d at least be able to fall asleep and forget about my problems for a while.

However, my head wouldn’t stop spinning. Fragments of thoughts were whirling around as I saw random pictures flash behind closed eyelids just for one moments before changing rapidly.

I felt like there was a small ache hammering behind my temple, but at this point I didn’t even care anymore – I just wanted to stop thinking for one moment.

_You’re gonna get fat,_ one particularly evil voice in the back of my head whispered to me. _You’re gonna gain weight and everyone’s gonna notice. You’ll prove your title right, Luke. You really are ‘the Fat One’._

_You may have been able to escape it for a while, but now it’s all going to come back. Just because you’re a male with a fucked-up reproduction system._

“Stop!” I cried aloud as I covered my ears with my hands in an attempt to make the voices stop. “Please, stop! I just wanna sleep, leave me alone!”

_You’re a maniac, Luke, talking to the voices in your head. Your life can’t be perfect, you know. There must be_ something _wrong with you, one thing at least. There are people who have much greater problems than yours._

_What would Michael think? He’s battling depression and here_ you _are, complaining about how big you are. No one cares, Luke. No one cares if you are feeling ugly, they’ll just tell you the truth and move on._

_Maybe you should learn to do that, too. Michael wouldn’t want to love a cry baby._

“I didn’t… Please, I’m not-“ I started to choke on my own words as I trashed around on the bed, kicking the air as if invisible enemies were surrounding me, whispering bad things into both of my ears.

It felt like the walls of my head were caving in right now, leaving me with nothing but dust and ashes and taking the positive person I’d been for 3 or 4 years away, along with the little bit of self-esteem I’d established over the years.

The storm in my head slowly started to fade away, but the emptiness which had taken over didn’t make me feel better in any way. If anything, I just wanted to be able to cry until all of the bad thoughts came flooding out and left my head.

However, my eyes stayed dry as I just lay there and listened to my own heartbeat that was still pounding evenly, drowning out the sound of blood and adrenaline rushing through my veins.

********************************

At some point I must have fallen asleep because I didn’t remember seeing Michael get into bed with me, even though I woke up in his arms the next morning. I couldn’t quite recall what I’d dreamt of, but the fact that I felt nervous and somewhat depressed deep inside already told me it had been the usual.

This morning, my brain was giving me particularly hard time. My stomach turned when I tried to imagine what I’d look like in a few months and I felt heavier than usual when I got up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

As I stood in front of the mirror with the toothbrush between my lips, my gaze wandered around until it landed on the reflection of the shower cabin right beside my face. Showering and getting to wash all the visible and invisible traces of last night off my body sounded great to me right now, so I spontaneously decided to take off my clothes and hop under the stream of warm water.

I sighed contently when my sticky skin collided with the clear liquid which was gushing down on me from the shower above and tilted my head back until I could feel water dribble down my face. I rubbed my eyes a little and enjoyed the feeling of being cleaned off for a moment as I closed my eyes.

However, I knew we would have to leave the hotel soon, so I got my shampoo and started washing my hair. While I was massaging my head, I wondered if I had brought my straightener with me, since I knew I’d be all curly-haired after a shower.

Maybe I could just go and get it from my suitcase, which I had placed next to the bed, but the thought of Michael seeing me completely naked made me gulp. Even though we’d had sex barely 34 hours ago, I felt absolutely uncomfortable showing off my body now.

I knew my weight gain from the pregnancy wasn’t showing yet, but nonetheless I felt like an elephant today.

I sighed deeply as I let my fingers trace random shapes on my thigh, which looked heftier than before, drawing little lines and pictures onto the white skin. Only now I realised how pale my flesh still was, even though it was summer.

Calum, Ashton, even Michael were tanner than I was. Maybe I should go outside more – I could go for a run every morning and work out a little more. After all it would help me lose a little weight and maybe hide my pregnancy a little longer.

Suddenly, my stomach growled with emptiness, but I ignored it. I’d been getting hungry a lot lately, yet I usually refused to eat anything if the starving feeling happened to approach in the middle of the night.

Right now, I couldn’t afford eating more food than usual at all, no matter if I was pregnant or not – if anything I should probably be eating less in order to keep my baby bump a secret.

I already knew the fans were going to notice my appearance was changing one day; however, the exact time wasn’t set yet. Technically, I would be able to postpone it if I could just divert the attention from my weight gain.

I nodded slightly, as if I wanted to tell myself I would be able to make it until the end of the tour. The water soon started to get cold, so I decided I was done washing myself and turned off the shower.

Shivering, I stepped out of the cabin, looking for a towel I could use to dry off my body. Luckily, I quickly found one on the counter next to the sink; however, it seemed to be a small one that would be soaked in no time.

I groaned in annoyance and took the bath sheet, beginning to rub my skin dry as I stared at my face in the mirror. My hair was already starting to get curlier, but right now I couldn’t care less – there was no way I was going to walk out of the bathroom naked.

I was just about to pick up the clothes I had left on the floor when I’d entered the shower cabin when I suddenly saw a movement in the corner of my eye. Instantly, I spun around, a scream on my lips but never escaping since I turned out to be the only person in the room.

Instead of a burglar, I had spotted my own body in the full-length mirror, which was hanging from the wall right opposite me, perfectly displaying my broad frame that used to be so much smaller.

Although the sight of myself made me stomach turn, the mirror immediately cast its spell over me, making me unable to break away from the image it was showing. Slowly, I started approaching the object, taking one step after another, until there was barely an inch left between my hand and the glass.

And there I was, gazing at a picture of my naked self, observing every inch of my curves in hope of finding any flaws like a lunatic. The first thing that came to my mind when I’d fully taken in the sight of my body was the realization that I was beautiful in no way.

A few years ago, fans used to tell me how I looked like an angel and Michael always assured me that my appearance was stunning, but now, I couldn’t see any of the things I’d once been labelled.

My face wasn’t smooth or soft anymore and instead a layer of grey tiredness seemed to be coating my skin, causing the bags under my eyes to grow even darker. My eyes were another thing that had changed – Michael always told me he loved how they would be shining brightly whenever I did something I enjoyed.

However, looking at recent pictures of myself a few days ago, I hadn’t been able to witness this quality of theirs anymore. Now, my eyes just seemed to reflect what I was feeling inside. They were a dull colour, more grey than blue, and I couldn’t find anything beautiful about it.

As if to remind myself what happiness looked like, I forced myself to smile timidly at my reflection, even though the small grin that had tugged at my lips vanished as soon as I could see how ridiculous I looked.

I couldn’t help but hate the way my dimples would dig into my skin at the slightest movement of the muscles around my mouth, making me look like a clown. A lot of people I knew looked stunning with dimples, including my own brother Jack and Ashton, but I myself just looked like I was trying too hard.

The way I involuntarily showed off my teeth whenever I was smiling at a camera made my whole face look fake and horrendous, like I dreamt of murdering the person right next to me.

If I were a fan, I wouldn’t want to take a picture with a guy who looked like a serial killer when he smiled, I sadly realised with a sigh. But maybe I just had to stop grinning in every picture – the fans wouldn’t care anyway.

Shaking my head a little, I moved on from my face and let my gaze land on the mop of curly hair on my head. The little strands that used to be bleached from the Australian sun were now a darker, less special colour than before, yet I didn’t mind that much.

At least my hair was still thick and looked kind of nice, even when it was still curly. I smiled a little as I realised I’d finally something I liked about myself – however, the spark of hope that had just approached me faded away as soon as my gaze wandered down, examining my torso closely.

I remembered when I’d been to the beach with Jack and Celeste a few weeks ago, I’d been astonished at the way my brother managed to look sturdy and stunningly athletic at the same time.

Of course, I was aware of the fact that Jack and I mostly looked alike, but still I couldn’t help but notice that my shoulders might be broad yet my body still didn’t look muscular at all. If anything, the sight of my wide figure looked ridiculous because of how oversized my shoulders seemed in comparison to my head.

Most of the time, I felt like I was a house walking on two feet while Jack somehow managed to look attractive and bulky at the same time.

However, I didn’t envy him at all.

The contrary, I just wished I could choose when to stop growing. I just wanted to be so tiny that Michael was able to hold me again, and the fact that I’d never be able to turn back time and experience being small again left behind a hollow ache in my chest.

Taking a deep breath and allowing the oxygen to fill my lungs and enter my bloodstream, I let my gaze wander further. I omitted my arms, knowing the sight of theirs would make me feel just as bizarre as looking at my shoulders had.

Instead, I went straight for my stomach, which still wasn’t tan at all.

Carefully, I let my finger brush against the sensitive skin, watching goosebumps appear on it before I started to grope, trying to feel up any physical signs of my pregnancy.

It was fascinating to watch myself dig into the milky skin a little harder and I couldn’t take my eyes off my fingers, which were grazing my stomach. Even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to feel the baby just yet, I wanted evidence; I wanted to know there was _something_ growing inside me.

I frowned when I looked at the mirror again. The little tummy I’d always sported looked like it had grown since I’d last observed it, although I wasn’t supposed to be showing yet. I could feel my breath quicken a little when I dug my fingers into the skin again, desperate to convince myself that I hadn’t gained weight regardless of the pregnancy.

However, there was nothing but skin and fat beneath my fingers I soon realised as I ran a hand through my hair in a distressed manner. No sign of the baby.

I couldn’t gain weight right now! I couldn’t afford letting anyone notice! I didn’t want them to know I was fat!

I felt tears well up in my eyes as my shoulders slumped and I looked at my feet, which suddenly seemed just as grotesque as the rest of my body. I just wanted to feel normal again; I needed to be sure that Michael hadn’t been lying to me whenever he’d said I was beautiful!

However, the longer I looked at my tummy which replaced the abs that were supposed to be there, the clearer it became to me – my boyfriend had been lying when he’d told me I was stunning.

I’d never quite believed him, but now I knew I was the opposite of what I’d call beautiful, the opposite of small and skinny. And the baby was just making it worse and worse.

However, and that was what I kept telling myself, maybe I could find a way to at least change the fact that I was outsized. If I just tried to eat less, I could perhaps keep my secret a little longer – and maybe feel beautiful for once.


	18. Chapter 18

**_Arzaylea_ **

****

 

“I still need to buy some peanut butter, I ran out of it yesterday,” I told Luke as I put my now mostly empty wallet back into my bag, turning to leave the shop we were in at the moment. However, I didn’t receive an answer from the younger guy and when I glanced at him, I found him staring at the door in front of us while chewing on his bottom lip.

I shook my head – it wasn’t really surprising to me that he hadn’t listened. During the last week, Luke had seemed absent-minded a lot, as if he was occupied with things I didn’t know about.

He withdrew from other people a lot and we hadn’t hung out apart from the day after his birthday when we’d gone shopping in Charlotte. But other than that, I kind of felt like he had been avoiding me.

Rolling my eyes dramatically, I let out a groan and nudged his arm.

“Hello? Anyone there?”

Luke jumped at my touch.

“Huh?”

“Woah, calm down, dude!” I shook my head in confusion. “I was just telling you that I still need to get peanut butter.”

“And…why exactly?”

Luke still didn’t seem like he knew what was going on at the moment, so I decided to pull him out of the shop and update him on what had just happened.

“So, right now we’re at the mall in Nashville because I wanted to look at some clothes. And now, we’re gonna get peanut butter because that’s one of the weird things I’m craving.”

“Yeah, sure…” Luke answered quietly as he rubbed his right eye.

Frowning, I noticed how worn-out he looked and how distracted and nervous his movements were while he was walking.

For some reason, he just seemed really out of it and I started wondering if something was seriously wrong with him. However, I decided on letting the topic slide for now and instead started talking about what I’d found out recently, concerning my future.

“So, as I told you, I won’t be able to become a teacher since my grades were too bad most likely,” I happily chattered as we walked next to each other, hands intertwined. “However, I took a degree at a Beauty and Make-Up Art school once and they’ll probably let me continue studying there.

“I mean, I’ve always been interested in fashion and I just love designing clothes, but make-up is my special passion. I’m kinda good at doing it by now and I’d really enjoy working on some looks I think.”

“Uh huh,” was Luke’s slightly disillusioning answer.

I supposed he didn’t really listen to me, but at the moment I didn’t care, either. I was just really happy that I’d possibly found something I would be able to do for the rest of my life.

After all the drama and disaster in Los Angeles, I had returned to New York in a disappointed state. It was still hard to believe that all of my friends had basically dropped me the second I’d told them about my child, including Mia, who I had considered my best friend.

However, I knew I couldn’t let anyone know how weak I had temporarily been, so I had posted a picture of Luke and me on Instagram with a caption in which I’d labelled him my best friends.

The whole thing had turned out to be a win-win situation for me – firstly, I had proved that the reaction of my friends hadn’t affected me as much as they’d assumed, and secondly, all the fans seemed to like the idea of Luke and me having a platonic relationship, despite the tweets in which I’d indicated that dating your best friend was the most amazing thing ever.

Of course, I knew Luke’s and Michael’s relationship wouldn’t stay hidden forever, but for now I was quite content with how things were.

Jake might have threatened to spill my secret to everyone (which I still couldn’t help but feel bad about), but so far, the press didn’t even know about the baby and neither did the fans. And by now, I was pretty positive I would find a solution for my problems soon.

However, now I really wanted to find out why Luke had been acting so strange and distant the last week.

____________________

It turned out I shouldn’t find out before another week had passed. I continued trying to figure out what was wrong with Luke, whose behavior seemed to become stranger every day, but there didn’t seem to be any hints.

We hung out a few times, but he mostly spent time with Michael and his bandmates. Crystal, who luckily hadn’t found out about my baby yet, was telling everyone how much of a crybaby Luke was being (as long as Michael couldn’t hear her insults of course), but I mostly ignored her pointless banter.

She reminded me of a little puppy that tried to impress people with its ridiculously high-pitched yapping sometimes, and I secretly made fun of her when I hung out with Melissa. The stylist was the only person on tour beside Luke and Michael I’d told about my baby. It had just kind of slipped when Bryana Holly and I had helped her shop supplies for her job. Luckily, both girls seemed to be very supportive and Melissa assured me she wouldn’t treat me like my ‘friends’ in LA while Bryana had just smiled politely, as always.

She had left the tour soon afterwards for a photoshoot in Miami, but we were staying in touch. However, something about her being on tour seemed to be a little off.

When I had asked her if she and Ashton planned on getting back together, she had immediately denied it and had made sure to assure me that they were just friends. I mostly believed her, yet I had a feeling in my gut that told me she was hiding something from me.

However, I had decided Bryana’s and Ashton’s love life was none of my business and I needed to focus on Luke.

On the day the boys were supposed to play their second show in Illinois, I refused to leave Luke’s side and insisted on attending soundcheck even though most of the fans still didn’t seem too fond of me.

However, after I’d promised Ashton a thousand times that I wasn’t going to cause any trouble, the band finally agreed with me. And that was how I ended up right in front of the stage with Dave that afternoon, watching the boy who had asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend a few months ago.

The performance was great as always, but I noticed Luke kept squirming a lot and didn’t seem to be able to concentrate on anything. With a frown constantly on my face I watched the rest of the performance, but I couldn’t wait to go backstage and ask Luke about his weird behavior.

I met up with him as soon as he’d left the stage and put his guitar aside as well as taken a seat on the couch backstage.

“What’s the matter, Luke?” I confronted him when he looked up, acknowledging my presence. “You don’t even need to deny it, I know something’s wrong.”

“I’m just a little unwell,” he admitted with a sigh. “I feel like I’m gonna throw up later – plus management called this morning. Luckily, I didn’t answer the call, but I guess they’re gonna try again later.”

“Where’s Mike?” I let my brown gaze wander around the room, confused as to why Michael was nowhere to be seen.

“He’s out with Cal and Ash today.”

Luke carelessly picked up a magazine from the table in front of him and started leafing through it, yet never reading anything.

“And he left you alone although you’re not feeling well?” I inquired, drawing closer. “What a bad boyfriend.”

“Oh, c’mon, Arz…” Luke gave me a tiny smile and I returned it as if to encourage him.

“You know what? We don’t need Mike to have a good time. I’m gonna take you back to the hotel and we’ll have lots of fun. Sounds good?”

“I don’t know…” Luke didn’t seem to be convinced of my idea yet. “What if management wants to speak to me?”

“Then they’ll fucking wait! We’ll just tell them you’re sick – that’s not even a lie. And please, Lukey, just stop worrying for once and have a little fun, alright? Alright.”

______________________________

Within 30 minutes, I managed to call a cab and get Luke back into his hotel room as well as lie him down and paint his toe nails. At the moment, I was occupied with his finger nails while he was dozing on his bed, occasionally mumbling answers to my questions.

“But imagine how glorious you’d look with a little eyeliner, Lukey! The fans are gonna love it, I promise, and I’m really good at doing eyeliner by now. And besides – it’s punk rock!”

“But I don’t wanna be punk rock,” Luke whined childishly. “I’m a princess.”

“A punk rock princess,” I corrected him with an amused smile.

I could tell the tension had mostly left his tired body by the way he was joking around and mocking himself.

It was weird how easily changeable his emotions were at times. I myself was pregnant and thus supposed to get mood swings, but I was nothing compared to Luke. The blonde boy had started reading the back of the bottles the nail polish was kept in.

“I hope they aren’t poisonous,” he mocked me. “If I die, I’m gonna make sure you get arrested.”

“Idiot.” I shook my head at his behavior as I finished off his last nail. “I’m pregnant and vegan, I definitely make sure to buy the right things, silly.”

I noticed the way Luke’s smile faded a little when I mentioned my pregnancy, but didn’t think anything of it and continued to talk to him about random topics.

Soon I came to the one which was currently my favorite – pregnancy. Since I’d returned, I had read a lot of magazines about and guides to aforementioned condition and I felt like I was aware of what was coming by now.

I didn’t want to be completely unprepared when I went into labor and even though my gynecologist had told me a lot already, I had decided on improve my knowledge myself. At the moment, I was excitedly chattering about the things and facts I had previously learned about.

“Did you know some men can get pregnant, too?” I mumbled as I munched on a small piece of chocolate I had found on Luke’s nightstand. “It’s incredible, right?”

When my friend didn’t respond right away, I assumed he didn’t quite believe me and continued to babble without taking notice of the distressed expression on his face.

“I mean, it sounds absolutely weird – all our lives we’ve been told that only women are able to carry children, but apparently some guys are born with a uterus or something, I guess. Hey, did you know men can get pregnant?”

It was only now that I turned to Luke, immediately noticing how tense he suddenly looked. Frowning, I closely examined his facial features, from his furrowed brows down to his bottom lip which was wobbling as he looked at me.

His eyes seemed bigger than ever, like two pools of blueness that were about to overflow because they were brimming with tears.

“L-Luke?” I asked.

I hadn’t expected my voice to sound raspy, but when the words escaped my mouth I couldn’t quite finish my sentence as my voice broke at the end. Slowly yet certainly, a feeling started to spread in my chest, and even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on the issue I knew I wouldn’t find anything good about it.

“Luke?” I tried again when the room remained silent, eyeing the blonde singer who was slowly moving his hand towards the area of his lower torso as if to protect himself.

Just then I realized.

It wasn’t really that hard, but at this point, I was just too occupied with myself to notice. However, now that it had dawned on me, I couldn’t believe how I’d ever been able to misinterpret the signs that were given.

Hadn’t Luke been the first to start getting sick every morning? And he had been the one who had been craving weird types of food long before I’d found out about my baby, right?

Did that mean…?

As soon as the thought had found its place to settle in my head, everything seemed to make sense. I didn’t have to wonder why Luke had been getting sick because there was a valid reason he had been experiencing these symptoms.

And right now, I felt like the worst person ever because I hadn’t noticed.

“You’re- You’re… _it_ yourself, aren’t you?”

My voice was supposed to sound strong and confident, as always, but the words came out more like a whisper than like a serious question.

I didn’t have to question anything, anyway – the answer was already clear.

“What?”

Luke’s voice sounded just as broken as mine – if anything, he was worse. Observing every single one of his movements, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.

The shy boy, the one who I had taught to be confident with what he was, about ready to burst into tears in front of me, lip bitten raw and eyes glistening with tears.

It was sad to see he wasn’t the person he pretended to be when interacting with the fans or the press. Luke’s self-esteem hadn’t improved, like I had assumed, and instead it seemed to be worse than before.

I could tell it had worsened just by looking at him. He hadn’t spoken up yet, but his facial features were more readable than any book. I didn’t need to decipher what Luke was feeling as it was already exposed to me on his face.

“You’re pregnant,” I stated as I tried to forget about the lump blocking my throat, my voice wavering between emotionlessness and sympathy.

What was I supposed to feel, even? Normally, you would congratulate someone when they revealed they were expecting a baby, but I kind of had the feeling that usual norms didn’t apply to Luke.

“I- Yeah…” the singer choked out. “I’m sorry…”

And with those words he did what I had expected him to do minutes ago – he burst straight into tears.

As I quickly brought him to my chest and rocked his tall yet somehow frail figure, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of déjà-vu. Only weeks ago, Luke had been the one to hold me while I had cried my eyes out.

People who believed in our love would probably assume he was the dominant one who held me at night, but, even though we weren’t actually together, it only felt right now. Luke was someone who needed protection and support – he might be able to give it to others, too, but he’d always end up with his back pressed against someone’s chest and their breath grazing his neck.

I was grateful for the night when he’d comforted me like a loving brother, a faithful best friend, although he’d ditched me after a while – now it made sense. He must have found out then, too.

“Lukey,” I gently cooed into his ear while his tears soaked my shirt. “Is that why you ditched me that night?”

For a few moments his sobs where the only noises filling the room, but after a while I felt him nod against my wet chest as he whispered a tiny ‘yes’.

“Do you wanna tell me about it?”

I didn’t really know what to do or say – Luke seemed like he was finally breaking and I had no idea how to comfort him.

“I found out,” he cried out all of a sudden and I jumped a little, not having expected his outburst. “I found out that night. I-I knew something was wrong and when I saw the test sticks it made sense.

“I stole them and I’m so, so sorry, Arz! I didn’t mean to – I just didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s okay,” I quietly soothed. “I know that feeling. Hence I bought seven tests instead of one.”

“I thought I was going insane,” Luke confessed, his face still hidden in the crook of my neck. “There were voices in my head and I- I just felt like a maniac. They made me wanna rip out my own hair… It was the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced.”

“Do you still feel like that right now? I mean, you were still right after all?” I continued watching Luke in worry as he snuggled closer to me.

“I don’t know…” he croaked. “I honestly don’t know. It’s still driving me crazy. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore – and nobody can know about it, Arz. I don’t even want to tell them about Michael and I, but how am I supposed to hide a child?!

“Most of them don’t even know there’s a possibility males can get pregnant! They’re gonna accuse me of being an attention-seeker, as always! I’m so done with all of this, I just want to feel normal again!”

Luke slumped even more in my embrace, curling into a small ball as if he was a child himself. He looked incredibly frail and tiny in my arms and I had no idea how he of all people could possibly deal with this.

He didn’t seem to be capable of accepting his pregnancy and thus his child – how was he supposed to take care of it one day?

“Shhh, just breathe, Lukey,” I soothed again when the sobs that were still racking his body grew more violent. “You’re gonna find a way to do this, I promise! We’re all there – we’re not gonna leave you.

“It doesn’t matter what they say. Look at me – they hate me and make sure I know 24/7, but somehow, I am okay.”

“B-but… I just want to be okay,” Luke quietly whispered, his shaky breaths tingling the sensitive skin of my neck. “I just wanna be fine again.”

“You will be, Luke. I promise, you’ll be okay.”

At this very moment, I was yet to know what I’d just promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!
> 
> It's me again :) Who would've guessed (school's started again so it's a wonder i've emerged from my dark cave actually).  
> I hope you liked this chapter as well as the other ones. I'm currently in the process of editing this whole thing and, what can i say, i guess i just like torturing you (and myself) with lots and lots of angst. But you should wait and see for yourself.  
> Kudos & Feedback are appreciated!  
> See you next week,
> 
> Luna
> 
> PS: (this is kinda irrelevant) since i'm german i get this weird urge to use an 'Umlaut' (like ä and ö and ü) wherever i can, which is why i ALWAYS wanna spell eren's last name like jäger. i just can't deal with everyone writing jaeger (or even worse yeager). there's supposed to be an ä, i swear. (ok bye i'll leave now i hope i'm not cringey)


	19. Chapter 19

_**Arzaylea** _

 

Luke fell asleep on my chest, but sadly we had to leave for the concert soon, so his nap was only a short one. He was still very sleepy when we got out of the cab that had taken us to the venue, hence I had enough time to ponder on the news.

It was hard to believe what Luke had just told me, even though I knew it absolutely made sense. Nonetheless, I just didn’t know how I had overlooked all of the things that had indicated the pregnancy.

There had been a lot of signs, yet I hadn’t managed to figure out what they meant until now.

However, I couldn’t say it was too late – it had been too late long before I’d even slept with Jake.

From what Luke had told me, I figured he was already in the second trimester of pregnancy, unlike me. I wondered if he already knew the gender of the baby…

A small smile crept onto my face when I imagined Luke with a small girl, playing in the garden while Michael was happily watching his little family. Luke would buy his daughter dress-up utensils and end up wearing the tiara himself as his child rather went for one of Michael’s old shirts.

However, the idea of Michael and Luke having a little son was just as cute. I was sure the older singer would try to talk his boyfriend into dyeing the poor kid’s hair while Luke wanted to teach him how to play guitar.

Whichever gender their child had, it was very lucky to have as amazing parents as Luke and Michael. Its future was already safe – meanwhile, I didn’t even have a job to earn enough money to provide my own kid.

It would have to grow up without a father, without a proper family and a mother who was constantly working and trying to escape the bad habits of her old life.

I was already trying hard, but maybe ‘hard’ just wasn’t _enough_. I desperately needed to stop depending on others if I didn’t want to end up alone, with nothing left.

 

*****************

 

I decided to watch the show from backstage instead of mingling with the crowd. Despite all my worries regarding my pregnancy, I had already started to love the little human inside me – having a child equaled lots of problems, but I wouldn’t want to have anything happen to my baby.

Therefore, I joined Nia, who was enthusiastically watching Calum play, Rena Lovelis, Taka from One OK Rock and Melissa and admired how passionate Luke still seemed while performing, although I knew his heart wasn’t with it tonight.

The concert went really well and the fans were as crazy as ever, screaming and cheering the band they had been admiring from afar before. After a while, I actually started enjoying the music, even though the thought of Luke never left my head.

However, about two songs before the encore my phone started ringing, harshly disrupting Calum’s gloriously soft voice.

“Dammit,” I cursed under my breath as I stepped back a little, looking around to find a place where I could actually hear the person on the other side of the line.

“I’ll be right back!” I quickly informed the others, but they didn’t seem to notice me in the slightest way, so I just decided to leave.

My still buzzing phone tight in my hand, I left the area right behind the stage and walked down the corridor until the sounds of guitars and screams weren’t as loud anymore.

“Arzaylea Rodriguez?” I answered the phone with my first and last name, as my cellular hadn’t recognized the caller-ID. “Who is this?”

“Ahhh, Miss Rodriguez,” a slightly familiar, female voice greeted me. “This is Mrs. Ryan.” “Luke’s landlord?” I questioned, remembering the lady from when Luke had signed the lease contract of our flat.

I hadn’t corresponded with her after that day, but she was the one responsible for the apartment when we were away.

“Exactly,” Mrs. Ryan confirmed. “I tried to call Mr. Hemmings, since he was the one who signed the contract, but he doesn’t seem to be available.”

“That’s true, he’s really busy at the moment,” I quickly told the woman, even though I knew Luke had probably been rejecting some calls due to the emotional state he was in. It made me sad to know that he didn’t even feel like managing his private life, but that was nothing I needed to deal with right now.

“So, he deposited your number in case he would be busy, so I figured I’d call you and you could talk to him.”

“Of course. What’s the problem?”

I was a little bit confused as to why the landlord was calling, considering everything had been perfectly fine when I’d last been to LA. However, a lot could have happened in the past weeks, I figured – or maybe Mrs. Ryan just wanted to talk about finances, which were Luke’s business.

“There seems to be a problem with the water pipes,” Mrs. Ryan went on. “One of them leaked and the floor seems to have swollen up partly, since it’s made out of wood.”

“Eew, gross.” I internally cringed as I tried to imagine what the apartment might look like now. “So, what am I supposed to tell Luke?”

“It would be nice if he could call me back anytime soon, so that we can settle the issue. I already called the insurance company, but I don’t know if he wants to claim compensation from me.”

“I’ll tell him,” I promised and frowned a little afterwards. “When will we be able to return to the apartment?”

“Well,” Mrs. Ryan sighed, “since they’ll probably have to remove parts of the wooden floor, I guess it’ll take a while. However, I think you’ll be able to return in about 5 weeks roughly.”

“Will there be a substitute place where we can stay at? We’re out of town right now, but I guess we’re supposed to come back in two or three days.”

“Of course there will be one – I’m gonna tell Mr. Hemmings about it when he calls me back,” Mrs. Ryan told me. “Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head at the phone.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m gonna talk to Luke as soon as possible, but it could take a few hours.”

“That’s fine. Thank you for your help, Miss Rodriguez.”

“You’re welcome. Goodbye.”

I smiled a little as I ended the call, but the happiness faded soon afterwards while I was on my way back to the others, thinking about the conversation I’d just had.

It was only now that I realized that not even the apartment I mostly stayed at was mine. Luke had been paying the rent and signed the papers, and he was the one in charge, which meant I was depending on his decisions.

Even though I knew I could trust him, to know that I was taking his money again made me feel bad, not only because he didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of, but also because I desperately needed some control.

My whole life was depending on other people and if they all decided to leave me, I would be left with nothing but my body. My clothes, my make-up, my flat – those were all things someone else had paid for in order to help me out.

However, I didn’t want them to help me out anymore. I wanted to be in control of my own life – no, I _needed_ to be, if didn’t want to destroy my child’s future before it was even born…

Still thinking of a way to solve my problems, I returned to the others, who were watching 5 Seconds of Summer play their last song. They didn’t even seem to acknowledge my presence when I joined them, too caught up observing the band’s performance.

Frowning, I watched the boys do the jump in She Looks So Perfect; however, I couldn’t really concentrate on the music anymore. My head was spinning with thoughts and I had no idea how to regain control.

Officially, I was living with Bryana and a few other models in an apartment in inner LA, but I hadn’t been going there anymore since Luke had bought the apartment for us to fool all the people out there.

We still had a deal and I knew that technically he benefitted from me living in the flat which the fans thought was his. However, I still felt like I was taking advantage of him by letting him pay my rent.

If I wanted to be in control myself, I would definitely have to move out of both apartments, but I didn’t have any money to pay for another flat.

The only other alternative left would be moving in with my mother and my siblings again – but I couldn’t live with them! Everyone at home seemed to hate me and I didn’t feel like dealing with them all day, either.

They had treated me badly and I had lied to them and taken advantage of them. I couldn’t just ask my mother if I could move in again.

I shook my head at my own thoughts. I would need to find a solution for my problems, but moving in with my family was no option for me. But maybe, everything would work out soon, so that I wouldn’t have to ponder on that topic anymore.

I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed the show had ended by now. It was only when the room suddenly became very crowded that I realized I had completely missed the final bow.

However, I didn’t have a lot of time to grief since I spotted Luke across the room almost immediately. He was just handing his guitar over to one of the crew members when I approached him, sending him a sympathetic smile when I noticed his pale complexion.

He had told me earlier that he’d felt nauseous, but I had assumed it had faded by now since pregnancy sickness usually didn’t last that long.

But maybe he just wasn’t lucky today.

“Your landlord called,” I greeted him after enveloping his broad frame with my arms. “Mrs. Ryan – she told me we- I can’t go back to live in the apartment for now.”

I watched a frown form on Luke’s face as he confusedly asked: “Why? I thought everything was fine.”

“There was a problem with the water pipes,” I quickly explained. “Water was dripping out and it ruined the wooden floor. She said they’ll fix it up as fast as they can, but you should call her back soon.”

“I’ll give her a ring after showering.”

“But- Luke?”

“Huh?”

When his tired, blue gaze met mine, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, knowing what I was about to confess wasn’t convenient for him. Of course he’d let me do what I wanted, but originally he’d counted on me.

I took a deep breath, taking my gaze off the floor so that his eyes could meet mine again.

“I don’t- I can’t live in the apartment anymore…”

“But…?”

Luke seemed utterly aghast. His frown only got deeper as he examined my face closely with his eyes, probably trying to find the reason why I wanted to move out so suddenly.

“Why? We need it to fool people?”

“Yeah, I know, but…” I sighed. “Look – I’m gonna be a mum in a few months and I just wanna have a little control, you know? I just… I want to be the one in charge of my life.”

“But I’m gonna… Never mind,” Luke trailed of, shaking his head. “I-I understand. If you don’t wanna live there anymore, I’ll dissolve the contract. I mean, the apartment is similar to the one Michael and I own… You could just stop by more often.”

He didn’t look happy at all as he told me what he’d do, but I knew it was too late to change my mind. I had made a decision and chosen the way I thought was best for my child – now I needed to stick with it.

“I’m s-“ I turned to apologize, but right then a phone rang somewhere near where we were standing.

“That’s mine!” Luke exclaimed, already on his way to pull the device out of the pocket of his black skinny jeans. I observed him with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at the screen and immediately seemed to pale when checking the caller-ID.

Suddenly, his hands started shaking and I was ready to catch him when he started swaying a little, but somehow he managed to regain balance.

“Who’s calling?” I mouthed to him as I watched him shaking almost unnoticeably, pressing the phone against his ear.

“Yeah?” he just said without answering my question. “Yes, of c-course. She’s right beside me. No, w-we’re good. Tomorrow? Okay, I’ll be- We’ll meet you after the show. Have a nice d-“

Without finishing his sentence he let his arm drop, indicating the caller had just finished the call. I was just about to ask about the person again when Luke opened his mouth voluntarily, informing me.

“It was the management. They wanna meet us tomorrow after the show. They say they’ve found a solution.”


	20. Chapter 20

**_Michael_ **

****

With a frown on my face and my guitar still in my hands, I watched Arzaylea and Luke chatting from across the room. We had barely even left the stage when Arzaylea had already attacked my boyfriend and pulled him aside to talk to him, and even though I knew there was no reason to be jealous, I really wanted to know what their conversation was about.

They hadn’t been talking a lot lately, but Luke had pretty much hidden from everyone so I hadn’t spent a lot of time with him, either.

Therefore, when I saw his expression grow more and more distressed the longer he was talking to Arzaylea, I was utterly confused.

I had no idea what they could be chatting about – I figured my boyfriend had told her about our baby by now and maybe they were just exchanging tips, but Luke seemed too nervous to just be talking about pregnancy.

Of course I assumed he was having a hard time dealing with the pregnancy, and I tried to help him as much as I could, yet I had kind of started to think something else was up with him, too.

More often than not, I caught him staring at an invisible spot somewhere, with dull eyes and a constant frown firmly imprinted on his face.

Why did he seem so troubled? It just didn’t make sense to me… I must have missed something.

My confusion increased even more when Luke’s phone started ringing and he pulled it out of his pocket, visibly paling at the sight of the display. I had no idea who could possibly be the caller, but it surely wasn’t someone he enjoyed talking to.

Still watching every move of his, I handed my guitar away to one of the crew members, expecting them to put it back where it belonged. Normally, I would make sure my guitar was being handled carefully and treated right, but right now I had other priorities.

Luke seemed to be talking to someone on the phone now from what I could see, but sadly, I couldn’t make out any words as it was pretty loud backstage with many people running around and making sure to stow away the instruments.

The call didn’t seem to last long, anyway, and barely later, Luke’s arm dropped and he turned to Arzaylea with an emotionless façade. He told her something and suddenly she seemed a little nervous, too, but she was a lot better at hiding it.

I frowned and bit my lip, concluding the conversation Luke had concerned her as well. What on earth could possibly affect the two like this, especially Luke? Had someone found out about our baby?

I was just about to go over and join their hushed conversation when I suddenly felt someone pat my shoulder.

“Great show, mate!” Ashton practically yelled at me, causing me to back off before laughing at him.

“You don’t need to yell, I’m not quite deaf yet!”

“Are you and Luke gonna join Cal and I tonight? I know Hemmo’s not supposed to drink, but he can still join – it’s been ages since we last hung out!”

“I don’t know, Ash,” I sighed. “Luke seemed pretty tired and I don’t wanna leave him all alone. Also, admittedly, I don’t feel that well, either. I don’t know, the _Great Void_ , as my therapist likes to call it, is kicking in again.”

I chuckled bitterly at the thought of the dozy yet pretty helpful man I had been seeing since my depression had been diagnosed. In spite of my affection for Dr Jackson, I didn’t particularly enjoy our sessions.

But who would enjoy knowing their depression was going to kick in again, anyway?

I had talked to Dr Jackson a few days ago when I’d felt my head getting heavy with thoughts again. Right now, I mostly felt okay, but I knew the depression would probably hit me hard within the next few days.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Ashton immediately apologized, but I waved him off with another chuckle.

“Never mind. Down-phases just really suck, but I’m fine right now, I guess. I just really need a Hemmings-cuddle tonight.”

“Of course,” my bandmate instantly agreed, “I don’t wanna push you to do anything. I just thought it would be nice to spend time together, but we can hang out another day.”

“That sounds great. I’ll tell you when I’m better.”  
“Alright. And, Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“You know you can always talk to me? I mean, if you don’t wanna talk to Luke – I’m here and so is Calum. We’ll try to help you. Always.”

I nodded at Ashton’s kind offer, sending him a grateful smile. My bandmates had always been there to listen to me when I didn’t feel like bothering Luke. Most of the time I spoke to him whenever I felt my chest contract and my head start to spin, but sometimes, like right now, he had enough on his own plate and I didn’t want him to have to deal with more than he could take.

At times, I even though that maybe he was the one who needed help right now – but right now, my first priority was to find out what my boyfriend’s distress was about. Therefore, I finally headed over to him and Arzaylea, who were just standing next to each other in silence, both lost in thought.

I looked around to make sure no one was listening to us before greeting my boyfriend with a sweet smile, “hey, Lukey. What are you up to?”

“Huh?”

I couldn’t help but notice the way he flinched when I first started talking to him and made a mental note to remind myself of asking him about it later.

“Oh, Arz and I were just chatting.”

“Well – Ashton asked if we wanted to hang out, but I personally don’t really feel like going out tonight. I thought we could just go back to the hotel and cuddle or something.”

I bit my bottom lip as I watched Luke react to my offer, hoping he would agree to it not only because it had been ages since our last cuddling session, but also because I wanted to ask him about the phone call.

Luckily, he seemed to like the idea of just having a relaxed night and nodded at me with a small smile.

“That’s fine. Do you wanna go back right now?”

“I’m ready, but I was wondering about you.”

“I’m ready, too.”

“Let’s go then, I guess.”

“Bye, Arz,” Luke said goodbye to Arzaylea. “I’ll see you tomorrow after the show I guess.”

“Sure,” the brunette girl replied. “Have a nice evening. You, too, Mike.”

“Thanks.”

I lifted my hand to wave at her as I started to make my way out of the room, Luke following closely behind me. Usually, I would have grabbed his hand and entwined our fingers, but right now, there were just too many people running around backstage and we couldn’t risk being caught together.

A driver was already waiting in the security area of the venue, but neither Dave nor any other bodyguard was with us. I figured they had all joined Ashton and Calum, who had probably gone partying again.

However, I wasn’t nervous because of the lack of guards around us – if anything, I was grateful that Luke and I were finally getting some privacy, even though we didn’t talk or display any affection until we were safely locked away in our hotel room.

While Luke showered, I ordered a salad for us, since I was pretty hungry from performing and I hadn’t seen him eat before the show. He was done pretty fast, so I got to wash the sweat off my body as well before the room service arrived with our dish.

We quickly ate in silence before we put away the plate and decided to lie down on the king size bed in our room, Luke’s head resting on my chest as I ran my fingers through his thick, still slightly wet hair.

The way I could feel the air that had been inside his lungs seconds before on my skin with every breath of his made goosebumps appear on my skin. I shivered a little, watching the little drops of water his hair had left on my fingers. They were perfectly shaped and delicate, just like the person in my arms, yet still stronger, not as easily destroyable.

As I observed Luke, I realised how tired he had to be from all the stress he was put under. Everyone seemed to think they could drop yet another weight on his shoulders, assuming he could carry all those tasks.

He was supposed to be strong because he was our lead singer after all, but suddenly I doubted if he could do this, _everything_. He himself was the one who wanted to hide our relationship so eagerly that he was willing to fake having a girlfriend, but everyone could see how done his body was with all the distress.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he just crumbled under the weight of all our lies one day, his façade shattering like the walls he had wanted to build up in fear of getting hurt and being left.

Luke definitely was one of the kindest and sweetest persons I had ever met, and yet people seemed to hate him more for dating a girl they despised than they would hate him for being in love with his bandmate.

Sometimes, I wondered how the people who were hating on him could possibly not notice how fragile he was becoming with every passing day, but then I remembered he was hiding it from them.

Right now, I felt like the Luke Hemmings they knew was just a ghost, a phantom, and the tired, soft figure in my arms was another person that slowly seemed to be breaking because of his constant fear of not being accepted.

Maybe, I should have known that there was no way we could go on like this and that it was only a matter of time until he was going to break, but back then, a small part of me still believed I could help him somehow.

And maybe I really could have, if I had tried harder.

“Lukey?” I broke the silence between us in a quiet voice as I gently let my fingers ghost across his neck. “Can I ask you something?”

“Hmh?” he murmured, never lifting his head from my chest as his questioning blue eyes wandered upwards until they met mine.

“What was that phone call about?”

I carefully ran my fingers over his shoulders to show affection while I spoke, making sure he knew how much I loved him, how perfect he was to me. We didn’t need to hide anymore for my sake. We had to hide for him, though – I knew how this issue still had him worried.

Ever since we had been told what Modest-management did to gay band members, Luke had been like this, worrying every second we spent together yet missing and craving my touch when we were apart.

I did know he just wanted to be accepted by everyone, but sometimes, I just wished he could see that I’d never let him go. Ever.

I was willing to fight for us, but he didn’t know that and I didn’t want to pressure him. If he wanted to hide us then so be it, I would deal with him. The only thing I wasn’t going to let happen was him getting hurt.

“What phone call?”

Luke’s voice was already heavy with sleep, although it was only 10:40 pm and I felt bad for keeping him from sleeping, but I needed to talk to him to find out what was bothering.

He failed at hiding the bags under his eyes and the sadness that was evident in his voice some days and I just wanted to protect him from the world.

“Someone called you after the show and you didn’t seem to be too keen on talking to them.”

Luke opened his eyes to look at me and his gaze already held the nervousness that was also evident in his voice when he spoke, “it was management. They s- They figured something out about the b-baby…”

“Our baby?” I was utterly confused for a moment until I realised what he was talking about. “Oh, that baby.”

“Arz and I have a meeting with them tomorrow.”

And I finally understood.

That night, I just held Luke close to my chest, hoping I could make all his nightmares and worries disappear for a few hours. I told him I loved him more times than I could count, just to make sure he knew.

I wanted to tell him we would be okay, but he was already asleep when I tried to speak up, so I just let it slide and went with cuddling him and holding him throughout the night.

 

**************************

 

The next day was a weird one. In the morning, I found Luke shirtless in the bathroom, observing himself in the mirror. He tried to hide his body from me as soon as he acknowledged my presence for some reason, but I quickly figured out he wanted to check if his baby bump was evident yet.

It made me sad to see him stress about his appearance again, so I told him he was beautiful, but all I got in return was a small ‘thank you’ and tear-filled blue eyes avoiding my gaze.

I stayed with Luke all day, just to make sure he was okay as I tried to figure out what the scene in the bathroom had been about.

However, I didn’t come to any conclusion and far too soon the show approached and it was time to go on stage. I found it hard to focus that night, partly because my depression tended to act up whenever I worried about someone I loved and partly because I kept watching Luke, who was just as out of it.

After the performance, he quickly showered and then sped to the hotel where Arzaylea was already waiting for him. Management had booked a conference room which was luckily located inside the hotel, so we didn’t have to drive anywhere else.

I had insisted on waiting in front of the room until the meeting was over, although Luke had tried to convince me of going out with Ashton and Calum, since apparently the conference would take too long.

However, there was no way I was going to let him do this by himself. I could tell he was nervous and stressing and I wanted to make sure he was alright.

“Relax, baby,” I mumbled into his ear as I walked down the corridor which was supposed to lead to the conference room.

Arzaylea was marching ahead of us, her heels creating a loud noise on the floor that matched a steady pattern of steps. Meanwhile, Luke and I were going more slowly and our hands were laced together, a gesture that was supposed to show I was there for him.

“I’m trying to,” he muttered back as he almost stumbled upon his own feet. “It’s just – I can’t even focus…”

“It’s okay,” I quickly reassured, “you’ll be fine. We’re on break after this. No more shows for a while – we could visit our families at home even.”

Even though Luke was facing forward, resulting in me not being able to see his face since I was walking a few inches behind him, I could easily tell a little smile had tugged at his lips at my last words.

“That sounds nice,” he whispered almost inaudibly. “I’d like to see mum and dad. And Ben and Jack. And Molly.”

“Me, too,” I told him with a smile, happy I had managed to divert his thoughts, at least for a little while. “I promise we’ll visit them soon, baby.”

We stopped walking as soon as we noticed Arzaylea was standing still in front of a door at the end of the hallway, reading a sign that said ‘Conference Room 1’.

“It’s gotta be this one,” she murmured, more to herself than to us, but I still nodded.

“Lukey?” I checked of the corridor was empty before pulling his slightly taller figure backwards, turning him until he was facing me. “I love you.”

Our gazes locked as I reassured him of my love and support.

“You’re not facing this alone. I’m here.”

And with these words, I let him go, watching his tall figure cautiously enter the room, followed by Arzaylea.

Then I had to wait.

I leaned against the wall and slid down after a few moments, hoping to find some relief in resting my head back against the smooth surface.

Now, normally, you would think the doors of conference rooms in expensive hotels are supposed to be soundproof – well, this one definitely wasn’t.

Most of the conversation my boyfriend was having with the management-employees at the other side of the wall rang out to me, perfectly audible. This way, I at least wasn’t bored while waiting for Luke to come back out to me, and I wouldn’t have to force him to tell me about the conversation later.

From what I could hear, I could tell they had all started to argue pretty much right after Luke and Arzaylea had entered the room. Of course, the only thing Modest cared about was the baby, not ours but Arzaylea’s, yet I knew Luke probably felt like he rather was in detention awaiting trial than in an ordinary meeting.

Even though he had made sure to leave no traces, I had somehow witnessed the way he had desperately tried to hide his perfectly fine – yet in his opinion already out of shape – body. Sometimes, I wondered what had made him become so afraid, but then I remembered I used to be like that, too.

Just because I had already moved on and was ready to tell everyone about us, Luke didn’t have to let his fear go as well.

“…you were even thinking?! Most of those f- people aren’t even convinced of your _love_! You both even cheated, didn’t you? Of course you did, Hemmings, but now you’re parents and things like these won’t be happening anymore.

“You’ll spend every single second you can bear together. You’ll show them you are going strong!”

“But we-“ I knew Luke meant to sound strong, but his voice sounded more and more like a whimper as he desperately tried to get a say in this. “I don’t- We just can’t be…”

“You can and you will,” the same voice as the one that had been yelling before harshly interrupted him.

“So, we can keep the child?”

Arzaylea’s question rang out to me and I frowned at her words. It felt weird to hear her talk about ‘their’ baby when in reality I knew it wasn’t Luke’s.

“Yes, you can,” a woman stepped in. “However, there will be a few conditions you need to agree to.”

“First of all,” a male with a heavy British accent began to explain, “you will be together in public a lot more than you already are. You don’t have to tell them about the child immediately, it’d be better if you kept it a secret for a while anyway.

“However, you will also fly to Australia together tomorrow morning. You’ll stay with Hemmings’ family for two or three days and meanwhile, you will start looking for an apartment in Sydney.”

At the end of his speech, my eyes widened and I could feel my breathing quicken as I nervously listened to Arzaylea, who had stepped in.

“You mean we’ll move in together officially?”

“Yes, you will. You need to display security, if you know what I mean. You two will have to stay together for a long time – we can’t afford another baby drama like the Tomlinson one!”

“But- W-what about the apartment I’m sharing with Michael?”

The quiver in Luke’s voice broke my heart. I slumped, my shoulders dropping and my nose nuzzling into my hands. Suddenly, I was absolutely paralysed, not able to move, to go on, to breathe anymore.

It felt like with that one sentence, management had ripped away an important piece of me, and knowing that Luke was even worse off than I was didn’t make it easier.

The flat was the only thing we had left. It was the place where we were safe, locked away from curious gazes, surrounded by the four walls that had captured and set us free at the same time.

Without the apartment, where would I be able to hold Luke? Where would be able talk for hours and recuperate from all the stress? Where were we supposed to love each other?

At this moment I cursed the path we had chosen.

Most of the time, I was grateful for what we had been given, but right now I felt like our job was destroying the thing that mattered the most.

I couldn’t let Luke go to Australia alone – it would crush me and him as well, grinding our ribcages with everything inside them like giant rocks could grind corn.

And while my slow, depressed mind was still failing to process what was happening, the quick, rebellious, protective part of my brain had already made a decision.

I wasn’t going to let Luke go that easily – I would follow him, even if Australia turned into Hell. I would hold on.

 

**************************

 

Luke and Arzaylea had barely left the room when I was already inside, refusing to take a seat on one of the chairs that were lined up along the edge of the circular conference table. I wasn’t going to sit in front of them, because sitting down would equal making myself smaller than I was, and I didn’t need that.

“I’m going with them,” I blurted out, never waiting for them to comprehend what was going on. “You can’t stop me, I’ll be on that plane with him. I won’t let him go alone.”

“Uhm…Mr. Clifford, excuse me?”

The woman whom I had heard talking before was the first one of the management-employees who regained control over herself.

The confusion the faces of the other people were reflecting had only flared up in her eyes for a second before she had turned into a heartless person who only cared about the profit she was making again.

“I’m going to Australia with Luke,” I repeated, trying to keep a straight face even though there was a storm raging beneath my ribcage.

“A-alright? May I ask why?”

I could tell that the woman wasn’t really asking for permission to inquire my motivation, but I didn’t care anyway.

“He won’t make it,” I told them in all honesty as I felt my blood boil with hot anger. “Luke isn’t… His mental condition isn’t the best right now and the whole baby thing is stressing him out an incredible lot. He will break sooner or later and I want to make sure he’s okay.”

“He should have thought about the consequences impregnating that girl,” one of the guys in the background grumbled, but immediately shut up when I shot him a deadly glare.

“Well, this surely isn’t his fault. And Arzaylea isn’t a bad person, either. It’s just all too much. Anyway, I’m going with them.”

Surprisingly, they didn’t argue with me. It seemed like they accepted whatever I was demanding, as long as Luke and Arzaylea obeyed their orders.

Therefore, I was able to leave the conference room sooner than expected, after I had made sure they had booked a plane ticket for me.

Luke and Arzaylea weren’t there anymore, so I figured they had already gone back to their rooms in order to avoid any members of Modest-management. As I made my way up the stairs that led to our suites, I suddenly noticed how tired I really was.

However, it wasn’t the kind of tired where your eyes get droopy and you fail to fight back the urge to yawn – it was the kind where there is a persistent dull ache in your bones, draining you from the inside, and your mind is swimming, spinning with thoughts.

At this moment, I was just tired of going on. I didn’t want to go on stage anymore and pretend I was happy when I was dying inside – I needed to feel the weight of Luke’s body in my arms as we slept next to each other for as long as it would take to ban all of our demons.

And if it turned out to take forever – I wouldn’t mind.

But for now I had to make do with simply holding Luke whose body was wracked with sobs as we lay on the bed together, trying to soothe each other to sleep.

I cried too that night.

I cried because it hurt to know this was shattering Luke and I cried because even when everything was supposed to be okay and we weren’t force to go on stage five times a week, our lives were just a huge mess.

But at least we wouldn’t have to part ways tomorrow and that thought was enough to make me strong enough to hold Luke and rock him to sleep, even though I was just as shattered as him.

 

************************

 

“She doesn’t know we’re here, does she?” I asked Luke as the car we were sat in at the moment turned right, taking the road that led out of the familiar suburb of Sydney and into the wild, straight to the house of the Hemmings family.

Well, the environment wasn’t that wild, yet it was still more rural than the one I’d grown up in, even though the houses of Luke’s and my families weren’t too far apart.

“No, I didn’t tell her,” Luke confirmed from beside me. “She told me I could always come the last time I saw her and we scheduled the visit at really short notice, so I just forgot.”

“It doesn’t matter, I guess,” I told him with a small smile before turning to Arzaylea, who, unlike us, was sitting in the front of the car, stubbornly staring at the horizon. “You okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she sighed, obviously distressed. “I’ll scream when I need to puke.”

Normally, I would always choose to sit in the passenger seat, as driving made me feel a little uncomfortable at times, but since we had landed in Sydney Arzaylea had complained about immense sickness and therefore, I had let her take the front seat.

This way I could at least be cuddled up closely to Luke without having to worry about the driver making any assumptions.

Sadly, I hadn’t been able to talk to my boyfriend on the plane a lot, since it wasn’t a private one, but we had spent half of the time asleep anyway, both tired after the distress of last night.

Lying in bed and holding Luke had reminded me of the night when we had found out about our baby – we had both been traumatised by all the crying and all the worries, pressed together in a hospital bed that had originally been made for only one person.

However, I had told myself I would never let anything like that happen again. I didn’t want to see Luke that crushed ever again and so far I was holding up pretty well, although everything was hard at the moment.

My gaze wandered down my boyfriend’s body and stopped at the soft curve of his belly that was starting to show, regardless of the baggy shirt he was wearing. I’d never tell him his bump was visible, as he’d most likely break down again, but the sight of it made me feel fuzzy inside.

At first, I had worried a lot about the child’s future – however, after yesterday, after _everything_ , I felt like I was finally happy about my baby expecting a baby.

I pressed a kiss to Luke’s cheek, which was scratchy even though he had shaved it this morning before we had left.

“I’m excited to see your mother,” I murmured. “She’ll be so happy when you tell her about the baby.”

“Well,” Luke sighed and rested his head on my shoulder, “I hope so.”

At least it was safe to say Liz was happy to see her son. When she opened the door, her facial expression immediately changed from confusion to maximal joy as she engulfed her youngest son in a crushing hug.

“Lukey, sweetie, I didn’t know you were coming!”

I stepped away a little, feeling like I was invading my boyfriend’s privacy even though I knew I was the next in line. And I was right – after cuddling her baby boy for an eternity she turned to me with the brightest smile.

“Mikey, you’re here, too! It’s been too long! Wow, you look like you’ve grown since the last time I saw you. That’s just incredible!”

And after these words I was hugged by her, too, as I greeted her with a warm smile. “It’s great to see you, Liz.”

Luke and I waited until Mrs. Hemmings had greeted Arzaylea, who was still a little pale, yet not as nauseatingly green as when we’d come off the plane. Then Luke’s mother led us down the hallway and into the kitchen I had spent half of my youth in.

For a moment I allowed myself to revel in good memories of me talking to a much smaller and lighter Luke, who was sitting on the counter and dangling his legs like a child. Once we’d stopped hating each other, we had had the best time of our lives, I had to admit.

It was really nice to think about the good old days when neither of us had been stressed or pregnant or even depressed.

“Why are you here, though?” Liz interrupted my thoughts and immediately came to the point we needed to talk about with her. “I thought you were playing this…kind of festival in a few days?”

I nodded my head, making sure to catch her gaze before moving on to vocally answering her question.

“We surely are – we didn’t know we were coming here until yesterday, but we would have called you anyway because there’s this thing we need to talk about to you and Andy, but preferably you first.”

I could witness panic starting to grow in Liz’ eyes as she looked at me in shock, her arms folded in front of her chest.

“What are you talking about? What happened? Is anybody hurt?”

“We’re okay,” I quickly reassured her, flashing Luke a glance when I felt him shift nervously beside him. I could tell he wasn’t dealing well with this situation, probably due to his emotional state of mind, but I knew we had to do this.

“We just need to tell you something. However, it’d be better if we could, like, grab lunch together tomorrow. It’s kind of a long story…”

“But… I don’t understand.”  
Liz looked and sounded utterly confused and I felt bad for causing her bewilderment. Luke and I had talked about telling our parents about the baby this morning before we had left for the airport, and we’d both agreed that we needed to tell them as soon as we were home.

We probably should have told them earlier, but we had both been too occupied with ourselves and the stress all of this was causing for us, so we had just kind of forgotten to call our families.

I was about to open my mouth and tell Liz she’d understand for the second time when surprisingly Luke spoke up, timid yet still loud enough for us to understand him.

“I promise, I’ll tell you tomorrow, mum, and you’ll understand. Please, just trust me with this. It will make sense.”

“Well, if you say so…” Liz shrugged, but I could tell by the way she was examining us with her eyes that she was still trying to figure out what was going on.

Again I was about to loosen up the tension in the room with a little joke when Luke opened his mouth again, asking:

“Mum?”

“What, sweetie?”

“Can Mikey stay the night? I promise I’ll help you set everything up, but I w- I need him to stay.”

And of course Liz, being the great and caring mother she was, nodded with a smile.

“Sure, Lukey, he can stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, yeah, i'm still there *crawls out from behind the trash can*
> 
> i'm very sorry for not updating during the past two weeks. i've been quite busy due to my birthday and i've also started to play volleyball recently (can u believe haikyuu made me LIKE sports? it's crazy).
> 
> so basically, i've been editing this story again and before, i was really self-conscious and worried that the character development wasn't described well. but after editing the next few chaps i'm quite confident i did a good job. you're in for a wild ride! (much angst to come).
> 
> also, one of the reasons i was busy was because i participated in the Haikyuu!! OT3+ Week (totally not because i became bts trash, nopity nope nope nope, not at all). i published five stories for matsuhanaiwaoi and bokuakakuroken, so if anyone is interested, you can read them here.
> 
> [Red](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10786023) | [At Camp](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10812579) | [Movie Marathon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10822482) | [Road Trip](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10830693) | [Karaoke Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10847904)
> 
> anyway. that's it for now, and as i said, prepare for a wild ride.


	21. Chapter 21

**_Luke_ **

****

Slowly, my eyes fluttered open to the quiet sound of someone breathing softly right next to my ear and the first sunbeams tickling my nose. I immediately remembered I was in my old bedroom at home, simply because I used to hate the fact that my window was facing eastwards and hence the sun would always wake me early.

However, now that I didn’t have to go to school anymore, I started to notice how nice the warmth that came with the beams felt on my skin.

I sighed, content with my state for once, and slightly relaxed against Michael’s sleeping form. Even though it was still early, I had had a very good sleep last night.

The past weeks my hormones and pretty much every symptom of the pregnancy had kept me up all night, along with the negative thoughts that were still torturing me. It was very hard to allow myself to fall asleep when the knowledge that something was wrong was always present in my brain.

It was just a little, nagging ache in one’s chest, almost unnoticeable, that wouldn’t go away – and the longer it was there the more tired one got.

Although I had been crying in Michael’s arms only last night, I had come to the conclusion that it wasn’t bad to be back at home. Having my family around me was really relaxing and I already felt like it had taken some of the pressure off my shoulders.

I just hoped my parents would accept the baby…

 

_____________________

 

I drifted off to sleep for a little and was only awoken again when Michael started to move beside me, mumbling incoherent words.

“Mike?” I raised my head from the pillow, still caught in the haze of sleep as I tried to guess what time it was.

“Luke? Are you awake?”

“Yes, I am,” I slurred. “D’you know what time it is?”

“No idea,” my boyfriend whispered as he pressed a kiss to me temple. “Cuddle?”

Willing to give him whatever he wanted, I moved into his open arms and let him embrace me as I enjoyed the feeling of being held. However, I could not quite ignore how frail and skinny his body felt next to mine.

“You okay, baby?” Michael asked after a while of silence, which was never awkward, though.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I replied with a frown, trying to sound as genuine as possible.

In the end I wasn’t even lying, was I? _Okay_ – that was what I was, or at least what I was supposed to be. I shouldn’t worry Michael just because my brain wouldn’t stop being silly and leave me alone.

“I don’t know. I was just wondering – you seemed pretty down yesterday because of…what they told you.”

And there it was again – the sadness.

However, this time it wasn’t just the stinging little pain that was constantly pestering me but never hurting enough to break me – it was a whole wave of negative feelings, from the melancholia of reliving old memories to the bone-crushing, heart-shattering wish of wanting to disappear.

Michael’s words had brought back all the things I had tried to suppress while being in here and the agonizing, almost physical pain I was experiencing as I remembered that my cowardice had destroyed the last place where I could be myself brought tears to my eyes.

 

If I hadn’t been so afraid of coming out and telling the people out there who I really was, I wouldn’t have had to fake a relationship with Arzaylea.

 

And if Arzaylea and I weren’t together, Modest wouldn’t make me move out of the apartment I had only recently bought with Michael.

 

I had been so happy when we’d bought it, I remembered painfully. Suddenly, there had been a place for us, somewhere we could do what we wanted and be ourselves. It had felt good to be able to return home after a long, exhausting day, knowing I could share my bed with my boyfriend.

Now I felt like my own stupidity had made me lose all of this. There was no way I could prevent the catastrophe, not only because I was already in too deep, like a fly caught in the web of a spider, but also because I was still afraid.

This stupid fear…

If I wasn’t such a wuss, Michael and I wouldn’t have to hide – however, if we _had_ come out we would have ended up like Louis and Harry.

_Apart, sad, in denial._

And nothing was worse than that.

Frankly, the whole situation was a dilemma and – although I might be wrong – I felt like I had caused all of this.

“Luke? Lukey?” Michael’s voice sounded like he was far away, on the other side of a long, dark tunnel I just couldn’t escape. “Please don’t cry, it’ll be okay, we’ll be fine! I promise you I won’t leave!”

“There’s no way they’ll let you stay,” I hoarsely choked out, tears still filling up my eyes.

By now, them spilling over had become a serious thread, no matter how eagerly I tried to wipe them away by rubbing my eyes.

“Especially when they find out about the- the real baby! They’ll break us up and it’ll be my fault because I started lying in the first place.”

“But they don’t kn-“

“They will find out eventually, and we both know it. And I’m just scared. I don’t want this to destroy us. I n-need you with m-me, I can’t be a g-good dad if you aren’t there. Shit, I don’t even want to be a father.”

And as I spoke a line of a song I knew all too well randomly slipped into my head and out of my mouth.

“Don’t let me drown, Michael, I beg you, please don’t let me drown.”

“Baby…”

He didn’t say anything – he just hugged me even tighter until I couldn’t breathe properly anymore. However, I didn’t feel like I was drowning because of him. His embrace and the warmth of his body made me feel protected, loved, even if it was only for a split second.

The unbearable weight in the middle of my lower abdomen was what made it hard to breathe. It made me incredibly sad that I couldn’t help but think of my child as a big, scary evil that was impending.

I was just done.

I wasn’t a good person, considering how I couldn’t even love my own child, which truly deserved better. I used to believe my character was alright, but as of now there was nothing I loved about myself.

And even though Michael made it all a little bit better, it was still killing me.

 

______________________

 

“What are we even going to say?” I hissed as Michael and I got off the bus we had taken.

We were on our way to the restaurant we had chosen to go to for lunch today, which was also the place where we were supposed to meet my mother, who had been at work all morning.

I was nervously clutching the handle of the bag in my hand, which I, admittedly, had borrowed from Arzaylea, since I needed something to transport the sonograms in without having to risk getting caught.

Normally, I kept the pictures hidden away, which was probably why I felt so anxious while taking them out with me. If anybody saw them, we were ruined.

“I don’t know,” he answered in a thoughtful tone. “Do you wanna explain or can I?”

“Uhm…can you, please?”

I pleadingly looked at him, hoping he’d take this weight off my shoulders.

My hands and legs were still shaky from crying so much earlier and, even though the excruciating pain I had experienced had mostly subsided and only left the familiar, dull ache behind, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

Arzaylea had immediately understood when Michael and I had finally emerged from my room, but my mum would surely ask a lot of questions and I was just not in the mood.

“Of course I can,” Michael reassured me as we crossed the streets, hands deeply buried in each of our pockets to resist the urge of intertwining our fingers. “Should I maybe start with Arzaylea and then tell her…about us?”

I shrugged, not really caring. My mind was still spinning with thoughts, although I was supposed to be better by now. I knew my hormones were absolutely out of control and I was supposed to have moodswings a lot, but I didn’t think I should still be sad.

I had also figured that Michael couldn’t know about the storm raging inside me – he would only start worrying again and I didn’t want to pester him with my problems.

“Do you think she’ll believe us?”

The words had slipped out of my mouth before my brain had even finished thinking of them and with a frown, I realized how much I was stressing about the conversation lying ahead of us.

But now that I had said it out loud, I suddenly started to imagine what would happen if my mother didn’t believe us. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it, I needed her – yet, to be honest, if a male had told me he was pregnant six months ago I wouldn’t have believed him…

“Liz?” Michael’s gaze wandered upwards and rested on the grey, clouded sky for a moment before finding mine again. “I hope so. I mean, of course it sounds crazy, but I’m sure she’ll support you. She loves you so much, Luke, you really don’t need to worry so much.”

I nodded at his words because maybe, he was right after all. Nonetheless, his words didn’t do a good job at calming my nerves and when we finally entered the small diner I felt like I was about to throw up because of how nervous I was.

My mum was already there and instantly beckoned us over with a smile.

“There you are, boys,” she cheered after giving both of us a tight hug. “I suppose this conversation is a very private one, so I ordered a table in the back of the restaurant. We won’t be disturbed.”

Without further ado, she led us to a small table in the corner of the room and motioned at us to sit down. I smiled when I noticed the little flower that was adorning the wooden table and took a seat beside Michael while my mum sat opposite us.

My boyfriend and Liz casually chatted for a little while until a waiter arrived and we ordered our food and drinks.

As soon as the man had disappeared, my mother looked around before she turned to us with a serious expression, slowly raising her eyebrow.

“And now, you’re gonna tell me why you’re here.”  
I could immediately feel my body tense up at her words, but Michael’s hand was already ready, soothingly rubbing my knee under the table, making me relax a little.

“It’s quite a long story and I don’t really know where to start,” he began talking and shot a glance at me before continuing, “management is mad at us – or more specifically at Luke.”

“And why’s that?” My mum, luckily, seemed absolutely oblivious. “Did anything happen? Is this about Arzaylea?”

Michael confirmed it with a small nod. “Pretty much.”

“That poor girl! She doesn’t even do anything and she’s not a bad person – they’re just unnecessarily dramatizing everything.”

She furiously shook her head at the thought of the Modest-workers and I had to smile at her. That was just like her – and one of the main reasons a lot of people liked her.

“Well, she made this dumb mistake.”

Michael didn’t look at Liz while he was talking. Instead, his gaze seemed to be fixated on the patterned tablecloth, which was oh-so-interesting all of a sudden.

“She’s pregnant.”

“What?” My mum looked at him as though he had just told her to flush herself down the toilet. “Excuse me?!”

“It’s true – she had unprotected sex and now we’re dealing with the consequences. You know about her agreement with Luke – he can’t just tell Modest it’s not his baby because that’d make everything even worse.

“Anyway, they are super pissed and want to force Luke to move out and buy a flat here. Apparently, he and Arzaylea need to ‘display unity’ in times like these.”

I could clearly tell that Michael was pissed and it broke my heart to know we had dragged him into this affair. Never had I wanted to make anything more difficult than it already was – but now everything was just a disaster.

I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump that was blocking my throat. I would not cry – not now, and definitely not here.

“B- I’m so sorry.” My mum sounded so genuinely sad that it almost seemed like she was the one whose love life was being destroyed right now. “If you two can’t cope anymore, I’ll talk to them. I can tell it’s making you very sad.”

“We’ll find a solution. I do have an idea, and I guess we’ll work this out somehow,” Michael told her. “However, that’s not all… There’s one specific reason we’re here today and- I don’t know how to say this. Arz is not the only one who’s pregnant.”

And right then, I couldn’t take it anymore. I let my head drop onto the table, not caring about my manners. There was nothing I wanted more than crawl into Michael’s arms and just forget about this nightmare.

However, I was painfully aware of the fact that we were in public and I couldn’t just throw myself at my boyfriend in search for some affection, a little love.

That was why I tensed up when I suddenly felt a tiny hand start to caress the back of my head as I breathed in and out, _in and out_.

Meanwhile, my mother stared at us, utterly confused.

“What are you talking about?”

“This sounds absolutely crazy and you probably won’t even believe us – hell, you’ll think we’re crazy – but we’re just speaking the truth.”

He lowered his voice to a point where I could barely understand him anymore although I was right next to him.

“I’m talking about Luke. Apparently, he’s pregnant.”

I honestly couldn’t stand the silence that followed his words – my heart clenched inside my chest as I refused to even peek up at the woman across the table, the one who had raised me, the one who I had trusted, the one whose turn it was to believe me.

It was obvious that Michael wasn’t dealing well with the lack of words, either, and even though he was still caressing my knee gently I could feel his fingers tense a little, which was why I knew it was fatal.

Over the years, my boyfriend had learned to hide what was going on beside him and keep up a happy and joyful exterior, when in reality, he was falling apart on the interior. It was very rare that even showed any signs of tension on the outside and whenever he did, I knew he had to feel very bad.

Of course that didn’t help me in the slightest – if anything, it made me break in even more, cracking under the endless pressure that was weighing down on us.

I had never been more relieved in my life than when, finally, my mum spoke up in a calm voice, one that didn’t give her thoughts away immediately.

“So, you’re telling me my _son_ , who’s obviously male, is experiencing something that normally only happens to females?”

Not capable of articulating another word, Michael nodded wordlessly while I was just petrified, anxiously awaiting my mother’s next words.

I remembered when I was younger her serene voice had always had a comforting effect on me. I had loved listening to her talking, whether she was telling someone a story, asking questions about my day or reading my favourite books to me.

She always used to run her hand through my hair as she pacified my younger, smaller self with her calm words – but now, without the physical affection, I felt like nothing in the world could be a greater torture than having to listen to her talking in this tone.

Truth be told, at that moment, I almost wished she was screaming and insulting us, or just plainly laughing at our explanation. However, she just sat there, wearing a stony façade that could as well be used during a game of poker.

“And why would that be?”

Michael was just about to answer her question, his mouth already hanging open, when suddenly, a very deep frown firmly imprinted itself on my mum’s face. It was as though she had already found the answer to her question herself, and a million other answers, too.

“Wait… I’m-“ she stuttered and I was finally able to muster up enough courage to look up at her and be met with the face of someone who’d just been hit by a breakthrough kind of realisation.

“Luke, I’m…” She disrupted herself again to slowly bring her hand near my stress-marked face, running a single finger down my pale cheek. “I just realised… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything – I thought it didn’t matter.

“They didn’t tell me it would matter!”

Suddenly, her shoulders slumped and she looked a lot smaller somehow, in a way I’d like to achieve someday, with her face buried in her hands.

“When you were born,” she began, her words muffled by skin and bones, “the doctors were confused about something. You were a healthy child, but nonetheless they did quite a few tests on you, including a check-over of your organs.

“I thought they were just checking if you were healthy, so I didn’t think anything of it when the doctor seemed a little hesitant when telling you were perfectly fine. And over the years I just forgot…

“But now that you’re telling my you’re…pregnant, it all makes sense. They must have known you were born with a female reproduction system, which I assume is the reason we’re here right now, but they never told us.”

“It’s not your fault,” I quickly told my mum in an attempt to calm her, even though my voice was wavering. “You didn’t know.”

“Do you have...pictures?”

It almost seemed like my mother was afraid to ask, so I sent her a smile and nodded while simultaneously burying my hand deep in Arzaylea’s bag to retrieve the pictures from the ultrasound.

“Here you are.”

And it turned out the next moment should change everything – no matter how the whole story turned out in the end, watching my mother see the photos of my child for the first time was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed.

At first she kept quiet, gazing at the picture in her hand in silent awe as she, very slowly, ran a finger through her semi-blonde hair, as if not to lose her grip on reality. I could tell Michael wanted to say something, but I raised my hand in order to shush him as I watched my mum react to my baby just as stunned.

My gaze followed her hand that reached for the picture and smoothed it down gently as if she was already dealing with a delicate, fragile little creature. She had surely handled a lot of kids in her life, but I hadn’t seen her look at a photo of one this lovingly before.

For the first time ever, the way someone looked at my child made me feel like I was carrying something precious, a gift from god that could only enrich my life. I had only ever thought of the growing I would have to face and the struggle of being even bigger, but now I finally saw the little human inside me that I was going to watch growing up, that was a product of the love of Michael and I.

And also for the first time ever a small smile crept onto my face at the thought of the baby while I heard my mother’s fond whisper, “it’s so beautiful.”

That was when I finally realised that maybe the pregnancy wouldn’t only be a burden but also an enrichment. And maybe I would be able to face this, with the help of Michael who claimed he loved me to no end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [i am caught in BTS hell help]


	22. Chapter 22

**_Luke_ **

 

My mum insisted on calling my other family members right after we’d exited the restaurant and merely an hour later, my dad knew he was going to be a grandfather and my brothers were cracking pregnancy-jokes.

However, I couldn’t really get mad at them. At the moment, I was just absolutely relieved that everything seemed to be working out right now and for the first time in months I let Michael look at my stomach when he asked to.

It was a miracle how my mother had managed to make everything better, but now, I swore I would be happy as long as I’d be given the opportunity to give birth to this child in peace. Arzaylea agreed with me when I told her about my day and my sudden outburst of love for the child.

She was actually excited and claimed she would make cute little clothes for our baby as soon as she’d settled down a little and saved her own baby’s future. At the moment she was already working on the applications she wanted to send to the school of Make Up Art she had once gone to, and I had to admit, judging from the variety of pictures of her work, she was pretty good.

We didn’t have a lot of time to talk, though, because Jack and Celeste had spontaneously decided to visit and my dad came home from work as well. This evening we all dined together and I was relieved that the atmosphere in the room was still as casual as ever, even though the ‘news’ were the number one topic that evening.

I enjoyed being around my family a lot and when Michael and I went upstairs after two hours of watching TV together and carelessly bantering, I was very exhausted yet also a lot happier than the nights before.

Michael and I lay down together, my head atop his chest and him gently rubbing circles on my back. I could have gone to sleep like that, but just when I felt the darkness slowly overwhelm me and let my tired eyelids droop, my boyfriend suddenly spoke up:

“Do you remember what I said today?”

“Huh?” I sleepily raised my head from his upper body, looking around in a bit of disoriented daze.

“When we talked to Liz I said- I said that I had an idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Well…” Michael sighed deeply and I wrinkled my forehead as I tried to get my concentration back, facing his features which had been marked by worry. “You’re probably not gonna like all of it, but at least we could stay together. Like, maybe they’d let us keep the flat.”

“What’s the matter, Mike? You can tell me, you know – everything is better than having to give up the apartment we’re sharing.”

“That’s what I thought… So, what if I asked Crystal to move in? I know you don’t like her, but she’s a decent person and she’s looking for a place to live anyway… Maybe I could convince management that it’d be better if we lived together with our…girlfriends?”

I could feel my frown grow even deeper at Michael’s last words as I shook my head in disbelief.

“But – she’s not your girlfriend. There are enough lies, I don’t wanna add another, really…”

“Yeah, I know. But I could tell them we’re still trying to figure everything out – Crystal and I, I mean. I could buy us some time.”

“I may not like to admit it, but you’re right,” I hesitantly agreed after a few moments of silence. “I’ll definitely think about your suggestion – I mean, of course I’ll put up with her for you, for us. I love you, after all.”

“Yes, you do,” Michael smiled and tightened his grip around my back as he carefully pecked my forehead. “And you know what? I love you, too, Lukey. To the moon and back.”

And I wouldn’t lie if I said his words put my mind off Crystal and all the other drama that night. I fell asleep with the sound of his soft voice still ringing through my ears, almost drowning me in fondness.

To know Michael loved me, after all the drama, pain and tears, chased away the demons for a while – it let me go to sleep in peace and wake up calmly in the next morning, for once looking forward to what was lying ahead of us.

That was when I realised that maybe he was what I needed to focus on. He was the only one that mattered to me and the only one who could save me from myself for a while, even if it was only temporary.

I was lucky I had already found that one person I wanted to spend my whole life with, and I couldn’t waste this gift just because I was too scared. But if I focused on him, on us, maybe my whole situation would improve.

 

_____________________

 

“Does my hair look okay? Please, tell me my hair looks okay, Jack ruffled it when I left and it took me hours to get it straight – god, I hate him so much sometimes,” I rambled as I nervously shifted on the passenger seat, the movement creating an unpleasant noise when fabric rubbed against fabric.

“You’re fine, Lukey, stop stressing,” Arz told me as she turned left rather dashingly, making my body abruptly jolt to one side.

“God, I hate the law of gravity,” I groaned while I readjusted myself on the seat, tightening my seatbelt when I noticed how loose it had become. “Can you please be a little more careful with my mum’s car, by the way?”

“Sure, sweetie.”

The brunette winked at me and stepped on the brake a second later so that I flew forward again, almost hitting my head on the rear-view mirror which, admittedly, was a little too close to my face in general.

Still, I glowered at Arzaylea, who was carelessly whistling a happy tune just to piss me off. I shook my head at my friend, wondering why I had asked her to drop me off at Michael’s in the first place.

I could just have taken my mum’s car myself and made her wait for the bus. Instead, I had been nice and offered her to use the car, provided that she would also pick me up later. However, now that I’d witnessed and perceived the way she treated the poor car I was seriously considering taking the bus later.

Maybe I could even stay at Michael’s parents’ place until tomorrow.

This morning, my boyfriend had left to visit his family pretty early, since we our plane back to the US was taking off tomorrow evening already – however, I was supposed to join the Cliffords for dinner to break the news to them.

That was why a kind of anxiety that I hadn’t felt in years was bubbling up in my stomach right now. It wasn’t the stressing type of nervousness and more like anticipation, mixed with happy excitement.

I remembered when I had first visited Michael’s parents as his official boyfriend I had been like this, even though he had told me a thousand times that Mr. and Mrs. Clifford fully supported our relationship and were happy we had found each other.

Nonetheless, I had still felt like throwing up when I finally stood on that last doorstep, only inches away from pressing the bell button. Today, the situation was slightly more difficult than back then, but after the conversation with my mum yesterday I was a little bit surer about myself, determined that Michael’s parents wouldn’t hate us.

“Uhm…the display says we’re right in front of the house,” Arzaylea’s voice harshly startled me from my reverie and finally made me lift me gaze, only to find the car parking right in front of the Clifford’s house.

“You’re right,” I awkwardly told Arzaylea as I opened the door with shaky hands, waving a nervous goodbye to my friend.

“Don’t I get a thank you?!” she jokingly yelled at me through the semi-open window and I quickly re-opened the door to press a smacking peck to her cheek.

“There you go,” I laughed as I watched her wipe imaginary saliva off her face, a disgusted expression dominating her features for a second. “I’ll call you when I need you to pick me up. Have fun in Sydney!”

“You, too, preggo lover boy!” she exclaimed and stepped on the gas pedal, making the car hop forward before speeding down the usually calm alley.

I winced at the sound of the roaring engine, trying not to think about the things my best friend was doing to the car right now while I slowly walked up the few doorsteps in front of the house, stopping in front of the plate of dark wood that represented the entrance.

For a moment I had to muster up a little courage, cautiously moving my finger towards the bell button. Should I press it?

Of course I had to, if I didn’t want to be late – and so I did.

Karen and Daryl Clifford welcomed me just as kindly as any other time I had entered their house, with proud smiles on their faces and warm eyes that looked at me like I was their second son.

“Mikey is upstairs,” his mother told me after I had taken off my shoes. “He’s playing COD, but I guess I can’t ban him from doing it anymore.”

I was still silently smiling at her words when I entered Michael’s room, which was still located on the upper floor and illuminated as poorly as ever. And my idiotic boyfriend was sat on the floor in the dark, right in front of the TV, probably ruining his eyes.

Therefore, the first thing I did, being the caring lover I was, was press the dimly glowing button right beside the door, watching Michael wince and squirm under the bright lights in amusement.

“What the fuck?!” I heard him curse and quickly yet silently made my way over to him, covering his eyes with my hands.

“It isn’t very nice to greet your boyfriend by cursing at him,” I whispered and Mike whined like a little child, weakly hitting my arms.

“Shut up, Luke!”

“Wow, you sound just like you did three years ago,” I stated as I plopped down on the floor next to him. “Is this room a wormhole or something?”

Michael sniggered at my comment. “Well, shouldn’t entering turn you into shy, little Lukey who didn’t dare ask if he could suck my dick then?”

Now it was definitely my turn to blush deeply and hit his arms lightly with my fists, pouting at him.

“Shut up, meaniepants.”

“Goddammit, Lukey, you’re such an idiot, but at the same time you’re unbearably cute.” Without any warning or hesitation, Michael turned around and placed his mouth on mine, his tongue not even waiting for me to give him entrance.

I let out a surprised moan at his unsuspected action but kissed back just as eagerly, my hand finding his neck and the little curls of hear covering the back of his head. We made out quite a while until our kisses grew calmer and gentler again, letting go of the previous heat but providing a new fondness instead.

“We should go downstairs sometime,” I breathed out when we broke apart for the first time in minutes, burying myself into my boyfriend’s warm, hoodie-covered side. “Your parents are probably wondering why we’re taking so long.”

“Don’t worry, they probably think we’re fucking in here anyway – they’re used to it by now,” Michael smirked at me as I let out a whine at his words.

“Stop it.”

“You wish – anyway, we should probably really get going, though. Take my hand?”

And that was how we went down the stairs, with our fingers laced together, the biggest and goofiest smiles on our faces when Karen told us dinner was ready.

Michael and I decided to wait with the news until everyone had finished their food. Apparently, he didn’t want to have his parents choke on this lovely dinner, he had told me, but I knew we were both just waiting for the right moment.

Funnily, this talk started in a very similar way to the one we’d had with my mum yesterday when Karen wanted to know why we were visiting in the first place. Again, Michael and I exchanged a few quick glances in order to figure out who was going to talk – however, unlike last time, I actually volunteered this time.

He had told my parents and now I was going to tell his.

“It’s kind of a crazy story,” I started as I flashed the Cliffords a cracked smile. “So, you may know the girl who pretends to be my girlfriend, Arzaylea. She’s in trouble at the moment, so management sent us here.

“But anyway, Michael and I gotta announce something much more important.”

“Uhm…so?” Karen sternly raised an eyebrow at her son while her husband apparently preferred to watch us act in silence, which made me slightly nervous.

I pressed wrists against each other in order to reduce the pressure that was resting on my shoulders, taking a deep breath to calm the racing heart in my chest before I finally told them:

“This sounds crazy, but I’m pregnant.”  
Also much like my mother Karen immediately wrinkled her forehead, however, she didn’t seem to believe me at all.

“You must be kidding me,” she confusedly replied. “Please, can you be serious for a minute?”

“But what I said is true,” I answered, slightly overwhelmed by her response and completely unsure of what to do. “I’m not joking, I wouldn’t lie to you. We were more than thunderstruck, too, but it turned out I’m carrying Michael’s child.”

“But you’re a guy – only women can get pregnant!” Michael’s mother shot back and with worry I watched her facial expression slowly change from confusion to anger, annoyance controlling her features.

However, before Michael and I even got the chance to explain ourselves Mr. Clifford, who had stayed silent up until this point, suddenly stepped in with a kind of firmness I hadn’t expected from him.

“They are telling the truth,” he confirmed as he gripped his wife’s arm and pulled her a little closer. “I read about this a while ago and found it interesting how scientists only found out about it a while ago. To be honest, I didn’t think it’d ever affect us, but it looks like it does now.”

“So…we’re going to be grandparents.”

Karen didn’t sound strong and certain anymore and when I looked at her I noticed how she’d kind of shrunk at Daryl’s words, as if this new knowledge was too much to take in.

And, ironically, I exactly knew what she had to feel like right now – after all I had been in her position only weeks ago, seeing the life I had known before flash in front of my eyes after the confirmation of my pregnancy.

“I’m in the second trimester already, the bump’s going to start showing soon,” I mumbled, suddenly feeling absolutely drained of confidence – the sureness just seemed to have bled out of my body at the sight of Michael’s mother. “I hope you’re not mad.”

“We’re not,” Daryl was quick to tell me. “It’s perfectly fine – we just didn’t expect this kind of news yet. But I’m sure you two will be amazing parents.”

“Me, too,” Karen agreed and sighed afterwards. “I’m sorry if I can’t show any…satisfying reaction right now, I’m just overwhelmed. But, trust me, Luke; I only want the best for you two.”

After that, I only showed them the pictures of the ultrasound before Michael and I withdrew from his parents to give them a little bit of privacy.

I didn’t stay the night that time – not because I didn’t feel welcomed in the Clifford household anymore, but because I knew Michael had to deal with his parents by himself and I was in no position to disturb them.

But it didn’t matter anyway – we would be together tomorrow anyway, during our flight back to Los Angeles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love how originally, this would have been chapter 13 out of 27 of this story, but since i divided a lot of chapters, we are already at chapter 22.
> 
> also, got any predictions? i'm so excited for the plot to evolve further.
> 
> on a last note, i found out that if i ever were to make a fanfiction trailer about this story, i would use bts' jimin's "lie" because the lyrics (at least partly) fit really well for luke and arzaylea. after all, this story involves a lot of lying.
> 
> ~caught in a lie, free me from this hell, i can't escape from this suffering~


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello...it's sleep-deprived me

_**Arzaylea** _

****

The time we had left in Sydney ran out way too fast. When I arrived at the airport two hours before our plane was supposed to depart, I felt like I had just crossed these halls, filled with anticipation at the thought of spending the next three days in Luke’s hometown.

Apart from the fact that time had literally flown by, I hadn’t been disappointed at all – in fact I hadn’t wanted to leave the Hemmings’ house for anything in the world this morning before I had taken the bus to Sydney.

Luke’s parents were always kind and welcoming, treating me like a part of the family even though I was just their son’s fake girlfriend. It was safe to say that the members of the Hemmings family were easily the most friendly and forgiving people.

Just yesterday, Liz had insisted on having an hour-long conversation with me because she had been worried about my condition – instead of shaming me because of the one-night-stand she had offered to help me with the baby whenever I needed her support.

I was very grateful for her kindness and the fact that I got to spend time with her, especially as she was the complete reverse of my own mother, whom I hadn’t even told about my child yet. She would just yell at me anyway…

As I sat down on a bench at the airport, waiting for the two lovebirds I would travel with, I took advantage of my opportunity and reflected on everything that had happened to me those past few days.

Apparently, Modest Management weren’t exactly fond of me expecting – but at the same time they had basically given me a place where I could live when they had said I needed to move in with Luke.

I felt very bad for him, aware of how much stress this whole situation was causing – luckily, he had seemed to have recuperated a little yesterday, but I was dreadfully awaiting the day his strong façade would crumble again.

I just knew it would come.

What I wasn’t dreading but excitedly looking forward to, though, was sending away my job applications. I had finally decided I wanted to become a waiter to earn some money for when I could go to Make Up School again.

The job wasn’t the best-paid one, yet I was sure with my looks and the “Luke’s-girlfriend-bonus” (which I felt a little guilty for making use of) I would be able to find a restaurant-owner that would be willing to hire me in no time.

Luke and Michael arrived about 15 minutes later, looking a little tired yet absolutely happy, which was a rare occasion these days. Since there wasn’t a lot of time left, we quickly did the security check and soon we had all gotten situated in the private plane Modest Management had booked for us.

Luke and Michael were talking to each other in hushed voices through the first hours of the flight while I read a few magazines about fashion and make up trends I had bought before we’d left – I wanted to make a good impression when re-applying for the school.

After dinner, which was surprisingly nice although we were currently on a plane, the two lovebirds next to me decided to watch a movie and Luke ended up fast asleep barely an hours later while Michael and I were still awake, staring at our phones, unable to slip into unconsciousness.

The sky soon grew darker and darker, but my body still didn’t seem like it would allow me to fall asleep anytime soon, so I stared out of the window, inwardly cursing my insomnia. The silence that was filling the plane by now was boring, but at least it was peaceful and I had time to think about my plans for the future again.

Having been completely occupied with my own thoughts, I was surprised to say the least and startled to say the most when suddenly a hushed whisper rang out to me.

“Arz? You still awake?”

“Michael? What the fuck?” I hissed as I readjusted myself in the seat, trying to get as comfortable as I had been before the sudden noise had made me jump.

“So you are. Insomniac?”

“Yeah…”

“Same. It’s because of my depression.”

“I don’t know what my body’s problem is – I just know it sucks.”

“Agreed.”

Again, there were a few moments of deadly silence until Michael spoke up again.

“Did Luke talk to you?”

“About what?”

“About the flat.”

I frowned, not knowing where he was going with this comment, so I pushed myself up from my slightly hunched position, turning to the guitarist.

“No, what about it? Did you figure out how to solve this problem?”

“Not in the way you’d expect us to.”

Michael sighed deeply and I could see his eyes wetly glistening under the faint light that penetrated into this room from the cockpit, indicating he was looking at me.

“Luke and I need to live together, for our sake and for the baby’s. He would break without this last place of privacy and I reckon I would, too. However, we can’t disobey management’s orders if we don’t wanna come out to them, which I agree would be fatal at this point.

So I figured you could move in with us and I’ll ask Crystal and tell management that we’re not quite sure what we are, like, relationship-wise. Obviously, that’s bullshit, but it’ll buy as time, as I told Lukey…”

“But…he hates Crystal,” I stated confusedly. “And she’s not too fond of him, either. Do you think it’s gonna work?”

“I hope so,” Michael sighed. “But I need you to help me make sure Lukey’s okay. I can’t have anything happen to him.”

His last words finally brought a smile to my lips as I nodded to signal him I support him.

“Sure I will. You two deserve to be happy. More than anyone else in this world.”

***************************

Michael ended up officially asking Crystal to move in with all of us a few days after the plane ride when we went to Warped Tour together. By then, I had moved most of my stuff to the Muke apartment and happily sorted out half of my clothes.

I had decided to sell them on a cute website online since they were mostly intact, had barely been worn by me and looked pretty good after all.

Crystal, who I’d told about this decision on our way to the festival, had scrunched up her nose and mumbled something about ‘not understanding how I could just throw away my clothes like this’.

Well – I had simply come to the conclusion that a mother-to-be did not need twenty different dresses.

Other than having to deal with a slightly annoying and over-the-moon Crystal, who wouldn’t shut up about how ‘hot ass’ Michael looked with his partly bleached hair, Warped Tour was a great experience.

Luke and Michael met up with a few friends and we went to see a few bands, including Sleeping With Sirens, who were my personal favorites at the moment. We all had a lot of fun, until Brian Logan Dales asked Luke and Michael to perform a song with his band on stage, but while the younger singer gladly accepted his boyfriend politely refused.

He told me and Luke he needed alone-time to talk to Crystal and that’s why I and my ‘boyfriend’ where the only ones who headed toward The Summer Set’s stage a few minutes later.

“Let’s wait here until the show actually starts,” I suggested when we reached the right side of the stage, even though Luke would have to go to the left side later. “Are you enjoying it so far?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I mean, we got to see SWS, dude, they were awesome!”

“They were indeed,” I agreed, laughing, “but don’t you dare ‘dude’ me ever again, Hemmings!”

We bantered about the band and the songs they’d played for a while, but I couldn’t help but notice the way Luke would nervously glance around and constantly biting his lip, even though his smile seemed to be a real one at times.

It took me a while to finally muster up enough courage to ask him about it – I didn’t want to ruin his good mood or even end the happy phase he was in right now. However, I knew I needed to talk to him.

“Are you okay?” I finally inquired after a while, examining his facial expressions with worry evident in my eyes. “You seem kind of…distracted.”

“I’m just…” Luke trailed off, a deep sigh interrupting his words as his shoulders slumped a little, making the oversized shirt he was wearing seem even baggier around his chest and stomach, even though it was just supposed conceal the baby bump he was hiding slightly and not to make it completely disappear.

“Hey, is this about Crystal?” I asked, sympathy lacing my voice. “She’s a difficult person, but you won’t have to deal with her for a long time, I promise. I’ll kick her out if she’s being mean.”

“She doesn’t like me,” Luke huffed. “She probably thinks I’m a baby or something – for god’s sake, she’s 32!”

“Well, she’s right in that case, you are a babe, Lukey,” I cooed at his pouty grimace while I slowly stretched out my hand to feel his small bump. “You’re incredibly cute with that little tummy of yours – your baby will be the cutest one alive.”

“Stop making me blush, Arz!” Luke pouted even more, but I didn’t obey his order and instead started to caress his arm with my fingers in order to comfort him.

“What I’m saying is just the truth. Everyone will be jealous of you and Michael and your wonderful, wonderful relationship. Fuck Crystal, fuck the haters. You two are going strong, and that’s the only thing that matters.”

Then, realizing what I had just said, I slightly giggled at my own words as I returned the blonde’s firm gaze. “I don’t even know why I just gave you that pep talk, but whatever.”

The next thing I knew was that Luke did something that caught me completely off guard – it would be a tremendous understatement to say I was only surprised by his actions. In fact, I was shocked to the core.

The feeling of warm lips meeting mine wasn’t completely unfamiliar to me, yet I couldn’t think of any situation where we hadn’t talked about it first. Of course I kissed him back when Luke leaned in, but my mind was racing and I couldn’t concentrate on his warm breath gently grazing the skin around my mouth.

Why was Luke kissing me? What did he want to prove? Were there any cameras around?

As soon as I got the chance to, I pulled away from the singer, who was, for some strange reason, looking at me with a mix of fondness and something similar to happiness in his eyes, lips curved upwards into a smile.

I looked at him with wide eyes, absolutely stunned, and suddenly he seemed to realize he had just kissed me without telling me before, which was pretty weird, considering we were only friends.

“Oh, was that weird? Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Arz,” Luke started to ramble, a blush heating up his cheeks. “I just didn’t know how to show you I am very grateful. You- I mean, friends can kiss each other, can’t they? I just wanted you to know I’m more than glad you’re helping me out every time.”

“Oh, that’s why you did that!” I exclaimed as it suddenly dawned on me. “No, it totally isn’t weird – actually, it’s really sweet if you think about it. I was just taken aback a little, but it’s alright I promise. Aww, Luke, you’re just such a sweetheart.”

And with that I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his again, returning his action. We talked for another few minutes until the show of The Summer Set started and Luke had to head to the right side of the stage. Meanwhile, Michael and Crystal had returned, too, but neither of them told us what had happened between them until Luke was done performing with Brian.

It turned out Crystal had (of course) agreed to move in with us and, as she told me later, she was absolutely excited to be living with Michael. I kind of kept my mouth shut when she started rambling about how she would get him to be her boyfriend soon, not wanting to be the one to break the news of Michael’s gayness to her.

She would find out sooner or later, but if Michael didn’t trust her yet, I couldn’t tell her. And that’s why I just listened to her in silence, pulling a ‘Bryana Holly’ and just nodding politely at her every sentence.

 ****************************

My next doctor’s appointment was scheduled to take place the day after we’d gone to Warped Tour, or more specifically, the afternoon. Crystal was so eager to move in with Luke, Michael and me, but mostly with the bleached-blonde lead-guitarist, that she spent all morning taking her stuff to the apartment.

I knew that fans had most likely seen her because she complained to me about the ‘hateful glances’ she was receiving from ‘uneducated, ignorant children’, but I didn’t think they had found out the exact address of our flat yet.

One of the rare yet very much existent advantages of living with Crystal was her little dog, South. I had always loved the idea of owning a pet, but I had never gotten to the point where I’d actually invested in one, and since Luke and Michael were constantly touring, they didn’t have their dogs with them, either.

Therefore, having the cute little ball of fluff around all the time was a welcome change in our daily lives, even though the puppy liked to yep about nothing, just like its owner.

Anyway, after successfully moving in with us Crystal decided she needed to walk her dog and clear her head a bit, which left Michael, Luke and me to stay at the flat. Earlier, I had run and gotten a few wraps from a store around the corner and now we were finally consuming the surprisingly delicious mixtures of vegetables, salad and chicken.

“About Calum and Nia,” Michael said after a while of silence, which had only been interrupted by quiet chewing and swallowing noises from time to time, “do you think they’re going out for real or it’s just promo for HV.”

“I don’t know,” Luke shrugged as he put his half-eaten vegetarian wrap back onto the plate. “Like, he didn’t say anything to me and we’re mostly teasing him about it, obviously. But I phoned Ash this morning and he wouldn’t shut up about how annoyingly flirty they are being, even when apart.”

“Hah, sometimes you’d think he has a crush on Cal!” Michael wiped a tissue over his mouth before scrunching it up and throwing it at me. “Hit ya in the head, Arzee!”

“Fucker,” I muttered. “And about Cashton, I totally believe it’s real. But Nia’s a cool girl and she never brags about Cal’s fame or anything.”

“We barely hang out,” Luke stated matter-of-factly. “We never really had that connection with HV, sans Casey. Nia is pretty cool, I guess. Yet, I’m voting for the Cashton theory!”

“Same, such an OTP,” Michael agreed. “Well, but I kinda ship you with Crys, Arz. Like, Cryzalea?”

“No way, never! I’d never date someone who behaves like their dog.”

“Like their- Oh, I get it.”

“Way to be smart, Clifford.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”  
Michael let out a laugh at my words. “I only make Luke shut up, if you know what I mean.” Then he winked at me, ignoring the fake gagging noises I was making, and turned to his boyfriend. “You not hungry, baby?”

“Uhm… Not really.” Luke looked like he had just been caught doing something naughty, but I brushed it off as nothing, especially since he seemed to be just fine a few seconds later.

We talked until Crystal came back and I had to leave for the doctor’s office. Luke had offered to drive me, but I had turned down his suggestion, claiming he needed to rest, which was most likely true.

 ************************

I arrived at the office even before it had turned 3:00 pm, which meant I would have to wait over 15 minutes. I decided to kill time by reading one of the tabloids they kept in the waiting room and soon my name was called out.

The doctor, whose name was Alexander Stewart, greeted me with a friendly smile and began to ask questions about my condition after I had sat down in front of his massive desk. We soon came to the point where he asked me to lie down on the exam table and remove the lower part of my shirt so that he could carry out the ultrasound.

“Looks like you’ve got a strong little baby there, Miss Rodriguez,” Dr. Stewart told me while he closely observed the picture the little tool he was holding had created. “You’re in the ninth week, right?”

“That’s correct,” I quickly confirmed.

“Well, we’ll most likely be able to find out the gender of your child next time.” Dr. Stewart smiled again and turned off the monitor. “I suppose you know that you’re not supposed to consume alcohol, drugs and certain types of medication?”

“Yeah, I know. Could you maybe print out the pictures of the ultrasound?”

“Of course, Miss Rodriguez. You can get them at the reception. It looks like we’re done for now.”

“Thank you very much, I’ll let you know if there are any problems.”

“See you next time, Miss Rodriguez.”

With that the doctor headed out of the room, leaving me to put my shirt back on correctly and get up from the table. As soon as I had made sure I had grabbed my purse and my keys, I exited the room, quickly scurrying towards the reception to get the pictures.

I wanted to send them to Jake, yet not because I thought he cared but because I didn’t want to give up on trying.

“Here you go,” the lady behind the reception counter said with a smile as she handed over the papers, which I quickly stuffed into my bag in order to avoid having anyone see them. I knew I couldn’t afford to have the fans know and the woman who was waiting next to me was already giving me weird looks, so I hurriedly left the office.

About half an hour later, I had just arrived at the apartment and carelessly thrown my bag onto the couch before hurrying to the bathroom where I quickly relieved my bladder. The constant need to pee was definitely a disadvantage of being pregnant I realized as I headed back into the living room to grab the prints of the sonograms.

I could feel a small smile tug at my lips when my eyes followed the delicate curves of my baby’s tiny body. It was incredibly hard to believe that this perfect little human was growing inside of my body, safe from the cruel, loud world outside but yet exposed to soft voices and dim lighting.

“You little monkey – because of you, mommy has to pee all the time,” I fondly whispered to myself, or in this case my baby. “I bet you’re gonna pester me all the time once you’re born. Just kidding, baby. I’m sure you’ll be the most precious human earth has ever seen.”

For a moment, I kept quiet in order to check if there were any noises indicating my new flatmates would turn up within the next five minutes. It wasn’t like I was trying to keep my ultrasound pictures hidden away from Michael and Luke, they already knew about the baby after all.

However, I knew if Crystal found out, which I hoped she hadn’t already, she would start to gossip and her friends happened to be the ones who had ditched me at that club. I frowned, realizing this was the first time in weeks that I had thought about them.

Mia used to be so important to me and there had been a time when I had believed nothing could split us up – yet it had turned out that the simple news of me expecting a baby had been able to completely tear our friendship apart.

I could vividly remember how bitter she had sounded when she’d told me she just wanted to have a little fun with her best friend. Our definition of the word ‘friends’ had already started to differ back then, but now I couldn’t imagine having her around and I was positive she didn’t want to hang out anymore, either.

Theoretically, Mia was capable of exposing me and telling the world all my dirty little secrets – however, I didn’t reckon her newfound hatred towards me was big enough yet to make her want to really shatter me.

Of course, I had made the roof of her castle of carefreeness and alcohol cave in, but in the end she would get over it and carry on with what she’d done before – drinking and doing coke.

I sighed at the thought of my ex-best friend wasting her life and decided not to think about it anymore. When I was sure nobody was home I picked up my phone from the table and went into camera mode, positioning the ultrasound prints in front of the lens so that I could snap a few quick pictures of them.

Once I was done I started typing a message in a tremendous hurry, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. It only took me a few seconds to write down the few words I had thought of before, which were addressed to Jake.

_“I was at the doctor’s this morning and although I know you probably won’t care, here are the pics of the baby. Enjoy.”_

The last word was meant to sound a little ironical, since I didn’t want to give Jake the impression of me being a helpless woman – and, truth be told, I supposed I did quite a good job there.

I was just about to stuff the prints back into my bag when suddenly a noise rang out from behind me, leaving me absolutely startled as I frantically tried to hide the pictures.  
“Arz? What are you doing?” The female voice which sounded pretty nasal and therefore absolutely familiar let all my hopes sink at once.

Of course it couldn’t have been Luke or Michael walking in on me – it had to be Crystal.

“Uhm… Nothing,” I vaguely replied, still trying to think of a way to make the prints disappear within the next 2 seconds while Crystal slowly made her way over to me.

“What are you… The fuck?!” The change in her voice as soon as she had spotted the pictures was absolutely unmistakable and I sighed in defeat when I realized there was no point in hiding my secret anymore.

The ultimate catastrophe had already happened with Crystal walking in on me and finding out – well, if I had known what was bound to happen later I wouldn’t have been so rash in my judgement.

However, at that very moment the only thing I could think of was finding a way to not give away anything about Luke and Michael.

“Ultrasound pics?” A deep frown wrinkled Crystal’s forehead as she drew closer to take a more careful look at the prints. “What does this mean, Arz?”

“What do you think it does?” I snapped at her, quickly collecting all of the pictures and stuffing them all into my bag to keep them from other curious stares. “It’s pretty obvious, ain’t it?”

“So, you’re pregnant.”

“Well, I’m surprised the others didn’t tell you yet. They must have been gossiping about this like crazy.”

“What others?”

“Mia, Corey, my dearest friend Pat.”

“What?! When did you tell them?”

“They found out on accident,” I sighed, not exactly in the mood to explain the whole story to a slightly addle-brained seeming Crystal. “They shamed me and I turned around and walked away. No big deal.”

“And is it Luke’s?” Crystal wanted to know, eager to learn everything about my pregnancy.

“What?”

“The baby.”

“Oh… Well – apparently not.” I shook my head as I acted like I regretted what had happened yet didn’t care enough to Luke and I’s relationship to tell him or fix things between us. It didn’t matter what I made Crystal believe; in the end, she just couldn’t find out about Luke and Michael.

“Thank god!” the 32-year-old huffed in the meantime, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “You wouldn’t wanna have carried that big baby’s child, would ya?”

“Crystal!” I hissed. “What are you talking about?! You’re literally living in his house – why are you saying shit about him?”

“Wow, back off, I figured things between you two weren’t going as smoothly anymore,” Crystal immediately went into self-defense mode. “I mean, he is pretty much a pussy, isn’t he? I’m just saying…”

That was when I decided I’d had enough of my ‘friend’s’ behavior, which was absolutely intolerable in my opinion. I straightened my back in order to appear taller than I actually was and planted myself in front of her, glaring menacingly.

“He’s my boyfriend, Crystal, and I surely won’t tolerate you talking shit ‘bout him when you literally live off him. I don’t care if you love Michael or whatever, but if you dare say another word about Luke I’ll get them to kick you out of this apartment. Have I made myself clear enough?”

The last words were more spat than said and apparently my narrowed eyes that were shooting daggers at Crystal and my arms propped up on my hips were more than effective. The model visibly shrunk in front of me as she avoided my gaze, shifting uncomfortably.

“Whatever.”

“Perfect. Oh, and don’t you dare tell Luke about this.”

“I won’t.”

“Fine. Now, go.”

And she did. Actually, I had never seen her move faster than right then, spinning around and hurrying out of the room as quickly as she could. As soon as I was sure she had disappeared I let out an annoyed huff.

If we really had to put up with her until Michael and Luke managed to solve their problem, I would surely have to possess my soul in patience – because otherwise I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive the next months.

 *************************

After the incident with Crystal I was in an incredibly bad mood and refused to talk to anyone, even when Michael and Luke returned from their little trip. I just hoped our lovely fourth flatmate would keep her mouth shut towards Luke, since his self-confidence already barely existed.

I insisted on dining in the spare room which was now my home, not really in the mood to deal with anyone and interact with other human-beings. In fact I felt so stressed out by the argument that I decided to take a bath in the luxurious Jacuzzi tub Michael and Luke’s apartment featured.

However, my plans on relaxing were thwarted by the buzzing of my phone which harshly disrupted the pleasingly peaceful silence I had eaten in. I groaned and put down my fork, reaching for the nerve-racking device in order to turn down the volume and find out who was disturbing my dining, but as soon as I’d read the caller ID I knew there was no ignoring the call.

My pulse certainly sped up until it was going twice as fast as normal when I answered the call with fingers that had grown shaky and sweaty all of a sudden.

_Why now?,_ was the only thing I could ask myself. _Did Crystal tell her? She’s probably gonna sue my ass – why else would she call? We haven’t talked in months? Why is she calling now? What does she want?_

“Arzaylea Rodriguez?” I rasped out, my eyes fixated on a spot my dinner had created on my bedsheets while I waited for a reply.

And that reply did come for sure – it was so loud that I thought it had wrecked my eardrum for a moment, before I realized I could still very well understand the things the person on the other side of the line was screaming at me.

“Why would you do that?!” The girl’s voice was so shrill that I felt the need to cover my ears with my hands, but I had been petrified from the moment I had seen who was calling.

“I knew you were a manipulative, filthy bitch – no, actually, I always stood up for you when someone tried to insult you. Looks like I’ve been wrong all the time! I just- I don’t understand why you would do this to me?!

“Are you jealous? God, you’re dating a world-famous rockstar, for god’s sake! Jake and I have finally gotten together and you just go and…and destroy it!”

“Hal, I…” I struggled for words, absolutely unable to say anything, to defend myself in the slightest.

_That’s it_ , I kept thinking. _This must be it. It’s over. Jake will not keep quiet._

But how on earth had Hayley found out?

I shook my head at myself, trying to clear my head and fight back the lump in my throat that was threatening to bring tears to my eyes as Jake’s girlfriend continued to yell at me.

“You’re a liar, Arz! You’re a goddamn liar, and an attention-whore! Why would you manipulate our relationship like this? You’re the worst…”

She had started sobbing somewhere in-between the sentences and my heart ached in my chest for her – she wasn’t supposed to have to pay for my fault, but right now it looked like Jake and I’s stupid mistake was destroying her relationship.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered into my phone, broken, in an attempt to keep this from happening. “I’m so sorry, Hal. I didn’t know you and Jake were…you know what!”

“Stop lying to me!” Hayley yelled furiously and for a moment I was worried she was going to throw her phone against the wall. “Stop fucking lying! You can’t just go and send my boyfriend pictures from some random ultrasound, pretending it’s his child!

“It’s not our fault you’re a slut who fucks around – I won’t pay for your mistakes, Arzaylea!”

“But…”

She didn’t believe me. It was absolutely obvious that Hayley didn’t and wouldn’t believe a word I said. She was probably so in love with Jake that she was blinded, unable to see what had been going on behind her back and what was now escalating far too quickly.

Her boyfriend had threatened to spill the secret I had accidentally let slip – that Luke was with someone else – if she or anyone found out about the night we’d spent together.

However, I knew I couldn’t let that happen. I was the one who had screwed everything up and I’d rather die than give away the secrets Luke and Michael had confided to me. There was only one chance left and I knew taking it would mean suffering – for me, for my child.

But in the end I was the guilty one here and if somehow I could avert a catastrophe I would do it.

I took a deep breath, taking a moment to take in what I was about to lose and what was at stake, and then whispered: “I’m sorry, Hal. This is just… I fucked up. This is entirely my own fault.

“I just… I need money and I thought by pretending it’s J-Jake’s baby I’d get some. I’m so sorry. Just forget this ever happened, forget we ever had this conversation. I promise I won’t pester you and Jake again.”

“What are you…?!” Hayley started to say, her piercing voice as furious as distressingly sad, but I didn’t let her finish her sentence and just ended the call.

I didn’t need to hear her answer anyway, she would only yell at me. I had given up on holding the reins and the only thing I could do was wait and hope Hayley wouldn’t tell Jake.

Because if she did, he was going to spill the news.

But if she didn’t, maybe I still had a chance left, even though I had just officially denied that I was carrying Jake’s child.

And, damn, it hadn’t felt right to take away the baby’s father, but I knew betraying Luke would have been a thousand times worse. In the end I was sure I had made the right decision, although everything would be even harder from now on.

Nonetheless, I was very sure that one day I, we, my child and I would make it somehow, together. And just when I let the breath I’d been holding throughout the entire time I had been on the phone leave my lungs with a relieved sigh the door of my room flung open and a very messy-looking and very pale Michael stormed in, choking out the three words I should have feared the most.

“The fans know.”

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly fluff because i had to split the chapter in half

_**Luke** _

 

Michael and I were at the doctor’s office when shit started to go down. The fact that Arzaylea had an appointment the same day really was mere coincidence – actually, I didn’t know she had been due for her next ultrasound until later that evening when my Twitter-account was suddenly bombarded with questions and messages from people who felt the need to make their opinion known.

Ironically, the day started off really well, although Crystal was supposed to move in with us that day. Michael woke me with breakfast in bed, maybe because he felt bad for making me spend time with the person I probably liked the least on earth – or maybe he just wanted to be a cute boyfriend, in which he absolutely succeeded.

We ate together and I didn’t really care about the fact that it was only 8 in the morning, enjoying the – most likely – last peaceful moments Michael and I would get to spend together this break.

Crystal showed up at our door around 10:00 am with a thousand boxes full of stuff nobody really needed. However, I just let her be and played Playstation with Michael, never feeling ashamed of letting Crystal do all the moving by herself.

Arzaylea briefly told us she had to go somewhere this afternoon when we ate lunch together while Crystal was out walking her dog.

Later, I remembered sitting in our living room, bantering about Calum and Nia and feeling all happy for once, which was truly relieving, considering I had spent the past weeks worrying about the future.

However, the time in Australia had really opened my eyes and now I was finally able to see the advantages given.

Arzaylea left early, I recalled as Michael and I waited at the doctor’s office in silence. Apparently she was supposed to be somewhere around 3:00 pm – once she had exited the apartment and closed the door behind her Michael and I unexpectedly got another moment of privacy.

‘Didn’t Dr Simons tell you we were gonna find out the baby’s gender today?’ Michael immediately started talking about the baby after pressing a chaste yet sweet kiss to my temple. ‘I’m positive he did.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I confirmed with a frown, trying to estimate if what he’d just said was good or bad – it was still hard for me to accept that, after all, our child was something positive and Michael still loved me.

After I’d spent so many hours being afraid of losing him to Modest or to someone else, I had a hard time believing he was okay with me being pregnant. However, the look that appeared on his face at my words quickly extinguished all doubts left on my mind.

‘Well, that’s great, isn’t it?’ he beamed and leaned forward to pull me close. ‘I can’t wait to find out – I really think we should start planning. What do you want, a boy or a girl?’

‘I don’t really care…’ I timidly said, ‘I mean, a boy would be awesome because we could teach him how to play guitar, right? But a girl – we could play dress-up all the time. Just imagine the cute little dresses in pink!”

I didn’t even realise that I’d started to ramble until Michael gently placed a finger on my lips to keep the flow of words from coming out of my mouth.

‘Girls can be guitarists, too,’ he then told me with a fond and slightly teasing smile. ‘You of all people should know gender roles are shit. Believe me, I’ve seen your collection of lip-products!’

‘You’re sounding just like Arz,’ I stated as I shook my head at my boyfriend. ‘Damn, I bet she’ll teach our baby how to sass people.’

‘I bet she will,’ Michael repeated and rested his head against the back of the couch, eyelids drooping lazily.

We sat in silence for a few moments and I could feel his hand draw little circles on my hipbone, which – to my great delight – had started to look a little more prominent lately.

It seemed like the _eating-a-little-less-_ diet I had been on for a few weeks had worked, and if I kept going on like this, I would easily be able to hide my bump for another month until the tour was finished – or so I thought.

‘Can I touch it?’ Michael suddenly whispered, his voice not quite steady as if he wasn’t sure about his question. ‘Like…feel it? I mean, it’s way too soon, but… Can you, like, feel it kick? Sometimes?”

Slowly I shook my head, my eyes never leaving my hands which had rested on my lap, folded.

‘No, n-not so far. But I guess I’ll feel it soon? That’s what Dr Simons said.’

‘So?’

‘What?’

‘Can I…?’

I shifted nervously at Michael’s question, not quite sure if I should let him see my stomach. Despite feeling the love for the baby growing, I still didn’t feel like I should show Michael my unfit body – he already had to deal with my height every day and, admittedly, sitting next to him just made me feel grossly large sometimes.

However, on the other hand, Michael himself had just asked to touch my bump in an act of affection and part of me knew this was all about the baby – not about the level of fitness I was at right now.

In the end, I wanted Michael to be happy and if he liked touching my bump and talking to our unborn baby, then so should it be.

‘You can,’ I decided after a while of silence that had lasted far longer than it had seemed to me.

Carefully, I lifted up my shirt just a tiny bit until he could see the soft curves that wound their way around my little baby bump.

Michael wasted no time and immediately placed a fairly cold hand on my skin, starting to rub soothing little circles on it. However, for some strange reason his touch didn’t make me feel exposed or vulnerable like I had anticipated.

Instead, I could feel a sense of warmth and security build up in my chest as a wide, happy beam curved my lips upwards.

The breaths that were drawn by us in the living room were shallow, shaky even, and for a little moment I could imagine us being in a child’s nursery, hovering in front of a crib, trying not to wake our little baby while staring at them fondly.

It didn’t feel right to call the baby ‘it’ anymore – finally, my mind had realised that I was carrying a perfect little creature, a mixture of Michael and I’s best treats, someone who deserved to be treated the same way as a person.

‘It’s beautiful,’ Michael whispered to me and the little tremble in his voice made me jump a little as my eyes darted upwards to scan his face.

He was crying. There weren’t many tears, yet a few had still managed to escape his eyes and make their way down his cheeks, leaving wet trails on his face. Normally I would have been upset to see Michael cry. However, this time I knew his tears just expressed happiness.

He was overwhelmed – we both were, but at least he was happy.

And this newly achieved knowledge made it all better for me.

 

************************

 

“Mr. Hemmings, Mr. Clifford?”

I was harshly pulled out of my reverie by the sound of a female voice calling my name. A little dazed from fully slipping into the memory, I looked up to see a nurse stand in front of our seats, her hands clutching a clipboard.

“Dr Simons is awaiting you in Room 5,” she told us and I got up from my chair.

“C’mon,” I muttered as I already started walking towards the door which was adorned by a sign that read “Room 5”. “You wouldn’t wanna let him wait, would you?”

“I’m coming, ba- buddy,” Michael answered sheepishly and followed me into the room. As soon as the door had shut behind us, he grabbed my hand and intertwined my fingers with his – we wouldn’t dare display any affection outside these four walls, but since Dr Simons already knew about our relationship, we felt safe in here.

We sat down on the chairs which had been set up in front of the doctor’s desk, patiently waiting for the man to join us. However, five minutes had certainly passed when the door finally opened and Dr Simons entered the room.

“I’m so sorry you had to wait,” he declared as he tried to catch his breath. “There was an emergency and I had to help my colleague out.”

“It’s fine, never mind,” Michael quickly assured. “What are our plans for today?”

“Hmh, let me see…” Dr London, who had taken a seat behind the desk by now, opened a file that had been lying on the table until now and seemed to read what he’d written down before. “So, today seems to be a big one, huh? You’re gonna find out your baby’s gender – but only if you want to of course.”

Michael nodded with a beam as he squeezed my hand tightly, answering: “Actually, we would like to.”

“Yeah, we would,” I added with a nod.

“Alright, the ultrasound room should be ready in a few. How about you tell me how you’ve been doing those past weeks, Mr. Hemmings?”

So I told him – of course not everything that had happened, but a lot. I explained how I felt like I’d finally found a real connection to the child and that I was a little more excited about the pregnancy.

Dr Simons luckily didn’t seem to judge me for worrying about everything. He had actually been the one who had suggested getting me a therapist because of my ‘distressed state of mind’ and even though I had refused, it had made me feel like he did understand me a little at least.

“That’s great!” he encouraged me when after I’d explained the way the conversation with my mum had made me feel. “It sounds like everything’s going to be okay, doesn’t it?”

I nodded slightly, a small smile never leaving my face.

“It does.”

“Dr Simons, the ultrasound room’s ready.”

The voice of a nurse disrupted our conversation when I was about to start talking about Michael’s parents.

Dr Simons immediately got up from his chair, enthusiastically clapping his hands. “Well, that’s great! May I take you to the ultrasound room?”

Michael and I followed the doctor who was leading us across the office and past the reception into another room which was equipped with the familiar dangerous-looking ultrasound gadget.

“Please take your shirt off and lie down on your back,” Dr Simons ordered before starting to fiddle with the device, leaving me to obey and place myself on the table.

“You ready to find out?” Michael whispered to me and when I looked up at him it felt like the giant beam on his face lit up the entire room at once.

“I am,” I murmured in return. “Never been readier.”

“Then let’s go for it!” the doctor suddenly stepped in and before I knew it he had placed the little scanner on my exposed stomach, moving it around.

“Your bump is pretty heavy, considering you’re only at around 4 months,” Dr Simons stated as he went on with process of sonography.

I visibly tensed at his words, nervously glancing at my slightly round stomach – no matter if I had anticipated the ultrasound, having my body exposed like this still made me feel self-conscious.

A frown formed on my face when I realised how pudgy I looked while lying on the cool surface of the table. I had originally believed that I had lost a little weight over the last weeks, but now, the look of my stomach made me feel even fatter than before.

I had to force myself to look away in order not to get caught up in these negative thoughts, looking at Michael instead, whose eyes were fully fixated on the screen. He looked stunning in his favourite “Green Day”-shirt and the usual waist-hugging black skinny jeans, which were accompanied by one of his denim jackets.

Even if the shirt was supposed to be pretty tight, it looked baggy on him and made him seem skinny – just as slim as he was and as slender as I wasn’t. I gulped as I felt little beads of cold sweat start to gather on my forehead – why couldn’t these thoughts just stop?!

_You’re fine,_ I mentally tried to calm myself, _Michael loves you although you’re not tiny and skinny anymore. He won’t mind the few extra pounds._

However, I soon realised it didn’t work for two reasons – firstly, I wasn’t so sure if Michael really didn’t mind the – in my opinion – gross fat clinging to my ribs. I loved to be held, I was supposed to be small and light.

And secondly – and more importantly – I myself did mind indeed. No matter if Michael loved me or not, I wasn’t fine with looking pudgy. I had to do something about it, not only for my own sake but also for the baby’s.

I couldn’t let the fans notice yet.

Completely lost in thought, I didn’t notice Dr Simons had started talking again until he cleared his throat loudly, announcing: “You’re gonna be the parents of a healthy little boy, Mr. Hemmings and Mr. Clifford.”

I didn’t really know how to react to the news – part of me wanted to throw myself at Michael and kiss him until we were both gasping for air, yet the other half of me was still busy battling the negative thoughts that had approached again.

“A boy,” Michael mumbled, “it’s a boy, a boy.”

At first it sounded like a mantra he had made up, but I soon realised repeating the words over and over again was his way of processing what he had just been told.

His hands shot up to his mouth and covered it, but he kept mumbling and suddenly his lips curved upwards into a huge smile that peeked through the gaps between his fingers.

“It’s a boy,” I finally repeated, my voice slightly shaking for some reason as I carefully moved to sit up. “Wh-what are we gonna call him?”

“I don’t know, but he’ll get the most beautiful name in the world!” Before I knew it Michael had engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug and I gladly accepted the warmth his body was offering me, holding on to him tightly.

“I love you so much, Lukey,” I could hear him whisper against my neck, “it’s gonna be so perfect. Our little boy…”

That’s when a laugh finally escaped my lips and I was able to let go of all the negativity and replace it with the feeling of being loved and a warm fondness, which I only experienced when being with my boyfriend.

“I love you, too,” I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and listening to the rapid pounding of my heart. “I hope it’ll be fine.”

 

***********************

 

We left the office about 20 minutes later after we had discussed a few things with Dr Simons and he had finished the ultrasound. The whole ride back to our apartment Michael kept giggling and mumbling to himself, which was incredibly cute in my opinion.

“I can’t believe this,” he would fondly mutter. “I’m gonna have a son, a real son. And the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, who happens to be my boyfriend, is carrying my child. Damn, I’m one lucky guy.”

“Shut up,” I blushed and averted my gaze, not able to look Michael in the eye nor to fully believe in his words. The way he would always compliment me was very cute, yet I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself by believing in lies.

“Wasn’t that my line?” my boyfriend teased me jokingly, not noticing my slight distress. “You’re a thief now, you know? It’s called plagiarism.”

“You wish, Clifford.”

“Shut up.”

“Idiot.”

“Hopefully it’s not gonna rub off on my son.”

After Michael’s last comment we sat in silence for a few moments, both occupied with ourselves until he spoke up again in a much softer voice, “are you okay, Lukey?”

The sudden question had startled me, but I managed to mask the worry behind my forehead and under my ribcage. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, I was just wondering.” Michael checked the mirror before he set the indicator. “You have any names on your mind already?”

I shrugged at his question. “Not really. There are a lot cute ones. Will the last name be, like, Hemmings or Clifford?”

“Well, I’d love to call him Clifford-Hemmings, but I guess that’s not happening if we keep it…a secret. I don’t know. Management probably won’t let him adapt both of our names and since you’re the pregnant one… Hemmings, I guess.”

“So, how does David Hemmings sound?” I smiled a little at the sound of the name, liking the way the two words complimented each other.

“But what about Dave? He’ll be salty af.”

“And what if we choose David to be his second name, in honour of our dear Dave? Although it’d be kinda cool if I named him whatever Michael Hemmings.”

“We could call him Conchobar,” Michael suggested with a smirk and I quickly slapped his arm.

“Michael Gordon Clifford, where is this name from? Well, I don’t even know if it is a proper word. Can you name your child that?”

“I don’t know, to be honest. But, remember when Louis got that Brianna girl pregnant. The whole world speculated he’d name the baby Conchobar.”

“Whatever, I won’t call my baby Conchobar. But what about Jesse? I kinda love that name.”

“Nope, it sounds like a girl’s name.”

I rolled my eyes in fake annoyance, playfully hitting Michael yet again. “Says the guy who told me about gender roles being shit this morning.”

“I like Daniel,” my boyfriend stated out of the blue. “Daniel Michael Hemmings.”

“Aww, like your lion.”

“Like my lion. Daniel Michael Hemmings... Sounds good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does.”

“I’m so happy.”

Michael eyed me with a smile and the mere sight of his sparkling green eyes that weren’t dull with depression and internal despair anymore made my chest feel warm and light inside.

He hadn’t looked at me like that in a long time, I realised and even though seeing him like this filled me with pure happiness, I couldn’t help but frown a little at my own thought. I wanted Michael to be happy – he didn’t deserve to have to battle depression.

“I’m happy, too,” I nonetheless sighed. “We’re gonna be fine.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 (the angst is back)

_**Luke** _

 

It turned out we weren’t going to be fine.

We were both pretty tired when we came home so we decided to take a nap on my bed after checking Crystal’s whereabouts. Arzaylea had apparently withdrawn herself for some reason and refused to leave her room, so we had some time to ourselves.

I fell asleep feeling pretty contentedly, with my head on Michael’s chest, his arm around my waist and a smile gracing my lips. However, the small idyll we had built up together was soon destroyed when I woke up to an empty space next to me.

Utterly confused and still dazed from waking up, I raised my head and looked around the room to find Michael sitting on the edge of the bed with his phone, staring at the tiny screen.

“Mikey?” I mumbled and slowly sat up, crawling over to him to see what was up and find out why he wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence. At the sound of my raspy voice his head snapped up and he literally spun around to face me, eyes wide.

“L-Luke,” was the only thing he managed to utter and I frowned, wondering why he sounded so shocked.

I swallowed hard as I slowly examined his facial features with my eyes before awkwardly clearing my throat. “Uhm…hi?”

“Y-You’re awake.”

Again, I couldn’t help noticing the way my boyfriend had flinched at my words and the nervous flickering of his eyes which would randomly dart around the room from time to time.

“Are you okay?” I immediately asked. _What if he was becoming paranoid again?_

The last time his depression had really hit him, Michael had constantly felt the urge to check if someone was following him or eavesdropping on us. I hadn’t been able to see no rhyme nor reason in his behaviour until he’d confessed to me that he had been paranoid and insomniac.

After that, I’d forced him to go and see his therapist, who had been able to help him get over the phase in the end, yet the days and even weeks when I’d been the one to sing Michael to sleep and watch out for him so he felt safe had been hard.

Right now, I really didn’t if we would be able to deal with a problem like this again – however, I couldn’t deny the fact that Michael’s odd behaviour matched the way he’d acted when he’d suffered from paranoia.

“I’m okay.” Michael’s still slightly wavering yet somewhat consolidated voice made me snap out of my lost-in-thought state.

“You sure?” I managed to say, trying to pretend I hadn’t thought about his last paranoid phase. “You’re acting….strange.”

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head, “I just woke up. How about some- some coffee?”

He put on an engaging smile, yet the apparent sparkle of amusement in his gaze couldn’t fool me. Something was up with Michael and he wasn’t telling me.

Throughout the afternoon, I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling that something was wrong and my boyfriend was hiding it from me.

We got settled on the couch and started to play a few rounds of Fifa, which was something we hadn’t done in a long time, yet when Michael hurriedly jumped up from the couch and scurried out of the room as soon as Crystal appeared I knew for sure he was trying to keep me from finding out about something.

And apparently he wasn’t the only one, judging from the hushed voices that came penetrating through the door of Arzaylea’s room a few seconds later.

I frowned, placing my controller aside in order to get up, yet as soon as I tensed my muscles I felt something weird in my lower torso that made me sit back down immediately. I frowned and placed a hand on my tummy, rubbing soothing circles on the little bump.

Suddenly, my forehead wrinkled even more as I completely stopped moving, even holding my breath for a second. One or two months ago, Dr Simons had told me that I’d most likely be able to feel the baby kick at around four or five months, yet most likely a little earlier since male pregnancy was different from female.

However, when I’d looked at the sonogram of my baby today I’d been able to see how small it was – was the tiny human-being I’d just looked at this morning really capable of making me feel actual kicks?

I tried to think of any other things which could have caused the weird sensation when, totally out of the blue, it happened again. This time I’d been prepared and could tell it didn’t really feel like a kick but a very soft punch, similar to a pat even.

Nonetheless, this tiny and most likely meaningless tremor made a huge smile spread on my face as I felt warmth pool up in my chest. Regardless of Crystal’s presence, I jumped up from the couch euphorically, yelling my boyfriend’s name, “Michael!”

I yelled it three times before slumping back down onto the sofa, waiting for my bandmate to come dashing down the stairs.

However, he didn’t come.

Ten seconds had passed by since I’d called his name, 20, 40, soon a full minute and yet there was no sign of him anywhere. My hand, which had been happily patting my belly, came to a standstill and I was suddenly painfully aware of Crystal’s dumbfounded gaze resting on me.

I had to look ultimately stupid, I realised as an angry blush coated my cheeks.

I waited another minute which soon turned into two, even three until I realised Michael wasn’t going to come anytime soon.

And for some reason, that thought crushed something inside me.

I’d finally been able to feel the baby kick, but my boyfriend was too busy hiding things from me with my fake girlfriend.

What if he felt like it was all becoming too much? What if he was tired of staying with me? I could vividly imagine him ranting to Arzaylea about how I needed so much protection and love, even though I was a 20-year-old adult.

He was probably thinking the way I still wanted to be held by him at night was pathetic, which wasn’t even a lie, if I was being honest with myself. However, despite knowing just how pitifully, annoyingly vulnerable I was being, the thought of Michael hating all these things about me didn’t fail to pain me.

I sniffled, trying to blink back the tears that had welled up in my eyes. What was I even doing here? Shouldn’t I be going, for Michael’s sake?

If he was tired of my, I didn’t want to be the one holding him back. He deserved better than me – he deserved someone who was more outgoing, more confident, funnier and small enough to be held tight from behind at night.

My gaze wandered as my head turned towards Crystal in slow motion, facing the woman who was still staring at me like we’d never met before. Suddenly I couldn’t help but notice how perfect she looked despite wearing sweatpants and a baggy shirt, her hair messily tied in a ponytail.

Her little dog was accompanying her, as always, and its legs were just as delicate and slender as its owner’s.

And while I was still looking at Crystal’s perfectly shaped figure I felt hot jealousy bubble up in my stomach. Why did Crystal, the girl who was constantly trying to hit on my boyfriend, have to be so perfect?

Why did she have all the confidence and sassiness I lacked? Why was she able to wrap people around her finger when all I ever got were comments on how much of an asshole I was being?

Suddenly I wanted to scream at her, I wanted to kick her out for having a crush of some sort on Michael, but instead I just snapped at her, “what do you want?!”

“Uhm, excuse me?” Her eyebrows twitched cockily while a little smirk was playing about her soft, plump lips. “I live here now.”

“You still don’t need to stare, got it?” I snarled and got up from the couch angrily, walking away without another word. As soon as I’d reached my room and closed my door I collapsed on my bed, hands on my tummy.

I could easily feel the little pudge that had developed and the baby still kicking underneath. I wished Michael was there so I could tell him about it, but he probably didn’t want to hear it anyway.

His absence had made a hollow feeling start to grow on my chest, much like a vacuum, and the longer I lay on my bed, panting heavily, the stronger the pain that accompanied it became.

I should have known I wouldn’t make it without starting to cry from the moment I felt my chest close up, a herald of the tears that were still longing to fall, yet I tried to do better, tried to for once be strong until the tenseness of my chest was suddenly loosened by a sob which managed to escape my throat.

That was when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The crystalline tears I’d tried to fight so long spilled over the edge of my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and leaving wet, salty traces behind.

Now, I wasn’t one to stay quiet when crying – it wasn’t anything I could control, yet if I’d been able to I would have stopped the loud sobs that slipped out of my mouth every time I tried to breathe through my tears.

I wondered if anyone could hear me weeping from outside, but nobody came in until I had finally managed to calm myself a little and wipe off the disgusting snot that had stained my face.

Another thing I hated about crying was the fact that my face would always grow red sooner or later. I didn’t want anyone to see me with a glowing nose and bloodshot eyes – it’d only remind them of how imperfect I happened to be.

I sniffled slightly as I watched the ceiling, too tired and emotionally drained from crying to feel any motivation to do something. It had to be about dinner time, yet I didn’t feel like joining the others and seeing Michael’s worried face, seeing Arzaylea’s sympathetic expression, seeing Crystal’s cool perfectness.

Just when my eyes started to close due to how tired I was the door swung open, the handle hitting the wall next to it with a loud noise that almost startled me to death.

“Huh?” I sat up immediately, my gaze flickering from side to side as my dazed mind tried to grasp what was going on.

“Luke? Baby? We need to t- Did you cry?”

Michael’s voice rang out to me from the door and finally I spotted him, standing in the hallway in front of my room as if he didn’t dare come in.

My heart clenched at the nicknames he had used and the fact that my hand had immediately moved to protect the baby made new tears well up in my eyes. What could Michael possible want to talk about?

Well, I knew it, but I didn’t want to, _couldn’t_ believe he really was tired of me yet. I needed him! Why would he go now?

_Because it’s the best for him_ , the snarky little voice in the back of my head reminded me. _You wouldn’t want to be the one holding him back, would you?_

“Lukey-“ Michael repeated and drew closer, yet before his hand could reach out to cup my sticky cheek a loud ringing noise disrupted the oppressive silence that had reigned after his last words.

Still barely able to function properly, I somehow managed to raise a shaky hand and signal Michael to stop for a moment as I reached for the phone. With a frown I identified the caller as Modest Management, which really confused me.

Why on earth would they call me right now? I had done everything they’d wanted me to, right?

“Hemmings?” I spoke into the phone, the statement sounding more like a question at the end.

For a moment everything stayed silent and I even began wondering if the line was dead when suddenly I received my answer – and it would be a massive understatement to say I wasn’t prepared for this kind of response.

“Mr. Hemmings, what were you and your girlfriend even thinking?!” a voice which I couldn’t assign to anyone started yelling at me at such a loud volume that I winced and almost dropped the phone.

However, the person on the other side of the line wasn’t done yet – in fact, they’d just begun.

“How could you be so reckless?! Obviously, this was going to happen after what you did, Hemmings! You know what?! We are trying to make your band work and keep your image clean and you go around and just… I don’t even know how to put it.

“You are ruining everything, do you hear me, you ruined it!”

“I- I don’t-“ I managed to stutter, completely taken aback by the outburst of the person I was talking to.

To be honest, I had no idea what they were talking about – however, it seemed like I had screwed something up, again. Nothing new, right?

“I don’t care what you’re trying to tell me, Hemmings! You and your lovely little girlfriend are going to be at the Modest office in thirty minutes for an emergency meeting! Got it?”

“I-“

“ _Got it_?”

“Yeah.”

I shook my head at the unidentifiable person, wanting to utter a goodbye, but when I pressed the phone to my ear again I found out they had already hung up.

I placed the phone back on my bed, never looking up to face Michael, who was still standing right in front of me. I had thirty minutes left until Arzaylea and I had to turn up at the Modest office – the building where it was located was around twenty minutes away, but considering how slow-moving the traffic in LA could be, we would surely need around 25 minutes.

I basically jumped up from the bed as I realised I didn’t have a lot of time left, mumbling a quick sorry to Michael before dashing out of the room.

“Arzaylea!” I called as I already tried to put my shoes and jacket on at the same time. “Arzaylea, they want us to be at the Modest office in thirty minutes.”

“What- The fuck?! Anyways, I’m coming,” the girl responded from upstairs.

Three minutes later we were driving out of the underground parking lot which was a part of the building and onto the busy streets of LA. The ride to the office took us 23 minutes, meaning we had 4 minutes left until we had to be at the office.

I was sure I’d never dashed up the stairs like this before and by the time we had reached the right third storey I was panting, my head spinning like a carousel.

“I…I n-need a few m-moments,” I gasped in-between hacked breaths. “Shit, I’m dizzy.”

“Do you need to sit down?” Arz, who had made it to the floor in a surprisingly well condition, worriedly ask, but I shook my head at her question.

“I’m alright, don’t worry. We should go on.”

And that was what we did. First, we went to the reception counter where we were welcomed by a woman I’d never seen before. She told us that our management team would soon be ready and that we should wait in front of Conference Room 3.

Obeying her orders, Arzaylea and I plopped down onto the bench that had been set up in front of the door of said room, still trying to catch our breaths. After a few moments my head finally stopped spinning and I was able to think straight again, a frown forming on my face when I realised I still didn’t know what I was doing here.

“Arz?” I tentatively turned to my fake girlfriend, who had been eyeing her own nails before.

She immediately looked up from her fingers, though. “Huh?”

“Do you…like, do you know why we’re here?”

I should have been able to discern something was horribly, horribly wrong here by the expression that appeared on her face as soon as I had finished my sentence, yet my mind decided to stay oblivious when she opened her mouth to answer.

“Look, I-“

However, she didn’t get to finish her sentence, as suddenly the door flung open and a man approached us.

“Mr. Hemmings, Miss Rodriguez? Room 3, please.”

It sounded like a death sentence.

Slowly, we ventured into aforementioned room, trying to ignore the scowls and glares we were receiving from everywhere as we approached to empty seats in front of a round conference table.

I let Arzaylea sit down first, just to pretend I was well-educated, before taking a seat myself and finally lifting my gaze to find around twenty pairs of eyes resting on me like the cold eyes of vultures watching their victim draw its last shallow breath.

I shifted uncomfortably, desperately trying to interpret their gazes, to find out why I screwed up again when finally the man with the British accent, who I’d had a few encounters with before, spoke up.

“Well, Mr. Hemmings, Miss Rodriguez – how kind of you to join us.” His voice was dripping with a kind of sarcasm that made me shrink on my seat. “Do you have any idea how much trouble you caused?

“I honestly doubt it. Now, what are we going to do about this obvious problem? You two are going to go back to Sydney tomorrow. You need to show more affection for one another, got it? There’s no going back this time, and it’s entirely your own fault.”

Shakily I raised my hand, timidly looking up when I received an arrogant nod from the British guy.

“Uh – could someone please tell me what’s going on here?”

“Oh, Hemmings,” the guy evilly chuckled, shaking his head at me as if he were talking to a disobedient child. “I’m sure you already know why you’re here right now. However, since you wanted to hear it yourself, I am going to repeat it one last time.

“Your girlfriend, Miss Rodriguez, was seen leaving the office of her gynaecologist today, with the sonograms in her hand. The world knows about your child. Congratulations.”

And while the man stretched out a hand, probably in a mocking manner, hell broke loose behind my forehead.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (long asf chapter bc i've been MIA lately)

_**Arzaylea** _

 “The fans know.”

“What?!”

My question pierced through the silence that had reigned before Michael had stormed in like the shot of one of my father’s guns which I remembered he used to proudly brag about whenever he got the chance to.

My eyes widened until the rims started to burn, but I continued to stare at Michael, utterly aghast.

What on earth had he just said?

My mind didn’t seem to be able to process what was going on properly and all I could think of were the three words which I’d just heard yet immediately forgotten again.

“The fans know.”

This time Michael’s voice sounded thicker, almost tearful yet less out of breath than before. With a frown digging deeply into the skin of my forehead, I noticed the beads of sweat on his forehead and his messy hair that looked like he had just woken up from a nap.

His gaze held as much despair as his voice, but my ears, or rather my mind, refused to hear, to _take in_ the news. Suddenly, I felt like my brain had been replaced with thick mush, making it impossible to form a single proper thought.

Even now, after more than an hour had passed, Hayley’s words were still resounding with the walls of my skull when I was supposed to have moved on already, to focus on this new problem I had just learned about.

“I- I’m sorry, can you…repeat what you just said?” I stammered, to confused and, _well_ , mush-brained to feel the humiliation of my own stupidity.

Michael’s shoulders slumped and he spoke up for the third time, his voice barely a whisper anymore.

“The fans know. They found out about your baby.”

That was when it all came crashing down.

Everything I had built up with such great difficulty over the past few weeks suddenly didn’t matter anymore. My application for the Make Up Art School had been sent in vain, all my attempts to become a better person had been futile.

After Michael had repeated the sentence for the third time chaos broke out.

It felt like my mind was screaming at me, yet at the same time, I couldn’t bear the crushing, insufferable silence that had settled in the room after Michael’s words. Tears sprung to my eyes as I gripped my own forearm hard, clawing at it as if my life depended on it.

_They had found out._

No other sentence could have sounded as fatal, as _deadly_ to me right now.

I didn’t even bother asking Michael how they had caught me, partly because I could imagine it and partly because it just didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t make a difference if they’d seen me coming out of the doctor’s office or if one of my ex-friends had spilled some of my secret.

Either way, the revelation of my pregnancy was the first element in a series of events that would make the framework of lies, which I had constructed with Luke and Michael, come tumbling down.

“What exactly do they know?” someone croaked hoarsely, and it took me a few seconds to realize I was the one who’d spoken.

“They- They figured out you’re pregnant,” Michael explained and the way he looked, absolutely defeated, _done_ , made my chest clench painfully.

I closed my eyes as I tried to fight the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat, only vaguely able to guess Michael had buried his face in his hands by the stifled breaths I could hear.

“I guess they saw you or something,” he whispered, his voice coming out slightly muffled. “They must have because some of them said how you couldn’t even stop dressing like a…a slut when going to the doctor’s.

“But anyway… They think it’s Luke’s – that’s good I suppose. B-but they… They’re sending you hate, they’re making it look like they despise you and I don’t fucking know how to tell _him_ , you know.”

Michael let out something that sounded like a suppressed sob which had been masked by a deep sigh, probably feeling as sick as I did right now. I shook my head, never opening my eyes to look at Michael.

“Are there… Do they think I cheated on him?”

A few seconds passed until Michael let out another deep sigh. “I don’t know, but I guess there are rumors, just as always. But why…?”  
“Oh my god, Michael, I fucked up!” I breathed out as I felt all the memories of the time I talked to Jake flood back into my mind.

It was only now that I realized I had pushed back the feeling of guilt over the past few weeks, trying to forget about the fact that I’d given away the very secret that was supposed to be kept best.

Only now, my brain seemed to comprehend what I’d actually done to Luke and Michael when I’d let the words slip in Jake’s presence.

_“No, no, no, Jake, you can’t tell anyone. Please keep quiet!”_

The sound of my begging was still so firmly embedded in my mind that one could have assumed the whole situation had happened yesterday.

Desperate voices filled my ear, voices of both Jack’s and mine, yelling, playing evilly with each other.

_“You want me to keep it to myself. Well, it’s quite easy for you. As long as Hayley and the others don’t find out you’re apparently carrying my child I won’t say anything._

_“However, as soon as they find out – whether you tell them or not – I’ll tell everyone about your lie. I figured you and that guy, Larry or something, screwed up pretty bad, didn’t you?”_

The truth was, Luke hadn’t screwed up. The only person who had constantly been making mistakes was named Arzaylea and happened to be little old me.

_“But what if the baby…looks like you? No one will believe it’s actually Luke’s!”_

As weird as it might sound, if the baby ended up looking only a bit like its father, no one would believe it was Luke’s anymore. However, Jake had been pitiless when he’d refused to take any responsibility.

He didn’t care if he ruined Luke’s life by giving away his secret – he just wanted me to keep quiet about our baby and if I ended up messing up his life, he’d just ruin mine.

_“Well, Arz. That’s none of my business. Now leave this building or your secret may accidentally slip out of my mouth.”_

Jake’s merciless, cruel voice echoed with the walls of my skull, making me shudder and squeeze my eyes shut even more. Now that I’d told Michael I’d screwed up, I would have to explain everything to him.

My heart pounded hard as I tried to come up with different ways in which he could possibly react to my story. Part of me knew Michael would be furious – he cared so much for his boyfriend and was so scared himself.

If my mistake ended up destroying everything he’d built up, he’d never let me forget.

However, another part of me hoped he would take it well. I had been so scared when I had visited Jack and hadn’t meant to tell him anything.

The secret had just accidentally slipped out of my mouth and I hadn’t had a chance to rectify my mistake. Honestly, I didn’t even know what to think anymore.

All I was facing were problems and I couldn’t seem to find my way out of this dilemma.

“What did you do?” Michael’s tone was sharp like a razor blade and it felt like every word he’d just spoken had been carved into my skin. “Tell me now, Arz, _what did you do?!_ ”

His voice wasn’t loud anymore, if anything it was barely it was barely more than a whisper, yet suddenly it had a dangerous vibe to it that made uncomfortable shivers of coldness run down my spine.

“I-I…” I stuttered, trying to answer yet unable to form more than one word. My head was spinning, vision blurry with tears and the shaking of my hands only increased with every passing second.

“What happened?!” Michael asked for the third time and I could hear him draw closer until I was sure he was merely five inches away from my face. Hot breath hit my burning skin and my eyes snapped open, my body twitching even though I should have expected Michael’s approach.

The faux-blonde guitarist eyed me with sparkling green eyes, which may have seemed colder than ice at first, yet when I took a closer look at them I could see the sadness hidden behind wide pupils.

Witnessing Michael’s internal sorrow actually made me feel worse about myself. I should have told him and Luke what had happened right after I’d returned to them – but instead I had suppressed it, I had _forgotten_ about something so important.

Michael had to feel absolutely betrayed right now, and honestly, I didn’t even want to imagine Luke’s reaction.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered sadly, sniffling. “I should’ve told you before, but I forgot. My head was spinning and I just feel like I can’t keep up with my problems anymore.”

“Come to the point, Arz,” Michael hissed. “What did you do?”

I blushed hard at his words, feeling embarrassed and more humiliated than ever by my own actions. Why did I always have to be such a failure? It truly seemed like I couldn't get anything right.

“So, I may or may not have told Jak- the father of my baby that Luke isn’t my boyfriend… It just slipped and I…I tried to fix it, but he kinda swore he’d expose me if anyone finds out about it and I just don’t know what to do anymore, Michael.

“I never meant to give away your secret, and I really, really love Lukey and I don’t want you to be sad, but you already are and Jake’s girlfriend found out about my pregnancy and she probably told on me… This is all my fault.”

“Is she the one who leaked the information?” Michael asked.

His voice sounded dull, emotionless even and he didn’t look at me anymore, gazing at the floor instead.

I shook my head in defeat, shrugging slightly. “To be honest, I don’t know. It’s all just a big mess and I know I caused it.”

“That’s not true.”

No other statement could have surprised me more than the one Michael had just made.

I frowned, absolutely taken aback by his words. I had honestly expected him to freak out, to kick me out of this apartment – but instead he’d just told me this wasn’t my fault.

If anyone was to blame for this, it would have to be me.

I had slept with another guy, I had gotten pregnant on accident, I had accidentally given away important information, and I had felt the need to write the text message which had probably caused my pregnancy to be revealed.

So why on earth was Michael not mad at me?

“You’re probably confused,” the guitarist sighed deeply, leaving me to nod and wonder if he had read my thoughts.

“Look, I’m trying to stay positive and not blame anyone for this. Sure, we’ve got ourselves into lots of trouble, but in the end all of the factors that cause us problems are individual elements which were coincidentally combined.

“You’re pregnant – well, you could have avoided that, yet millions of teenagers make the exact same mistake every year and, for god’s sake, you’re 21. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have a future.

“Then there’s Lukey. Sure, the baby, our son…”

At this point Michael trailed off, absently smiling to himself until a light tap on his shoulder snapped him out of his reverie.

“Anyway, he means a lot of trouble, but I’d never dare call Luke’s pregnancy unfortunate. I mean, we really are lucky guys. Most gay couple can only dream of having children together who share their DNA and here we are, with tons of money, the best job in the world and the ability to create children of our own.

“Sure, I wouldn’t mind adopting someone and we’re still pretty young, but in the end, the pregnancy is something positive.”

“But… What about management? What about the fans?” I asked, knitting my brows together in confusion.

Michael thoughtfully nodded at my comment, adding: “That’s our main problem right now. I doubt Lukey wants to come out and neither do I. We’re just afraid of their reaction. Have I ever told you the story of Larry Stylinson?”

“Uhm…no, but everyone knows about it, right?”

“They don’t know about it like I do.”

Michael sighed again, caught up in memories for a moment. However, then he straightened his back, cleared his throat and began to tell the story.

“Well, we were on tour with them. It’s a pretty sweet and simple story – they fell in love at a young age and started dating pretty much a few weeks after they first met.

“It was never really a secret, Harry even mentioned it in an interview once. However, their management forced them to hide it, even though the fans didn’t make a big deal out of it. I guess it worked at first. They were living together and enjoying themselves, staying in the closet, but together.

“At one point, though, management wasn’t contended with the situation anymore and they forced them to move out, they forced them to get girlfriends and new best friends. And the harder they tried to hide it, the more attention they received.

“Fans started noticing and worshipping them, making up theories about them even though it used to be so simple. It’s safe to say they slowly fell apart, partly because of the strict orders the got and partly because of how much they were pressured by the media.

“Now, Luke and I got together 4 years ago. We had already been dating for a few months when we went on tour with 1D and we were absolutely ecstatic about everything. We never thought there’d be any complications.”

At this point Michael interrupted himself, rubbing his nose thoughtfully before continuing, “Well, that was until one day, just when we were about to tell management, Harry caught us making out backstage before the show.

“Truth be told, he didn’t seem very surprised, but when we told them we were going to publicize our relationship, he started freaking out, telling us not to. He said that Modest had already ruined his relationship and that we shouldn’t give them the opportunity to do it again, ever.

“So, we stayed hidden and kind of just watched. And, Arz, I can tell you – with every new picture and rumor of Harry and Louis being apart our fear increased. We were afraid, you know?

“I remember I used to have mild breakdowns because of it and Luke would refuse to eat properly for days.

“In short: We were terrified, and to be honest, it didn’t get better as time went by. By now, we’ve technically grown used to it, but with our baby and yours it’s just difficult to manage.

“Of course we’ll have to tell Modest someday in the future, but at the moment, we’re just trying to delay that day and live a little. Therefore, rumors and attention aren’t really convenient.”

I slowly nodded along with Michael’s words, trying to take in all the information I had just received. To be honest, it was a lot to grasp, yet I tried my best to understand all of it.

“I understand,” I answered after a while. “Of course it’s hard for you. We’re all just trying to live our lives somehow, but right now it appears it doesn’t really work.”

“You’re right. And that’s why I have how idea how to tell Luke about all of this.” Michael bitterly shook his head, staring down at his own hands while I slowly and shakily got up from the bed and walked over to the door.

“You should just try to tell him, you know? And you’d better do it right now because otherwise he’ll find out by himself.”

“Yes, I should,” Michael agreed as he followed me, apparently about to leave my room. “Actually, I’m gonna do it right now. Wish me luck.”

“I will.”

“Oh, and Arz? This is not your fault – don’t you dare blame yourself for it.”

“Thanks, I’ll try not to.”

My lips curved upwards as a tiny cracked smile appeared on my face that stayed there while Michael got ready to leave.

He sent me a half-hearted grin that indicated he was pretty nervous about telling Luke what had happened – understandably. “See you later!”

And with these three words he left me alone with my thoughts again – or so I thought.

 

________________________

 

It turned out I hadn’t been right when I’d thought I’d get some alone time after Michael had left. Merely five minutes later, just when my brain had started to actually realize this was happening, Luke frantically called my name from downstairs, demanding that I should hurriedly join him.

30 minutes later I found myself sitting on a chair in front of a conference table, facing the people which I had learned had made Michael’s and Luke’s life a living hell. I couldn’t help glowering at the man with the prominent British accent, who’d made some snarky comments about me the last time I’d participated in a meeting, as he humiliated Luke in front of all the management employees.

Poor Luke…

He seemed to be oblivious to what had happened, so I assumed Michael hadn’t gotten the chance to tell him yet. When the British guy told the blonde singer about the revelation of my pregnancy, he gazed at me with wide blue eyes as if he couldn’t believe this was happening.

I just wanted to pull him into a hug and never let go because of how helpless and vulnerable he looked, unaware of the recent events at a meeting where he was accused of causing them to happen.

However, I didn’t dare get up from my seat and comfort him, even when I noticed the tears which were covering his eyeballs like a glistening web.

Instead, I just sat still and listened to the orders of the management team. They decided we were going to fly back to Australia in three days without further ado, not caring about the fact that Luke was technically on break and able to do what he wanted.

Nonetheless, they somehow managed to intimidate both of us in such a sustained way that I didn’t dare question their decisions.

The whole meeting, which took two hours, was a torture after all. With every new insult, Luke seemed to shrink in his seat as I felt my heart ache for him, still silently worrying about Jake’s reaction.

When the Modest employees finally decided to end the meeting after 120 excruciating minutes, it felt like a huge weight had just been taken of my shoulders and I was finally able to breathe freely again.

However, the real drama was yet to come.

 

____________________________________

 

Luke was one of the first persons to leave the room and I had to scurry to keep up with him, panting and sweating by the time I finally reached him outside the building where he was about to climb into the waiting van.

Gasping with every inhale, I followed his lead and got in after him. He had chosen to sit in the back of the car, which wasn’t very convenient for me since I’d been tending to get motion sickness for a few weeks now.

I quietly cursed Luke’s decision as I buckled up, already feeling the familiar nausea well up in my stomach. However, I managed to swallow it down for now and was finally able to focus on what had just happened.

To be honest, I hadn’t been surprised at all when the Modest-guys had announced we were going to fly back to Australia. A fake lovebird-atmosphere was what they wanted to create after all, and – really – what could do a better job at indicating Luke and I were madly, hopelessly in love with each other than a trip to his family?

We would have to pretend we were happy when, actually, we were far from being fine. We would have to concoct even more lies until the web we had weaved over the last months would collapse under of its own weight.

I remembered when Luke and I had started going out in order to persuade everybody of our relationship it, it hadn’t felt wrong. I hadn’t felt like it was a mistake to pretend to be Luke’s girlfriend – if anything, I had thought I was helping him by simulating I was falling for him.

But now that everything came crumbling down, I started to realize I’d gotten myself into a lot of trouble. And it seemed like the worst was yet to come.

I sighed, trying not to think of the next few days. By now, I was tired of lying and I knew Luke and Michael were, too, but I couldn’t just let them down. They needed me. I had started this, so I would finish it as well.

Mindlessly, I let my gaze wander until it landed on Luke, who had stayed silent ever since we’d left the building. I probably should have looked at him sooner, though, because it was only then that I noticed something was wrong.

Well, of course something was wrong – yet whatever was bothering Luke turned out to be much more fatal than my little problem with pretending to be his girlfriend.

I frowned as I eyed Luke, trying to find out why he was staring at the head rest of the seat in front of him, face pale as snow, lips moving yet no words escaping his mouth. However, what freaked me out the most was the look in his eyes.

Two pools of blue wide with horror, giving away he was absolutely petrified. He honestly looked like he was about to be shot, like he was looking straight at the muzzle of a loaded gun pointing at his head.

“Luke?” I whispered cautiously, my heart pounding wildly under my ribcage at the sight of his expression. Something about his facial features scared the hell out of me and left me trembling with fear, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until Luke’s hand shot forward, clasping my arm in a vice-like grip.

Ridiculously, the whole scene could have been part of a crappy horror movie. I shrieked and lurched backwards, trying to escape his hold, but Luke held onto me so tight that it was impossible to get away from him, especially in a cramped car.

I screeched again and started hitting his arm softly in an attempt to make him let me go. However, instead of releasing me he gripped me even tighter.

“I didn’t know, Arz.”

The rasp in his voice seemed to have reached its peak, making it sound like he hadn’t spoken in days. While Luke talked he looked at me in such a horrifyingly firm way that I could feel shivers run down my spine.

“Wh-what?” I croaked out, oblivious to what he wanted. What had even happened to him? Sure, he had been just treated horribly, yet I’d never found him in a condition similar to this one after any of the previous meetings.

Luke shook his head at my answer and his lips curved upwards a little, almost making it seem like he’d burst into hysterical laughter any second. However, instead his bottom lip started trembling dangerously and suddenly a loud sob erupted in his chest and fought its way up his throat, breaking out with such brutality that Luke’s entire body lurched with it.

Moments later he was clinging to my hand, crying so violently that his whole body started shaking. The sudden outburst of the blonde singer’s left me speechless at first and for a good ten seconds I just sat there, frozen, gazing at him with wide eyes.

What was going on? What was wrong with him?

I must have said the last question out loud because Luke started talking – or rather choking out an answer, “no one e-ever told me, Arz! He must’ve known, b-but he didn’t tell me and I-I… I don’t want him to leave! I can’t handle it!”

“What are you talking about, Lukey?”

I felt as helpless as he had to have been when he’d found me crying in my hotel room after I’d received the results of my test. Tentatively, I wrapped my left arm around his shoulders while I let him hold on to the other one, afraid of his reaction.

When he immediately snuggled into my touch, I quickly pulled him closer, regardless of the belt which was holding him back.

“Shhh,” I soothed as I stroked the back of his head gently. “You’re okay, Lukey, shhh… What are you talking about? No one is gonna leave you. We’re with you, everyone is with you. It’s okay!”

“No, they’re not!” he angrily retorted, making me jump and hold him even tighter as his body was shaken by sobs. “They’re not, Arz! If they were, this meeting wouldn’t have happened!

“No one cared enough to tell me about it! I didn’t fucking know the fans found out about you until that Modest-guy told me an hour ago. Michael must’ve known and yet he didn’t tell me!”

And his words were a slap in the face. All of a sudden, my mouth went dry and I couldn’t see properly anymore, my vision hazy with tears as everything why I’d been sad and depressed in the first place came back to me.

Upon the huge fuss that my brain had made about the consequences of the meeting I had forgotten about the reason why we’d ended up here – the fact that the fans had found out about my baby.

The mere thought of the comments I would have to anticipate when I got home made my chest clench painfully, and Luke’s shaking frame in my arms didn’t make it any better.

I hadn’t cared about the hate fans of 5 Seconds of Summer had sent me because I was dating Luke, and I hadn’t cared about the people that had called me a slut when I’d hung out with their favorite singer.

However, now they’d found out about the one thing which made me vulnerable, the one thing I was willing to change my life for. It was already pretty clear they wouldn’t accept it, yet for some reason I was still so _scared_ of their reactions, of the things they were going to say about my child.

The fans had finally found my weak spot and they surely weren’t going to spare me.

Nonetheless I held Luke. I soothed him even though tears were clouding my vision. I told him we were going to be fine despite knowing we wouldn’t make it any longer.

And I prayed that he’d be alright.

 

____________________________________

 

When we reached the apartment I let Luke go immediately, locking myself in my room and refusing to come out ever again. I must have fallen asleep shortly after I’d slumped down on my bed because I awoke with a headache and an aching neck at around three o’clock, still fully dressed in my normal clothes.

Groaning, I sat up, trying to regain orientation as I reached for light switch and turned on the lamp on my nightstand. I dazedly reached for my face to brush a few loose strands of hair out of my forehead, but stopped moving when I noticed my cheeks felt sticky.

It took me a few moments to realize dried tears had left their salty tracks on my face and, even though I couldn’t remember crying, I felt even more miserable than before. A sigh escaped my lips as I let my gaze wander, spotting my phone on the bed next to me.

Wrinkles dug deeply into my forehead as I picked up the object cautiously, feeling its weigh in my hand, a cold, smooth surface touching my skin. Ironically, the device held so much more than a few cables and metal plates.

It was almost like a weird aura was radiating from it. I knew if I unlocked it, I’d see all the reactions – the good ones and the bad ones. However, as much as I dreaded the moment of finding out the truth, I kind of wanted to know what people were saying.

Luke and I had neither denied nor confirmed any rumors after all and I was curious if the fans and the media were speculating about my baby right now. Well, of course they were, but I had to find out how bad it was – and if Jake had talked to anyone, yet.

That was why I quickly unlocked the phone and opened the Twitter App to see what was going on. My heartbeat rate was increasing in my chest, making it feel like I had just ran a few miles when in reality, I was just scared of the fans’ reactions.

I sighed when I noticed my notifications were blowing up, indicating a lot of people had interacted with my account. This couldn’t be a good sign.

It turned out it wasn’t at all. From the very first comment I felt my heart start to shatter and with every new hateful line my chest contracted more and more, until I was sure the negativity was suffocating me.

Every insult which had been sent to me made the unbearable weight on my shoulders grow until I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore.

Now I finally understood that hate could hurt like a motherfucker.

To be honest, the longer I was on Twitter, reading all the mean comments people had left there, the more I started to wonder how on earth I’d been able to cope this past year. Never had I ever been aching so badly before.

I couldn’t remember crying over any of the insults I’d received in the past and certainly I hadn’t been worrying about any crazy fans. But here I was now, struggling to breathe, struggling to fight of the negativity that was crushing, drowning me.

 

Again, I fell asleep involuntarily and only woke up at 7:30 am to the sound of my phone going off. I didn’t even bother to let out a distressed groan anymore when I reached for the device, ignoring the blinking notifications of more hateful tweets.

However, I couldn’t suppress a groan of annoyance when I recognized the caller, who happened to the one and only Mrs. Rodriguez senior, also known as my mum.

For a moment, I internally debated whether or not to ignore the call, but quickly came to the conclusion that it would be better to get it over with fast. I knew I would have to speak to my mother sooner or later anyway, so why not do it now, being a depressed mess?

“Hello?” I mumbled after I’d accepted the call, proceeding to get under the covers as I waited for my mother to respond.

“Arzaylea Rodriguez!” I didn’t have to wait long before I was able to hear her (note the sarcasm) beautifully sharp voice again, telling me what to do or yelling at me for whatever reason.

“Why are people saying you are pregnant? Is it true? You are my daughter, Arzaylea, you should have told me!”

The thick Hispanic accent she’d already had when I was a child was still evident in her voice and for a second, the familiar sound of it brought tears of melancholia to my eyes.

When I was a little girl, I used to think everything would be fine when I got older. I used to imagine marrying a beautiful prince and wearing pretty dresses – but here I was, 21 years old, not capable of providing for myself, let alone a little baby.

I was broke. Broken. Done with the world. Depending on my best friend. Vulnerable. Weak. A fuck-up.

Merely a year ago, I wouldn’t have described myself by using any of these words. I used to believe I was strong, sassy and someone who could teach others a lot about confidence – that was probably one of the reasons why I had been able to offer resistance to my imperious mum and had grown up to become a strong, independent person.

But now that I was talking to her after all I’d seen and all I’d heard, I couldn’t help feeling smaller and more vulnerable than ever. And I didn’t like it at all.

My mum seemed to have taken the silence for an answer and immediately proceeded to give me a lecture on how she’d always known how much of a troublemaker I was.

“Oh Dios, it’s like I always predicted,” she said, rather addressing herself than talking to me. “Arzaylea, girl, I knew this was gonna happen. I should have been much stricter when raising you. I wish I had been able to teach you enough so you wouldn’t end up like this, but I miserably failed.”

After a while my thoughts successfully managed to drown her voice out, which might sound great at first, yet it meant I had to ponder on the recent events, which was something I tried to avoid at all costs.

However, there was no way I could stop my mind from spinning, so I stayed quiet and attempted to just let it all wash over me like a giant yet meaningless wave.

I hardly even noticed my mum had ended the call until two familiar voices rang out to me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I frowned when I heard loud yelling from downstairs and listened up, trying to make out any words.

Sadly, the people screaming at each other downstairs were Michael and Luke, and it broke my heart to hear the latter boy choke out countless sentences of accusation, his voice thick with tears.

Yesterday evening, I hadn’t bothered to make sure Luke was okay before I had stormed into my room and locked the door. He must have gone straight to bed without talking to or checking on Michael before, but now that he’d met his boyfriend downstairs he hadn’t been able to hold his bottled up emotions in anymore.

My heart ached for both of them as I listened sadly, hoping they would be fine. Luke sounded absolutely desperate, but I knew Michael wasn’t any better than him. It was pretty clear to me that if they separated now, neither of them would make it out of this hell.

Suddenly the couple’s argument and my worries were disrupted by my phone buzzing once again, making me jump a little. I picked up the device with an eye-roll, never bothering to look at the caller ID before answering the phone.

“Hello?”

“Uhm… Arz? Th-this is Corey?”

As soon as I recognized the voice on the other side of the line I sighed in relief, almost smiling at the thought of talking to someone who wasn’t going to shame me for getting pregnant.

However, then I remembered the night my friends had found out about the baby and my good mood vanished immediately. I frowned, trying to come up with any reply that wouldn’t give away my thoughts straight away.

“Uhm…hi,” I responded not quite wittily after an awkward silence of a few seconds. “How- I mean, what do you want?”

“Look, Arz, I- I kinda was on the internet today and I saw what’s been happening with you and your boyfriend… And then I asked Pat about it and she told me about that night – I can’t really remember myself, I guess I just drank too much.

“Anyway, but she told me Mia had accused you of cheating and the baby not being Luke’s… And then I kinda wondered – like, we slept together, and…”

“…now you wanna know if it’s yours.”

I almost laughed because of how ridiculous this whole situation was. Finally, someone didn’t call me because they wanted to make me feel even worse, but because they were afraid they had impregnated me.

I let out a joyless chuckle, which rather served for mocking me than for the expression of any kind of emotion. “Well, good news for you then. My pills actually worked when we had sex, so no baby for you.”  
Silence. For a moment I thought the line was dead because of how quiet it was, but after what had felt like an eternity I could finally hear Corey sigh on the other side of the line.

“I support you, ya know? I don’t remember that night, but I guess you were treated rather badly. I just want you to know that I don’t care if you’re trying to start again. Actually, I wish I was as brave.

“But I’ll just be stuck in this life of partying, getting drunk, getting high and fucking pretty girls. Anyway, I won’t slut-shame you. I won’t abandon you because you’re having a baby. I mean, if it ends up with your features, it’s pretty damn lucky.

“And even if it’s not my child, I’d like to help someday. I just wanted to tell you we’re still friends and you can come talk to me if you ever need support of any kind. I’ll be there, I promise. Well, if I’m not wasted at least.”

Corey chuckled and suddenly, despite the horrible mood I was in and despite the feelings of guilt gnawing at my heart, I felt my lips curve upwards until the tiniest smile was visible. I’d never realized how much of a good person Corey was until today, but his offer meant the world to me, especially in times like these.

“Thank you,” I told him. “Thanks a lot. I- It really means a lot to me. I guess I’ll get back to you, alright?”

“That’s absolutely fine by me!” I could practically hear my friend’s smile in his voice. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to – but I look forward to hearing from you. And by the way…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t care if it’s your boyfriend’s child or someone else’s, but if the guy who impregnated you doesn’t wanna be around you he doesn’t deserve to be your baby’s father.”

 


	27. Chapter 27

_**Luke** _

 

I blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. The man opposite me did the same. I drew a little closer, tilting my head to one side to examine the light stubble which had grown on my face overnight. The reflection guy mirrored my actions.

Slowly, I shook my head, only to wince at the stabbing pain that shot through me as I did so. I had cried a little too much last night.

Again, I looked up to be met with the sight of two tired, glazed over eyes, which were greyish-coloured, squinting at me through a sheet of glass. It was hard to believe I was looking at myself.

Originally, I had only gone to the bathroom because I needed to pee urgently. The thought of just staying under the covers and hiding from the world had been all too tempting, but my body had decided to send me to the toilet instead.

To be honest, I hadn’t expected myself to leave my room at all today. I was just too done, too busy to sulk in my own misery and get used to living alone.

I swallowed at the thought of the last word, my eyes averting to look at the sink beneath me. It was still difficult to accept everything I loved had fallen apart, even though I had tried so hard to grow used to it. I had figured it would be easier if I planned ahead immediately and tried to come to terms with everything.

Modest were basically in control of my life now – they wanted me to buy a flat in Australia and move in with Arzaylea, no matter what kind of contract they had had with Michael before.

However, they obviously weren’t the only ones who wanted me to be gone, and I was so _weak_. If they wanted me to leave, then so be it. I’d just pack my bags and go.

Despite my attempts to get used to the thought, I felt the familiar burn behind my eyes when I swiftly remembered last night’s meeting, what had happened before and what had occurred afterwards.

However, not even a single tear left my eye as I continued to stare at my reflection and tortured myself with the painful memories of yesterday. It was almost as if my body had run out of liquids, which probably wasn’t even healthy – yet, did I even deserve to be healthy?

I didn’t know anymore.

I sighed deeply and ran a hand through my slightly curly hair, cringing when the touch left a greasy layer on my skin. I should most likely take a shower, but I felt like I wasn’t motived enough to do anything today.

Honestly, I just wanted to crawl back into my bed and continue to sulk, maybe catch up on some sleep, too. However, there was a special aura radiating off the mirror that had caused me to stop in front of it and look at myself.

Of course, I was disappointed by my appearance, but I had grown so used to the feeling of never being good enough that I barely noticed anymore. Occasional pangs in my chest had given way to a constant ache of dissatisfaction which would never leave.

However, that seemed to apply to all of the things that used to bother me sometimes.

I raised an eyebrow at myself when I noticed the frown which had appeared on my face, trying to look past the gross chubbiness of my cheeks. If I kept going on like this, the fans would notice something was up and I absolutely couldn’t afford this right now.

I already had to keep up with their comments about Arzaylea and I, and at the moment everything was becoming too much. I just needed time to get over everything, although I highly doubted I would ever get over Michael.

Despite knowing I wasn’t good enough for him, I had still been utterly disappointed when finding out he hadn’t told me that the fans had found out about Arz. Actually, more than that – it had crushed me, making me feel like my legs had been broken so that I was unable to go on and do anything.

It still hurt a lot, even though I had spent last night hugging my pillow and crying myself to sleep. To me, knowing that he hadn’t talked to me was just proof that Michael was tired of being with me.

And it was pretty much my fault.

I didn’t want to come out, even after all these years, and I had been the one to suggest a fake relationship to distract Modest even longer. I had also talked to Arzaylea first and convinced her of my plan.

Now here she was, pregnant and receiving hate comments from the people who called themselves my fans. What if I hadn’t asked her to be my fake girlfriend? Wouldn’t she be better off without me?

Finally, _I_ was the pregnant one, who was responsible for our baby and everything else, too. I knew Michael had tried incredibly hard to stay strong through all of this, but it was simply impossible.

And I, being the egoistic brat I was, felt betrayed because he was about to leave me. I knew that I should try to support him, even if it caused me pain, but I couldn’t bring myself to.

I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with Michael or anyone else today. I was just too tired, too done with my life, too shattered to go on – neither my body nor my mind would be able to cope with fighting another battle.

I sighed again and straightened my back a little as my gaze wandered on, finally stopping to examine my neck. My frown deepening, I squeezed my skin, feeling the fat wobble between my fingers.

The sensation made a shiver run down my spine and I quickly let go of my skin, turning away from the mirror in shame. I didn’t even have to step on the scale to know I had gained weight yet again – the chubbiness of my cheeks and face made it obvious enough.

I just didn’t understand why, though. I hadn’t eaten dinner yesterday night and ate half of what I would need to satisfy my growling stomach. However, my hormones and metabolism both seemed to be going crazy and if I went on like this, the fans would find out sooner than I wanted them to.

Maybe I just needed to try even harder – another day.

I quickly wiped my eyes, which had grown a little wet, and shuffled towards the door, leaving the bathroom and the dreaded yet awfully enticing mirror behind. Once I was in the hallway, I sped up my steps, wanting to crawl under my covers more than ever.

However, a sudden noise made me freeze immediately. I perked up, trying to find out if I had just imagined the sound or if someone else was up as well, and jumped a little when I heard the noise again.

My heartbeat rate shot up as soon as I recognised footsteps, which unfortunately seemed to be approaching me. Frantically, I looked around as I tried to think of anything I could do right now.

The bathroom was only a few metres away, so I could run in there and lock the door until the other person decided to go away. However, considering it was only seven o’clock and Crystal’s dog still seemed to be sleeping, the approaching person most likely needed to use the toilet anyway.

Also, the steps were rather quiet and didn’t sound like Michael’s, so I figured one of the girls was up as well. Hoping it was Arzaylea, I decided to stay in the hallway and just wait for the other person to pass.

However, three seconds later I wished I hadn’t.

Since my gaze had been resting on the floor, the first thing I saw were two pale, bare feet and legs dressed in Pokémon-pyjama-bottoms which looked all too familiar. Heart racing in my chest, I slowly looked up to be met with the sight of two tired green eyes sleepily squinting at me beyond a sloppy fringe of blonde hair.

My blood ran cold immediately. This wasn’t supposed to happen – what was I even going to say? As soon as I recognised Michael, my thoughts started racing, the rush behind my forehead as well as the sight of my boyfriend making me feel faint.

“Luke?”

Michael’s voice sounded raspy and off, as if he was faking something. I felt a pang in my chest when I realised he still assumed I hadn’t noticed yet – how could he ever have fooled me?

At this moment, it seemed so obvious that it made me want to cry. All of the feelings I had been suppressing after last night came back at once, and they definitely came with a vengeance that almost made my knees buckle.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out, _baby_.”

That was when I reached my breaking point. I opened my mouth and suddenly everything I had thought about flowed out, a stream of words I was unable to break off.

“Don’t fucking call me that! You have no fucking right to, not after yesterday, Michael!”

“But-“

“Shut up! Can you imagine how humiliated I felt? How much it hurt to know you were keeping such an important piece of information from me? I was absolutely devastated, Michael.

“I mean, I should have known, but… I-I just couldn’t believe you would treat me like this. Fuck, everything may be my fault and I fucking know I’m a screw-up, but I’m still human and you don’t have the right to shove me around like this!

“You should have told me the fans know, Michael, yet you didn’t! Do you know how that made- makes me feel?”

The more words blubbered out of my mouth the harder it was to suppress the sobs, which were building up in my chest as I yelled. My eyes and cheeks were already wet, but when Michael drew closer and stretched out his arm I couldn’t hold them back anymore.

He yelped when I swatted his hand away and curled into myself, my frame shaking with sobs.

“Luke… I didn’t mean to… I know what it looks like, but I-I promise it’s not what it seems like.”

“Yes, it is, Michael, stop fucking lying to me,” I choked out through the gaps between my fingers, which were covering my face. “You already did enough of that.”

“But I’m just trying to tell you why I didn’t tell you. To be honest, I was fucking scared. I knew you’d break down and I had no idea how to tell you. I didn’t mean to-“

“No, you didn’t _mean_ to. But you still did it. And it still fucking hurt!”

“But-“

“Stop trying to find excuses, Michael!” I screamed furiously. “I know this isn’t your fault and I’m sorry for being the person I am! I’m sorry for being a failure, I’m sorry for fucking everything up! But stop lying to me and treat me with a little respect!”

Before either of us could say another word, I rushed past Michael, weakly shoving his figure out of the way before I stormed off to my room and collapsed on my bed. I didn’t even have enough power to lock the door anymore.

As soon as I’d slumped down on the bed, my chest became narrow and I started wheezing, flashes of pain jabbing through my body at every little gasp. I looked around in panic, trying to regain control or just hold on to something to make the room stop spinning.

However, I couldn’t control my limbs anymore as they flailed around wildly, hitting the wooden bedframe sometimes. My sobs became hysterical as I tried to fight against the pain in my chest, but it felt as though my body had been set on fire.

It stung and burned, bringing even more tears to my eyes as I gasped for air.

_I am suffocating!_ my mind subconsciously realised, yet I myself couldn’t seem to process what was happening when my throat closed up even more, making me gag.

A weird noise was ringing through my ears, reminding me of the whistling chugging of a locomotive, but I could never tell what was emitting the sound. To be honest, I was far too focused on the fact that I couldn’t inhale to pay attention to any kind of noise.

The corners of my eyes were slowly growing dark as I curled into myself, trying everything to lessen the flaming agony burning in my chest.

I was going to die!

I wanted to scream, but my mind wouldn’t let my mouth form the words as my vision went darker and darker until it was pitch black like the screen of my phone after I’d looked at it for hours last night.

Still, I felt like I was falling – however, the pain in my chest slowly started to ease up a little. I gasped for breath, internally cringing at the whistling sounds I made when I could finally inhale again.

Before I had assumed fresh oxygen would make me feel better, yet now that I could feel the cold stream of air flow into my lungs I was even more aware of what had just happened.

Of course things had had to escalate quickly. I had hoped for another calm day, but all I deserved was drama and more pain.

I felt like I was on my own, finally – well, Arzaylea might still be with me, but honestly, I didn’t want her. I didn’t need her. The only person I really longed for was Michael, who I’d just screamed at.

And then the tears came. The panic attack – or whatever my outburst had been – seemed to have opened the floodgates of my eyes and once I had started crying again I couldn’t stop anymore.

Never in my life had I felt more overwhelmed before – my head seemed to overflow with thoughts and yet I couldn’t think straight as I lay there in my misery, desperately trying to muffle my sobs to keep my flatmates from finding out what I was doing.

I cried for what felt like hours. The world around me receded into distance and I wasn’t quite sure if I was awake or dreaming anymore, until I heard the door open behind me.

I wanted to sit up and tell the person who had decided to invade my personal bubble of sadness to leave me alone, but my body wouldn’t let me move a single muscle. Therefore I just stayed in the bed, closing my eyes as I heard the stranger drawing closer.

“Luke?”

I didn’t even know who I had expected – Michael, Arzaylea maybe? However, I couldn’t have been more surprised when suddenly Ashton’s soft voice, thick with the familiar Aussie accent that made me feel homesick at times, filled my ears.

Involuntarily, I let out a deep sigh of relief and didn’t back away when I felt a hand run over my side. I couldn’t see my bandmate since I wasn’t facing the door, but his hands were enough to calm me down.

They made me feel a little better, even though I was still hurting.

“Can I…hug you?” Ash whispered behind me and I nodded weakly, slightly moving towards him until I felt the mattress dip down and his chest against my back.

That was when I really lost it again. The gentleness in his gestures reminded me so much of the way Michael would behave that I felt physical pain in my chest, as if someone had stabbed me right there.

I sobbed and bawled and Ashton held me through all of this, running his fingers through my hair and holding me close to his sternum. After a while, I fell asleep in his embrace, face still wet with tears, but when I woke up again about 90 minutes later I noticed someone had dried my face with a tissue.

Groaning because of my splitting headache, I turned around to see Ash sitting on the edge of the bed, quietly humming as he stared at his phone.

“You ‘wake?” he asked when noticing me staring at him. “Do you feel better?”

I nodded timidly, afraid he would try to talk to me about the incident. To be honest, I had felt weak earlier, but right now I definitely couldn’t muster up enough strength to have a conversation about Michael.

“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it,” Ash quickly reassured me, as if he had read my mind. “How about I tell you something instead?”

And that was what he did – and I needed.

 

______________________________

 

Ashton ended up staying until around 7 o’clock. I had originally wanted to send him home earlier, feeling guilty for taking up all of his time, but he insisted on staying because, apparently, we hadn’t hung out like this on a while.

Throughout the afternoon he talked a lot, but the topic he spoke about the most by far was Calum. After a while I felt like he mentioned the bassist in every second sentence, which was fairly often, considering it was _Ashton_.

The curly-haired drummer ranted to me about Calum ‘only hanging out with Nia anymore and not caring about his friends’, which I myself could neither deny nor confirm, to be honest.

“I don’t get it, you know?” he told me. “She’s not even his type. Well, she’s got short hair, but still… She doesn’t even get his humour, and she talks way too much. Well, I do that, too, but still.

“And anyway, that bracelet he bought her… I bet she only wears it because it’s a present from him – she’s not even that type of girl.

“And then Cal forces me to hang out with her. I mean, HV are pretty cool, but Nia’s constant flirting is absolutely annoying.”

Truth be told, Ashton almost sounded like a jealous girl, but I kept my mouth shut and patiently listened to the drummer’s endless rant. After a while we moved over to the lounge where we started to play video games.

I had almost forgotten what it felt like to win after living with Michael for a long time, but Ashton was so distracted that I won every single round.

“Pay attention,” I whined after I had kicked his ass for the first time, lightly hitting him with my controller. “This is boriiiiing…”

“Shut up, Hemmings, I’m trying to rant,” he responded with a shrug. “So Cal…”

Suddenly, he was interrupted by the sound of shuffling footsteps and someone hissing behind us.

I immediately spun around, facing the person who had come in and was now standing near the door with a sheepish expression, staring back at me. Of course it was Michael.

“Uhm… I’m sorry, didn’t know you were in here,” he quickly apologised. “I’ll leave.”

While he was talking the only thing I could do was gaze at him, trying to suppress the memories of what had happened, yet a part of my stupid self already wanted to jump into Michael’s arms and never let go.

Ashton might have been able to calm and distract me for a while, but deep inside I knew hanging out with him hadn’t solved any of my problems – and no matter if I wanted to or not, my mind was still longing for Michael.

“Actually, stay,” Ashton suddenly said, catching me by surprise. “I was gonna go anyway – and you two gotta talk.”

“But what if-“ Michael started to protest, but Ash disrupted him by raising his hand.

“Shush, I don’t care. You are going to talk. Now.”

He stood up from the couch while I remained sitting there, absolutely frozen. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I was in control of my limbs anymore – the only thing I could think about was the question if Michael was going to stay or not.

“Thanks for…being there,” I managed to croak out when Ashton had already reached the door.

The curly-haired lad gave me an encouraging smile and thumbs-up. “I came as soon as M- I was called – couldn’t leave you hanging like that, could I?”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Lukey. Good luck.”

And with these words he exited the room, leaving me behind with Michael who seemed just as tense as I was right now.

For a sheer eternity we just stared at each other, trying to figure out what to say, how to start this. After a while he finally looked away, mumbling, “can I…sit down?”

“Sure…” The voice that came out of my mouth didn’t seem to belong to me anymore. Never had it sounded so unfamiliar, so _far gone_ before. I shook my head a little to clear my thoughts and waited for Michael to sit down, trying not to think about the scent of his cologne, which tickled my nose.

“So…” I said after another while of awkward silence, eyeing him carefully.

“So,” he replied just as cautiously. “I guess I should start off by saying sorry.”

Again I shook my head lightly, ignoring the painful clenching of my chest as I listened to his words. I surely wasn’t going to cry again because of him; I _couldn’t_ cry.

“I fucked up,” Michael went on after licking his chapped lips. “I never wanted to hurt you. Actually, I didn’t tell you because I was scared you’d…break. But that is what you did. And it’s my fault.”

“It’s okay,” I lied. “It’s fine now.”

“I didn’t want you to see the comments.” Michael sighed deeply, never looking at me once as he talked. “But I guess you did anyway, didn’t you? All these people are just fucking assholes, but I’m probably the biggest one of all time.”

I shrugged slightly at his words yet didn’t move away when he scooted closer.

“This is a fucking mess and I’m really sorry, Lukey. I just want you to be okay. I mean, I know I can’t fix this by saying sorry and it’ll take a long time till we’re anywhere close to ‘fine’ again, but I don’t want you to be alone.

“I want to be with you and I want us to hold each other through all of this shit. I need you to hold me, and I kinda hope you need me, too.”

“I guess I do need you…” I quietly confessed, not daring to look up at him. “Fuck, yes, I do. I need you so bad.”

“Then come here.” He opened his arms just wide enough so I could slip into his embrace, my head falling onto his shoulder as he held me tight, tighter than ever before. His hair tickled my nose and my heartbeat pounded against his shoulder, but we didn’t let go, just holding on to each other forever.

After all, this was all we had right now. However, after successfully making up with Michael, the only thing I could really focus on was one sentence he had said to me, which seemed more truthful than anything else.

Even now, finally reunited with each other, we still weren’t fine – and right now I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i'll be gone for two weeks so i won't be able to update)
> 
> talk to me on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_artistic_whale_/?hl=de) or on [tumblr](https://lunaloopxphanxmuke.tumblr.com/) (for occasional bts spams, some 5sos and some haikyuu)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's me, i've survived a (literal) fire and now i'm back!

_**Luke** _

 

A day after Michael and I had made up, he talked me into going grocery shopping with him. Arzaylea and I were supposed to fly back to Australia tomorrow since we had to visit my family and look for an apartment.

The mere thought of the latter made me feel sick, but during the last few hours I, truth be told, hadn’t been able to focus on the fact that Modest wanted me to move into an apartment without Michael.

Other thoughts had been haunting me instead, making it even harder to mask my feelings and pretend I was alright.

The only thing that seemed to help me was Michael, which was why I agreed to join him when he left for the grocery store. We had to take the car since we didn’t want the fans to know where we lived, which was why we always bought supplies downtown.

The traffic was pretty bad that morning and the ride took us longer than expected, hence we only reached the city centre around 01:30 pm. Michael was a little nervous because he knew I hadn’t packed my suitcase yet and I was still occupied with my own thoughts, focused on keeping up a relatively unbothered façade.

We tried to grab the things needed as quickly as we could, but ended up forgetting half of the supplies on our bucket list, having to go back to get them. Finally, after 50 minutes of confusedly looking around and bumping into other people we managed to leave the grocery store, relieved we hadn’t been recognised by anyone at least.

“You don’t need to help me, I can do it on my own,” Michael told me when I started to load the things we had bought into the car, but I refused to stop.

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “It won’t hurt me.”

“I’m sorry,” my boyfriend apologised as he heaved the last box of apples into the boot. “I’m just getting a bit anxious, you know? I mean, you’ll be five months into the pregnancy soon and I’m…I’m just scared anything will happen to our son.

“I feel like you’re both so fragile.”

“Don’t worry,” I told him, although I had to swallow hard against the lump in my throat at the thought of being at 18 weeks already. “We’ll be fine.”

“You will,” my boyfriend reassured me with a smile and opened the door of the car for me.

I got into the vehicle and sat down on the passenger seat, buckling up quickly. Meanwhile Michael had occupied the driver’s seat and started the engine as soon as he had made sure we were both safe.

“Dammit,” he cursed when he discovered the traffic had only got worse during the time we had spent inside the grocery store. “It’ll take ages to get back.”

I only nodded silently, inwardly thanking god because I’d been given the opportunity to skip lunch today. I knew Michael would have made me eat at least a little if we had returned home before 2:30, but considering it was almost quarter past two he would most likely just make himself cheese toasties and assume I would eat some as well.

However, little did I know neither of said possibilities would be happening today.

Michael quietly hummed along whatever was on the radio as he slowly drove down the street, following the queue of cars which had developed by now. In the meantime, I just sat there in silence, as always focused on my own thoughts.

I hadn’t checked Twitter since yesterday morning, but judging by the wary looks Michael always sent me whenever he thought I wasn’t paying attention I knew it had to be bad. My heart clenched at the thought that Arzaylea had to deal with this on her own right now and it was basically my fault.

By now, I really wished I had never asked her to be my fake girlfriend, even though Michael and I would be in even more trouble right now. She just didn’t deserve to be hated when all she had done was help me out.

However, Michael didn’t deserve any of this, either.

I averted my eyes from the street, letting them search for his familiar facial features. He seemed to be concentrating on driving safely, but I could still see the hints of worry written across his forehead and the sorrow laced behind his knitted eyebrows.

Huffing out a deep sigh, I turned away again. However, my eyes hadn’t even focused on anything yet when suddenly chaos broke out all around me.

Without any warning the car, which had been going very slow due to the queue of cars in front of us, jerked forward and my body flew, my head hitting a plastic object I couldn’t identify.

The jerk of the vehicle squeezed all oxygen out of my lungs and I coughed, almost gagging as I tried to inhale. Adrenaline rushed through my veins and my eyes shot open as a terrible pain flashed through my body.

I involuntarily let out a yelp when the laws of science made my body fly backwards one second later, my arm hitting the window hard on my way back into my seat.

I shrieked again, yet this time the noise was interrupted by a gag as my stomach turned upside down. Desperately I tried to bend over, swallowing hard against the bile which was rising up my throat.

The obnoxiously loud thumping of my own heart filled my ears, making them ring as little drops of sweat formed on my forehead.

Strangely, the only thing I was able to think right now was: _I can’t get sick right now. Not all over Michael’s car._

My mind hadn’t started processing what was happening yet and I felt like the world around me was moving too fast while I was stuck in slow motion. Screams and loud noises rang out to me from somewhere, but I wasn’t able to locate their source.

The hectic movements in front of my eyes made me feel dizzy and again I had to swallow with all might to hold my stomach contents down. Tears sprung to my eyes as I clenched my teeth together, absolutely overwhelmed by the situation.

Suddenly I felt my body being moved again, but this time someone seemed to be shaking me. I squeezed my eyes shut at the throbbing ache in my head, wishing they would stop touching me.

They made it even harder to hold in whatever was trying to make its way out of me and their shaking honestly worsened my splitting headache. I opened my mouth to let out a quiet whimper and flinched away when I felt hands on my jaw, tilting me head sidewards.

“Luke?! Luke, do you hear me? Oh my god, please answer me! You need to be okay, listen, I _need_ you to be okay!”

At first Michael’s voice sounded like it was far away, but with every throb of my head it grew louder until it felt like he was trying to split my skull in two with every new word.

And that was when I remembered.

I had been in a car with Michael, but then the vehicle had suddenly jerked forward, just as if we had crashed.

_We had crashed…_

I wanted to scream when the realisation hit me, but the only sound my throat managed to emit was a low groan.

“Luke? Lukey?” Michael sounded absolutely frantic, so I opened my eyes a little, wincing at the bright light.

“Fuck…” I moaned, dragging out the vowel in the middle of the word. “What’s happening…?”

“Oh shit, are you okay? Please, be okay? Does anything hurt? Fuck, there’s a large bump on your forehead – did you hit your head? Dammit, god-fucking-dammit!”

Michael seemed to be waving his hands around in front of my face, but I couldn’t tell for sure since the pain in my head made it incredibly hard to focus on anything. I shifted slightly in an attempt to assure him I was okay.

However, I discovered he had already turned around and was now yelling and swearing at someone else.

“Hey, motherfucker, what do you think you are doing? Fucking stay and call an ambulance! Stop driving, goddammit, come back! Fucking come back!”

I shook my aching head in an attempt to clear my hazy mind a little and heaved myself out of the seat, but as soon as I finally stood upright I fell back down again, my legs shaking too much to be able to support my weight.

At least my vision was finally clearing up and I could actually witness what was going on around me. Someone seemed to have rammed our car from behind, which was why I had hit my head.

However, I didn’t spot any other wrecked vehicle and judging by Michael’s yelling the other driver had committed a hit-and-run offence. A groan escaped my mouth as I shut my eyes, resting my head against the seat.

We had been in an accident.

It was the first car crash I had been involved in and, to be honest, I was grateful the situation hadn’t turned out any worse. We could have been hit when driving at normal speed, or even on a motorway, but instead the other car had rammed us when we were moving really slowly – apparently, we had been very lucky.

By now, a few other cars had stopped next to Michael’s vehicle, which I was still sat in. I watched some men talk to my boyfriend, who was still panicking, and then block the street, making sure we wouldn’t be hit by another car.

I frowned a little when I saw Michael scurry over to me, leaning over so that he could take a proper look at me. My heart broke a little when I saw tears of fright and panic brim in his eyes.

“Luke? Lukey?” he rasped, his voice hoarse from screaming. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? How’s your head? Do you feel sick or dizzy? Don’t worry, they called an ambulance.”

“Shhh, I’m alright I guess,” I shushed him. “D-don’t worry, my head’s just aching a little bit. But I don’t feel sick anymore.”

“Oh fuck, Lukey…” Michael sighed as he closed his eyes in defeat. “Someone rammed us. They didn’t stop, though. They’re gone. I want to make them pay for what they did, but they’re gone.”

He inhaled shakily and shook his head. “I’m such a fucking fail. I wanted to be safe, but then I didn’t notice the cars in front of me moving on and they…they just rammed us. And it’s basically my fault, ‘cause I didn’t drive up fast enough.”

For a moment, I thought he was going to rest his head on my shoulder, ready to embrace him  with my arms, but he just sighed again and straightened up, making me remember our situation and the fact that we couldn’t just show affection for each other, let alone _kiss_ in public.

I swallowed hard and looked up at him, trying to fight the urge to pull him into a hug and never let go again.

“Can you help me get up? Last time I tried to I got kinda dizzy.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea? I don’t want to hurt you or the,” he lowered his voice until it was barely audible, “baby. I’d never forgive myself if this…put any of you in danger.”

“As I said, I’m alright,” I quickly reassured him. “Please, I just wanna get out of this car.”

“Sure,” Michael mumbled and stretched out a hand. “Take my hand.”  
I gratefully did as told and used him as support as I carefully got out of the car, trying not to bump my head again. However, I managed to exit the car without hurting again and soon I stood upright, trying not to get dizzy again.

One of the drivers who I’d watched put up the barriers before hurried towards me, eyeing me for a few moments before he turned to Michael.

“The ambulance is on its way. And you’re the other victim, I guess?”

“Luke Hemmings,” I introduced myself, shifting uncomfortable when the man checked me out again. It felt like his gaze was piercing its way through me, and I, truth be told, didn’t like it at all.

Suddenly I felt a breeze of cold air hit my stomach and immediately tensed up, my eyes darting down to the hem of my shirt, which had ridden up while I’d got out of the car. I quickly pulled it down, gulping at the thought of my stomach being exposed to anyone.

“I’m gonna call Dr Simons now, alright?” Michael asked me. “He should…check if you’re okay.”

I nodded quietly, even though I didn’t want the doctor to tell me how much weight I had already gained. It was absolutely obvious that my little pudge didn’t only stem from my pregnancy.

And that was when I suddenly heard Michael curse beside me.

“Oh fuck. Someone called the paps.”

 

______________________________

 

The situation degenerated into complete chaos. Shortly after Michael had noticed the paparazzi, the ambulance arrived, but no matter how hard the paramedics tried to shoo them away, the photographers wouldn’t leave.

Neither Michael nor I knew how to handle the problem since the only people who ever took photos of us were fans – usually. However, the story of the accident seemed to have attracted the press, which was nothing we had to deal with every day.

In the end, we stayed inside the ambulance so the paparazzi wouldn’t get any photos of us being checked out by the first-aid attendants.

To crown it all, Dr Simons arrived a few minutes later and insisted on taking me to his office for an ultrasound. The whole situation had Michael and I sweat blood – on the one hand we couldn’t risk getting seen with Dr Simons as the press would most likely make up some crazy story or – even worse – find out about my baby.

However, on the other hand Michael begged me to go with Simons because he was so worried about the baby.

I ended up giving in again and fifteen minutes later I was ushered into the ultrasound room of Dr Simons’ office, which had become familiar to me by now. After a few minutes, however, it turned out the baby seemed to be alright.

“You are two lucky guys,” the doctor told us with a grin as he handed over the sonograms. “Your son is alive and well. Did you find a name already?”

“We were considering naming him Daniel,” Michael answered with a smile and I tried my best to put on a happy grin, masking the feeling of unease which stole up on me whenever I thought of anything related to the next months of my pregnancy.

“That’s a beautiful name. What will his last name be, though? Hemmings or Clifford?”

“Hemmings – until we get married of course,” Michael chuckled and I looked down, afraid the doctor might be able to see the fright in my eyes.

“Daniel Hemmings sounds great!” he smiled without hinting he had noticed anything about me. “Now get home and rest a bit, you two. By the way, you should really eat something, Mr. Hemmings – I could hear your stomach growl constantly.”

I awkwardly nodded, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat which had settled there at the mention of food. Maybe I could eat something when we got home – I hadn’t had breakfast this morning, so there was no risk of consuming too many calories.

I would just have to see when we returned home.

 

____________________________

 

We entered out flat at around 4:15 pm, already being expected by Arzaylea, who immediately started to pester us with questions after Michael had told her about the accident.

Luckily, I managed to sneak away into the bathroom where I took off my shirt, checking if it was safe to eat without the risk of enlarging my little baby bump too much. I sullenly stared at my reflection in the mirror, poking my stomach.

Even though my little pudge seemed to have decreased a little, I still wasn’t content with it. I needed it to go away until the end of our tour, so the fans wouldn’t notice anything.

However, I figured eating a small bowl of cereal with lots of fruit wouldn’t do any harm, so I quickly out on my shirt again and strolled into the kitchen where I started to prepare the food.

When I was done I picked up the bowl and carried it to the couch where I slumped down, beginning to eat the cereal I had made myself. Just when I was about to eat another spoonful I spotted my phone on the table in front of me and decided to pick it up.

It had been a while since I had last checked Twitter and even though I already knew what I had to expect, I wanted to stay updated on what was going on.

With a frown I opened the app and scrolled through my notifications. Most of the people were saying the same as they had yesterday morning, but suddenly something caught my eye.

It was a tweet that was including a hashtag which seemed to be about me – however, when I opened the search page my stomach turned.

The hashtag said _LukesTummy._

My breath hitched as soon as my brain had processed this new information and I could feel my hands start to grow sweaty and shaky, making it hard to hold the phone still.

What was going on? Why the hell were people talking about my stomach? Did they find out anything about my pregnancy?

I shook my head in disbelief as I scrolled down, only to face more and more tweets using the hashtag.

“Damn, this hashtag makes me laugh.”

“Wow, this is the content I live for.”

“I bet this happened because Arzaylea makes him lovesick all the time.”

“Kinda wondering if Arzaylea really is the pregnant one.”

Every comment I read made me feel sicker to my stomach and suddenly I was sure I would throw up if I ate another spoonful of cereal. I carefully set down the bowl, pushing at as far away as possible before I turned to my phone again, reading tweet after tweet.

I bit my lip when I came across a few particularly rude ones, trying not to let them get to me – however, I couldn’t deny the fact that these comments seemed to control a part of my mind.

Blinking the tears behind my eyes away, I scrolled up again and was about to close the page when I suddenly stumbled upon a few images which seemed to be trending as well. Frowning, I took a closer look at them.

It took me a mere second to recognise the place these photos had been taken – they clearly belonged to the paparazzi which had been pestering us earlier. Someone seemed to have taken a photo of my stomach and decided to publish it, which was why people were talking about it now.

I swallowed hard for the hundredth time today as I felt my stomach turn sickeningly. I shouldn’t have eaten that cereal – hell, I shouldn’t have eaten _anything_ if I wanted to hide my pregnancy, but of course I had failed again, being the fuck-up I was.

I slowly got up from the couch, caught up in a state of trance, and strolled towards the door. The cereal I had previously eaten was whirling around in my stomach, reminding me of the fact that I needed to get rid of it somehow.

I couldn’t risk having the world find out about my baby and maybe – just maybe – a part of me longed for the feeling of being beautiful for once. Either way, I needed to do something about the calories in my stomach.

I was just about to reach the bathroom when I suddenly heard something that had me freeze instantly, silently perking up. Crystal’s voice rang out to me and weirdly I could have sworn that I had just heard her say my name.

She seemed to be talking to someone in her room, which was next to the bathroom, but the longer I listened the clearer it became to me that she was recording a message for someone on her phone.

“…know what I told you a few days ago. It’s even more than that. Apparently, Arz and Luke aren’t even together, but Michael and Luke are…kind of?”

My frown deepened when I heard her talk about Michael and me – had he told her anything about us? How had she found out?

“I heard them argue yesterday morning… And oh my gosh, P, Luke was being such a drama queen. He was yelling at Michael all the time – like, he’s such a cry baby. Anyway, I think they’re dating.

“But I just don’t get it, you know? How can Michael fucking Clifford date a pathetic little shit like Luke?! He’s not even a real man. He’s just pathetic. I mean, he’s the lead of 5sos, so you’d expect him to be hot as shit.

“But he isn’t even fit – to be honest, I’d never date him, not even if he had any abs. He’s just fat. Look at me, look at my body, P – I work out every day and I’ve been told I’m irresistible more than a thousand fucking times.

“Luke isn’t really a competition, let’s be real here. I mean, I will get to fuck Michael sooner or later…”

I spun around on my heels, scurrying off into the bathroom as fast as I could and slamming the door shut behind me. I just couldn’t listen to this anymore.

Every single word of Crystal’s was a knife stabbing my torso and each comment of hers about my appearance felt like she was twisting these knifes, pushing them in even further. Broken sobs escaped my quivering lips as I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet, heaving up the cereal I had just consumed. I didn’t even have to use my fingers…

And afterwards I just sat on the floor and cried for hours, partly because I felt as pathetic as Crystal had described me, and partly because I was scared. After all she was telling the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to note that i am not trying to hate on crystal or anything. to be honest, i don't rlly care abt her in real life, and it was just kind of convenient to use her as a character in this fic. i know i kind of (unintentionally) made her the antagonist of this story, but pls keep in mind that her fictional version doesn't know any better at this point.
> 
> also, i kind of wanted to warn you all bc this fic might get pretty dark soon. don't worry, though, there will always be hope.
> 
> (why do i physically have to hold myself back from making a danganronpa reference arghhhhh).
> 
> anyway, i'll be back soon (in a week hopefully) with a new chapter. there's still quite a few to go!
> 
> ps: idk if anyone here is interested, but i am working on a bts x bungou stray dogs au fanfic right now which i will hopefully publish here someday, so look forward to that!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [why am i updating at 02:00 am]

_**Arzaylea** _

 

“Are you sure you aren’t hungry?” I asked for probably the hundredth time today, worriedly eyeing Luke, who was sitting in the plane seat next to me, wrists pressed together and lips white from biting down hard on them previously.

Again he just shook his head.

“I’m not, I promise.”

“If you say so…” I shrugged and devoted myself to the plate in front of me and thus my dinner. We had been on this plane for 13 hours now and due to the fact that we’d eaten lunch pretty early I was starving.

Luke on the other hand claimed he wasn’t hungry at all and refused to eat anything, which was a little weird, considering he had barely touched his food when we had last eaten.

I frowned, wondering if he was falling ill. Hopefully, he wasn’t since that could put both him and his baby in danger. At least we were landing soon, I thought to myself as I finished off the last bites of my delicious sandwich and cleaned my hands with a paper napkin afterwards.

After the stewardess had taken the now empty plate from me, I turned to Luke again, bored and in the mood to talk to him; however, I had to discover he had fallen asleep by now, snuggled against the back rest of his seat.

With a fond smile I smoothed his blonde hair back, but frowned when I noticed how pale and distressed he still looked, even while he was sleeping. To be honest, both his behavior and his appearance worried me greatly, but I didn’t dare speak up.

Instead I turned away from him, resting my head back and folding my hands over my stomach.

The last two hours of the flight passed by rather quickly, since I fell asleep shortly after dinner. I only woke up when the pilot made an announcement, telling us to put our seatbelts on because we would arrive in Sydney soon.

45 minutes later Luke and I called a cab after we had gotten our luggage, both of us confused and jetlagged due to the fact that it was mid-afternoon in Australia. We decided to visit Luke’s family right away, even though we were originally supposed to meet up with the realtor Modest had hired for us.

However, neither of us felt like looking at pictures of apartments we didn’t want to live in anyway, so we simply canceled on the realtor and told the driver to take us to the Hemmings’ household.

To say we were absolutely welcome would be a massive understatement.

“Luke, baby, you’re back,” Liz squealed and hugged her giant of a son as soon as she had opened the door. I watched in awe as he, despite his height, managed to hide his face in the crook of her neck and let her squeeze him, never letting go of her, either.

“You’re even taller than a few weeks ago, sweetheart,” Liz stated as she eyed her son critically. “Your legs are kind of skinny, are you eating enough? I’m sure you are. How are you? How is Mikey?”

Then she finally turned to me, acknowledging my presence for the first time.

“Arz, hun, it’s so good to see you again,” the soon-to-be grandma of Luke’s and Michael’s son told me as she pulled me into a quick yet firm hug.

“You’re looking gorgeous, as always. How is your baby? Luke told me about it when you were here last time – did you talk to the father or figure out what to do about him?”

I politely shook my head.

“I tried to talk to him, but he is pretty stubborn. Sadly, we don’t have the same opinion on this topic, but I’m sure we can work something out.”

In reality, I wasn’t nearly as optimistic when it came to Jake – if anything, I was still afraid he would leak information about my relationship with Luke – but I didn’t want to worry Liz, so I pretended I knew how to solve this problem.

“That’s good to hear,” Luke’s mother meanwhile smiled at me. “I guess I should let you two in now. Do you need help with your luggage? Jack is inside, I could call him if…”

“It’s fine, mum,” Luke interrupted her flow of words. “I’ll carry them inside.”

“But I don’t want you to lift any heavy boxes – you’ll hurt your back and your spine.”

“I’ll be fine, mum. I promise I’ll watch out.”

And with that he turned around, making his way to the waiting cab we had left our bags ad suitcases in. Liz watched her son walk away and frowned, but didn’t say anything. Instead she turned to me again with a smile, her hands gesturing for me to go inside.

“Do you want a coffee? I figured both of you could use one since you’re probably a bit jetlagged, but I kind of don’t want Luke to have one – he used to drink a lot of coffee, a little more than he should have, and I’m afraid it might hurt the baby.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, he only had a cup of decaffeinated one this morning.”

“That’s great then. Which one do you prefer?”

I thought for a moment as I let Liz guide me down the hallway and into the kitchen, finally answering. “I’ll take decaffeinated coffee, too. I don’t wanna take any risks.”

“Sure. It’ll take a few seconds, though, our coffee machine isn’t exactly the newest one.”

“No problem, I’ll wait.”

While Liz ran around, collecting a few cups and spoons, she happily babbled away as I listened, waiting for my coffee to be made.

“Do you know if Luke is alright?” Mrs. Hemmings asked. “He won’t tell me anything anymore, but he seems upset or worried about something. Did anything happen to him recently?”

“Well, he had a pretty big fight with Mike,” I remembered as I took a seat on the stool behind the kitchen counter. “He seemed really hurt afterwards, but Ashton came over and they made up rather quickly, too.”

“He told me about that day,” Liz thoughtfully said. “When he called me to let me know you two were coming back and staying here… He sounded upset, but I guess he called after making up with Michael.

“However, I think he’s quite scared. He told me Modest are giving you two a hard time and he’s afraid they’ll find out about him and Mike, with their baby coming and all…”

I nodded at her words.

“His managers aren’t exactly the nicest people and the fans aren’t too fond of him, either, after they found out about my baby. The whole situation is pretty fuck- oh, sorry, screwed up. I mean, we can’t just tell everyone we lied to the world by pretending to be in a relationship.

“It’s bad luck that he’s pregnant, too. I think he’s afraid the fans will find out and hate on him even more at some point.”

“My poor baby,” Liz sighed before handing me one of the cups she’d previously taken from one of the shelves in the kitchen. The mug was now filled with creamy brown coffee, which smelled delicious.

“Thanks.”

I took a nip of the liquid, sighing contently as I felt it warmly slide down my throat and settle in my stomach.

“You’re welcome. Anyway, it’s pretty rude of me only to ask about my son. How are you, Arz? Did you send away those applications you prepared? And how are you handling the fans’ reactions?”

I smiled a little at the fact that she was asking so many questions at once, taking another sip of my coffee before responding, “well, I send away my applications, but I haven’t received any answers yet.

I hope they’ll accept me, though, because I don’t have any idea what to do if they don’t.”

“That’s unfortunate,” Liz stated, taking a cup of coffee herself and sitting down next to me.

“Well, about the fans,” I added after a few seconds of silence. “It’s pretty…hard at times. Today’s the first ‘good’ day since it happened.

“What really bothers me is the fact that the fans found my vulnerable spot. Their comments about my personality don’t upset me – how can they be right if they don’t know me? But the way they’re talking about my child.

“I’m barely 2 months into the pregnancy and I…they shouldn’t be hated before they’re born. They didn’t do anything. It hurts me when I see the fans say shit about my baby because- Maybe I deserve the hate, but my unborn child doesn’t.”

“Of course your baby doesn’t…” Liz shook her head sadly, her eyes glazed over with worry. “The world is a cruel place nowadays. People should care about climate change and their environment dying, but instead they focus on hating each other. It’s truly discouraging.”

“It is,” I agreed. “Also… The things they said used to be false – lies made up out of jealousy. But when they call me a whore…I kinda feel like I am one.”

“Arzaylea…” Liz looked at me as if she couldn’t believe I would actually say something like this. “You are not a whore. You may have made a mistake, yet this happens to thousands of other women as well.

“I bet some of the people who are calling you…such names know exactly how you feel – they’re just being hypocritical because they don’t like the fact that you make my son happy.”

“But I don’t even…” I started, wanting to disagree with her, but Liz interrupted me before I could finish my sentence.

“Shush… Luke may not seem happy at the moment, but I promise, without you and Michael he’d be way worse off. Believe me.”

I nodded hesitantly, knowing there was no point in protesting at this point – however, at the same time I couldn’t help thinking that without me, Luke wouldn’t be in so much trouble right now.

 

_________________________________

 

Although my conversation with Liz had brought back the negative thoughts I had managed to repress until now, the day didn’t end badly for me. Jack and his girlfriend Celeste stopped by for dinner and I really enjoyed being in company of the Hemmings.

It was truly no wonder that Luke was such a kind soul – even though his mum and his brothers might be a bit more expressive and outgoing, they were all particularly nice and well-educated.

Moreover I absolutely adored Liz’ sassiness. I knew I could be quite quick-witted, yet I was nothing compared to Luke’s mum. She managed to slay her husband and a pretty cheeky Jack at least ten times during dinner, leaving me and Luke quietly chuckling into our napkins.

Speaking of Luke, it was very relieving to see how his family influenced his mood and behavior. He still seemed a little absent-minded and thoughtful at times, but at least he was able to laugh again.

Most of it was probably due to Jack, though, who was very good at cheering his little brother up while avoiding any critical topics. He was more open towards me as well by now and we actually talked a lot during dinner.

When Luke had brought me home for the first time, both he and Celeste had had a critical attitude towards me. Jack’s girlfriend had politely hidden it behind a plastered on smile, but he himself hadn’t bothered to keep his disapproval a secret.

It had actually taken me a long time to get him to talk to me, and I, truth be told, believed Liz had told him to be nice to me.

However, by now he seemed to believe I didn’t want to hurt his brother and treated me like every other person sitting around the table.

After dinner everyone went to mind their own business, but I didn’t really know what to do. I was pretty tired because I had only gotten two hours of sleep on the flight here; however, my insomnia was acting up again and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I tried to.

Therefore I just sat on the bed in the spare room, which was the one I was supposed to sleep in, scrolling through my phone. At first I simply watched videos on YouTube, but I soon got bored and went on Twitter, only to discover another hashtag filled with hatred towards me and Luke.

I decided not to look at it, but tweets about it kept popping up on the screen and at some point I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. I was so sick of people telling me I had fucked up because, goddammit, I knew I had.

I didn’t need them to tell me and yet they did, minding other people’s business rather than their own.

However, what got to me the most were the tweets about Luke. It made me feel sick to my stomach to see how people who were supposed to support him sent him paragraphs after paragraphs, all full of hatred.

It was no wonder he had built up a wall to protect himself – people were so cruel to him and additionally, he had never been as confident as I was. Thinking about how all these comments had to make him feel made my mouth go dry and my eyes burn.

All of this was my fault.

If I hadn’t been so incredibly goddamn stupid, if I hadn’t let a prick like Jake impregnate me, Luke wouldn’t be under so much pressure now. If I wasn’t pregnant, he could have told the world he was with Michael one day.

But now everyone believed he had impregnated me and he had officially told Modest about it – he couldn’t just deny everything we’d ever had, let alone tell the world he had been lying to everyone.

They would destroy him.

He should have chosen another girl to be his fake girlfriend. He should have chosen a good girl, someone likeable, but he’d made the wrong decision. And now I, the one he’d trusted with this, had screwed up everything.

It had been a long time since I’d last cried, discounting the day I had found out I was pregnant, but that night, I did cry.

I cried out of pity on myself, I cried because I knew I was guilty of so many more things than the fans assumed and I cried just for the sake of letting it all go.

I cried until I coincidentally spotted the reflection of my face, mirrored by the dark screen of my phone. I cried until looking at myself made me realize how ridiculous I was being – I was _Arzaylea_ , queen of sass and drama.

I wasn’t one to cry all night. For me, falling meant being given another opportunity to stand up and improve my methods. So I dried my tears and did two things I hoped would help to divert all the attention from Luke.

Firstly, I deleted every single comment or tweet of mine that indicated Luke and I were more than just friends. And secondly, I spoke up. I only replied to a few people, but I spoke up, telling them to leave Luke alone.

Hopefully, they’d now start to hate on me and stop caring about poor innocent Luke, who I had gotten into trouble after all.

 

___________________________________

 

It had made me feel better to do what I had done, even though I had given the fans even more reasons to hate me by speaking up. Nonetheless, I felt weirdly relieved when I was woken up by sunrise the next morning, finally able to take my time showering and getting my make-up and hair done.

The past weeks had been very hectic, considering Modest management wanted us to be available at all times and sending out all the applications and files had been a lot of work. I had called a few small restaurants in Los Angeles, inquiring if any of them needed a new waitress because I knew I would have to work during my studies.

I was very relieved when I discovered the manager of a small yet modern bar had already answered, telling me he’d love to hire me. I quickly typed a reply – if I was given the opportunity to work in LA, I wouldn’t waste it.

Another advantage of taking on the job as a waitress was the fact that Modest management couldn’t tell me to move out of Los Angeles now. They had originally wanted me and Luke to move to Australia to live near Luke’s family, but now I worked in California and they couldn’t force me to leave the town I’d been living in for so long.

However, this morning held bad news as well. When I went to reply to the bar manager I noticed that an unknown ID had contacted me by sending me a text, and judging by the harsh tone of the message and its content, it was safe to say Jake was the author of it.

_“Make sure no one finds out I am involved in this shit, and I’ll make sure your boyfriend’s little secret doesn’t slip,”_ he had written.

Thinking of him and the way I had given away one of Luke’s biggest secrets still made me feel ashamed of myself, but I told myself I was going to be alright. There was no one who would associate Jake with the recent drama – apart from Hayley maybe, but he’d make sure to keep this from her himself.

I just had to make sure I didn’t get Luke and Michael into even more trouble.

Liz called for breakfast soon after I had finished preparing myself for the day and I decided to join the Hemmings family. Maybe my choice wasn’t the most comprehensible since I, technically, could be intruding, but I didn’t feel like I wasn’t welcome at the table.

Therefore I went downstairs, greeting Liz, who was frying eggs and bacon in a pan, on my way to the table. Jack and Celeste were already there, so I figured they had stayed the night. However, neither Andy Hemmings nor Luke were anywhere to be seen.

“Where’s your younger brother?” I asked Jack as I sat down. He shrugged.

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Well, I do,” Liz called from the stove. “He was on the phone with someone – they’ve been talking for quite a while now, I’mma go check on Lukey soon.”

“Who’s he talking to?” I inquired when she had left the room, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

Again, Jack just shrugged, but this time Celeste seemed to know the answer to my question.

“Well, from what I’ve heard you’re gonna meet her very soon.”

I pouted at her words. “But who is it? What’s her name?”

“You’ll see,” Jack’s girlfriend chuckled, “you’ll see.”

 

_________________________________________

 

It turned out Celeste was right. I happened to meet the person Luke had been talking this very afternoon after he’d asked me to go downtown with him.

“I wanna introduce you to someone,” he’d told me. “We’re meeting at a café in Sydney. I bet you’ll like her a lot.”

And boy was he right.

I could only think of two or three people whom I’d found truly inspiring, and in my opinion there weren’t a lot of those persons out there in general – however, the person Luke wanted me to meet, a girl named Aleisha McDonald, was such a source of inspiration for me.

From the moment I first saw her I could tell she had this special kind of aura to her, one that made people take a closer look at her. She was a bit of a poet and a bit of a philosopher, but nevertheless a real and funny person.

I immediately understood why Luke had been in love with her and why he still liked to talk to her, even if they had split up four or five years ago. If anything, I didn’t understand why they weren’t a couple still, but then again, Luke had Michael and Michael had Luke now.

“Arz, this is Aleisha,” Luke introduced me to his ex-girlfriend after we had entered the small café and joined her at her table.

I greeted her with a smile while he went over to hug her tightly, the gesture giving away the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in a long time.

“Oh, and Aleisha, this is Arz, but I’ve already told you about her,” Luke added with a timid grin as he sat down next to me.

It was obvious to anyone that he was very happy to see Aleisha, but I couldn’t quite look past the dark circles under his eyes and the occasional nervous twitching of his hands.

“So, you’re his girlfriend,” Aleisha smiled softly and chuckled a little when I looked at her, irritated by her words. “Oh, I mean, you help him cover Muke. That’s so nice of you.”

I could feel myself blush and quickly mumbled, “it’s an honor.”

Her words made me feel a little uncomfortable due to the fact that I was perfectly aware that I was making the whole situation even worse – I shouldn’t be thanked for helping Luke out when I was screwing up things on a daily basis.

Luckily, Aleisha didn’t seem to mind my hesitant answer and happily chatted away. After half an hour I had learned that Luke’s ex-girlfriend was just as protective over him as I was, and by the way she was a great person to talk to.

Despite only having met her 30 minutes ago, I felt like I could talk to her for another 3 hours, even without Luke accompanying us.

After Aleisha had forced both of us to tell her about life on tour Luke started asking questions about her life as well.

“This ring you’re wearing,” he smiled at one point, “is that something I should know about?”

“Oh, yeah!” Aleisha beamed at the ring, her expression indicating how happy she was about it. “I got engaged. Jordan and I are getting married this summer. Look forward to an invitation.”

She winked at Luke and he blushed slightly, hiding behind the glass of water he had ordered.

“You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” Aleisha asked, which might seem disrespectful, yet for some reason I didn’t even mind. I shook my head, chuckling quietly.

“No, I don’t. I mean, I got Lukey, but Mike would be pretty mad at me if I stole him forever.”

“Yeah, he can be quite jealous at times,” Aleisha laughed. “I remember this one time when we were still together and Michael came up to me and told me he’d ‘fucking end me’ if I ended up breaking Luke’s heart. He was pretty intimidating back then, though.”

Luke’s ex continued to tell stories about Luke and Michael before they became famous and I happily listened, eager to find out more about their past lives. I had only known Luke for a year now, and though I felt like he had told me a lot about him, he didn’t talk about the past very often.

Therefore, the meeting with Aleisha was the perfect opportunity for me to get to know some cute stories about Luke which I could possibly use to blackmail him one day. Aleisha and I talked about the old days until our food arrived, which was when Luke started participating in our conversation again.

He had only ordered a small bowl of fruit salad and was consequently done eating before me and Aleisha. After a while of pointless banter he excused himself, saying he needed to go to the bathroom.

With a frown I observed him as he left for the toilets, wondering why he had seemed so nervous before. Hopefully, my responses to the fans yesterday night hadn’t made things worse for him.

However, I would have noticed – wouldn’t I?

“You’re worrying about him.” Aleisha’s blunt statement snapped me out of my thought, leaving me confused for a moment.

“Huh?”

“You’re worrying,” she repeated, a small smile playing about the corners of her mouth. “I saw your tweets from yesterday night.”

“Am I being this obvious?” I raised an eyebrow at her, yet failed to put on a fake smile. “I just wanted to speak up.”

“You did the right thing,” Aleisha told me. “But I think you should know none of this is your fault.”

“Yes it is,” I protested. “Look what people are doing to him.”

All of a sudden I could feel myself burst, simply unable to hold the words back anymore.

“They’re bringing him down to his knees – and yes, it is my fault. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, if I hadn’t slept with random guys I considered my friends, none of this would have happened.

“Modest think he got me pregnant, the world thinks he did – he can’t just go and…” I lowered my voice until it was barely audible anymore, aware of the fact that anyone around us could be eavesdropping. “…and tell the world he’s in love with his fuckin’ bandmate and he lied to all of them. Just because I had a one-night-stand and screwed up.

“He’d be better off without me. I wish we’d never met, to be honest.”

“Calm down, Arzaylea.” Aleisha’s voice was calm as ever, which irritated me to no end. Shouldn’t she be mad at me for fucking up Luke’s life like this? Shouldn’t she hate me for being the cause of all this trouble?

“This isn’t your fault,” she repeated and this time I stayed quiet, even if my heart was pounding hard in my chest and even if my brain told me she was wrong. “If you weren’t there, well, something else would’ve happened. Luke told me about their baby – his and Michael’s.

“It still would’ve happened. Modest probably would have forcefully separated them or shit – I don’t even know. But it’s a fact that they would have gotten into trouble anyway.

“Don’t wish you’d never met him, even if you feel guilty. You did the right thing when you agreed to play his girlfriend because you made him feel safe for a while. You made him feel like he was safe and if you hadn’t, he would’ve caved in much earlier.

“I can reassure you that this isn’t your fault, at least in my opinion. And you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for it.”

“But-” My mind still didn’t want to accept the fact that her arguments sounded valid, that she sounded like she was right. I’d spent so much time thinking about how I had screwed up that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t to blame for this anymore.

“No buts…” Aleisha shook her head before she caught my gaze, her eyes piercing their way into my skull as if she wanted to read my mind.

“I can tell you’re a good person by the way you care about people and by the way you act. People will always have a problem with you – with your attitude, with your aura, with your behavior – but most of them don’t know you.

“In the end the only thing that counts is what’s in your heart. And if Luke’s in your heart, you can’t be too bad.”

And these last words of hers wouldn’t leave my head until days, even weeks had gone by. I stayed silent after she had finished talking. Frankly, I just didn’t know what to say or how to respond.

Aleisha made her own words sound right and even if my brain couldn’t accept them yet, it would someday. But right now there was nothing I could say. For now I just had to believe, it seemed.

However, when Luke came back from the toilet I tested Aleisha’s words one last time. I looked at him, past the smile plastered on his lips and past the guilt in his eyes, and realized Aleisha had been right.

I cared about Luke, I cared for Luke – he was in my heart after all. And maybe that really was the only thing that counted right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [shit's about to go down in the next two chapters, just saying]


	30. Chapter 30

_**Arzaylea** _

 

Afterwards, I wondered if I should have noticed something was wrong. In my head, I went through my memories a thousand times, trying to recall every single detail and find the one moment where I should have paid more attention.

However, I always came to the conclusion that there was nothing – _nothing_ I could have done to prevent all of this.

Of course I had noticed Luke was worn out – weren’t we all? And yes, I had known he was upset about something, but I’d figured it would be better if I gave him some space.

After all I could have investigated, but there hadn’t been anything painfully obvious I had missed.

Luke’s breakdown occurred slowly, creeping up on him until it couldn’t be stopped from happening anymore. I wondered if he had seen it coming, but I knew I hadn’t, strangely… For some reason I had believed that we could go on like this.

The real misery probably started the night before we left Australia to fly back to the US, but, pondering on the topic afterwards, I figured that maybe Luke had already started crumbling back in Los Angeles.

The thing I remembered most vividly about the day before our departure was the moment Patricia Evans called me. I had just used Liz’ cappuccino machine to make myself a cup of coffee when I saw the screen of my phone light up as someone called me.

With a frown I put the steaming mug in my hands aside and grabbed the device, checking the caller ID. However, when I recognized the name of the caller, I almost toppled over, my eyes widening.

Why on earth would Pat, the member of my ex-clique I probably despised the most, call me? Wasn’t she busy fucking all the boys she could find?

Of course I didn’t answer the call. Right now I wasn’t exactly in the mood to deal with anything linked to my (past) life in Los Angeles.

Just yesterday Luke had had another meeting with our realtor, whom I’d told about my plans of staying in LA.

Of course the woman wasn’t very happy about that, but considering she made money by cooperating with us, she stayed friendly throughout the meeting and told me I should talk to Luke’s managers.

To be honest, I had been planning to phone them anyway, but after the ultimate boringness of the meeting with the realtor I just hadn’t been able to muster up enough strength to call Modest anymore.

Originally, I wanted to do it today then, but, being the lazy flop I sometimes was, I kept procrastinating what I was supposed to do.

“Anyone important?” Liz, who was sitting on the couch with the family’s dog Molly, asked me.

“No one important and no one I’d like to talk to,” I answered. “Why?”

“You were frowning,” Liz explained and turned back to the magazine she had been reading. I was just about to pick up my cup of coffee again when my actions were interrupted again, this time by Luke strolling into the room.

He looked nervous, but that was something I’d grown used to – the worry would hardly leave his eyes anymore and he was always a little shaky, avoiding physical contact with any humans that weren’t his mum.

Speaking of Liz, Luke walked over to her and plopped down on the couch beside her, resting his head on her shoulder. Without a word she put her magazine aside and pulled him close, proceeding to run her fingers through his fluffy blonde curls.

Figuring I shouldn’t disrupt the moment they were sharing, I quietly picked up the mug and exited the kitchen to go upstairs. However, just when I was about to leave the room I turned around and eyed Liz and her son one last time.

That was when part of me noticed Luke had become even paler and his entire frame seemed really fragile all of a sudden. I didn’t think anything of it, though, not even when he skipped dinner because he apparently wasn’t feeling too well.

After all that was an excuse I had had to hear a lot the past few days, but if Liz could put up with it, so could I.

I left the Hemmings’ home early the next morning. Luke and I didn’t have to be at the airport until 05:00 pm, but I wanted to visit the city with Celeste and Jack before we had to leave. Originally, Luke was supposed to join us, but for some reason he cancelled his plans and stayed with his mum instead.

Of course I let him, knowing he was going through tough times at the moment. I just hoped a few more hours with Liz could bring back the smile on his face that had been missing since we had said goodbye to Aleisha a few days ago.

Despite Luke not being with us, however, his brother, Celeste and I had a great time.

When we all arrived at the airport at around 04:30 pm Luke and both of his parents were already waiting for us. The only family member that hadn’t come was Molly, who – admittedly – would freak out being in the middle of the crowd at the airport.

Luckily, we were soon let into the security area so that no people could approach or bother us. I kind of felt like the airport workers knew about Luke and I’s situation, since they kept sending both of us sympathetic glances.

However, neither Luke nor any other family members of his seemed to mind, so I kept my mouth shut.

The moment of saying farewell came too soon. The precious little smile on Luke’s face dropped the second someone announced we had to do the security check next and something clenched inside me as I stepped towards Liz in order to hug her goodbye.

“Thanks for being so nice,” I whispered as I let her squeeze me tightly. “Honestly, I don’t even know if I deserve you being so kind to me.”

“Arzaylea, hun, c’mon.” Liz shook her head at me, a smile blooming on her face. “You’re pretty good at taking care of my son and besides, I think you need to treat people the way you wanna be treated.”

I nodded in agreement at her words as I felt a warm feeling spread in my chest – if Liz Hemmings had approved, everyone else could, too.

After saying goodbye to Luke’s father and Celeste I stepped towards Jack, who I had noticed staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I briefly hugged him, unsure if I had done something wrong.

As mentioned, Jack and I hadn’t been getting along at first and I didn’t know him very well yet, that being the reason why I was a little hesitant when it came to him. Suddenly, without any warning, Luke’s older brother pulled me closer, whispering:

“You take care of Luke, alright? Please do…”

“I will,” I quickly promised, catching his blue gaze which was similar to his brother’s. “I will do everything I can.”

Later, I asked myself a thousand times if the promise had been a lie.

I didn’t suspect anything bad when we entered the private jet Modest had organized. We were supposed to fly to Los Angeles where we could grab some of our things and then we would fly to Tulsa, where the boys’ next show took place.

Luke seemed a little shaky as he took a seat and buckled himself up, so I gently nudged his arm, inquiring:  “Are you alright?”

“Just a bit tired,” he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. “I’ve got a headache.”

“You’re pretty pale, babe,” I stated and sent him a sympathetic glance before I reached for his fingers, taking them between my hands. “You can rest your head on my shoulder and try to get some sleep, if you want.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Luke smiled gratefully and did as told, his head dropping onto my shoulder as I buckled up myself.

While he tried to doze off I started to observe my surroundings. The room we were in at the moment was pretty small, so I figured there was another one for the staff right next to ours. There also seemed to be a small bathroom, which I was thankful for, since you never knew when the pregnancy sickness would kick in next.

I eyed Luke’s resting figure again, my gaze wandering across his torso and up his neck until it was resting on his face. Even asleep, or at least relaxed, he managed to look worn out and I worriedly noticed how white and translucent his skin was.

It almost seemed like something was seriously wrong with him, but I didn’t know what. A deep sigh escaped my lips as I realized there was no point in talking to him right now – but, after all, we were stuck inside this airplane for the next few hours.

Hopefully, there would be plenty of time to talk.

The airplane took off soon, just after the three stewardesses who were accompanying us and the two pilots had introduced themselves. Luckily, I managed to keep my lunch down and distracted myself by playing mindless games on my phone.

However, my thoughts kept drifting off and after a while I put the device aside, frustrated with what I was doing. Again I looked around the plane, trying to find something remotely interesting but failing.

So I just sat there and thought about things.

Tomorrow, the second part of the North American SLFL-leg would start, and to say I was unprepared would be an understatement. I had no idea what I had to expect from the fans – to be honest, I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high.

I knew most of them despised me even more after finding out I was pregnant. They had made it pretty clear what they thought of me, but I kind of wondered what it would be like to see some of them in person.

Of course there were always nice people at concerts, who came up and talked to me. However, most of the crowd there wasn’t exactly fond of me.

I was a little anxious when it came to being in the actual arena. I didn’t have any problems with being backstage, listening to the show from there, but being a part of the crowd, I was afraid my baby was going to get hurt.

A smile curved my lips upwards as I thought about the little human inside me. No matter what people were saying about my son or my daughter, I had already grown to love it – them.

I intended to provide my baby with everything they needed and if I had to work hard for achieving it, I would. The child shouldn’t have to suffer from the fact that their dad was a massive asshole cheating on his girlfriend and I used to be an entirely and absolutely superficial partygirl.

With a smile I patted my stomach, which was being hugged tightly by the top I was wearing. I was perfectly aware of the fact that my baby bump wasn’t showing yet, but knowing my child was there after all was enough to make my fond smile grow wider.

Glancing over at a still sleeping Luke, I wondered what he felt when thinking about his baby. Of course he was very insecure about it and everything regarding the pregnancy, however, I just couldn’t imagine him feeling no love at all for his child.

After all it was his and Michael’s, the mixture of him and the man he loved, while I didn’t even have a real boyfriend, let alone the father of my baby available. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t want to change places with him for anything in the world, I realized as I looked at him.

The fact that he had a partly female reproduction system might be a blessing as well as the baby, yet he seemed to have been cursed with it.

While I waited for dinner time to approach I went through all of the things I needed to do when I got back home. Firstly, no matter if I was looking forward to it or not, I would have to talk to both of my parents.

I was aware of the fact that I didn’t have the best relationship with either of them, but they still deserved to know about my plans for the future. My siblings weren’t too fond of me, either – however, I had figured at least my sister would like to meet my baby someday.

Additionally, I would have to decide if I wanted to stay with Luke and Michael or, in case management didn’t allow me to, find a place to move in in Los Angeles.

Considering I still had absolutely no income and even being a waiter at a restaurant I wouldn’t earn a lot of money, it would probably be hard to find a suitable one. However, I knew Luke would help me if I asked him to, just as I had helped him all those months ago when I’d first become his _girlfriend_.

Last but not least, I wanted to sort things out with my old friends. I would have to talk to Mia because she knew things the world shouldn’t find out about and since Corey still seemed to like me, I would probably try to revive our friendship.

However, one person I definitely didn’t want to talk to was Pat. I still had no idea why she had called me yesterday and didn’t plan to find out the reason either.

Suddenly I was ripped out of my reverie when one of the stewardesses came in, carrying to tablets with plates and drinks on them.

“It’s dinner time,” she told me and I smiled, having her hand me the food before starting to shake Luke gently.

“Hey, bud, dinner’s ready,” I whispered when he stirred a little and mumbled something incoherent, but his sleeping figure flinched away from me, snuggling into the empty seat next to him.

“Lukey,” I tried again, this time with more persistence. “You gotta wake up or you’ll get no sleep tonight.”

When he only let out another groan I turned around to face the stewardess again, who had remained where she was, probably waiting for us to ask her for a specific drink or anything else.

“Do you need anything?” she asked when she noticed me looking at her and I politely shook my head.

“No thanks. I’ll let you know if I do need something.”

“Alright.”  
She quietly left the room while I went back to shaking Luke, whose eyelids finally began to flutter open. I smiled at the dazed look in his eyes and smoothed his hair back in a gentle manner.

“They brought us dinner.”

“’m not hungry, lemme sleep,” Luke whined and closed his eyes again, turning away from me.

With a frown I scooted closer, observing his scrunched up features.

“That’s bullshit. We’ve been on this plane for two hours.”

“So what?”

“You’ve been eating so little, Luke, you can’t tell me you aren’t hungry.”

“I’m not really feeling too well,” he tentatively told me after a few moments of dead silence. “My head hurts.”

He was quick to pull his head back when I reached forward, but I moved faster, my hand landing on his forehead within seconds. I could feel my frown deepening as I felt the heat radiate off his skin, warming up my hand.

“Uh-oh, you’re quite hot,” I stated in a quiet voice. “Is it just your head?”

Luke nodded slightly, wincing a little and then answering, “it’s been hurting since yesterday evening. I told my mum about it.”

I sent him a sympathetic smile as I took his hand and squeezed it in reassurance.

“Hope you won’t get really sick – tour’s starting tomorrow. But don’t worry, your body can surely beat that lil’ fever in no time.”

_And, boy, was I wrong._

 

________________________________________

 

Even though he claimed he wasn’t hungry, I made Luke eat half of his dinner, which he finally accepted, too tired to argue with me. I worriedly watched as he ate a few bits of potato and sauce, chewing on every bite ever so slowly.

Suddenly his complexion paled and he gulped hard, his Adam’s apple bopping along.

“Are you okay?” I asked, my voice thick with concern.

Luke just looked at me, his glazed over eyes barely able to focus on me, and shook his head a little. His expression now held a fair amount of anxiety, indicating he felt like he was either going to be sick or to faint.

“Lukey? What doesn’t feel good? Do you feel sick? Is anything else wrong? Talk to me!” My voice grew more frantic with every word I spoke, but Luke didn’t budge, too focused on what was bothering him to even acknowledge my question.

I shook my head as I felt worry bubble up in my stomach, but swallowed down the panic that overcame me at his sight. Luke definitely didn’t need me to terrorize him – judging by the look on his face something else had already done that job.

“I can’t eat,” Luke finally choked out after a few moments, falling back into his seat. ”It f-feels like my throat is closing up.”

“But you gotta eat, bud,” I told him with an apologetic smile after pulling him closer to my chest. “You wouldn’t eat properly that last flight we were on. Look at your arms – they look like sticks.  You’re really slim, Lukey.”

He stubbornly shook his head at my word, which were meant to be soothing, rasping: “’m not sl-slim.”

“Yes you are.” I shook my head at his weirdness before I remembered what mission I was on right now, immediately returning to coaxing him into eating a few more bites.

“Believe me, Lukey, you need to eat. You’ll end up getting worse if you don’t and it’ll hurt your baby…”

“Wh-what?” Luke looked at me with wide eyes, which seemed to spill over with fear. I was taken aback by how guilty and utterly sad he looked as he shivered in my embrace, shaking his head over and over. “No, no, no…”

I quickly started to run my fingers through his hair in another attempt to call him down, not understanding why my words seemed to have upset him so much, but nonetheless focusing on getting him to eat.

“I’m just saying you should eat a bit more.”

“Alright,” he huffed and went to sit up yet struggled so that I had to pull him up myself.

“Here you go,” I said as I readjusted the plate in front of him, handing him knife and fork. “Please eat something.”

Luke nodded slightly and turned to the food, visibly flinching away at its sight but picking up a little piece of potato nevertheless. I watched him eat the food until I noticed the way he would occasionally look at me, as if he wanted to check if I was observing him.

Figuring that being looked at while he was eating made him feel uncomfortable, I turned away to notice I myself hadn’t even started to eat yet. I remembered how hungry I’d been before dinner had arrived, but since I had been completely occupied with Luke, I had forgotten about it.

However, now that the plate was right in front of me I could feel the burn of hunger return to my stomach and quickly dug into the potatoes, satisfying my needs. I wasn’t the fastest when it came to eating, but when I looked up to see if Luke was done, he hadn’t even finished three fourth of his dinner.

Instead he was just staring at his plate with an unreadable expression on his pale face, throat moving as he swallowed every few seconds. With a frown I reached out to touch his cheek, feeling how hot it still was.

The moment my skin made contact with his he flinched away hard, leaving me thunderstruck as he whimpered and hid into his own seat, staying as far away from me as possible.

“Luke.”

I couldn’t believe what was happening. Why on earth did Luke act like he was afraid of me? I hadn’t done anything, hadn’t I?

“Luke,” I tried again, careful not to physically approach him approach him anymore yet unable to just let it slide. “What’s the matter?”

“No, no, no, please, no…” It took me a few seconds to realize he was talking, whimpering, words muffled by his own hands. “N-no, don’t make me. Arz- I just c-can’t, m-my throat is closing up.

“F-fuck, I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe?”

His voice grew louder and louder until he was almost screaming at me while frantically chewing on his fingernails. Only now I realized how freaked out he looked, his hair messy and spiky and eyes bloodshot.

Suddenly Luke bolted out of his seat and practically flew towards the toilet, making me jump and squeak in surprise as he rushed past me. It took me a few moments to get over the shock, which still had me shaking, but as soon as I had overcome it I made a beeline for the bathroom as well, arriving just in time to see Luke bend over the toilet.

“Oh my god,” was the only thing I could utter when he started to dry-heave, the insufferably loud sound of his retching filling my ears. I quickly placed a hand on Luke’s back and rubbed up and down as his stomach tried to bring up his dinner but failed.

For a while all Luke did was retch and whimper quietly, occasionally mumbling incoherent words. Meanwhile I tried to calm him down, which was quite a challenge, considering he was on the edge of throwing up.

“Shhh, you’re okay,” I soothed when a particularly painful retch made his entire body jolt forward. “I don’t think you’re really gonna be sick. You gotta calm down, alright?”

“N-no!” he cried miserably, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the bowl harder. “I’m gonna- I need to…”

His fingers twitched suspiciously and for a moment I thought he was going to raise his hand to his mouth, but before he could do anything he lurched forward again, finally throwing up his dinner.

I hugged him tightly from behind as I tried not to think about the mess he was creating in the toilet bowl. I might not have felt sick before, but Luke’s gagging and the smell of vomit lingering in the air made my stomach turn nauseous.

However, I managed to swallow the feeling of queasiness back down as I held Luke’s shaking frame, whispering calming words to him.

“It’s alright, buddy, you’re okay,” I soothed as I pushed his fringe out of his sweaty forehead. “Are you done?”

Luke, who had finally stopped puking, looked up at me, the miserable look in his blue eyes making my heart shatter for him. Why did he have to be the unlucky one – again?

The fact that he had fallen sick was just unfair, considering he already had to deal with a whole lot of other things.

I shook my head sympathetically at him before I assisted him with wiping his mouth with a piece of toilet paper.

“Here you go,” I whispered when he was done. “You ready to leave this stinky toilet.”

My own words made me chuckle a little, but I turned serious immediately when I realized Luke hadn’t even smiled at my joke. He had to feel absolutely miserable now, judging by the unhealthy ashen color of his face and the tears in his eyes.

Therefore I quickly helped him stand up and ushered him out of the toilet and towards the seats, where I carefully laid him down, covering his body with one of the blankets they had given us for the night.

Then I looked around in search for a bin – however, the only thing I could find were normal sickbags, which was why I knocked on the door of the staff room a few moments later.

“How can I help you?” the woman who had already brought us dinner earlier asked.

“Uhm, my f- boyfriend, Luke…” I stuttered awkwardly, not knowing how to explain the situation.

“The singer?”

“Exactly. Well, apparently he’s fallen sick and I wanted to ask if I could have a bucket or something, so that he doesn’t have to move all the time.”

“Sure,” the lady smiled. “I’ll get you one in a sec. Do you need anyone to clean the toilet or something?”

I shook my head politely, figuring I could flush the toilet myself. “No, I got that.”

“Alright then. I’ll be right back.”

Five minutes later I was sat in my original seat with Luke’s head on my lap and a bucket in front of my feet. I gently ran my fingers through my friend’s hair in an attempt to soothe him to sleep, not caring about the heat coming off his skin although it worried me a little.

“Luke?” I whispered after a while in order to test if he was still awake.

“Huh?” He fluttered his eyes open and tiredly looked up at me, shivering slightly as I felt his forehead again.

“It’s hotter than before,” I calmly told him, trying not to upset him any more, even though his temperature worried me.

It only seemed to be rising and I knew we were stuck in this airplane for another few hours – if something happened to him or the baby we were in big trouble.

However, I kept quiet about my worries and sent Luke a warm smile instead. The only thing he needed right now were a few hours of sleep – not me fussing over him.

“We’ll see how you are tomorrow morning, alright?” I softly said. “Good night, Lukey.”

Apparently, he hadn’t even heard my last sentence, since he had already fallen asleep the moment I had said ‘alright’.

With a sigh I let myself sink back into the seat and closed my eyes, not even trying to fight the tiredness that had suddenly overcome me. It might be only 8 o’clock or so, but helping Luke and taking care of him had exhausted me and I craved a few hours of sleep.

That was why I didn’t even bother to find a more comfortable position before letting all my worries go, allowing myself to be consumed by the darkness of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this chapter & the next one actually form the climax of this entire story! i hope i did a decent job so far and the angst isn't too much. (there's more to come next chapter, brace yourselves)
> 
> after the next chapter, there will be around seven or eight parts left which will mostly resolve the story and tie up any loose endings. i'm pretty proud of the last part and there will also be a new side character who's probably gonna be responsible for one or two surprises.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed!


	31. Chapter 31

**_Arzaylea_ **

 

****

My next awakening was rather a rude one. I was startled to consciousness after roughly five hours of sleep, immediately being confronted with Luke’s miserable cries. The moment I realized what was happening I shot up from my laid back position, so that I almost ended up pushing Luke off my lap.

He just whimpered when he felt me move underneath him and jolted forward the next moment, beginning to retch into the bucket.

Mind still sleep-dazed and hazy, I managed to find his back and rub it as he got sick again.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” I soothingly whispered into his ear, trying to ignore the wild pounding of my heart. “It’s okay, Lukey.”

“A-Arz…” His voice was cut off multiple times until he finally succeeded in choking out my name, gripping my hand, which had found his, and clasping it.

“It burns…” the singer moaned, squeezing his eyes shut in pain. “It feels like someone’s stabbing me! Ow, make it stop, please!”

The urgency in his pleas made shivers run down my spine and even in the dim lighting I couldn’t deny the fact that his face was pale as a ghost and glistening with sweat. A quick touch to his forehead confirmed the suspicion I had had.

“Shit,” I muttered quietly, trying not to panic at the fact that Luke’s fever seemed to be getting worse instead of better.

What was I supposed to do now? Keep him hydrated? Tell someone?

For the moment the best option seemed to be waiting for Luke to either stop heaving or actually throw up, especially as the latter happened merely a few seconds later, a shake of the airplane sending Luke over the edge.

I swallowed hard as I tried to drown out the unpleasant sound of liquid splattering into a plastic bucket – however, the fact that all I could think of was Luke’s steadily worsening condition didn’t exactly help to calm my racing heart.

Shaking my head, I held Luke’s fringe out of his face as he got sick, making sure he didn’t get his hair dirty. When he was finally done puking after an eternity of loud moans, hoarse cries and the obnoxious sound of gagging Luke’s arms gave out.

If I hadn’t been there to hold him up, he would have fallen face forward into the bucket. Luckily, I had a tight grip on his arm, which I kept as I slowly tried to ease his head back down onto my lap.

“Oww,” he quietly moaned when I placed one hand on his forehead and kept it there, hoping it would cool him down a little. While I waited for something, well, really anything to happen I realized that only minutes ago I had been half asleep.

However, seeing Luke in this state had caused my body to let all of its adrenaline go, which was now rushing through my veins, making me jumpier than ever.

“A-Arz…” Luke’s hoarse voice suddenly snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned to him with a smile gracing my lips but a frown on my forehead.

“What’s the matter?” I softly asked, trying not to disturb him too much.

I didn’t know if his headache had gotten worse since he had first told me about it, but considering his temperature was constantly rising, I figured it had.

“It…”

He was interrupted by a few violent coughs racking through his body, almost sending him over the edge again. However, instead of gagging again he just clutched his stomach tightly and curled up a little more.

“It hurts so bad.”

“I know, you’re pretty sick, buddy,” I told him.

All of a sudden his eyes, which he had previously closed, shot open and he looked at me, a glimpse of wildness in his gaze.

“You don’t understand. I’m b-being stabbed…with flaming knife. I can’t do this!”

“Yes, you can,” I quickly reassured him, even though I started to doubt my own words. “You’re alright, you’ll-“

I didn’t even get to finish the sentence before Luke lurched forward again, vomit starting to pour out of his mouth and splattering into the bucket. My breath hitched as I helped my friend move so that he was hovering directly above the container.  
Why was he still throwing up? All of the food he had consumed should have left his body by now.

“Arz-” Luke barely managed to choke out my name between violent gags and his voice had grown so quiet and raspy that his words were hardly audible.

“I’m here, babe, I’m here,” I reassured him nonetheless. “I’ll stay with you.”  
It had never been harder to keep the anxiety that was threatening to explode in my stomach under control. The only thing I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears as I held Luke tight.

I already felt the situation start to overwhelm me and send me over the edge and into a panic attack, but I clenched my teeth, biting down as hard as I could. I wasn’t going to freak out right now. I couldn’t freak out.

I needed to keep my cool for Luke’s sake; I needed to make sure my presence was soothing him instead of agitating him even more. Why was it so incredibly hard to keep calm?

The next thing I knew was that Luke’s body jolted forward yet again, sending him over the bucket for the umpteenth time within the last few hours. Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to focus on taking deep breaths.

I wasn’t going to let panic overwhelm me.

Luke had stopped crying out by now, however, not because he wasn’t feeling miserable anymore. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks, but he had fallen silent due to the hoarseness of his throat.

Every gag had to send another wave of agony sear through his body, but I had no idea what to do about it. For now the only thing I could do was wait until he stopped vomiting.

Luke heaved up three more rounds before his body finally gave him a break. When he was done he fell forward limply, the only thing holding him up being my arm, which was starting to hurt by now.

I pulled him back onto my lap where he curled into himself in an attempt to ease the pain in his abdomen which he had been complaining about. He was hardly conscious anymore, so I figured it would be the best if I soothed him to sleep.

Therefore I just sat there, his head on my lap and my fingers moving and running through his hair. Soon he was out cold, but I didn’t dare go to sleep anymore.

Instead I straightened my back so that I sat bolt upright, making sure I wasn’t going to fall asleep after a while – however, the adrenaline shooting through my veins made it impossible to even calm my breathing.

The whole situation made me feel horrible, including the fact that I didn’t even dare to get up and empty the bucket in front of my feet. However, I didn’t call for anyone either – the flight attendants were most likely asleep and I didn’t want to disturb their rest.

Being alone only made the situation worse, though.

After a while I didn’t know what time it was anymore, but it felt as though I’d sat here for ages. The fact that Luke was still getting worse didn’t really calm me either.

At first his mouth would only emit quiet sighs or occasional weak whimpers, but as time went on the shivering started. I immediately started to panic when Luke’s teeth started chattering loudly, internally debating whether I should wake him up or not.

I decided to against it – right now I didn’t feel like I could deal with more vomiting, especially as the bucket would probably overflow soon, and every time I saw Luke squirm in pain my heart broke a little more.

Therefore I just hugged him tighter in a futile attempt to stop his body from trembling. I figured he had to feel freezing cold, though his hair was slick with sweat and it was starting to soak through my jeans.

Slowly I shook my head, jumping when a hacking cough jarred Luke’s torso. For a moment I believed he was going to vomit again, but he simply rolled over and slept on, body still shuddering.

Relieved that I didn’t have to deal with puking again, I sunk back into the seat, a breath escaping my lips which I hadn’t realized I had been holding. Only now I realized that my face was glistening with sweat as well.

However, the sweating hadn’t been caused by a fever but by the worry that was still boiling in my stomach. I had a very bad feeling in my gut, yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was or its cause.

The only thing I knew was that I needed Luke to get better quickly – I didn’t know how much longer I could deal with this.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I cursed for the hundredth time within the last minutes, but I couldn’t care less about the fact that I’d practically used all of the swearwords I had ever known.

Right now all my attention was on Luke, who was spitting and choking over the bucket, completely drenched in sweat. He looked as messy as I felt right now after dealing with him for the last thirty minutes.

I remembered how everything had seemed to work out so well – Luke had been sleeping for a few hours, I had been able to relax a bit, even though I was still on alert, and there were only about 2 hours left until we were supposed to land in Los Angeles.

However, from the second Luke had opened his eyes things had been going downhill. And my biggest problem was definitely Luke’s condition right now.

He was still shivering yet sweating buckets and couldn’t seem to answer any questions of mine. His voice was practically gone from gagging and retching so much and the fact that he was slurring his words didn’t help me understand him.

In short: Luke was a complete mess and I had no idea what to do.

I watched him retch over the bucket as I held him up, supporting his whole weight since his body was absolutely drained. With a frown I stared at him, alert as ever. For some reason I felt like I was missing something, a fact in the back of my mind which I couldn’t seem to reach right now.

Somehow I knew it was very important, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I stopped trying to think about what it was, instead focusing on Luke, who was silently sobbing and looking around as if he didn’t know where he was.

I instantly placed a hand on his forehead, hissing at the heat that came off it. To be honest, I didn’t even want to imagine how high his temperature was right now – I just knew I needed to get it down.

“I’ll be right back, Lukey,” I whispered and pressed a quick kiss to his check before sprinting to the bathroom as fast as I could, wetting a piece of toilet paper and carrying it back to a very emotional and delirious Luke.

He let out a strangled cry when I pressed the paper against his face, but quickly calmed down a little when he felt the relief of the coldness on his skin.

“You’re so sick, buddy,” I quietly stated, sadly pulling him into my chest where he kept shaking and moaning incoherent things.

I slightly started to wonder if I should ask the flight attendants for help. After hours of staying awake for Luke I was pretty exhausted and maybe they had medicine to help is insanely high fever.

I was on the verge of standing up and hurrying towards the door when suddenly my brow knit. Luke couldn’t even take medication, could he?

That was when the realization hit me, making my breath hitch and my eyes widen. I had been so focused on helping Luke and keeping him from falling face forward into the bucket that I had totally forgotten about the baby inside him – and thus the fact that any minor or major infection put both of them in jeopardy.

My mind started racing as soon as my brain had processed what was going on, and I felt my hands, which had been keeping the wet toilet paper in place, start to shake.

Random words were swirling, terms my brain associated with male pregnancy. I knew there was a high risk of miscarriage and anything could have negative effects on his child’s well-being.

What if his sickness was killing it right now?

I sharply sucked in a large breath, holding it until I was sure I had my body under control – I couldn’t let Luke know about my worries. If I stressed him out even more, I could end up killing his baby myself.

The urge to frantically yell for help was overwhelming, but somehow I managed to stay calm in the storm of thoughts and fears that had escaped my head and taken over my body. What was I supposed to do?

What if the vomiting triggered contractions? Luke technically wasn’t even able to give birth, was he? What if _he_ was dying?

The mere thought made tears well up in my eyes and as if to confirm my fears Luke suddenly cried out for Michael hoarsely. I jumped at the horrendous scratchiness of his voice, squeezing him harder nonetheless.

“What’s the matter, baby?” I asked, voice shaking although I tried to keep it together. “Michael’s not here. What’s wrong?”

“I-It hurts,” Luke slurred, “s-so mu…so much.”

His words immediately put me on the alert. “What hurts, baby? Is it your stomach?”

“Hurts so much,” he only replied, but the way he clutched his lower abdomen with shaky hands couldn’t be mistaken.

What was I supposed to do now?

“Luke, you gotta let me look, okay?” I told him, hoping my words were even reaching him in his delirious state. “I gotta lift your shirt and…”

“No!” His screech almost startled me to death and I jumped back, almost making me fall off me. “No! Stop it!”

“What’s the mat-“

“No, no, no!” Luke cried. “You can’t see, they can’t notice, Arz, I can’t let them notice!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t tell anyone, please, don’t tell them how fat I am! It’s disgusting, but I’m working on it. They can’t know! Please, don’t tell anyone.”

His words made me feel sick to my stomach. It sounded like he was talking about himself, but that couldn’t be right, could it? Suddenly I remembered the way his hand had twitched when he hadn’t been able to throw up earlier and the things he would tell us whenever it came to eating.

“Luke.” I just needed to be sure. My voice was firm, resolute. I needed to know. “Are you talking about yourself?”

“They can’t know about the baby, Arz! If only I was smaller…” Luke fully curled into himself, face buried in his hands.

“Did you m-make yourself lose weight?” I added when he kept crying. “Luke, did you do anything?”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to!” Luke’s cries immediately confirmed my worst fears. “I only did it once or twice ‘cause my body…I need to…it ejected the food on its own. I’m so sorry, please, don’t leave me!”

“Shhh, I won’t leave,” I reassured him quickly, tears blurring my vision and burning in my eyes.

I didn’t understand why Luke would do something like that. Why would he try to make himself smaller? Just because he wanted to protect the baby? Had he done it because he was afraid of the fans finding out about his pregnancy?

There were too many questions and suddenly I felt dizzy, but I yelled for help nonetheless. It was clear that I couldn’t do this on myself. Luke needed help right now.

“What the fuck is going on?” The voice of the flight attendant who had come to my rescue sounded annoyed and kind of sleepy, but I couldn’t care less right now.

I wildly gesticulated towards Luke’s shaking form, too agitated to form any words at first. However, as soon as I was able to speak properly again the sentences just kept flowing out of my mouth.

“He got really sick and at first I didn’t think anything of it, but now he’s really delirious. And he gets immense pains in the region of his lower abdomen and I’m afraid they may be contractions because he’s pregnant, and therefore he can’t give birth and…”

“Wait, wait, wait, calm down.” The woman cocked up an eyebrow sassily as she placed one hand on her hip. “Are you shitting me? It’s pretty early in the morning and I’m not up for you telling me lame jokes.”

“But…” I was speechless for a moment.

How could she doubt my words? Didn’t see the state Luke was in?

“I’m not joking!”

“Oh my god, I’m starting to believe what people say about you is true.” The flight attendant shook her head at me as I glared at her. “He’s a male, sweetie, he can’t be pregnant.”

That’s when I exploded.

“Goddammit, do I look like I’m kidding?! My best friend is running a dangerously high fever and vomiting every few seconds and if he has contractions and doesn’t get surgery he’ll fucking die!”

The next seconds were just a blur. I sat there, a half-conscious and shaking Luke on my lap, yelling at the lady who stared at me like I was going crazy. Suddenly the door burst open again and a male flight attendant barged in on us, quickly exchanging a few sentences with his colleague before crouching down beside me.

I vaguely acknowledged him asking what was going on and managed to tell him in a shaky voice, but in my mind I was already gone.

I didn’t even realize I had been drawn straight into a panic attack until the guy carefully removed Luke from my lap and talked to me in a soothing way, trying to calm me down. He told me he believed my story and he had done medical training.

He promised he would look after Luke.

However, only seconds after he’d started to check him over he stormed out and I could faintly hear him yell at someone to get this airplane to land as soon as possible because of a medical emergency.

During all of this I just sat there, petrified, frozen. I couldn’t remember any situation where I’d been more afraid. My rapid heartbeat was the only thing I could hear and my breathing had been replaced by heavy panting as the weight on my chest steadily increased.

The flight attendant told me Luke was indeed having contractions, but I had already known.

However, that didn’t make it any easier.

Even though I felt like I was barely there anymore, I couldn’t stop thinking. What if Luke ended up getting hurt? What if we couldn’t land soon enough? What if he _died_?

All of these questions whirling around behind my forehead made me feel sick to my stomach, but somehow I managed to act like I was okay, to act like I was sure everything was going to be alright.

I pretended for Luke, however, this time not in order to conceal his private life but because he needed me to hold his hand and be strong when he couldn’t. I sat beside him, running my shaky fingers through his sweaty hair as more contractions hit him.

I refused to let go until the wheels of the plane had touched the ground, until paramedics stormed the jet and took Luke, who had fallen unconscious a few minutes before we’d landed.

After they had told me where they were going to take him they left me alone, standing in the middle of the room where all the drama of the last 15 hours had occurred. That’s when I realized I had nowhere to go.

What was I going to do now? Should I call Michael? What on earth was I supposed tell him?

I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know if Luke was going to be okay. I didn’t know if _anything_ would _ever_ be the same after this flight.

Honestly, I didn’t even want to call Michael. I didn’t want to deal with the frantic questions he would be asking and I didn’t want to have to tell him what was going on.

I was just so tired.

Slowly my eyes, which had – surprisingly – stayed dry during the last few hours, filled up with tears until they spilled over, making their way down my cheeks and leaving wet trails on my skin.

And finally, I could cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for torturing yoouuuuuu ㅠㅠ 
> 
> acc, i'm not quite sure why i keep writing angst. i absolutely HATE reading it, esp if there's character death, yet i still end up killing 5/8 of my OCs (which are acc totally unrelated to this).
> 
> yea, i can't believe this is nearing the end. it's been such a journey. (dw tho, there's still like 5 chapters left).
> 
> also, i have some advice for you: if you like being alive, don't ever start listening to kpop (it will drag you down to hell & beyond). acc, don't start listening to music at all. just stay home or do whatever normal ppl do i guess.
> 
> have a nice day!


	32. Chapter 32

**_Michael_ **

 

“Ashtoooon,” I whined, dragging out the second syllable of his name as my fingers created a steady rhythm on the table before me. When my bandmate didn’t budge immediately, I repeated his name.

“Ashtonio – talk to me.”

“What do you want?” he answered in the same whiny voice I had just used, but finally looked up from his phone.

“I’m bored,” I complained as I rested my head on the table. “I miss Luke.”

“Stop misbehaving, Michael! People could see you!” Ashton scolded immediately and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“ _Now_ you talk to me, but only to tell me that I should act like an adult. C’mon, I’m Michael Clifford. People expect such things from me.”

“Well, Michael Clifford – I ain’t gonna tolerate that, got it?” Ashton jokingly slapped the back of my hand with his giant drummer hand and turned to his phone again afterwards. However, I was quick to snatch it away from him, safely keeping it in my closed fist as I shook my head at my bandmate.

“You’re here to talk to me, Ashton, not to stare at your phone and wait for anything to happen.”

“Nuh-uh, false,” Ashton corrected. “I’m here because Cal- uhm, everyone else is busy and you’re suffering from chronical I-miss-my-boyfriend-syndrome. I took pity on you, that’s why I brought you here.”

“Rude,” I scowled, but then added cheekily: “And by everyone else you mean a certain New Zealander and Hey Violet.”

“Shut up.”

If I hadn’t been there to witness it myself, I wouldn’t have believed that a bright blush bloomed on Ashton’s tan cheeks as soon as I mentioned Calum. I sniggered to myself, content that I’d found something to bug my friend with and pay him back for all the times he had mocked me because I missed Luke.

However, here he was, clinging to Calum as if his life depended on it and becoming grumpy whenever Nia showed up anywhere. Truth be told, Calum was quite clingy as well, but he at least went out with the girl he was supposedly dating from time to time while Ashton was barely seen with anyone who didn’t have dark hair, brown puppy eyes and squishy cheeks anymore.

Thinking of Calum had reminded me of the fact that I still didn’t know if he was dating Nia or not, which was a little sad, considering we were best friends. However, I’d been shutting everyone out for my own good since Luke had left and, honestly, it had really helped me relax a bit.

Fortunately, now I was absolutely pumped for the next leg of our tour, which would start tomorrow. Even though things had been pretty rough for me but especially for Luke and Arz, I wanted to see the fans and perform for them.

Most of them were nice and respectful after all, weren’t they?

I raised my eyebrows at my own thoughts, turning back to Ashton, who was staring off.

“Hey, dude.” I had to wave my hand around in front of his face to get his full attention again. “What’s the matter with you?”

Ashton sheepishly shrugged and looked at his hands, which were still resting where his phone had once been.

“Just thinking,” he muttered.

Once again I could only shake my head at his odd behaviour. For some reason the feeling that something serious was going on with him wouldn’t leave my gut.

However, for now I decided to brush it off and changed the topic quickly.

“So, are you looking forward to the next leg of the tour?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” he replied and finally looked up at me again. “I mean, even though performing is fucking exhausting, I still missed being on stage.”

“So did I.” I sighed. “I’m kinda afraid of the drama, though. Of course people are a lot kinder in person, and I don’t think they’d dare say anything to us, but they’re still pissed off because of Arz’ baby. I’m afraid the bad vibe will ruin everything.”

Ashton nodded in agreement, his fingers drumming on the table, which was covered with a white cloth.

“You’re so right. I know it wasn’t her fault that the information leaked, but it was just bad timing. Aren’t you mad, though?”

“Huh? Why would I be mad?” I didn’t understand what Ashton wanted to hear from me. Whom would I be mad at?

“At Arzaylea,” my bandmate clarified. “After all she agreed to pretend to be Luke’s girlfriend, but now that she’s pregnant she can’t just stop anymore. Everyone, including our management, thinks Luke got her pregnant. It’ll be much worse if you come out to them now, which you will have to do eventually because of Luke’s…you know.”

“Daniel?” A small smile crept onto my face, even though the mere thought of the drama about Arzaylea and Luke made my chest feel uncomfortably tight.

“You didn’t tell me you named him. But I like Daniel.” Ashton smiled softly and I nodded, explaining, “well, you were always with Cal and when you weren’t Luke didn’t exactly…want to talk about it.”

“That was fucked up, dude. But it’s gonna get better.”

“I hope so,” I replied.

And honestly, these words were ones probably the truest I’d ever spoken. I really hoped we were going to be fine. I really hoped the fans would forgive us once they found out we had been lying to them.

I really hoped Luke was going to be alright.

The thing was, though, I wasn’t blind. I _did_ see he was suffering. Every time I watched his face scrunch up slightly at the mention of anything linked to the pregnancy my heart shattered a little more.

I felt so bad because I knew for a fact that he didn’t enjoy carrying our baby very much, even though he loved Daniel. However, all the child brought were worries at the moment.

I could tell Luke was afraid of the future – whenever we passed a mirror he would look at himself a few seconds too long and grimace afterwards, fearing that the fans might notice his tiny baby bump.

Strangely, I even felt like there was something more to his behaviour at times, but I knew that was just my paranoia acting up. Nonetheless, I knew Luke wasn’t ready and therefore neither could I be.

“After he left I turned off all of my notifications,” I told Ashton after a little while of silence. “I just felt like I needed to get away from everything – and it really helped, you know. It helped me remember that nothing people say online has to have any impact on my actual life. I just wish Luke would remember that, too.”

“He’s not dealing well with people’s opinions, is he?” Ashton said. “Truth be told, they’re saying a lot of shit about him. It’s like they decided to pick on him specifically, although he doesn’t deserve it.”

“Arz doesn’t deserve it either. She’s a nice girl – well, she may be a little extra sometimes, but she fucking cares for Luke and me. I trust her with him and that says a lot. If people just let the two of them enjoy their friendship or relationship or whatever, things would be so much easier. It’s not her fault, though.”

Ashton sheepishly shrugged again, taking a small sip from the water he had ordered earlier. “I’m sorry I’m still wary of her. It’s hard to forget about old habits and attitudes, you know. But anyway, why don’t you tell me about Daniel? How’s Luke doing, like, pregnancy-wise?”

I spent the next 30 minutes telling my bandmate about my first son. Last time Luke and I had been at the doctor’s office Dr Simons had warned me that there might be complications later on.

He had told me Luke had seemed very tense, but he hadn’t wanted to worry him so he had come to talk to me, which I was still grateful for. Without him I wouldn’t even have known I had to watch out for my boyfriend.

However, other than that he had said that our baby, Daniel, was completely fine and he would like to do another ultrasound in a few weeks.

Ashton seemed pretty interested in the baby and asked me if he could babysit it when it was born. Of course I agreed – he was one of the most reliable persons I knew and I trusted him and my other bandmates with my life. Having him around the baby could only be good.

It was very nice to chat and make plans with Ashton. We hadn’t hung out in a while since I had been very busy with Luke and he’d been with Calum, but the fact that it had been a few months since our last conversation only meant that we had a lot to talk about.

Ash and I spend the entire afternoon in the small café we had chosen, eating cake, drinking coffee and wasting our time by rating the clothing choices of the people around us. We were both having a great time, ultimately relaxing for the last time before the next leg of the tour started.

However, the good times apparently weren’t supposed to last any longer.

At 04:51 pm my phone started buzzing. I only memorised what time it was because when I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Arzaylea, I wondered why she was calling this early. She and Luke were only supposed to land in twenty minutes after all, so why were they already in Los Angeles?

With a frown I looked at my phone for a moment, weighing out the pros and cons of taking the call. I had just been about to eat my last piece of the delicious slice of cake I had ordered, but I kind of felt like I shouldn’t let Arzaylea wait.

Therefore I pressed the green button, raising my hand so that the phone was next to my ear.

“Arz?”

“M-Mike.”

I immediately knew something was wrong. The way she had said my name had sounded odd, as if she had been crying, as if something bad had happened. My stomach turned and I gulped, my heartbeat accelerating in my chest as I spoke.

“What’s going on?”

“What do you m-mean?” I could tell she was trying to make this easy for her and probably for me, but I wasn’t buying it. Her hesitance made me feel like she had to tell me something life-changing – something I’d never get over.

The sick feeling in my stomach only increased when I asked again, my voice still surprisingly firm.

“I can tell something happened, Arz? What is going on?!”

I could feel myself start to grow even more anxious when a small sob rang out to me, followed by a small “I just don’t know how to tell you”.

That’s when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Even though we had hardly been on the phone for a full minute, her odd behaviour had caused a storm of anxiety to build up in my chest, now raging beneath my ribcage, making my fingers grow so shaky that I almost dropped the phone into my cup of coffee.

“What is it, goddammit?”

I didn’t even care that I sounded hysterical – I just needed her to tell me what was going on. Why did I feel like something was wrong with her? Why couldn’t my brain stop telling me something had happened?

Why did I feel like I _knew_ Luke wasn’t fine?

“He- They t-took him to the hospital.”

This one sentence was all it took for Arz to burst into tears. She started sobbing uncontrollably into my ear, making me even more nervous as she choked out an explanation.

“He had con-contractions and I don’t even know what’s wrong with him, Mike- He started vomiting and was super delirious and he told me things – horrible things… And then they took him away a-and I… I’m so sorry.

“I couldn’t do anything, Mike, I promise. They took him away and I don’t know what’s happening right now. I don’t even know if he’s alright… Fuck, he- He was so weak!”

A loud crash sounded in the café the moment my phone hit the floor, the display shattering into thousand pieces. Truth be told, I kind of wondered why my heart didn’t stop right then and there.

Luke had been taken to the hospital. He had had contractions – but it was far too early for that. He was hardly five months into the pregnancy. Why on earth had he had contractions?

“What?” I croaked, my mind not being able to comprehend the fact that the phone had slipped from my hand.

It was like someone had pressed the slow motion button.

I stumbled backwards, almost knocking over my chair and making me lose balance. There had been times when I’d tripped over before, but never had a fall ever taken that long. Pictures flashed in front of my eyes as I literally felt myself flying backwards and somehow in the back of my mind, I had to time wonder if this was what dying was like.

Everyone always said that before your brain shuts down your memories will go through your mind, filing past like a sickeningly familiar movie – maybe I was experiencing the same right now because all I could think of was my relationship with Luke.

I saw his timid smile and heard the awkward puberty-like cracking of his voice when he laughed and my heart ached when I realised I used to hate him – I had really moved on from that by now.

Memories from the London era flashed through my mind and I remembered fooling around with Luke, hidden in dark hotel rooms and small bunks on our tourbus. The euphoria I had felt when Luke had agreed to be my boyfriend was still as strong and present as ever, but it was soon replaced by the familiar fear of being caught, of being _separated_.

What if Luke and I had told our managers about our relationship? Would we still be together right now? Would we be happily united right now? Or would we be suffering on our own, mourning over the loss of everything we’d ever had, devastated and apart?

The last thing that came to my mind before I finally hit the ground were recent memories of Luke – him crying over his pregnancy, him smiling quietly when I suggested Daniel as a name for or baby, him observing himself in the mirror and worrying over his baby bump.

Was this the end?

Was he alright? Was Daniel alright? What would I find if I came looking for him?

I didn’t know.

My head was totally deserted, filled with a void of such greatness that I seriously wondered how I was even able to think after reliving all of my memories with Luke, when I hit the ground, the pain flashing through my body catapulting me back into reality.

I couldn’t talk; I couldn’t make a sound. I just sat there, shaking, beside my shattered phone until someone, who was presumably Ashton, picked up the device. The next minutes were a big blur.

Ashton must have talked to Arzaylea, but I didn’t hear, or really perceived, anything until someone started shaking me.

“Talk to me, Mike, fucking talk to me! Are you okay?” the person screamed and I immediately knew it was Ashton.

I opened my mouth slightly in an attempt to answer, but the only word that did manage escape my closed up throat was a weak stutter of my boyfriend’s name.

“Luke.”

I needed to see him. I needed to know if he was alright. I couldn’t leave him in LA, knowing he wasn’t fine.

I had promised him we were going to be okay, hadn’t I? What had happened? What had even caused all of this? Why did my brain keep asking questions I couldn’t answer?

Arzaylea’s words replayed over and over in my mind, filling my ears until I barely heard Ashton talking anymore.

_“They took him to the hospital. He had contractions. He was super delirious. He told me things.”_

Then, anxiety took over and I didn’t know anything anymore, apart from the fact that my chest was hurting so much that I just couldn’t breathe. However, during the entire panic attack I experienced in that café I mentally clung to the fact that I needed to see Luke.

I just couldn’t leave him alone – goddammit, I loved him and he needed me. I didn’t care tour was starting, I just had to embrace him with my arms as soon as possible.

And as soon as I could talk again I told Ashton to book us the soonest flight to Los Angeles – no matter if we had a show to put on tomorrow, we were off to LA right now.

 

_____________________________________

 

The anxiety attack had tired me out, but I couldn’t find any rest on the flight. Ashton had managed to get us two tickets for a flight that left three hours after we had heard the news, so we literally just grabbed our passports and went to the airport.

Luckily, everything went down smoothly and we were let on the airplane soon – however, since we were on a public flight there were about 150 other people with us.

It costed me all of my self-control to stay in my seat and let the flight attendants explain the safety procedures, even though I knew every single word of their speech by heart. I clenched my fists until my fingernails were painfully digging into my skin, almost making me hiss at the stinging sensation.

However, for some reason the pain kind of helped me keep sane in the midst of the hurricane that was now raging behind my forehead. I had considered talking to Ashton in order to distract myself from the fact that I had been left in the dark about Luke’s condition.

In the end I had decided against it because I could tell my friend was just as worried as I was, and secondly I didn’t even know if I was able to form any words right now.

Therefore I kept quiet, trapped in my own head with my old demons which were constantly whispering to me, almost convincing me that nothing was ever going to be fine.

 

____________________________________

 

The flight was probably the worst thing I had ever had to sit through. It was nothing compared to the meetings with our managers, nothing compared to the lecture my mum had given me when she’d found out I had skipped school and rehearsed with my band instead – it was nothing compared to anything I’d ever experienced.

The more seconds passed by, the more anxious I grew. During the landing I was barely able to keep my feet still, which resulted in me receiving many disapproving glares from other passengers.

However, it was safe to say that I couldn’t care less. As soon as we were allowed to unbuckle and leave the plane I bolted out of my seat, scurrying towards the exit of the plane. The flight attendants, who were supposed to say goodbye to the passengers, cast a few confused glances at me as I rushed past them, but I barely noticed it.

I just needed to get out of this airplane as quickly as possible.

Since we often used private jets on tour, I didn’t know where the exit of the airport was, but luckily there were a few people who I could follow. They led me to the hall where passengers were supposed to pick up their luggage, but I didn’t have to wait there as I didn’t bring any.

“Michael!” I spun around when I heard Ashton call my name and saw my Aussie friend scurrying towards me, panting heavily as he did so.

As soon as he had reached me he stopped running and bent forward, using his knees as support while he was trying to catch his breath.

“So, wh-what are you gonna do…now?” he managed to get out between the gasps for air. “What’s the plan?”

I could literally feel my shoulders slump as I looked around. This airport, which I’d visited so many times, had never seemed more unfamiliar. Where were we, even? Where was Arzaylea? Was she with Luke?

Where was Luke?

What was the plan?

Again the questions started to overwhelm me and I had to fight the urge to just sit down on the ground and pathetically cry into my hands. Right here I was lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore.

Honestly, I didn’t even know what I’d expected when I’d got on the plane, but now that I was here all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

Had I failed as a boyfriend?

The answer was: Yes, I had.

I was supposed to be waiting for a cab to take us to Luke right now, but instead the only thing I could do right now was cry and hope for a miracle.

Luke had surely been taken to the nearest hospital – however, I didn’t even know where the nearest hospital was.

I could have got there already within the period of time I’d spent standing here, looking around like a disorientated squirrel.

What if Luke was on his death bed right now? If he’d had contractions like Arzaylea had told me, there was a high chance of him dying if he didn’t make it to the hospital in time.

I had not thought about this possibility before – at least not consciously – but now that the idea had formed in my head I couldn’t let go anymore.

With all might I could summon up I tried to force myself to think about something else, to _hope_ for a different outcome, but the fear in my heart had already taken over.

It took me all of the strength I had left to keep standing upright, to not let my knees buckle under the unbearable weight of my body. The world started spinning, tilting in front of my eyes and the pain in my chest returned with a vengeance, making me aware of the fact that I was having another panic attack.

However, I couldn’t help it. For now I just had to focus on keeping myself under control and staying strong – for Luke.

“Michael! Michael?” Ashton’s voice only delivered me after an eternity. His voice sounded like its source was far away from me, but I tried my best to focus on it and make it my ticket back to reality.

“Are you even listening?” My friend was waving his hand around in front of my face when I fully regained consciousness. “I know where they are!”

“Wh-what?” My voice was hoarse and half of me didn’t even want him to tell me where they had taken Luke. I might be a bad boyfriend, but at the moment I just knew I couldn’t take any bad news.

“They took him to a hospital which is a few blocks from here. I tried to ring Arzaylea, but she didn’t answer. But then I luckily went on the Twitter update pages to see if any of them had seen her, and apparently she was photographed while entering the hospital.

“I mean, normally I’d say it’s a shame that people feel the need to stalk us like this, but today it’s our rescue.”

My heart sank at his words. This was worse than I’d thought. Even if Luke was to be alright, even if he magically recovered within the next hour, the fans still knew. The fans would still ask question.

They might be oblivious about the fact that Luke had been taken to the hospital, but them asking why Arzaylea had been seen there was just as bad.

I didn’t even realise I’d clenched my fists tightly until Ashton grabbed my hands and gently uncurled my fingers.

“It’s gonna be alright,” he murmured, “we’re gonna be fine.”

However, not even the usually soothing tone of his voice managed to calm the storm inside me.

 

___________________________________________

 

Ashton and I went to the hospital as fast as we could. He called a cab for us and told the driver to ignore the speed limit, even though he was usually the most responsible person ever.

Nonetheless, when we reached the hospital it was already 5:00 pm and I felt as though hours had passed by since Arzaylea’s call.

When we stormed into the building, disorientated and not knowing what to look for, I felt another wave of helplessness overcome me, but luckily Ashton went to the reception and asked the lady behind the desk if she knew where Luke was.

“Are you relatives of his?” the girl, who couldn’t be much older than us, asked.

I opened my eyes, about to reveal the fact that I was much more than Luke’s bandmate, but Ashton cut me off. “We’re really close friends. More like brothers.”

“He’s in building B on the 6th floor, Unit D,” the receptionist told us after looking at her computer screen.

However, I wasn’t really content with her answer.

“What does that mean? What exactly happened? Is he okay? Can you _please_ tell me if he’s okay?” The questions just kept bubbling out of my mouth and I couldn’t stop them from coming out.

I had kept them in for too long.

“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to help you,” the girl apologised. “Firstly, you’re not related by blood-“

Aghast at her words, I cut her off. “I’m his fucking boyf-“

However, the receptionist calmly raised her hand, signalling me to keep my mouth shut before adding, “and secondly, I don’t know either. There’s nothing about his condition noted here.”

“Uh…I’m sorry, I understand,” I gulped, desperately trying to blink away the tears behind my eyes.

I couldn’t tell if the fact that she didn’t know anything was good or bad. However, it seemed like I would find out soon – even too soon, maybe.

“See you,” Ashton told the receptionist before we left the lobby, going to find the building the lady had mentioned.

Luckily, the hospital was well-equipped with maps, so that finding the right building didn’t take us very long. Ashton and I kept quiet on our way there, as neither of us was in the mood to talk.

When we exited the elevator which had taken us all the way up to the 6th floor I could feel my panic grow again, making me feel sick to my stomach as we strolled down the main corridor.

Finally, after exiting the hallway that seemed to go on for miles, we reached the information hall and went straight to the registration desk.

“Do you have any information on Luke Hemmings?”

Before I could even open my mouth to say anything Ashton had already spoken up, addressing the man behind the desk.

He looked up, the bags under his eyes giving away how tired he was. “Are you related to him in any way?”

“He’s his boyfriend,” Ash quietly explained, pointing at me. “I’m their bandmate and friend, but we’re more like brothers.”

“You’re his boyfriend?” The guy raised an eyebrow, but I was too anxious to say anything.

“Please, I just wanna know what’s going on.”

My voice had become hoarse within the last hours and my tiredness was evident in every single word I spoke.

“Sadly, you won’t be able to see Mr Hemmings right away,” the man finally replied. “He’s in surgery right now and his condition is unstable.”

My heart missed a beat at his words and suddenly I was sure my knees would buckle under my weight. There was no way I could do this.

“What about Arzaylea Rodriguez? Did she turn up here?” Ashton helped me out once again. “She’s not a patient, but she came here right after Luke did.”

“Rodriguez? You mean that girl, not very tall, brunette, tan skin?”

“Could be.”

“She was here and asked the same questions as you just did, but we fetched a doctor for her. She was pretty out of it and we were afraid the distress would do harm to her baby after she told us she was pregnant.”

“Where is she now?” Ashton asked while I clung to his arm, trying not to topple over.

“She’s with a gynaecologist I think. But wait- Didn’t she tell me she was Hemmings’ girlfriend?”

Ashton shrugged the man’s question off. “It’s complicated. Can you tell us where we can wait for…Luke?”

“There’s a room down the hall,” the guy answered and then turned to me. “Someone may want to talk to you if you’re his boyfriend. We were told Hemmings’ relatives are all in Australia.”

“That’s where he came from,” I whispered, only now thinking about the fact that he had been supposed to return from visiting his parents today. “He was on a plane that was supposed to take him to Tulsa. That’s where i-it happened.”

“I’m sorry,” the man sympathetically told me and I didn’t even care if his words were genuine or not. Right now I just wanted to wake up and find out all of this had been a dream – a stupid, silly dream.

“Thanks for helping us out,” Ashton politely thanked the man and grabbed my hands afterwards, pulling me towards the other end of the corridor where the waiting room was supposed to be.

When we arrived there, the room was vacant and I immediately wondered if Luke was the only one in surgery right now. What ward were we even in right now? Why was he getting surgery? What had the doctors found out?

I didn’t realise I was silently crying until someone wrapped an arm around me shoulders, pulling me close. Honestly, I didn’t even want any physical comfort right now, but I was too tired and out of it to protest.

I tried to stop the tears from falling, but they just kept coming and the longer I cried the wetter Ashton’s shirt became. However, I couldn’t care less – I was just so done right now.

So done with this situation, so done with the strange smell, so done with knowing Luke wasn’t okay but not being told anything.

I couldn’t do this anymore – I was weak, pathetically weak. I should stay strong and wait for my answers like a man, but instead I wept for my boyfriend like a stupid child.

Bitterly I ran a hand over my wet face. It felt like all the emotions I had felt – the anxiety that had sent me into two panic attacks already and the sadness, the helplessness and the panic – were flowing out of my body along with the tears.

And all they left behind was the great void I was already used to, the void that kept me from thinking, from breathing, from living.

 

 


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [pls don't kill me and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR KIND COMMENTS I APPRECIATE IT SO SO MUCH THANKS!!!]

**_Michael  
 _ **

„Michael? Michael, please, wake up for me…”

I was woken up by the sound of Ashton’s voice and when I confusedly opened my eyes, squinting because of the obnoxiously bright lighting, his face was hovering above me.

“What the fuck…” I mumbled and rubbed my forehead.

For some reason I had a nasty headache which made it very difficult to think, let alone remember where I was.

“I’m sorry,” my friend apologized and I immediately noticed that his voice wasn’t as cheery as usual – he sounded like something was off.

A vague premonition stole up on me and I quickly sat up, observing my surroundings.

“We’re in the waiting room, remember?” Ashton told me quietly. “You fell asleep an hour ago, but the doctors want to talk to you. I think Luke’s doctor – Dr Simons – is here, too.”

That’s when the memories hit me and for the split of a second I thought I was going to get sick. My heartbeat started quickening as I briefly remembered the events of the last few hours.

We were in the hospital. Arz had called. Luke had gotten contractions. Luke had been in surgery. Luke wasn’t okay.

My whole mind screamed the name of my boyfriend as I shakily got up, looking around. Where was I even supposed to go?

“Mr. Clifford?”

 I jumped in a paranoid manner when a female voice called my name and my eyes started scanning the room. Finally I spotted a nurse who was waving at me right next to the door.

“Mr. Clifford – I’m going to lead you to Dr Kahn and Dr Simons. Would you mind following me please?”

I cast a glance at Ashton, unsure what to do. Honestly, I didn’t want to follow her and receive any news, neither good nor bad ones – and if I had to, I wanted to take someone with me.

However, Ashton shook his head silently.

“Go, you’ll be alright. I’m sure it’s gonna be okay.”

“Really?”

My voice sounded tiny and it reminded me of the days before I’d become confident enough to play in a band and skip school.

Hadn’t I been just as scared then? As anxious? As shaky?

“Really,” Ashton said. “I’mma go look for Arz, but I’ll be there when you come back.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Feeling slightly more assured by his answer, I turned towards the door and followed the nurse. She led me down the corridor and into the elevator before she pressed a few random buttons.

Soon we were in a hallway again which led into another one that looked exactly the same. All the way to the doctor’s office I felt like a condemned man on his last journey, the journey to the gallows.

This scene was familiar to me – how many times had I seen it in movies before?

I didn’t know, but I remembered it so vividly that it almost felt like I had experienced this before.

“Mr. Clifford? We’re there.”

The statement of the nurse interrupted my thoughts, but for once I was really grateful that someone had snapped me out of it.

I looked up to face a door which was just as white as everything else in this hospital. Beside the frame there was a sign which probably read the doctor’s name, but I couldn’t be bothered to read it.

“Ready?” the nurse asked and I gulped.

Was I ready?

On the one hand, I felt like I wasn’t – truth be told, my whole body struggled against going in there and I really had to pull myself together to not run away in a rush.

However, on the other hand – when was I ever ready?

Taking in a huge breath, I nodded, immediately regretting my decision when the nurse pushed down the doorhandle.

What was I supposed to expect? What if they told me Luke was…not alright? What if they told me he was gone?

I felt my mouth become dry because of the adrenaline that was rushing through my veins again as the nurse finally opened the door.

“Dr Kahn? This is Mr. Clifford?”

“Thank you.”

The sound of an unfamiliar voice made me look up. Right in front of me there was a (white) desk which was packed with a lot of files and a huge computer. Behind it stood two seats, but only one was being occupied by a woman with rectangular glasses right now.

I frowned – was this Dr Kahn? I had kind of expected her to be, well, male, but in the end it didn’t matter anyway.

For a moment I just stood there and observed her, taking in every little feature of hers. I didn’t know what reason I was examining her for – maybe I wanted to know as much as I could about the person who knew about my boyfriend’s condition.

Maybe I wanted to distract myself – I didn’t really know.

“I’m Dr Kahn,” the lady said and stood up, stretching out her hand for me to take.

Only now I realised how tall and broad she was. Especially her shoulders were really wide, maybe even wider than Luke’s, which made her look mighty.

Slightly intimidated, I shook her hand as I observed her glasses. They truly made her look really strict, like someone you wouldn’t want to joke around with. Maybe that’s what they needed in a hospital like this – someone to lead the way.

“Please, take a seat.”

Dr Kahn’s voice didn’t exactly match her appearance. It was much quieter and softer than I had expected it to be and for a moment I was confused. However, then I understood – she was surely sympathetic, wasn’t she?

What if she had bad news for me? What if…

Suddenly the door opened again and a very familiar person entered the room, hurrying to sit next to Dr Kahn. I almost smiled – it was a typical Dr Simons move to be late for an appointment.

However, as soon as I remembered how many times he had checked Luke over and told us everything was going to be fine I grew serious again.

“Mr. Clifford,” Dr Kahn started, “I’m not sure if you know why you’re here. That’s why I’m going to enlighten you first. This is about your boyfriend, I believe, Mr. Luke Hemmings.”

“I know.”

My voice sounded tiny, hoarse. I really wished I could make myself look more confident right now, but my fear had taken the best of me.

“You may have also heard that he was taken here because he was suffering from stomach cramps, what most people would call contractions, considering he’s almost five months pregnant.”

Again I just nodded, unable to form any words. I could feel the moment of truth steadily approaching and wasn’t so sure if I could do this, if I could make it through this day.

Dr Kahn sighed deeply and immediately my attention was on her again as she spoke, “first of all, I’m fortunately able to tell you that Mr. Hemmings will be alright.”

I almost fell backwards when I jumped up and pushed my chair backwards with all might, making it crash to the ground with a loud noise. However, at the moment I couldn’t care less.

Had she just said that Luke was going to be alright? That he was going to be fine again?

“Say that again,” I whispered, “please, say it again.”

I just needed to hear the words _one more time_ , I needed to be _sure_ I wasn’t dreaming right now.

Dr Kahn’s mouth slightly twitched upwards when she patiently repeated: “Mr. Hemmings is gonna be okay.”

That was when I lost it. The stress of the last hours had probably been too much and now that I knew for sure that I hadn’t lost Luke I couldn’t help but burst into tears, tears of happiness, tears of infinite relief.

With shaky hands I wiped my face, not caring about the fact that I was only smudging and spreading the salty stickiness on my cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” I finally managed to choke out between two happy sobs. “I’m just- I was so scared, I’m so… Thanks for s-saving him!”

“Well…”

Dr Kahn sighed again, her face, which had shown the tiniest hint of happiness, suddenly so serious again that I immediately knew something was still wrong. The tears instantly stopped streaming down my face as I looked up, done, trying to calm my racing heart.

“You may be wondering why Dr London is here,” Dr Kahn continued when my full attention was on her again. “When we checked Mr. Hemmings files we found a footnote that said he was a patient of his, so we called him.”

“So what?”

My voice was still slightly shaky, or maybe it was shaky again – I didn’t really know. However, part of me already knew what she was going to tell me. Nonetheless, I hoped she wouldn’t say the words with all my might.

This couldn’t be true, could it? We didn’t deserve it.

“When Mr. Hemmings arrived here he almost was-“ Dr Kahn interrupted herself, shaking her head. “I’m not going to lie to you, he was in a life-threatening condition indeed. We had to prep him for an emergency surgery and tried everything to save him, in which we luckily succeeded…”

Suddenly I couldn’t hold myself back anymore

“But what happened then?!” I cut her off. “What are you trying to tell me?! What’s fucking wrong with my boyfriend?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Mr. Hemmings, apart from the fact that he is very sick right now,” Dr London finally stepped into the conversation. “But…”

He hesitated for a moment, as if he was desperately searching for the right words.

“Your baby, your son… He didn’t make it. There was nothing we could do for him.”

And these last words surely made my world shatter.

 

_________________________________

 

Even though part of me had anticipated Dr London’s statement, I had hoped with all my might that he wasn’t going to say them. I had held on to being uncertain, I had hoped for a miracle to happen, I had hoped for them to tell me that my son was okay.

However, they hadn’t.

My baby, Daniel, wasn’t okay.

I knew the shape of his tiny body by heart. My mind kept showing me the last sonogram Luke and I had received, the last picture I’d ever get of my first son, I realised.

Being on our way to become parents hadn’t always been easy for Luke and me – in fact it had been one of the hardest challenges I’d ever experienced.

I clearly remembered how I had felt when I had found out I was going to be dad. Having children, at such a young age – I had never thought about until Daniel happened, until he came and changed my life.

There were more present memories in my mind, memories of choosing Daniel’s name with Luke, memories of staring at the sonograms, smiling when Luke had told me he could feel Daniel kick him.

It was hard to believe that all of this was just gone like this.

It would never be the same.

Daniel wouldn’t return.

We had lost our blessing, the one we had been cursed with, to the angels.

Now, I didn’t really believe in god or anything, but at that moment I prayed to the lord, I desperately begged him to take good care of my son up there, wherever he might be right now.

Although I was probably supposed to be happy I hadn’t lost Luke, my entire mind was filled with Daniel. He was everywhere, his name in my ears when I blocked out Dr Simons voice, the picture of his tiny body in front of my eyes when I shut them.

He just wouldn’t leave and I was glad – I wanted to keep the memory vivid as long as I could.

However, the memories were accompanied by a kind of pain I had never experienced before. It quite literally felt like someone had taken a piece out of my chest and left it all empty, every heartbeat reminding me of it.

There was a hole where Daniel had been before. All the feelings I’d had for him, all the emotion I had felt when thinking of him had been ripped out of me, gone like the words that had slipped out of Dr London’s mouth and confirmed one of my worst fears.

The anxiety I had felt earlier was gone now, replaced by a void greater than anything I’d ever known.

Being in the office of Dr Kahn with Dr Simons didn’t make it any easier. I kind of wished they would leave me alone for a second, but they didn’t and the rational part of my mind kind of understand why they needed to inform me about Luke’s condition.

“His body was infected with some kind of flu virus in Australia,” Dr Simons explained. “His body was weak and couldn’t fight it. It probably also triggered the ‘contractions’.”

I didn’t listen. It was as easy and simple as that – I just _couldn’t_ listen.

From their very first word my attention was already averted and tears formed in my eyes as I remembered the day I had told my parents about my baby. After Luke had left I had sat down with the two of them and calmly explained the situation.

I would probably never forget the spark in my mother’s eyes when she finally realised what I was telling her was reality and that she was going to be a real grandma.

What would she say? What would Liz say?

The thought of Luke’s mother made me feel sick to my stomach. No matter if she’d been with her son last, I still felt like I hadn’t taken care of him well enough.

The feeling of guilt wouldn’t leave my gut, although I knew it was probably irrational.

“Mr. Clifford? Are you even listening to us?”

Dr Kahn’s voice almost startled me to death and for a moment I choked on my own spit, unable to swallow down the lump in my throat. My eyes were still brimming with tears that were yet to fall, but at the moment I didn’t think I could cry.

“I’m sorry,” I croaked, slightly aghast at how raspy and broken my voice sounded. “I just- I’m not really able to comprehend anything right now. C-could I maybe just…see him?”

Dr Kahn tilted her head to one side, her forehead wrinkling worriedly.

“Well,” she sighed, “I think we’ll be able to arrange that, but you’ll need to cover your mouth and clothes. Mr. Hemmings just came out of surgery and he’s very weak right now. His body is still fighting the virus he caught, but unfortunately we can’t give him more painkillers at the moment.”

I shook my head. “I don’t care I just wanna see him.”

“One of our nurses will take you to your boyfriend, then,” the doctor decided. “Just let us know when you or another family member are ready to hear the whole story. Unfortunately, we have to inform you, but I understand why you don’t want to sit through this right now.”

“Thanks.”

Somehow I managed to crack a weak smile, almost bursting into tears afterwards when I realised how wrong it had felt.

Would I ever be able to laugh again? Would the empty feeling in my chest ever vanish?

I should probably be happy they let me see Luke, but I couldn’t stop grieving; I couldn’t stop thinking I had lost something essential.

“Oh, Mr. Clifford?”

I was already at the door when Dr Kahn’s voice made me turn around and look back one last time.

“Don’t be…disappointed if he isn’t conscious,” the doctor said. “We’re lucky he’s still here with us, so please don’t overwhelm him.”

“I won’t,” I whispered back, but only after I’d already closed the door behind me.

 

_____________________________________

 

“Do you have your gloves on yet?” the male nurse who’d led me to Luke’s room asked.

I nodded silently, looking down and observing my new outfit. I had been given protective clothing and gloves as well as new shoes and a mask.

Apparently the people working at the hospital had to be absolutely sure Luke wasn’t infected with any other germs so that he didn’t get worse.

“Alright, then you’re good to go in.”

The man, who looked like he came from an Asian country, sent me an encouraging smile.

He had probably wanted to be nice, but seeing him grin made me feel a sharp sting somewhere beneath my ribcage. I only nodded at the guy and turned to the door, which the nurse opened with a key card.

“Here you go,” he told me, his voice muffled because of the mask.

Tentatively I stepped forward, shuffling past the entrance and into the white room. For some reason I felt like I was entering the territory of an enemy. I swallowed hard and looked around, still not quite inside the room.

As mentioned before, all I saw was white at first. The plain walls weren’t adorned with any pictures and neither was the door to my left that probably led to the bathroom. Even the bed in the corner furthest away from me was white, its metal construction shining under the bright lighting.

The only thing that wasn’t white in this room was the massive machine next to the bed. Dozens of wires were connected to it, their other end hidden under the blankets which were probably covering Luke right now.

I frowned a little when I didn’t even catch a glimpse of his brownish blonde hair or his pale face, wondering if the nurse had shown me the wrong room.

There definitely was a person curled up beneath the covers, but they looked tiny and more like a child than like my 6 ft. tall boyfriend.

“Go on,” I suddenly heard someone say behind me and jumped, spinning around to be met with the sight of the nurse’s slightly tan face.

“You can go over, he won’t bite,” the man told me, his dark eyebrows rising upwards as he did so.

“It doesn’t look like Luke.”

The words had slipped out of my mouth before I could properly swallow them back down. My eyes widened when I realised what I’d just said and I stared at the nurse in shook, wondering what would happen next.

Surprisingly, the guy just laughed quietly – however, not in an evil way.

I didn’t feel like he was mocking me and my pain at all. Instead his little chuckle made me feel a little less anxious, a little courage finally showing.

“Can I?” I asked quietly, as if I didn’t want to wake Luke.

“Sure, go ahead.”

After the guy had shown his approval I slowly stepped forward, cautiously walking up to the bed and observing the heap of blankets.

At first I didn’t see anything, but then I noticed a hand sticking out from under the covers, slender fingers curled into a fist. My breath hitched when I moved my own hand forward and slightly touched Luke’s skin.

It felt icy-cold and I jumped a bit. I hadn’t expected it to be so stone-like, so lifeless. Inhaling deeply to calm myself down, I swallowed down the lump in my throat and carefully moved the covers until more of Luke’s arm was revealed.

A frown formed on my face when I realised how skinny and frail his wrist looked, like you could break it with bare hands.

When had he become so fragile?

I shook my head as a sharp pain shot through my chest, reminding me of why we were here. Suddenly I felt the overwhelming urge to rip the covers off Luke’s body and look at him. I just needed to touch him again to know he was alright.

Right now it felt like he’d vanish if I closed my eyes for a second, gone forever and never seen again. I just couldn’t deal with the thought.

“Argh, fuck,” a loud curse escaped my mouth as I forcefully pulled back the blankets that had concealed my boyfriend before.

However, now that I was finally facing his curled up body I wished I had been more careful. Nothing should be violent in this room – my movements shouldn’t be and my words shouldn’t either.

Luke’s sight made me tear up immediately. I didn’t remember what he had exactly looked like when I had said goodbye to him at LAX, but I knew he hadn’t been nearly as small. His normally huge body seemed to have shrunk so that it was drowning in the white hospital gown the nurses had given him to wear.

I knew his skin hadn’t been as pale and as translucent when he’d left and I knew I hadn’t been able to feel his bones under his skin when I’d last hugged him.

However, he had only been in Australia for a week. Could 7 days really make such a big difference?

I shook my head.

No. 7 days didn’t matter at all. 7 days were far too short. He must have been like this before.

Had I just not paid enough attention?

I couldn’t recall any recent moment when I’d noticed how frail he was, but he had to have been like this before he had left.

Why on earth hadn’t I noticed? Being that skinny couldn’t be healthy – what if it had contributed to the events on the flight? What if Luke’s weight was the reason Daniel was gone now?

What if all of this was my fault because I hadn’t been paying enough attention to my boyfriend?

The thought almost made me topple over.

When I’d first heard the news I had never thought of blaming anyone. However, now that it looked like I was the guilty one anger started bubbling up in my stomach and I felt the sudden urge to punish me for what I’d done.

Luke didn’t deserve this.

Daniel didn’t deserve this.

Yet now my boyfriend was here, unconscious, oblivious to his loss, and Daniel was gone, dead, faded. I was the one to blame.

I needed to be punished.

“Hey, hey, stop that!” The male nurse’s voice made me jump and my fingers, which had been squeezing my own skin so tightly that it had grown white like snow, quickly let go of my other arm.

“You can’t just do that in front of me,” the young man exclaimed, aghast at my behaviour. “If you do that again I’ll call a doctor over and have your wrists checked out. You can’t just hurt yourself like that.”

“Why?”

My voice sounded dead.

“I deserve it.”

“What are you talking about?”

The nurse seemed entirely confused now. I shrugged.

“I didn’t pay enough attention to him.”

“But-“

“No ‘but’,” I suddenly screamed, unable to contain my emotions anymore. “I’m the reason he’s in this fucking bed! If I had paid more attention to him he wouldn’t be here right now!

I shouldn’t have let him visit Australia on his own!

“You know what? I’m the worst boyfriend ever for letting him go that easily? No, I’m even worse – I don’t even wanna be here right now because I don’t know what to say to him when he wakes up and looking at his body reminds me of it.

“I don’t fucking know how to tell him his child is gone! He carried it and now it’s gone! He’s gonna blame himself when it’s really my fault because I didn’t pay enough attention and let him go alone!

“And I just can’t stand witnessing that! I can’t do it! I don’t wanna see how guilty he feels, I don’t wanna see how hurt he is.

“I should be eager to stay by his side, but I can’t do this!”

During my monologue the guy had already pressed the red triangle button beside the door in order to call for help, but I didn’t notice.

The louder I screamed, the more painful grew the pain in my chest.

What had I done?

Had I killed my son? Had I destroyed my boyfriend’s life? What if I had?

The agony became too much. I had just lost a child and seemed to be the one to blame – I just collapsed. I broke down, screaming until there was nothing left in my lungs and my throat was on fire, until my eyes had run out of tears.

Honestly, I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted the pain to subside and my vision to slowly give way. I wanted to fade away like Daniel had. At that moment I wanted to die.

I was tired.

But sadly, they didn’t let me die. They didn’t let me hug Luke even. They took me out of his room and looked me away somewhere else. They said they needed me to calm down so that I didn’t hyperventilate.

I didn’t care. I was done. I was guilty.

That was the last thing I thought before everything faded into darkness.

______________________________

 

“Mr. Clifford? Mr. Clifford, you need to wake up?”

A familiar voice startled me awake and I shot up instantly, trying to figure out where I was.

“I have breakfast for you!” My head spun around when the person who had woken me up spoke again and my eyes widened, recognising the young male nurse immediately.

Suddenly all the memories of yesterday came back with a vengeance and I buried my face in my hands.

The fact that I was still in the hospital meant that everything was real. It meant that Luke was in critical condition. It meant that we’d lost Daniel.

“I’m not hungry.”

My voice sounded monotone and actually represented what it looked like inside me. I felt like my mind was a wasteland, burnt out and devastated.

“At least drink something – you need to stay hydrated,” the nurse told me and handed me a glass of water, which I hesitantly accepted.

The feeling of the cold smooth surface against my lips made me shiver as I watched the nurse walk around the room and collect some things.

“I never actually introduced myself, did I?” the guy randomly asked after a while. “Well, I’m Jasper Phelps. I’m usually allocated to your boyfriend, Mr. Hemmings.”

I immediately froze when he said the word ‘boyfriend’. How did he know about me and Luke? Had that information leaked too, after all?

However, then I realised he must have picked it up yesterday when he took me to Luke. Suddenly I frowned.

If he was assigned to Luke, why was he here right now?

“Why are you here?” I expressed my thought. “Why aren’t you with Luke?”

“Honestly, I just wanted to see if you were okay with seeing him today. He’s still really delirious, but I think it’d help if someone was with him. He’s very scared.”

I gulped hard.

“I’ll visit him as soon as I’m fully dressed.”

“Alright, then I’ll come back to pick you up in 10 minutes, okay?”

Phelps raised an eyebrow at me as if he was expecting an answer, so I simply nodded. At the moment I didn’t think I was able to form any proper words.

The nurse was just about to leave the room and give me some privacy when suddenly the door opened and someone barged in, almost knocking Phelps over.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry!” I immediately noticed the voice with the thick Aussie accent and my heartbeat accelerated a bit, even though I still felt just as miserable.

Not even Ashton could make the pain of losing your child subside.

“Um, no problem, really,” I heard Phelps stutter. “I was just about to-“

“I’m Ashton by the way,” Ash quickly explained. “I’m Michael’s fr- brother, just so you know. They said he was in here.”

“It’s fine. I’m the one who was assigned to look after Luke Hemmings. My name’s Jasper Ph- just Jaz.”

“Hi, Jaz,” I heard Ashton giggle and for some reason the sound made me really sad.

How could he smile in times like these? How could he laugh when Luke was scared and sad and alone and our baby had just died? How could he be happy right now?

_Stop blaming Ashton, Michael!_ , a little voice told me from the back of my head. _This isn’t his fault. You’re the only one who is to blame!_

“Argh, fuck,” I whispered to myself as I felt the familiar pain spread in my chest. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Suddenly two arms were wrapped around me and I was being engulfed in a bear hug, one of the kind Ashton saved for special moments.

Even though my mind screamed at me in protest, telling me I didn’t deserve sympathy, I needed to suffer on my own, I held on to my bandmate tightly, inhaling his familiar scent.

“I’m so sorry, Mikey,” he whispered, his hot cheeks pressed against my cold neck. “I’m so damn sorry.”

“Do you know what happened?”

I wasn’t even aware of what I was saying until Ashton answered my question.

“Dr London talked to me ‘cause you didn’t listen to them. Someone had to inform Liz.”

“How did she react?”

My voice was almost gone now. I couldn’t – well, I didn’t want to imagine the reaction of Luke’s family.

“She was super shocked and worried, as expected. She’s on a plane over right now.”

“Were you with Luke?”

Ashton shook his head, sighing.

“They didn’t let me visit him. But I went to see Arzaylea.”

When I didn’t say anything he quickly added, “she’s still recovering, but her…she’s alright.”

Of course she was. Of course it had to be Luke’s child who was taken.

But I wouldn’t start blaming Arzaylea right now. I had no right to. I had no right to be here really.

I hadn’t paid enough attention and I had let Luke go to Australia on his own. I didn’t deserve to be comforted by his presence.

However, just because I felt guilty I wouldn’t let him suffer.

He had already lost everything – he shouldn’t have to go through this alone at least.


	34. Chapter 34

_**Michael** _

 

The next few days left scars on my mind. They were probably the most horrible experience I’d ever had, worse than finding out I had lost my son, worse than not knowing about the state Luke was in.

A lot of people said that no pain could ever compare to the feeling of losing a child.

However, I didn’t agree.

Losing a child and your boyfriend was much more agonizing.

Technically, I hadn’t lost Luke. He was supposed to be alright, yet I felt like the most important part of him was gone nonetheless these days.

I knew I would never forget the way he screamed and cried when his fever-addled mind had realised what had happened.

When he first started to wake up they sent me to stay with him and I obeyed, although every glance I cast at his lifeless figure and every shaky breath drawn by him reminded me of what I’d done.

I should have taken better care of him. I should have looked after him. I should have been more careful.

However, I pushed these thoughts aside. They told me he needed me and if there was anything I could do to help him, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.

At first he was barely conscious and only tossing and turning restlessly while I held his limp body to my chest, careful not to harm him by pulling at any of the wires that were connecting him to the machine next to us.

Sometimes I accidentally brushed against his small stomach through the thin material of his hospital gown, and to know Daniel wasn’t there anymore always brought tears to my eyes.

Back when he’d still been with us, I hadn’t been able to feel his kicks, but I knew Luke had – this had to be so much worse for him.

In fact, it was.

As soon as the doctors were able to lower his temperature and he grew a little more conscious, he became aware.

He became aware that something was missing, he became aware of the emptiness inside him and the lack of kicks and small punches.

His mortifying screams were still echoing with the walls of my skull. Never, never in my whole life would I ever be able to get rid of the terrible noises – I just knew.

The words Luke formed hurt even more, though. The way he screamed at the doctors to give him back his child over and over made me feel like someone was piercing little pins through my skin and into my chest, creating many tiny wounds that bled unnoticed.

“Give me back my son!”

I still knew my boyfriend’s words by heart. How could I forget anyway?

The longer he screamed, the more horrible became his cries.

Of course he blamed himself. Of course he thought this was his fault. Of course he painfully reminded me of the fact that _I_ hadn’t watched out for him enough and that now, he blamed himself for a mistake of mine.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to kill Daniel. I didn’t mean to do it.”

Neither I nor Jasper Phelps, who was with me at that time, knew what he was talking about, but I had a slight feeling that the doctors did indeed.

However, I didn’t care why he blamed himself. I figured it was just the way his personality was and his mentality worked. He had always been selfless and self-critical without ever acknowledging it.

What hurt the most about the situation weren’t his words, though. It wasn’t even the fact that Luke blamed himself for something that was my fault.

However, the moment he screamed at me to get out of his room, to leave him and never come back, I died. My whole world crashed at once and I still had to deal with the aftermath, with the panic attack that came after leaving the room and with the ache in my head that reminded me of the amount of tears I cried.

 

________________________________________

 

Luke had sent me away.

I was pretty sure he hadn’t done it to punish me but to protect me from him. After all he thought the miscarriage was his fault.

He probably thought he didn’t deserve me or my company, when in reality it was the other way round. I shouldn’t be crying for him and be happy he didn’t rely on me instead, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop craving his company.

No matter how guilty I felt, I knew I couldn’t deal with this on my own. I wouldn’t be fine if Luke broke up with me after this was over, but I’d accept it.

Right now, however, I knew I needed him and he definitely needed me, too. I had seen how hurt he was when he had told me to leave the room and I’d witnessed the way he had curled up in pain which might have been both physical and mental.

During the last few years, Luke and I had grown attached to each other and to break off our connection right now, in a situation of that kind, was killing me.

I desperately wished Luke would stop punishing and blaming himself.

 

__________________________

 

I was only allowed back in the room after they’d managed to calm him down and he was asleep again, but this time it wasn’t the same. Watching him lie there didn’t feel right because I knew he didn’t want me to be there.

That was why my heart shattered whenever my name escaped his lips like a whisper, him never knowing about it.

His mind was subconsciously reaching out for me and I couldn’t help enveloping his ridiculously frail body in my arms, ignoring the feelings of guilt burning at the pit of my stomach.

Quite frankly, I just couldn’t stop thinking.

I still hadn’t really talked to Dr London or any other doctor, so I still didn’t know what had happened. However, I doubted they had found out more about the cause of the miscarriage by now.

After all, the only piece of conscious Luke they could get right now was him screaming and crying, begging them to give him back his baby. Even in his sleep, his arms, which were restricted by wires, would twitch towards his belly in a protective manner, as if part of him still thought Daniel was there.

The fact that he wasn’t anymore made me feel sick.

I didn’t really sleep that night. I just held Luke tight, watching over him as he slept soundly and refusing to let go when an unfamiliar nurse came to check on him in the early morning hours.

Thankfully, she let me be after a few moments of arguing and I slumped back down onto the pillow as soon as she was gone, sighing deeply as I felt the weight of Luke’s limp body on my chest.

I kind of wished the male nurse, Jasper Phelps, worked here all the time. I understood that he had to be on break sometime, but during the time I had been here he had shown nothing but respectfulness towards both of us.

I had kind of got the feeling that Ashton liked him too because I’d seen the two talking outside of the room quite a few times.

All of a sudden, I was snapped out of my thoughts when Luke’s lips emitted a quiet whimper which immediately reminded me of the reason we were here.

I sighed again as the weight on my chest grew heavier.

It broke my heart to simply look at Luke’s devastated form – how was I ever going to be able to talk to him again?

There were just too many questions filling my head right now, preventing me from thinking straight for a second. I just couldn’t seem to clear my mind and even when I fell asleep a few minutes later, my dreams were hazy, dark and random, just like the thoughts swirling behind my forehead.

 

________________________________

 

“Michael? Hey, Michael?”

I was confused the second I was woken up by a voice startling me out of my sleep, calling my name repeatedly.

“Michael,” the voice rang out to me again and I groaned, lazily opening my eyes and squinting at the bright lighting awaiting me.

Blinded, I closed my eyes again and moved around a little, freezing when I felt something cold against my skin. I almost choked on my own spit when the wire mercilessly reminded me of my current situation and my unconscious boyfriend next to me.

“Michael are you awake?”

When the voice spoke to me for the third time I was finally able to recognise it – it was Liz. And that simple information was enough to jolt me out of my haze within a second.

Feeling my heartbeat accelerate, I sat up abruptly, not caring about the fact that the sunbeams pouring from the sky and through the window pane hurt my eyes immensely.

I gazed at Luke’s mum for a moment, trying not to blink as I did so.

After a few moments of silence my mouth opened, but the words wouldn’t come out. What was I supposed to say, even? What could I tell her?

“Oh, sorry, you just lost your grandchild because I didn’t look after your son well enough?”

No.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pay enough attention to Luke and did a horrible job being a boyfriend?”

Not really.

“Michael.”

I jumped when Liz said my name, even though she’d done it multiple times just now. However, I couldn’t help but feel aghast at her tone.

She sounded tired and like she had  been crying for a long time, which was something I’d never seen Liz do apart from one time when one of her close friends had died in a car crash. Liz seemed very sad, but there was no hint of anger in her voice.

What had I expected?

To be honest, I had awaited a lecture. Punishment. Her being disappointed. Banning me from ever touching her son again.

None of that had happened yet. None of that seemed likely to occur.

Liz just looked at me with big, blue, tearful eyes, which reminded me of her son’s so much, and for some reason, this seemed worse than any punishment.

Again, I could feel my emotional pain physically; again, I felt a shiver jar upon my spine as my chest was stabbed by phantom knives.

_What had I done?_

This woman did not deserve to lose her grandchild. Her son didn’t deserve to have a miscarriage.

I felt like the whole Hemmings family, which I had once considered my own second family, were cursed with my existence.

If I didn’t exist, none of this would have happened. Luke wouldn’t have fallen pregnant – he probably would still be with Aleisha up until today, living with her happily ever after.

I wondered if Andrew Hemmings wished his son would have stayed with her right now. I wondered if Jack was looking at a photo of his little brother, wishing I had never happened to him.

I wondered if I would ever be able to talk to any of them again.

“Michael, look at me.”

Liz’ insistent voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I hadn’t even noticed my gaze had wandered, but now that she had told me I realised that I was staring at the sheets covering Luke’s body.

Quickly I averted my eyes and went to look at Liz again. She just returned my gaze, her face like stone, frozen, cold.

However, as soon as she spoke I could see the life return to her, even although the glistening of her eyes gave away that she was close to bursting into tears.

“I’m here now,” Liz stated.

How did she manage to give her voice firmness? I didn’t know. It was a miracle to me.

“I-I’m so sorry.”

The words had escaped my mouth before I had realised what I was doing and once I had started, I just couldn’t stop anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Liz, so fucking sorry. I know I should have taken care of him in a better way! I shouldn’t have let him go on his own! I’m so horrible…th-this is all my fault.

“I don’t know how I can ever rectify my mistakes. B-but I r-really can’t take this! Forgive me, please forgive me!”

I was now sitting on my knees, silently pleading in a desperate attempt to ease my own pain. Tears had started streaming down my cheeks again, but I didn’t care at all. At this very moment I simply wanted Liz to show any sign of forgiveness.

However, her next words were, again, nothing I had anticipated in any way.

“Stop, Michael!” she hissed at me, burying her face in her hands. “Please, just stop.”

“B-but…” I stuttered, unable to form a proper sentence.

It hurt so much. The fact that she had just told me to shut up was irrefutable proof that she thought this was my fault, just like I did. However, even though I should have known she wouldn’t forgive me, to know I had completely failed at taking care of her son and she was aware of it tore me in two.

“Just, stop…” she told me again, her words barely above a whisper anymore. “I can’t…”

I hastily jumped off the bed, not caring about the fact that I was simply wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“I’ll go,” I mumbled under my breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Mi- Stop, no, don’t go!”

I froze when Liz called me back, confused at her reaction to my actions. What on earth could she possibly want?

“That’s not what I meant.”

Her next sentence sounded utterly frustrated and I couldn’t help peeking up at her, catching a glance of the devastated look on her face.

“I just-“ she began but interrupted herself, only to start again a few moments later. “I can’t take hearing you say these words, Michael.”

Her statement made me frown as I drew closer, careful to keep a safe distance of a few dozen inches between us. Even though she had just said something completely unexpected, I still felt like something was separating us, a ditch I was yet to overcome.

“I can’t take this,” Liz quietly repeated as she bent over the bed I had just left, finding her son’s head and beginning to comb his hair back.

“His head is so hot,” she dazedly pointed out before shaking her head in order to clear her thoughts. “It’s bullshit, you know? What you just said.”

“Huh?”

I stood there, thunder-struck – partly because I couldn’t process what was happening and partly because I hadn’t expected Liz to swear. However, considering what situation we were in, cursing seemed fairly appropriate.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t quite follow Liz’ words.

“What do you mean?”

“Just look at him, Michael,” Liz sighed. “You and I, we probably know him best. He can be really fragile. He tends to blame himself for things that aren’t his fault. And when you talk like this…

“I just can’t stand it. It reminds me of the fact that Luke is going to blame himself for the miscarriage when he wakes up and that it’ll be the hardest thing to convince him of the opposite.

“Please, just stop. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t his, either. To my knowledge, he was infected with some virus when he was in Australia – while I was with him.

“Am I blaming myself? No!

“Wake up, Michael! This is no one’s fault. Please, don’t blame yourself. Because if you do, you won’t be able to convince Luke it isn’t his fault, either.”

I left before she was finished. At one point, I just couldn’t seem to take it anymore – maybe the truth in her words made it impossible for me to listen.

I knew she was right. I knew her words were true. And believe me, I really tried to make myself believe this wasn’t my fault, but I just couldn’t do it. My mind wouldn’t let me believe it.

And, honestly, I highly doubted it ever would in the future.

 

________________________________

 

Later that very day, in the evening, I was sitting on Luke’s bed again, holding his cold hand as I watched him sleep. Liz had been with him the whole day and I hadn’t dared disturb her, but when Ashton had told me she’d left to grab some dinner I had hesitantly returned to my boyfriend’s room.

Looking at him was still hardly bearable, but I thought he deserved some company. Earlier, I had been in another conference with Dr London and Dr Kahn where they had explained the current situation.

It had been quite hard to pay attention to them and, honestly, I didn’t feel more enlightened about the current circumstances than before our conversation.

The doctors had told me what had caused Luke’s condition and the fact that Daniel was, well, gone. Additionally, I had learned that apparently Luke being slightly underweight had contributed to the miscarriage, which had really confused me.

Even now, I kept thinking about what the doctors had told me. For some reason this new information made me feel weird, like there had been something I’d missed.

I remembered how I had witnessed the fragility of Luke’s body when I had first seen him lying in this hospital bed – back then, it had encouraged me to blame myself even more.

Why hadn’t I noticed him growing thinner? Had I really been that occupied with my own problems?

I didn’t understand, though.

What had caused him to lose weight? Was it the stress? I knew he hadn’t been coping well with the people’s reactions when the news of Arzaylea and him had leaked, but I would never have thought that it could do any physical harm to him.

To be honest, right now this explanation sounded quite plausible. 

I also recalled he had suffered from morning sickness quite a lot, even though it was supposed to lessen after a few weeks – however, it had probably been the stress.

That’s what Dr London had supposed as well.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t quite get rid of the feeling in my gut telling me that all of those reasons only partly applied here.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Luke stirred beside me, immediately attracting my full attention. A small whimper escaped my boyfriend’s lips as he curled into himself and I squeezed his hand tightly.

“It’s okay, b- Lukey, you’re alright.”

The fact that I had almost called my boyfriend ‘baby’ as I used to before the pregnancy had happened cut me to the quick, but I didn’t really care – partly, because my body had grown accustomed to internal pain by now and partly, because I was focused on Luke right now.

He kept shifting restlessly and I had to watch out so that his IV didn’t disconnect.

“Shhh, Lukey,” I kept soothing him in a quiet voice as I brushed his curly hair out of his face. He was warmer than this morning and his constant turning worried me a little, which was why I started to quietly sing to him.

For a few moments it seemed like my plan was working and I even got him to lie still again, but soon he became restless again and kept letting out quiet whines.

Frowning in sympathy, I tried to straighten him out so that he would be in less pain, but gave up when I realised he always curled back in on himself.

“Hey, Luke, you’re fine,” I whispered to him as I brushed a honey-blonde curl out of his forehead.

I had honestly assumed he was fast asleep, so when he shot up from his position all of a sudden, his pain-filled eyes flying open, I was almost startled to death.

I yelped but hurriedly covered my mouth afterwards as I realised that Luke shouldn’t be object to loud noises. The frown on my face became even deeper when I turned back to him, observing his frail body and his pale, sweat-covered face.

He was breathing hard, like he had just ran a few miles, and his eyes were so glossy that I could hardly see the blue of his irises.

“Luke, calm down,” I finally spoke after a few seconds of silence, putting my hand on his back and trying to ease him back down onto the mattress.

However, without any warning, he grabbed my arm and squeezed it tightly, his nails almost tearing my skin open.

Luke opened his mouth and for a moment I was sure he was going to speak, but instead he started coughing violently, his whole body racking as he did so.

“Hey, hey, easy!” I soothed as I patted his back. “You need to take deep breath.”

“I- M-mikey,” he choked out and I jumped at the way he said my name.

Nonetheless, I didn’t back off but scooted closer instead as I pulled him into my arms.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” I whispered as he continued to cough and wheeze.

“N-no, n-no, it hurts s-so much!”

Tears had sprung from Luke’s eyes and the sobs racking through his body only worsened his coughing, which soon became gagging.

I quickly reached behind me to press the red triangle button beside Luke’s bed, knowing he was going to throw up any moment. Then I quickly went back to rubbing his back as I whispered to him, “you’re okay, I promise you’re okay.”

“N-no…M-Mike…Daniel...”

Luke’s desperate cries broke my heart.

“I’m so sorry, I-I can’t stop,” he choked out between gags, his hand pressed against his chest as if he wanted to ease the pain there. “I’m sorry, I never meant to- I…”

Suddenly, he collapsed and I had to hold his body up as he heaved forward. His entire neck was slick with sweat by now and my chest became tight with fear when I noticed the way he was swaying back and forth.

What if he passed out and choked on his vomit?

However, he just kept crying, screaming how sorry he was.

I had never been more relieved to see Dr Kahn when she pushed the door open, scurrying into the room, accompanied by Jasper Phelps and two of his colleagues.

While they yelled things at each other, giving and receiving directions, I just sat there, helpless, holding a shaking Luke to my chest.

“You have to let go, Mr. Clifford!” Dr. Kahn commanded as soon as she reached the bed, but I was too overwhelmed to understand her order, let alone do as told.

They basically had to drag me away from Luke’s shaking frame and push me out of the door where I finally managed to think again, my brain starting to comprehend what was happening.

The last time this had happened I had been hurt. I had felt like the pain was tearing me apart, like I’d never be whole again.

This time, I just felt pathetically helpless. There was nothing I could do but hope for the best, but pray he was going to be okay.

“Will you be alright?” Phelps, who had followed me when I’d exited the room, asked worriedly.

I simply shrugged.

I didn’t know the answer to his question – no one did right now, after all.

I didn’t even know if I would ever know.

However, at the moment that didn’t matter. At the moment, all I could do was walk away. At the moment, all I could do was hope.

 

__________________________________

 

“Michael?”

Never had I ever expected to hear _her_ voice – here, today…

Of course I had been aware that someone was intruding, disturbing the silence that was predominating in the hospital’s cafeteria (that was closed already, by the way) – after all, I had heard their obnoxiously loud steps draw nearer.

However, I hadn’t expected that someone to be _her_.

“Arzaylea.”

Following her example, I said her name, though I made it sound rather like a statement than like I question.

“So, you’re here.”

“Yes, I’m here.”

Truth be told, I had forgotten about her. In-between visits to Luke and hours I’d spent pondering on why we were here, I had forgotten she was here with us.

I had forgotten she had been with Luke on that flight – I had even forgotten that she’d been the one to call me afterwards.

I knew Ashton had spoken to her briefly and Nia and Calum, who had arrived yesterday, had as well – however, I myself had never felt the need to visit her, let alone talk to her.

The mere sound of her voice reminded me of the afternoon she had called, it reminded me of the pain and the tears, of the fright and my loss.

“How is he?”

“Who?”

For a moment I was confused – Arzaylea had only been Luke’s fake girlfriend, hadn’t she – but then I remembered how close they had grown, on tour and before.

“He’s sick.”

“I know. The doctors told me.”

I couldn’t tell what she was feeling at the moment – there was no hint of any emotion in her voice whatsoever.

“Well, then.”

Silence.

Then, “they wouldn’t let me visit him. They said my sight could upset him.”

“My sight does, too,” I bitterly admitted as I sat there, staring into the dark.

Silence – again.

Part of me hoped she would just leave. However, she didn’t. She kept standing somewhere behind me, probably staring at the back of my head with eyes as dull as mine.

Suddenly she spoke up again.

“When we were on that flight… Look- I know you probably don’t wanna talk about it…”

_No, I don’t_ , I thought to myself. _And if you know, why are you bringing it up nevertheless?_

“I think this is something you must know about.”

The urgency in her voice made me peek up. Something was wrong, I just knew it, I knew something I hadn’t been able to see was about to be revealed.

“I’m listening,” I told her.

“I didn’t tell Dr London about this.” Arzaylea sounded incredibly conflicted, but at the moment I was thankful for every additional second of peace and obliviousness I could get.

“The doctors… They told me he is underweight.”

I should have known this was about his weight. I straightened my back, sitting up in my chair as I could feel the life return to my body.

“They told you a lot,” I stated.

“They did. Look, I am not entirely sure I understood what he meant, but… On that flight, when he started having cramps but couldn’t throw up, I noticed how his hand would twitch like he was about…to make himself…vomit.”

Arzaylea swallowed hard, her voice painfully tight. I could tell how hard it was for her to talk about this – but on the other hand, wasn’t it even harder for me to listen?

“And later he…”

She could hardly form the words. However, I needed her to go on, I needed her to tell me what had happened.

“Later, he wouldn’t let me look at his stomach. He was delirious and started crying, saying stuff like ‘they can’t notice, I can’t let them notice’. I think he was talking about the fans and his baby bump.

“And he said, ‘if only I was smaller’, but he told me he was working on it. And, I…I knew something was wrong, so I asked him if he had…made himself lose weight.

“H-he said he h-had.

“But he was so afraid, Mikey, he was so afraid I would leave him. It’s not his fault, please don’t blame him!”

Finally, I turned around to be met with the sight of a crying young woman, whose hair was all tousled and tangled and whose hands were crossed over her stomach in a protective manner.

I recognized that behavior – Luke had done that, too, he had once told me it was an instinct.

It hurt so much to look at Arzaylea.

No matter how selfish it sounded, I didn’t understand.

Why was she, after being left alone and wasting her life away with parties, able to carry a child and Luke and I weren’t?

Why on earth had we been punished when she had lied many more times?

Why had something we didn’t deserve happened to us and not to her?

I turned around again, unable to look at her familiar curves and her tear-stained face for another moment.

At that point, I never wanted to see her ever again.

I knew this wasn’t her fault, and maybe I was being unfair – but on the other hand, after everything she’d told me, Luke and I needed time to heal.

He needed time to learn how to love himself and I needed time to help him.

However, if we were constantly reminded of our loss by Arzaylea’s sight, none of us could heal.

That was why she had to leave – not forever, but for a long time.

Maybe, one day, one of us would have summoned enough strength to go and see her.

But for now it was goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, award for worst updater goes to..........me. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 14 DAYS, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY!
> 
> i rlly didn't think so much time had passed, but it did and now we're here. i'm p busy w exams atm (had 2 that will count towards my A-levels already, one went amazing and one went, well, shit) so i don't get to write much. i'm also focusing on drawing, but that doesn't affect this story anyway bc it's all pre-written anyway, i just need to finish beta-ing it.
> 
> anyway, next to come apart from new chapters on here will (hopefully) be my bungou stray dogs x bts au (ft. got7 and block b) which i srsly have so many ideas for yet can't find the time to write them down.
> 
> also, i keep thinking about how there is another big secret to be revealed in cursed with a blessing. you may have caught on a little bit if you have read very carefully, but it's not very obvious *cracks devillish grin*. it isn't THAT important to the main plot but i've acc wanted to put it in since the v beginning. so, stay tuned!


	35. Chapter 35

_**Arzaylea** _

 

„Uhm…Ashton, hey?“

„Huh?“

„Can you toss me my phone charger? That one on the nighstand.”

“Sure!”

I stretched out my hand, closing my fist just when the plastic charger hit my palm.

“Thanks,” I yelled at Ashton before I bent down again and continued looking through my suitcase.

Honestly, I hadn’t done a good job at packing and my clothes were just a mess – however, when Ashton and I had started packing, that mess had been laying on the dirty floor of my hospital room and thus this was an improvement.

“Hah, got it!” I shouted triumphantly when I finally found my phone, which was the reason I had been rummaging through my stuff in the first place.

I sank down onto the bed with a huff.

“I’m good to go I guess.”

Today was the day I had to leave the hospital – firstly, because the doctors thought I was good to leave since I had mostly recovered from my shock, and secondly, because I had gotten the impression that the only persons I was still here for, Luke and Michael, weren’t too keen on having me around.

To be honest, I could perfectly understand. Yesterday evening, I had spoken to Michael and even though he had barely looked at me for five seconds, I had been able to witness the pain on his face when he’d looked me in the eye.

I probably reminded him of everything, of the fact that he had almost lost his boyfriend, of the fact that he had indeed lost his child.

A lump formed in my throat when I thought of losing my own baby – I had grown so used to the feeling of knowing someone was there that I couldn’t really imagine existing without it.

How painful did it have to be for Luke and Michael to look at sonograms of their son, knowing he was gone forever?

The mere thought of it made my chest contract.

“So, you ready to leave?”

Ashton’s voice, luckily, snapped me out of my dark thoughts. I nodded silently as I got up and stepped towards the door, taking my suitcase with me while the curly-haired boy was following my lead.

I remembered he had been with me from the moment he’d gotten here. Back when we were on tour, he and I had never gotten along well, but for some reason he seemed to be the only one who hadn’t forgotten about my presence.

The past few days had been hard and I didn’t know how I could have gotten through them without Ashton.

When I had arrived at the hospital, I had been a wreck. In fact, I had been so anxious that the doctors had put me in a separate room and supervised me to make sure my baby was alright.

It had taken a while until I had been able to think straight again, after the events on the flight, but the first hours after I had arrived in LA had certainly been the worst.

I vividly remembered lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, imagining the most terrible scenarios, the most horrific things happening to Luke. Even now, the constricting feeling wouldn’t leave my chest, although I knew Luke was alright, at least physically.

But back then, I hadn’t been able to cope well with the anxiety and the pain. Sometimes, the knowledge of Luke’s _habit_ had seemed like a weight that was crushing me – a weight I had finally been able to shake off yesterday night when I’d told Michael about it.

I felt bad for giving him even more things to worry about, though. He and Luke both were such sincere humans – how on earth did something like this happen to them?

It was a question I had been asking myself a lot these past days – but neither I nor Ashton had known what its answer was.

 

__________________________________

 

When we left the hospital with my suitcase, a cab was already waiting for us outside. I assumed Ashton had ordered it and gave him a thankful look as I got into the car, careful not to bump my stomach.

On the ride back to the apartment where I used to live with Luke, Michael and Crystal, I continued to relive the past few days. It was emotionally tiring, honestly, but I felt the need to remember what had happened.

After all, everything was about to change – everything had already changed the moment Luke had lost his son.

Ashton had been the first person I “knew” to come and talk to me after I’d arrived at the hospital. He had come and he had sat with me and I had explained what had happened – the entire story.

After that, I’d felt a little bit better and even though he was more worried than ever before, Ashton had seemed happy about having someone he could share his fear with (discounting Michael, who had been absolutely done with the world).

I hadn’t expected Ashton to come back the next day, but he had and again we had sat there and talked for hours.

This new situation seemed to have reset Ashton’s attitude towards me – it almost seemed like it had given us the opportunity to start again.

He had come to the hospital a lot and had spent at least one third of his time with me, which I was very grateful for. Now that I couldn’t count on Michael and Luke anymore, I was truly on my own and it was nice to know Ashton didn’t dislike me anymore at least.

Nonetheless, I was a bit confused as to why he was now helping me to move my stuff out of Luke’s and Michael’s apartment, but I had figured he just wanted his best friends to heal as well as possible – and they couldn’t do that and forget their pain when I was still around, reminding them of it.

“So, Crystal’s living with you, too?” Ashton asked when we stood in front of the front door of the flat, having arrived at the building about 5 minutes ago.

Carrying my suitcase up the stairs had taken quite a while and once again I was grateful to be helped by Ashton.

“She is, but she’s still in Tulsa, I guess,” I answered. “I mean, it’s only been a few days since tour got cancelled and without Michael paying for her flight and shit, she’ll be on her own.”

“Should I arrange a flight back?” Ashton asked, raising his eyebrow as he watched me unlock the door.

I shook my head at his question.

“Nah, it’s alright. I think it’ll be better if she doesn’t return. She makes Luke feel insecure, you know?”

At the mention of his best friend, Ashton’s expression went grim and he pursed his lips as if he was biting back a sassy comment.

However, that didn’t last very long since we were distracted the second we stepped into the flat.

“Wow, that’s…messy!” Ashton pointed out and kicked a flannel, which was strangely lying on the floor, aside.

“It’s very Michael,” I half-smiled, remembering how the blonde guitarist would complain and whine until Luke did all the cleaning. “He’s completely lost without Luke.”

Ash nodded as he picked up a small ball, which probably belonged to Crystal’s miniature dog. “Those two really need each other, don’t they?”

“They do,” I confirmed. “The most important thing is that they do this together. It should be everyone’s first priority to make sure they’re not separated by anything or anyone.”

Suddenly, I remembered I wouldn’t be able to watch out for Luke and Michael anymore – I needed to leave them for their sakes.

They had just lost their child – it’d take a long time for their souls to heal.

And the fact that I was pregnant, too, and that my baby was there still made it impossible for me to stay. In the end, the sight of my growing baby bump and the thought of me would just disrupt Luke and Michael’s recovery.

I knew Michael had thought the same thing when I’d talked to him yesterday. Of course he’d never tell me to pack my things and leave, as I hadn’t made any mistake after all, but I knew he secretly wished I was gone.

When I had told Ashton I planned on leaving, he had agreed with me. He had done it in a very subtle, polite way, but we both knew that only more chaos would arise if I stayed.

 

_________________________________

 

Ashton and I spent all afternoon putting my things into huge boxes. I wanted to be done as soon as possible, since I had no idea when Crystal would return and I had no intention to meet her whatsoever.

During the process of tidying up and collecting my belongings, Ashton made sure I didn’t overwork myself.

“I don’t want another parent to be left by their child,” he told me and I gratefully let him do most of the physical work.

Nonetheless, I was pretty exhausted when I was finally done packing after 4 hours of running around, and couldn’t help slumping down on my bed, which was pretty much the only thing I’d leave here.

“Wow, I’m done,” I sighed as Ashton collapsed onto the sheets as well.

“Where are you gonna go now?” he asked after a few moments of silence, which I’d used to catch my breath.

“I’m gonna live with Melissa for a while,” I explained. “You know, the stylist trainee? She was on tour, too. I befriended her on SLFL Europe and she agreed to let me stay with her till I’ve found a new place to live. I can’t rely on that other flat Luke rented anymore, can I?”

Ashton nodded thoughtfully.

“Is Melissa gonna help you move your stuff? It’s quite a lot and some boxes are pretty heavy.”

“Melissa’s not gonna help – she’s pregnant as well. But her fiancé Ryan is coming to pick me up tomorrow morning.”

“Poor Luke,” Ashton sighed after a while. “Everyone around him seems to be pregnant. It must be incredibly hard for him.”

“I doubt he’s mourning right now,” I answered, biting my lip as I thought of the last time I’d seen Luke – the moment before he’d been taken away, his body jerking in pain and his skin slick with sweat.

“He’s still sick,” I added. “But once he’s, physically, well again he’ll shatter.”

“I know.” Ashton shook his head, sadness evident in his voice. “I talked to Liz. Everyone’s scared he’s gonna blame himself, like Michael does already. I just hope there’ll be a day when they can look back without feeling like they did something wrong – when they can look at you without any pain.”

My throat grew narrow at his words and I had to blink harshly a few times to drive away the tears in my eyes.

“I doubt that day will ever come. My life isn’t easy at all, you know. I wasted a lot of time, and it’s gonna be very challenging to have a baby.

“But… I still wouldn’t want to change anything. I know it’ll be hard, but knowing there’s someone inside of me… It makes me happy. More than that.

“Once you’ve tasted the feeling, you never wanna let it go anymore. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose…”

At that point, I had to stop because my voice was breaking.

I’d never really thought about what I’d just said, but now that I’d explained it to Ashton, I knew my words were the truth.

My life was undoubtedly going to be hard. It was going to be challenging. But I was content nonetheless.

I wouldn’t want to give up my baby – not even for a million dollars. And honestly, I didn’t know what I’d do if I ever was to lose my child.

“What do you think will happen once Luke’s released from the hospital?” Ashton changed the topic, as if he knew how sad the previous one had made me.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I doubt you’re gonna finish the tour soon. Luke and Michael need time to recover. Well, at least they won’t have to lie anymore.

“They’ll have to tell Modest now – and the fans will follow shortly after.”

Ashton scoffed.

“I just hope those bastards have grown up by now. We fucking have 2016, I’ll seriously punch them if any of them tells me homosexuality is a sin.”

I slowly nodded.

Then I remembered something.

“Um, Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you help me? Like, you didn’t like me before all of this happened. Why are you staying with me now?”

“Well.” Ashton’s mouth, which had been a straight line before, formed a small smile as he answered, “let’s just say things aren’t all bad for me.

“I’ve grown as a person. I’m happier. I can accept the fact that you only wanna help Luke. Oh, and I’ve finally been able to get over someo- something I can’t alter. And that truly changed me.”

We sat there and talked for a little while, until he asked me what time it was.

“It’s 08:30 pm, already past dinner time,” I answered and frowned when I saw I had received another message from my old _friend_ Pat. She’d been calling and texting me a lot lately, but I’d never felt like answering.

She didn’t matter to me.

Maybe, if she kept calling, I’d meet up with her or ask what she wanted at least.

But I wouldn’t deal with her right now. Not today.

Maybe in a few weeks, maybe not.

But right now, my first priority was to get my life sorted out.

 

________________________________

 

I ended up meeting up with Pat anyway, two weeks after I’d moved out of Luke and Michael’s flat. As far as I knew, Luke had been released from the hospital by now, but I hadn’t heard anything from them apart from the things Ash had told me.

In the meantime, I had started to make plans. Melissa and Ryan were really nice, but I knew I’d have to move out sooner or later. I’d figured the easiest thing would be to ask my mum, even though I hated the idea of living with her again.

However, I couldn’t keep relying on my friends and therefore I’d have to deal with my only option, which was moving back in with my mum and my siblings.

At least I could say I had a job right now, since I was working at a bar downtown, and next year I’d start make-up-school again.

In short: Things didn’t look too bad.

However, a time came when I didn’t have anything to do. And hence I finally agreed to meet up with Pat in a café, where she’d apparently tell me ‘something I should know’.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting more than a few meaningless rumors when I turned up at the café, and at first it didn’t seem like more.

Pat and I spent about an hour with polite small talk, which, considering we didn’t really like each other, went pretty well.

After a while, she started asking about Luke, though. I tried to change the topic, since I didn’t know if I should keep pretending to be his girlfriend or if our agreement was off.

After all, it was safe to say Luke and I wouldn’t have to pretend much longer, not after the tour had been cancelled and everything. But nonetheless, I figured it’d be better to keep my mouth shut until I’d talked to him or Michael.

“Why do you even keep asking?” I asked Pat after she’d mentioned Luke for the hundredth time, slightly annoyed. “Why does he bother you?”

“I just-“

“You never cared about him before,” I disrupted her harshly. “You never cared about me, either. Why are we here, Pat? What’s the point? Y’all made it very clear that you don’t want me to stick around anymore – I’m the pregnant one, remember?

“Not good enough to hang out with you anymore.”

I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, Pat, it seems like you’re wasting my time – and I’ve got better stuff to do than be here.”

“Wait Arz!”

I was already about to get up from my chair when Pat suddenly grabbed my arm, holding me back.

“There’s something I gotta say, I just don’t know how to. I know we’ve never been best friends, but I’m not a bad person and I still feel like I gotta tell you ‘bout this.”

She sighed deeply, as if she was searching for the right words.

“Crystal and I have been texting recently. You know her, right?”

“Of course I do, I live with her.” I rolled my eyes with an annoyed huff.

“Right. Well, she said some stuff about your boyfriend, about Luke. I mean, he’s a guy and should be able to deal with that, but I know a lot has been going on with him lately and…”

“What?!”

“She said something about him and his bandmate – Michael. Crystal has a huge crush on him, but suddenly she seemed to think he was gay and with Luke. Well, she said that Luke was no competition at all, since he’s ‘unfit and just fat’ and apparently Crystal is-“

“What?”

I couldn’t believe what Patricia had just told me. How could Crystal ever disrespect Luke like this? She knew how soft he could be at times – why would she take advantage of it like this?

“She said he was fat and no competition,” Pat explained, but I wasn’t listening anymore.

Another much darker thought had formed in my brain, lingering behind my forehead and torturing me.

What if Luke had heard Crystal at some point? What if he had believed her? What if that was why he’d purged?

And most importantly – what would happen now that they were together again? What had already happened?

“I’m sorry, I gotta go,” I choked out, already grabbing my bag and leaving some money on the table. “Please, take this and pay for my drink. I really appreciate your honesty.”

“What are you gonna do now?” Pat, who seemed entirely confused by my behavior, asked with a frown. “Is it true what she told me? Did Luke cheat on you with Michael? Are you alr-”

“I’m fine, Pat, thanks,” I cut her off for the third and last time today. “You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, I’m grateful you told me about this.”

“But what are you gonna do?”

Despite me the pain I knew my next action would cause, I smirked slightly, feeling like I could finally provide some justice.

“I’m gonna make sure Crystal pays for summoning Luke’s demons.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't rlly have a lot to say [well my bts fic hit 100 kudos and i'm rlly thankful for that, but that doesn't rlly belong here]. thanks for your continuous support, though, it rlly helps!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for some ultra depressed luke. his pov / thoughts may seem a bit confusing and not understandable rn, but i promise it will all be cleared up in the end.

_**Luke** _

 

„Please, Luke, only a few spoonful…“

My mum looked at me with big, blue eyes as she tried to place the spoon in her hand in the bowl of soup which was sitting in my lap.

“The doctor said you need to eat or else you’ll have to be fed by tube. We really need you to become strong again, sweetheart.”

However, despite my mum’s pleading, I shook my head, stubbornly squeezing my lips together. My mouth had probably become a thin line by now, but I couldn’t care less.

“Luke, please! You’re worrying all of us.”

My mother’s voice seemed soft, but even now I could clearly hear the hint of disappointment I had to face so often these days.

Even though people tried to hide it, it was everywhere. It was on my brothers’ faces whenever I skyped with them, it was lingering in my mum’s voice – it was hidden behind Michael’s eyes whenever he looked at me, which didn’t happen too often anymore.

I couldn’t blame them for feeling this way, though.

Hadn’t I let everyone down? Hadn’t I disappointed myself the most?

I sighed as I looked at the bowl of soup on my lap. Its mere sight made the few spoonful I’d eaten already slosh uncomfortably inside my stomach and suddenly, my throat felt like it was closing up.

“I’m sorry, mum, I can’t do it. I feel sick.”

My voice was barely above a whisper, yet my mum seemed to have understood my words perfectly. She had probably got used to the fact that everyone had to listen closely if they wanted to hear my talk.

“But it’s been two weeks since you were discharged, baby,” my mum sighed as she ran her fingers down my cheek. “The doctors said you shouldn’t feel sick anymore. You’re probably just hungry.”

“I’m not.”

My tone of my voice expressed no emotion – no sadness, no pain I was in, no stirring whatsoever.

It simply hinted at the only thing I was feeling right now, the great void inside of me.

“I’ll come back later to look at you, Luke,” my mum told me.

Finally, she seemed to have given up on trying to feed me – she had probably realized how pointless her attempts were. I wouldn’t eat. I didn’t want to eat. I couldn’t eat.

My mother had already got up from the edge of my bed and turned to take the practically full bowl of soup to the kitchen when I called her. As soon as she heard my voice, she spun around, the same slightly hopeful look on her face as every time I deliberately spoke to her.

“How’s Michael?”

It was the same question as always, but her face didn’t drop nonetheless. I really admired my mother for having this much control over herself. Personally, I would have broken by now, I would have freaked out and screamed at the person lying on that bed, who was supposed to be my son.

_Except, I didn’t have a son anymore._

Again, my own thoughts made me become painfully aware of the total emptiness of my ribcage and I turned away, not wanting to look at my mum anymore.

“He’s with his therapist right now,” she told me gently. “He’ll be back in an hour. Well, the last time I saw him he was…depressed.”

Of course he was. How could it be any different?

He had to suffer because I had failed, because I hadn’t been capable of keeping my child and dealing with the way my body looked. I had made him fall into depression again, and if I wasn’t so void of everything, I would feel guilty with every breath I took.

However, that wasn’t how things were and sometimes I even felt a little grateful. Only god knows what I would have done if I’d had to deal with all the pain, the guilt and the disappointment at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” I quietly mumbled, the words neither being directed at my mum nor at myself. I just spoke them for their own sake.

“You don’t have to be sorry, baby,” my mum said, as always. “None of this is your fault.”

And as she left the only thing I could think was, ‘yes, it is. This is my fault.’

 

__________________________________

 

After my mum had finally left, I tried to sleep for a bit – sleep seemed to be the only sensible thing to do these days – but a nagging ache behind my forehead was keeping me awake.

I had been getting a lot of headaches lately, even after I’d been labelled ‘healthy’ by the doctors.

However, the pain was somewhat relieving. It was pretty much the only thing I could truly feel, and at some days it seemed like the only thing keeping me sane.

Also, I believed I deserved to be in pain.

I had killed my son because I’d been so disgustingly superficial, too blinded by aesthetic values to accept that I’d never be the way I wanted to be. Even now I couldn’t accept it.

At night I would lie awake, wishing I was small enough to fit in Michael’s arms, which were open beside me, as always. Though, I probably didn’t have the right to wish I could cuddle with him again like in the old days, since he’d never be able to love me again.

How could he?

I had purposefully destroyed his child, his son, who I had been carrying for him. Well, I hadn’t wanted to kill Daniel – I loved him, after all – but that didn’t matter anymore, did it?  
My choices had caused my body to reject a tiny, helpless baby and there was no way Michael would ever forgive me – hell, I couldn’t forgive myself.

The worst thing was that I knew I had no right to lie beside him anymore. I had no right to call him my mine, not after I’d rejected his son.

I had no right to crave his familiar warmth and the feeling of his warm arms around me, but that was all I did nowadays.

However, it was just another point I could add to the endless list of reasons why I was a simple failure.

After a while of staring at the ceiling and feeling nothing but the black abyss inside me, I actually nodded off, but was soon awoken by someone entering my room, penetrating into the giant bubble of misery I had built around myself.

It was Ashton.

“Hey, Luke, you awake?”

He kept his voice down as if we were still in the hospital, trying to avoid disturbing other patients.

I opened my eyes and looked at him yet never said a word. Even though I had just dozed, thinking had made me incredibly tired.

After all, tired was the perfect word to describe my current state of mind, I realised. I was tired of sulking, tired of being incomplete, tired of my brain reminding me of how much of a failure I was.

“How are you?” Ashton asked as he drew nearer and finally sat down on the bed, but never waited for me to answer.

Just like my mother, he must have got used to my stillness by now.

“I just came home from shopping,” he told me with a grin, “with Calum. It’s been a while since we last hung out together, but Nia went to get her hair done today, so he had time.”

My eyebrow involuntarily twitched at the mention of Nia, who was now officially Calum’s girlfriend. Every time when Ashton had visited, he had told me that he hated his best friend’s behaviour and Nia was stealing Calum, but the length of his rants had gradually decreased until they weren’t longer than a few short sentences.

“She’s probably moving in with us,” Ashton went on with his speech. “Calum mentioned she doesn’t exactly have a place to stay at and he probably thinks it would be nice to have her around more often.”

He chuckled a little before looking at his hands, which were resting on his lips, fingers folded.

“You know what’s funny? I’m not even mad anymore. I’m even gonna say ‘yes’ when he asks me, I think.

“I mean, I love being flatmates with him. I love living with him because our apartment is just as cool as yours, and it’s really nice to have someone who wants to play video games with me and stuff.

“But on the other hand, I kinda moved on. It’s not like I wanna move out, but I don’t mind letting Nia live with us. It’s pretty funny, considering how I used to hate her for seducing Calum.”

At this point he stopped for a moment and gazed at the wall, his expression thoughtful, as if he was pondering on something deeply. Then he shook his head slightly as he chuckled again.

“I used to be so jealous of her. When she was with him on tour, I wanted to kill her for stealing him all the time. I even invited Bryana to join us, just so he could learn what it feels like to be abandoned by your…best friend.

“But now I don’t really care anymore. I realised there are people I can spend time with when Cal’s not around – hell, you’re one of them. You know what? Screw Calum!

“He’s great, but nothing more. He’s my best friend and always will be. It’s just that we can’t spend every minute with each other anymore because now we’re both taken and that means we’re gonna spend time with other people, too.”

If I hadn’t been in the terrible condition I currently was in, I would probably have noticed the little hint Ashton had put into the last sentence. However, my mind was dazed and I was too occupied with my own thoughts to ask why he was taken so suddenly.

“By the way, I brought you some anime,” Ash told me after a few moments of silence. “Watching that is less boring than staring at the wall all day.”

“Thanks.”

My voice sounded hoarse, since I wasn’t used to speaking anymore, but after all I’d already done, I at least wanted to keep my good manners.

“No problem – oh, before I give it to you, I have one condition, though.”

I tilted my head upwards until I was directly staring him, shuddering at his firm gaze. It had been way too long since I’d looked into someone’s eyes like that, more specifically into ones that weren’t hazel-coloured but green and used to hold all the fondness in the world.

However, I just couldn’t bring myself to look Michael in the eye anymore.

“You have to lend it to me when you’re done watching it,” Ashton finished his statement with a cheeky grin and a chuckle.

Honestly, I couldn’t understand how he still managed to keep on his smile when depression was radiating from me like body warmth and filling the room with metaphorical, unbearably heavy fog.

He probably wanted to cheer me up by smiling and treating me like I was normal, like _this_ was normal – and truth be told, it did give me a piece of my life before I’d gone to Australia back, but in the end I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge Ashton’s attempt in the slightest, let alone smile back.

It had to be ultimately dissatisfying for him to see how futile his attempts were.

“I’m gonna head out now,” Ashton told me after another period of silence. “But I think Liz mentioned Michael would be home soon, so you won’t be all on your own.

“By the way, Calum asked if he could come visit you sometime. I know you two haven’t seen each other in a while, but maybe it’d be nice for you to talk to someone beside your mother, Michael and I.”

_I don’t talk to Michael_ , I thought bitterly as I averted my gaze from Ashton’s eyes. _I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. I shouldn’t either, though._

“You can tell him he can come visit me whenever he wants.”

My words were nothing like my thoughts, but the monotone, emotionless tone of my voice perfectly displayed what was going on in my head right now. I could tell Ashton had noticed it too as I heard him emit a small sigh, only to give me another smile afterwards.

“Well, I’ll make sure to tell him. Have fun with that anime.”

I didn’t say goodbye. In my opinion, I had done enough talking for one day – honestly, I had said more than I usually intended to.

Luckily, the end of this day was approaching fast and the only company I’d be in tonight was Michael’s, which meant my vocal chords would get to relax some more.

As I lay on my bed, half-heartedly contemplating whether I should watch the anime Ash had brought, my thoughts drifted off again as I noticed the way Michael’s pillow was still lying all-crooked beside mine.

Since I had been in bed all day, my mum hadn’t made it and I was confused if Michael would mind.

However, then I remembered he wouldn’t have to endure it much longer – I could probably use my fingers count the days until he stopped sleeping with me. He would lose patience, surely, if he hadn’t already.

Also, what I’d caused was just unforgiveable and he really was better off alone.

Nonetheless, my egoistic heart still clenched at the thought of having to let him go. I had been with him for more than four years.

We’d been through thick and thin, we’d cared for each other like no one else.

However, everything good was to come to an end and it seemed that we had reached the point already.

Maybe, if I had tried to be a better person, it would have worked longer. Maybe.

But I knew there was no way I could change things now, so I just tried to accept the circumstances the way they were.

 

_________________________________

 

With these depressing thoughts gathering up behind my forehead, I fell asleep, not even having reached out to get the anime. I only woke up again when my mum came back and urged me to eat some more soup.

Of course I mostly refused and let her fussing and the disappointed glances she kept casting wash over me like a wave of salty water, burning my wounds yet cleaning them.

My mum left after half an hour, as always, and I decided to watch two episodes of the show Ashton had given to me – it was better than having to watch the ceiling like I had done earlier.

When I was done watching and had brushed my teeth, I just lay in my bed, waiting for Michael to return.

It took him long to join me today.

Normally, he would turn up at around 11:00 pm, but this time I had to wait until after midnight. At one point, I started wondering if what I had anticipated had already begun.

What if Michael quit sleeping in a bed with me tonight?

And as much as I should want him to move on, deep inside I just hoped he would come just for a few more nights.

_He can’t be gone yet_ , the egoistic part of my brain thought. _I need him just for a few more days. Please, don’t let him be gone._

He did come to join me that night, but it was very late and it was different. He was different – or at least I thought he was, judging simply by his sight.

Without a word, he started stripping to his boxers before putting on his pajama pants, which was also unusual. Normally, he’d at least say ‘hello’ to me, but today he didn’t speak up once.

I frowned a little at my own thoughts. It had been so long since I’d pondered on such normal things, like the way Michael was behaving. Of course, I observed him and couldn’t help analysing his behaviour, but it was just to remind myself of the fact that he probably blamed me for all of this – legitimately.

When Michael joined me in bed, I turned over so that I was facing away from him, hoping that not seeing my face would make this easier for him. It had to be painful for him to simply look at me, considering I’d caused so much trouble and misery, but since I couldn’t do anything else right, I at least wanted to make it easier for him.

Even if I was encouraging him to let go sooner – he deserved to break free, and I deserved to be left.

I closed my eyes as I listened to Michael’s calm serene breathing beside me. It reminded me of the old days, days that weren’t gone too long – back then we used to sleep cuddled into each other, limbs tangled together and skin brushing against skin.

I didn’t even remember when I’d last touched Michael or let him touch me. When I had been at the hospital, he’d tried to approach me a few times, but I had never let him come close.

He wasn’t supposed to care for me, wasn’t allowed to comfort me in any way. I needed to be punished and he needed to get rid of his great burden – me.

Therefore, I’d never let him draw close, even if it meant having to see the painfully hurt look on his face whenever I told him to go. And truth be told, knowing I was still continuing to hurt him was killing me, but I kept telling myself it was for his own best.

I wanted Michael to be happy.

He couldn’t be happy with me.

I’d killed his son.

“Luke?”

His voice almost startled me to death. I hadn’t expected him to talk to me, especially not in this tone. He sounded utterly hopeless, like he always did when his depression took a toll on him. However, there was a new hint to his voice now, an emotion I couldn’t decipher.

Michael seemed to have noticed my slight jump because I could hear him sigh behind me, his lips emitting small puffs of air as if he was trying to put something off by exhaling really slowly.

Then he spoke again.

“It’s been two weeks, Luke.”

_I know,_ I thought. _Mum reminded me of it._ _Sorry I’m not moving on._

“It feels like it’s been much longer, though, honestly.”

What was he trying to say? He probably wanted to tell me he’d leave. That he was sorry, but we had to break up for our own good.

Michael was the sweetest person I knew; he’d never tell me he blamed me straight-forwardly. Nonetheless, my heart clenched at the thought of what he was going to say, no matter how easy he was trying to make this, and so did my fingers as they curled into a fist, squeezing until my skin almost ripped apart.

“I…I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now.”

The way he cut his speech down to short fragments and sentences irritated me to no end, so that it almost made me forget about the tears brimming in my eyes as I thought about Michael’s words.

Why was he sorry?

Wasn’t this my own fault?

Wasn’t he going through the same thing because of me?

He shouldn’t be apologising.

“Your sight hurts me every time I see you,” Michael continued and his words made it incredibly hard for me to keep suppressing a whimper.

Of course, I was hurting him. All I had ever aspired to be was a good boyfriend, a beautiful boyfriend, a boyfriend he could be truly proud of – but all I had achieved was the fact that I had torn a hole into his heart that wasn’t to be filled again.

And maybe, the same hole was in my heart, too, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t matter.

“I- We all… Your mum already knew this was going to happen – we all knew, I guess.”

I hated how Michael’s words were so vague. This way I could never be sure of what I was about to hear next, hell, I could never be sure what he was even talking about. He was probably just trying to approach the dreaded topic – our relationship, our future – carefully, but I just wanted him to spit it out.

I didn’t need his pity – I didn’t deserve it.

“Fuck, why is this so hard?” Michael sighed and shifted a bit, making it sound like he was trying to think of the right words. “I know you’re blaming yourself, L-Luke – don’t try to convince me otherwise.

“I’ve heard you talk in your sleep, I’ve heard you scream back at the hospital. I’ve seen the way your eyes have changed – they’re dull, you know. They used to be beautiful and vivid and blue, but now they’re just dull.”

I just wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell him to stop. Without even realising, he had started to list things I hated about myself, as if he was trying to remind me of the fact that my eyes weren’t beautiful anymore, that I’d never be beautiful again.

I was so sorry. Sorry I couldn’t move on. Sorry I’d hurt him. Sorry I’d hurt our baby. Sorry I wasn’t perfect.

“Shit, I gotta get to the point.”

It was as if Michael had read my mind, as if he knew how sorry I was. As if he wanted to set me free and take this burden, my own thoughts, off my shoulders by talking again.

“The thing is: I don’t want you to blame yourself. This is not your fault, Luke. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault.”

I couldn’t have been more surprised at his words because they made absolutely no sense.

All the time I’d anticipated a break up, I had thought he was going to leave me tonight. But instead he came and told me I shouldn’t blame myself – the person I’d hurt the most had just told me this wasn’t my fault.

What he said was unbelievable, ridiculous even.

Of course, I was to blame for this misery.

However, something about the way he kept repeating the phrase, “it’s not your fault,” over and over again made me re-think. It made me ponder on something I’d taken as a given.

Was this my fault?

I hadn’t wanted to kill Daniel, right?

I hadn’t known it would harm him?  
I had just wanted to be beautiful – for myself, but also for Michael, for everyone.

Strangely, his words made me want to believe him.

I lay there, curled up and fisting the bed sheet, every muscle tense, astonished at my own thoughts. Why was there hope, suddenly? Why was Michael starting to convince me?

I’d been so sure I was guilty, so why was I overthinking it now?

_I’m gonna believe him_ , I thought. _I’m gonna listen to him and if there’s no doubt, I’m gonna believe him._

Thus I lay there, listening to Michael repeating his mantra over and over. He had almost convinced me when suddenly, his words changed and he added something else, something that sounded different.

Something that made all of my newfound hope crumble.

“No one is to blame.”

I could hear the doubt in his voice. I could hear the hesitance. I knew he was lying.

_But why would he lie to me?_

Right, because I deserved it. Because he was a nice person and wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurt, but deep down he knew I was to blame indeed.

At that moment, I was more than grateful I didn’t feel anything. Otherwise, I didn’t know how I would have endured this, if I would even have survived.

Being hopeless was draining, but feeling your hopes rise only to have them crash down again was hardly bearable. If I was able to feel, I would be burning, I would be trying to peel my own skin off my face just to feel some relief.

However, I was empty as ever – I had even run out of tears, it seemed.

And that was why I could say, calmly and firmly, what I needed to say.

“You’re wrong, Michael. This is my fault. And deep down, you know it’s true, no matter what you are saying – the doubt in your voice gave it away.”

Afterwards, I wished he would have left me that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY BUT THIS FIC HIT 100 KUDOS THIS WEEK AND I FEEL SO BLESSED THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!
> 
> [also i'm in exo hell someone save me pls]


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're nearing the end ppl (also this features an interesting...twist)

_**Michael** _

 

Disaster. What a _perfect_ word. A perfect word to describe my life right now.

I looked up from the notebook resting on my lap, bitterly shaking my head at my own thoughts. When had they started to sound so utterly pathetic?

With a deep sigh, I turned to the notebook again, looking at its almost fully white pages, the only words written across them being a few lines that had just come to my mind, including the infamous word – disaster.

However, what rhymed with disaster?

I tried to think of a good way to end the paragraph I had started, but my mind was blanker than ever. Frustrated, I slammed the notebook shut eventually, realizing I wouldn’t get anything done.

“You don’t have to do this, you know?” Ashton’s voice rang out to me from across the room, making me look up to be met with the sight of him sitting on the floor criss-cross-style, a pen in hand.

“You’re emotionally drained, you don’t have to _work_ right now!” the drummer added, emphasizing the word ‘work’.

I just groaned.

“Writing down pointless lyrics is better than thinking.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ashton looked at me, his eyes so full of pity that it almost made me feel sick.

“Stop apologizing,” I grumbled as I set down the notebook. “None of this is your fault.”

_But it’s yours_ , the little demon in my ear immediately made sure to remind me. _Your fault, Michael!_

I vigorously shook my head in order to get rid of the imaginary creature that had been pestering me recently – I honestly didn’t need a reminder that I had fucked up.

The mere thought of Luke was enough.

“Will you tell me what happened now?” Ashton asked tentatively.

I could sense the doubt in his voice, aware that he was trying to approach me carefully while respecting my wishes at the same time.

Too bad – I didn’t want to talk.

Talking made me think and if I thought too much, the depression would come back with a vengeance.

“No,” I simply answered.

“But it’s been three days, Michael. Three days since you’ve started acting like this. Three days since Luke spoke his last words – you’re being just as quiet as him, but with you it’s worse, because you could talk.”

“No, I can’t,” I insisted, but I could already feel myself faltering.

At the mention of Luke, something inside of me changed, as it always did. He really hadn’t spoken since I had tried, and failed, to convince him this wasn’t his fault. It really looked like I’d made it all worse when I’d talked to him, even though I had just wanted to help.

I just couldn’t stand seeing him like this – depressed, empty, more dead than alive.

I shouldn’t have let it come that far.

The sudden feeling of Ashton’s hand touching my shoulder almost startled me to death, since I hadn’t seen it coming. I backed off immediately in an old manner, trying to forgot how his skin had felt on mine – I didn’t want to touch anyone, not until hadn’t gotten Luke.

“Fine, I’ll talk,” I muttered nonetheless, as I figured going against Ashton would be pointless.

Maybe talking would help, too – it certainly had three days ago when I’d chatted with Liz and I still remembered the hardly noticeable warm glow of new hope I had felt inside my chest, only to have it be completely destroyed later.

Why hadn’t I been able to change Luke’s mind? Why couldn’t he just see this wasn’t his fault? Why had he said my voice had given something away – what would it have given away, anyways?

I truly believed this wasn’t his fault, didn’t I? If someone was to blame for our misery – Daniel being gone, our depression, the cancelled tour – it was me.

I should have taken care of Luke. I should have noticed he wasn’t happy with his fate. I should have done something to prevent this – for his sake, for Daniel’s, and even for the fan’s sake.

“Well, what happened, then?” Ashton interrupted my thoughts harshly. “Why is everything so different since two days ago? I mean, more different than it already is.”

“You know I went to see my therapist that day,” I slowly started, trying to remember every single detail from that afternoon just to avoid thinking about the following hours.

“He said the usual stuff and I, as usual, didn’t listen to him, but then he told me I should talk to Luke. He said it’s likely he’s depressed to because he’s taking all the blame, and I…I couldn’t take it if he was like…I am.

“If he was this- this _void_ , this _depressed_. I just…”

I had to pause and think for a moment. Usually, I was good at talking and didn’t have to struggle for words, but right now my mind was as blank as most of the pages filling my notebook.

“And then?” Ashton questioned. “Did you talk to him?”

“I talked to Liz first,” I admitted, my voice monotone. “We both agreed it could help if I told him he wasn’t to blame – I mean, if anyone is to blame, it’s definitely me. I should have taken better care of him.

“But anyway, Liz told me it’d be a good idea to talk to Luke…”

“And? Did you do it?” Ashton looked at me expectantly, a glimpse of something similar to excitement evident in his hazel eyes. “What happened?”

“Well,” I sighed bitterly, trying to fight the urge of spitting onto the ground, as I would have done if I was outside right now. “I fucked up. Made it even worse. He didn’t believe me. He said that deep down, I knew I was lying.

“I-I just wanted to help him, Ashton!”

The last words sounded more desperate than either of us had expected and I could feel my shoulders slump as I was hit by a sharp pain, which I knew all too well by now. I had wanted just wanted to make Luke believe me – I didn’t want him to blame himself.

However, talking to him had only made it worse. According to Liz, he wouldn’t talk anymore at all, the silence hinting at how he had to feel on the inside. I had witnessed it, too.

That night, it had felt like I’d given a little bit of hope back to Luke, but now he seemed more shattered than ever before. What had happened? Why hadn’t he believed me?

“Hey, shhh, it’s alright,” Ashton quietly soothed in order to calm me down.

I looked up at him, confused and vision slightly marred, and it was only now that I realized tears had welled up in my eyes and my heart was racing.

“I-I’m sorry,” I choked, getting away from Ashton to avoid touching his skin in any way. I just couldn’t stand any physical contact at the moment, I knew it would only make everything worse.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Ash told me, observing me with his incredibly calm eyes. “How about you tell me about something else? I never knew why you kicked Crystal out so suddenly?”

Unintentionally, I clenched my jaw muscles at the mention of Crystal and my fingers curled up into tight fists as I slowly exhaled.

“She had to go. I couldn’t keep her around Luke.”

Ashton raised an eyebrow at me, obviously confused at my answer.

“But why? Did she do anything?”

“Well…”

I breathed in slowly as I tried to contain the anger that was bubbling up in my stomach inside me, carefully uncurling my fingers.

“She said some nasty things – and I won’t ever forgive her – about Luke. She’s absolutely delusional, thinking I’d leave him f-for her…”

Stopping briefly, I blinked and cleared my throat, still feeling the burn of rage at the back of my throat.

“I don’t know if Luke ever…heard her saying stuff, but she’s bringing down his confidence, anyway. Arz is right.”

“Arz?”

“She told me about it.”

Silence dominated for a few moments after I’d finished my sentence, me staring at the ground as Ashton kept gazing at me, a thoughtful look on his face. Finally, after keeping his mouth shut for quite a while, he spoke up.

“Have I gotten that right? Crystal was saying shit about Luke, Arz told you about it and that’s why she’s gone now.”

I nodded grimly.

“I can’t have her get in the way and destroy the last bits of confidence Luke has left. Also, she needs to learn how to deal with rejection. I don’t want her.”

“Well, she’s gone. And you talked to Luke and told him the miscarriage wasn’t his fault, but he didn’t believe you – correct?”

Swallowing hard, I nodded again.

“You’re right.”

“Well, Michael, I support your decision to send Crystal away – if you say she’s done things, then she must have. About Luke, though…

“The loss is hitting him the hardest, and I think we all know why. He was the one carrying your child…Daniel, after all. I also get that you don’t want him to blame himself and that you want to make him believe this isn’t his fault.

“Just…”

He paused to cast another thoughtful glance at me, causing me to fidget uncomfortably as I grew annoyed with the wait.

“What is it, Ashton?”

“You won’t be able to make him believe it’s not his fault if you don’t stop blaming yourself, first.”

 

________________________________

 

It was safe to say that Ashton’s words made me think – actually, it was more than that. They caused me to lie awake all night, trying to understand what the drummer had meant when he had told me I should stop blaming myself.

Technically, his words had been more than simple, yet I couldn’t seem to wrap my head about them. Why would the way I viewed the situation have an impact on the impression I gave Luke?

After all, I didn’t blame him – I had been the one who should have taken better care of him, but that wasn’t important at that point.

I just needed Luke to know this wasn’t his fault, no matter if it was mine or not. After everything that had gone wrong, I still wanted him to be okay, I still loved him, but I couldn’t simply forget what I’d done wrong myself.

If Luke chose to forgive me one day, I would be fine with it since it was his own decision, but I didn’t get why I couldn’t remember my mistakes.

The next day wasn’t better than the previous ones, if it couldn’t be considered worse. I received a call from a Modest-employee around noon, telling us to schedule a huge meeting as soon as possible.

Of course, our managers wanted to know what had caused Luke to end up in hospital. After all, we had cancelled the tour, which was still a very big deal in the media – and so far we hadn’t made any statement about it.

How could we make one, though, with Luke being too depressed to utter a single sentence a day and me constantly craving his touch as I separated myself from others?

Nonetheless, I did understand the meeting was a necessity, which was why I scheduled it for the next week after talking to Liz. Again, we both agreed that it would be better to leave Luke out of it, although it was mostly concerning him and his condition.

Despite talking to her for a long time that day, I didn’t dare to tell Luke’s mother about my conversation with Ashton, the one that kept me thinking. She treated me like she always had, but I still couldn’t be sure if she didn’t blame me for all of this, regardless of what she’d told me at the hospital.

She had to see her youngest son suffer every day and now he wasn’t even talking to her anymore, because I had approached him when he hadn’t been ready, probably.

The week passed faster than I’d expected and before I was even close to being ready, I found myself being awoken by an annoying alarm at 9 o’clock in the morning, reminding me of the meeting I had to attend in two hours.

Groaning and hitting snooze regardless, I rolled over and curled up on my side, almost forgetting about the fact that Luke was still resting beside me until I felt dry cold fingers against my arm.

I started up, gripping the sheets tightly as I did so and cringing at my own forgetfulness. For a moment, I froze, listening closely to the sounds coming from my sleeping bandmate next to me until I was sure I hadn’t awoken him.

A soft sigh escaped my lips as I realized he was still sleeping and, as if to make up for being inconsiderate earlier, I got up without any sound, sneaking over to the door and looking back at Luke’s sleeping form once before exiting the room.

The sensation of his cold skin on mine still lingered on as I trotted into the kitchen shortly afterwards, going to fix up a cup of coffee for myself.

I spent the next 30 minutes sitting at the kitchen counter while sadly staring at my coffee, not even realizing the beverage was slowly becoming cold.

Today was the meeting. Today, I would have to spill it all. Today could be the day I had always dreamt of ever since Luke and I had got together – if he was here with me.

Realising I should probably think of what I’d tell the managers, I sighed again. What _could_ I tell them, after all?

Ashton had advised me to be honest about Luke’s condition and the things regarding the pregnancy, and I figured he was right. Hiding didn’t make it easier anymore, now that they knew something was up.

However, I was unsure what to tell them about my current relationship status. Luke and I had never broken up, and there was nothing I feared more than parting with him, but I was still wondering if he still wished to be by my side.

After all, all I did was remind him of what had happened, which surely wasn’t very profitable at this point. That’s why I had sent Arz away – despite knowing she hadn’t made any crucial mistakes, I couldn’t stand seeing her, knowing she had been with him that night, knowing her baby was still fine.

_What if Luke couldn’t stand my sight anymore?_

The thought kept haunting me all morning, but when I got into the cab I’d called at around 10:30 am I forced myself to push it to the very back of my mind. Right now I couldn’t deal with it – I had to focus on telling our managers I was in love with my bandmate and convincing them to give us another break.

We all knew there was no way Luke would get back to performing anytime soon.

 

_________________________________

 

I was greeted by both Ashton and Calum when I arrived at the building where the Modest-office was located, the latter taking sneaky looks at his watch from time to time.

“He’s waiting for Nia,” Ashton explained when he noticed my irritated frown, “they’re gonna make it official today.”

I shrugged, willing to go along with whatever was on our agenda. The more time I got before I had to explain myself, the better.

However, it seemed like my luck was bad that day, since the managers asked about Luke as soon as the meeting had started.

“What’s wrong with him?” a guy with a Southern accent, who was sitting directly across from me, wanted to know.

His female neighbour, whose name was Mrs. Watts, I remembered, added, “and why don’t we know anything? The boulevard press is going crazy, as are the radio stations. We tried to call you at least a hundred times!”

“Well, we’re here now,” I muttered as I stared at the smooth surface of the conference table.

“Well, where’s Mr. Hemmings?” Ian Parker, a guy we worked with quite often, politely questioned. “Isn’t he well enough yet?”

“He isn’t,” Ashton confirmed.

“And why?” Parker continued to inquire. “We were told he had severe health problems, but nothing more. What happened, even? And why did the paps catch Arzaylea moving out of your shared apartment?”

The last question was clearly directed at me and I realized I couldn’t push the moment back anymore. I had to tell them – now.

I cleared my throat, partly because a huge lump had formed at the thought of what I was about to do, and partly because I wanted to grab everyone’s attention.

“Well,” I started. “It’s a long story, but I’m gonna tell you. Please, just don’t disrupt me while I’m talking. Hear me out entirely.”

Everyone nodded and I folded my hands as I shifted slightly in my seat.

“It all started over four years ago,” I began.

Then, I told them.

“This whole band thing started to go crazy after Luke and I had stopped hating each other. Due to our exciting experiences, we quickly grew closer and closer. Personally, I soon realized I wanted more than simple friendship.”

Suddenly, I heard a gasp from beside me, but I fully ignored the reaction and just went on with what I wanted to say – it was hard enough already. However, it also made me feel good in a strange way.

My insides grew all warm and fuzzy as I kept reminiscing, bringing back all the old memories I hadn’t thought of in a long time. Truth be told, I didn’t even know if I’d ever reflected on my relationship with Luke like this, but that didn’t mean I’d forgotten about all the happy moments we had shared.

On the contrary – the longer I talked, the more vivid grew the images in my head until it felt like I was experiencing everything again, the unique months we’d spent in London and the tour we’d gone on up to the moment when we’d been about to come out publically.

“Don’t get me wrong here,” I told the Modest-employees who were watching me intently, unable to take their gazes off me. “As far as I know, none of you have been involved with this. I’m not trying to criticise anyone in this room – this is just how things went down back then. Please, try and understand.

“Luke and I were growing more impatient each day. We already had a meeting settled and were eager to spill our secret. However, one night we were making out in Ashton’s hotel room after a concert.

We were reckless because we were sure that soon everyone would know about us. Therefore, we didn’t mind getting caught by Harry Styles.”

Another few gasps were heard, but again, I chose to ignore them.

“He didn’t mind, either. Actually, he wanted us to tell him our story, so we did. However, when we mentioned we were going to come out he begged us not to.

“He and Louis were in the same situation. They’d always been open about their relationship, he told us, talking about it to reporters back in the X-Factor-Days. Their managers didn’t approve – they kept them away from each other and the more fans believed in ‘Larry’, the more they had to endure.

Even then, when they were still happy, Harry knew this wasn’t going to end well – and we believed him, luckily. Look at him and Louis now. They got sad and tired of constantly being apart, up until the point where Louis cheated and they broke up – as a band and as a couple.

“I don’t blame either of them, but I didn’t want to end that way. I loved Luke, hell, I still do.

“After that, we started hiding. Our eagerness to come out soon vanished and we began to ask ourselves whether it would’ve been okay to come out, even if our managers at that time had approved.

“We started hiding away not only from you, but also from the fans, and from our haters. We were happy, nonetheless – it was difficult, but we weren’t sad, since we got to be with each other.

“However, Luke became anxious as time went on. He started to be afraid of pictures leaking and secrets being discovered. That’s when Arzaylea came into the picture.”

“Wait?” Parker suddenly interrupted me. “What does Arzaylea have to do with this? Who is she? Why is she around if Luke is gay?”

“Well,” I shrugged, “she’s our beard. And don’t tell me you aren’t familiar with that term – I know you are.”

“And what-“

“I said hear me out!” I hissed, harshly disrupting an Asian looking woman who had seriously dared to speak.

“We were afraid you’d make us stay away from each other if you found out. Maybe, that was dumb – we shouldn’t give any fucks about your opinions and decisions. It’s our life!”

“Michael, please.”

Ashton cast a worried yet stern glance at me as his hand touched mine soothingly.

“No more swearing.”

However, I simply snorted at his request and went on.

“Things went well with Arz. No one suspected anything and although the fans weren’t happy, it wasn’t too bad. At least we were together. But then…shit went crazy.”

At that point, I stopped for a moment to look at my hands, which were resting on the table before my eyes. My fingers were intertwined with each other and I felt a sharp sting in my chest as I was reminded of how Luke and I used to hold hands.

This last part of the story would certainly be the hardest to tell. The wounds I was suffering from hadn’t even started healing yet, and even if they couldn’t be torn open again, that didn’t mean they couldn’t get worse.

Talking about the pregnancy, which had been the fall of Luke and I’s relationship, felt like I was carving into my own skin with a knife I had forged myself.

The anger I had felt when talking about the reason Luke and I had hired Arzaylea had completely faded and been replaced by a feeling of sadness that was not at all similar to the melancholia which had filled me before.

But despite my pain, I told the Modest-employees everything, starting from the day we’d found out that Luke was pregnant. Many of those present seemed conflicted whether to be mad or pitiful when I explained how Luke had slowly got worse.

Now that I had to put our story into words, I realised once more how blind I had been. I remembered now, I recalled the way he had become sadder and more reserved, the longer his pregnancy went on, but it was too late.

If I had only noticed sooner…

The last thing I described was Luke’s current condition. I knew the people probably wanted to know about me, too, since I had been Daniel’s father as well, but I didn’t dare focus on me for a single second.

This was all about Luke and my feelings shouldn’t matter. I just wanted him to be okay again, and that’s why I needed to convince our managers to give him time to recover.

“So, that’s how our gloriously disastrous story ends,” I sarcastically told them at the end. “He’s devastated, our baby is gone and so is Arzaylea. Is that enough information?”

They all nodded. They all looked at each other, but no one dared to lift their gaze and meet my eyes. They all stayed silent.

I re-folded my hands as I waited for someone to speak up. I had done enough already – now it was their turn to act.

After a sheer eternity, someone, specifically a blonde woman in her fourties, who I had never seen before, cleared her throat.

“Thanks for telling us, Mr. Clifford.”

As she stood up, I squinted in an attempt to read her name on the small sign she was wearing. However, due to the distance between us, I miserably failed and had to accept her speech without knowing how to address her.

“Your story is indeed…not the happiest one, and it is safe to say that many bad decisions have been made – by you as well as by some of us.

“But, you came in here today because you wanted something from us.”

“I want time,” I told her frankly. “I want you to give Luke time so he can recover and leave this behind. He’ll never forget, but it can get better. Anyway, I want you to postpone the rest of the tour.

“He can’t perform and he won’t either. If necessary, we can also perform as a trio – but that wouldn’t be right.”

“I understand,” the woman nodded and finally averted her gaze from her co-workers to look me straight in the eye.

An electrical shock went through my body as I spotted the sympathy in her eyes. There was no anger, no sign of the hesitation I had expected – at least the woman didn’t seem to mind us being gay.

“Mr. Hemmings’ well-being should be our first priority right now,” the blonde kept on talking. “He really needs to rest, I agree with you on that. We just have to find a way to tell the fans…”

“I want to tell the fans the truth,” I interrupted her, defensively folding my arms in front of my chest. “There’s no point in lying anymore. Lies only make everything worse.”

“You’re right. We’ll just have to tell them the truth,” the woman spoke. “We-“

Suddenly, she was disrupted again, but this time I wasn’t the one who cut her off. Everyone’s gaze wandered to Parker as the man stood up, his impressive height of over 6 feet making his colleague seem small and weak.

“We can’t just do that,” Parker spoke up and I immediately remembered why I recalled his name. It wasn’t only because we’d worked together before – he had also proven to be kind of difficult when it came to private relationships, and additionally, I now believed to recall he _had_ worked with One Direction’s managers before, meaning…

“We can’t just go and tell them you two are…together.”

His slightly disgusted tone and the break in-between his statement made it obvious how Parker thought of the news.

“You’ve spent the last months pretending to be with girls – and now you wanna tell them you’re gay all of a sudden? That won’t work.”

A frown formed on my face as I looked at parker, feeling the well-known feeling of rage come back with a vengeance.

“I don’t care if it works,” I spat. “I want to- We need to be honest now! Hiding won’t help us, and neither will lying!”

“That’s bullshit!” Parker immediately countered, involuntarily raising his voice as he spoke. “That’s bullshit, they won’t buy it! A man who gets pregnant – that sounds like a very bad story!”

Nia, who was sitting on my right, visibly jumped on her seat as my fist met the table, creating a loud noise as it clashed with the wood.

“They don’t need to fucking buy it!” I screamed, unable to contain myself anymore. “It’s fucking reality!”

“No, Mr. Clifford, no…” Parker’s voice had become dangerously low all of a sudden and the hint of evil in his tone made me shudder uncomfortably. “This may be reality in your head. But, you’re not gonna tell them anything.

“What would that look like, even? You and Hemmings – are you even together still? Because from what you’ve told me, it doesn’t seem so.”

His words didn’t miss their target; and the cruelty he spoke with only made the pain worse. My eyes widened as my brain tried to process what was happening, but all I could hear was his voice resounding with the walls of my head.

Were we together? It didn’t seem so.

Were we? I didn’t know.

I frantically shook my head in an attempt to chase away the imaginary noise, desperately wishing his words weren’t so true. But it was as if hell had broken lose behind my forehead – I couldn’t think, couldn’t talk anymore, couldn’t deny his words because my tongue was tied and so were my hands.

Thoughts were spinning behind my forehead, but I was too slow, far too slow to grasp what was happening as my chest started getting tighter and tighter.

No, I couldn’t let Luke go! I needed him! I didn’t deserve him, but I needed him – so desperately!

_It didn’t seem like we were together anymore…_

My whole world had been turned upside down. Here I was, unable to speak, unable to fight the burning agony in my chest that Parker’s words had brought back.

I couldn’t go on like this.

I had already lost my son – and damn, thinking of him still hurt so much – I couldn’t lose my boyfriend as well!

And strangely, despite the hurricane in my head, that moment was the first time I realised I was hurting. Before, I had thought this was about Luke, I had never paid attention to myself and my own pain.

But knowing I was on the verge of losing Luke had changed something; now I was finally able to see I had to focus on myself, too. And I needed Luke to get better. Maybe I could help him afterwards.

That was why I needed him back; I needed him to be my boyfriend, no matter what had happened. I still didn’t understand why he hadn’t believed me when I’d told him none of this was his fault, but at least I knew I had to keep fighting.

I had to try to convince him over and over again, until he was ready to take me back.

 

____________________________

 

In the end, it was Ashton who put an end to the chaos. Despite my weird state of rigidity, I clearly and vividly remembered his words afterwards. I remembered him standing up and shouting at Parker and the blonde woman, who had started arguing, to stop.

“This is not your decision,” he spoke when everyone’s attention was on him. “It’s 2016, people, and if he wants to tell people about his sexuality, whatever it may be, then he will.

“Oh, and just so we’re all clear. I gotta say something, too. Because recently, I’ve met someone very special and he’s assured me of one thing:

“I am gay, and I am not willing to hide it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK BUT ASHTON'S SECRET IS FINALLY OUT? I MEAN; I WAS SO EXCITED TO POST THAT BC DAMN I LOVED THAT IDEA!!! ur probably all confused now but i promise it will be explained in the next chapter (also there was foreshadowing, but idk if anyone noticed).
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed and come back next week!


	38. Chapter 38

_**Michael** _

 

To say we were all shocked would be an understatement. Even I, being pained and tortured by my own thoughts, started wondering how none of us had suspected anything before.

Neither I nor anyone else in the room had known about Ashton’s sexuality, and I doubted he had told anyone.

Later, when we’d all calmed down a little bit and were on our way back home, he explained how the days Luke had spent in hospital had been a blessing – at least for Ashton.

He told us about the guy he’d met and I couldn’t have been more surprised when I heard his name was Jasper Phelps – now the fact that Ashton had spent a great amount of time with Luke finally made sense.

The drummer seemed very at ease as he talked about his new love interest, telling Calum, Nia and me about the dates they had already gone on. Of course I tried to be happy for him, but after a while my thoughts drifted off, back to the agreements we had made with our managers.

They had been willing to give us 6 months to rest, even though most of them had been very reluctant. But in the end, they had understood Luke couldn’t perform right now and that he needed to get better first – physically and mentally.

However, they had insisted on having us do an interview before going on break. Apparently, we still needed to tell the fans what had happened, and I understood their point. They had already scheduled the interview.

It was supposed to happen in two weeks, after we’d flown back to Australia. We would talk to the guys of NOVA FM, which was a radio station that was part of our history. At least we got to chat at a place we knew, with people we – at least slightly – trusted.

I just hoped Luke was going to be okay until then, though.

It turned out he was, kind of. The two weeks, which were filled with Ashton formally introducing us to his date and long nights I spent thinking of how I was going to approach Luke again, passed by rather quickly and before we knew, we were on a plane back to Australia.

I could sense Luke was very nervous to fly again which was a given, considering what had happened the last time he’d been on an aeroplane. Luckily, Liz stayed with him the whole time and made sure he was okay, just like every mother would.

Personally, I spent the flight talking to Calum, who’d come on his own, just like Ashton. However, we were all certain Nia would follow soon after our interview.

It was weird to know that from now on, all members of 5 Seconds of Summer were taken. It had surely happened before, but never had it felt so serious. Back when Ashton was with Bryana, their relationship had been on and off a lot, but it was nothing compared to him and Jasper, who seemed to adore each other equally.

Meanwhile, Calum and Nia had been flirting with each other for quite a while and since I knew they worked well together, I doubted there were going to be any problems.

That, however, gave me time and space to think about my own relationship. I was yet to approach Luke even though there had been plenty of opportunities lately.

Nonetheless, I just hadn’t seemed to be able to find the right moment as every time I looked at him, I could feel my throat close up and my chest clench with doubt. I was aware that our next conversation had the power to ruin everything – or mend at least a little part of us.

Calum advised me to talk to Luke before the interview.

“I doubt he’ll make it through without you,” he told me in a hushed voice, careful not to let others hear.

I knew what he meant – I doubted I’d make it through as well.

“Just try not to sound hypocritical,” Calum also said. “He won’t believe you if you do. Just honestly tell him what you feel like.”

That was easy to say, yet hard to do, though. I found that the plane wasn’t the right place to talk to Luke and after we’d landed he left so quickly that we didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I was picked up by my mum that day and was actually grateful I didn’t have to spend the night at Luke’s – that gave me some time to catch up with my parents and think about what I wanted to tell Luke.

I spent the three days we had left before the interview in my room, alone. Calum came over once, but he soon left when he realised there wasn’t anything we could talk about. Mostly, I just sat there and stared at my phone, gazing at the sonograms of Daniel which I had sent my mum a few weeks ago.

The stabbing pain which I’d experienced first when thinking of my son had been replaced by a dull ache in my chest, but that didn’t make it any better. If anything, it meant I was able to think since the agony didn’t take all of my senses away.

I got so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the hours passing by until I was woken up by my mum one morning and immediately knew today was the day. Without bothering to fix my hair, I got dressed and went outside to hop into the car.

It was 09:30 then – 3 hours left until the interview was supposed to start.

The others were already at the radio station when I arrived, getting their hair done while talking about the things we were going to talk about later. Normally, I would have participated in their conversation, but my mind was as blank as the ceiling above us.

Thus I just let the process of getting styled wash over me, taking some time to lean back and just think as little as possible.

Soon my peace was disturbed, though, by Ashton and Calum, who thought it was a good idea to go and get snacks. We left Luke behind in the dressing room as we went to the cafeteria of the station to order some food.

“An hour till we’re on,” Ashton stated as he carried his tray loaded with a turkey sandwich and a can of soda to a table nearby. “Not much time left, huh?”

“You’re right,” Calum agreed with a nod and I suddenly realised this was the first time in weeks I had seen them interact with each other like best friends would.

However, I didn’t have any more time to think about my discovery as Ashton turned to me in one swift motion, eyeing me with his incredibly deep hazel eyes.

“You should go see him?”

I almost choked on my own spit at his question, coughing harshly before getting out a small, “what?!”

“You should go see Luke,” Ashton repeated. “It’s about time. I’ll refuse to talk during the interview if you two don’t talk to each other finally.”

Again, Calum showed his agreement with a small nod before fixating his gaze on me as well, leaving me to shudder.

“He’s right,” the New-Zealander said calmly. “Just tell him how you feel, Michael. That’s the only way to solve this.”

Of course he was right, but at that very moment, I wasn’t able to admit it. Nonetheless, their persistent pleading made me get up and sigh in defeat, shoulders rising only to drop again.

“Fine, I’ll go.”

And I did.

On the way back up to the next story where our dressing room was located, I realised I had been dreading this moment since forever, although I had never noticed. My hands had grown all shaky and sweaty when I touched the doorknob, raising my other hand to gently knock on the door.

I didn’t use too much force, though – being too forceful could ruin everything right now.

“Yeah?”

His voice, which used to make me sigh in relief, made something in my chest twist and I had to swallow hard before I could reply.

“May I come in?”

I was very aware that there was so much more to that seemingly simple question. Technically, I had just asked for Luke’s permission to enter the room, but in reality I wanted him to confirm he wanted me to enter – his mind, the place that had become his inner prison, his court.

“You may.”

He sounded defeated, like he was done, but I was used to that already. Nevertheless, I hesitated for a brief moment before twisting the knob, slowly stepping into the room.

The fact that I felt like I was intruding made my heart clench painfully, but I didn’t stop to care – even though I had realised I needed to think of my own feelings, too, I knew now was not the time to focus on myself.

If I managed to get to Luke, even in the slightest, I’d help myself the most, anyway.

I silently walked over to the couch he was sitting on and lowered myself onto it, taking up the corner furthest away from him. During all of that, I avoided to look at him, since I felt like eye contact could destroy everything.

I needed to give him space.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Actually, it felt like it had been hours since one of us had spoken up, and when I finally raised my voice again, I noticed Luke tensed up slightly.

“You weren’t at the meeting.”

I figured the best way to start this conversation was to talk about something seemingly harmless – surely, I didn’t want to trigger him right away by asking him how he felt or confronting him with my own thoughts.

“I wasn’t,” he confirmed quietly and when I turned my head to look at him I thought I had caught his gaze flickering over to me for a second. As I saw him staring at the wall opposite us, though, I was positive I had just imagined that reaction.

“You know that I told them about everything, right? I told the whole story.”

And there it was. The one dreaded topic. Everything I had feared to talk about.

I didn’t even know what I had been thinking when I had brought up the meeting. I had hoped to play for time for a bit, but instead of being given a reason to perform pointless smalltalk for a few minutes, I had been led straight where I’d been afraid to go.

It felt like it was too early to talk about us, about our relationship or whatever we had left, but I knew there was no way back now.

If only I had had more time.

“So, now they know,” I carefully added, trying not to let the silence get to me. “But, I told the story from my point of view. And – I was kind of wondering what it looks like from yours.

“All this time, we never spoke to each other. Well, we did, but it didn’t feel like it. We’re all… I have a lot of questions. I wanna know what’s going through your head. I know a few facts various people have told me, but without you, I can’t piece them together.

“So, Luke… Would you mind telling me your story?”

Silence.

The ever dreaded state.

The only thing I feared right now.

Luke didn’t say anything and my heart clenched again, even harder this time. Even though I’d really tried not to pressure him, to make it seem like he had a choice, I had got worked up over the thought of finally getting answers.

My mind longed for a response, something that would help me complete the puzzle I couldn’t manage to finish on my own. At the moment, the entire mosaic consisted of questions, questions I had been asking myself over and over lately.

Why did Luke blame himself?

What was he feeling right now?

Why had he been so afraid of gaining weight?

What had been the reason for his immense distress?

Without me noticing, my hand had become a fist, clenched tightly as I tried to chase away my own thoughts. I couldn’t let Luke notice how eager I was to hear him talk. In the end, he’d feel pressured and push me away again – which would, indeed, mean our relationship was over.

Maybe he’d talk if I waited long enough. Maybe he just needed to muster up enough courage. Maybe he was fighting for words, but couldn’t seem to find any.

I waited. He stayed silent. The hand of the clock, which I only noticed now because its obnoxious ticking reminded me of the fact that I was running out of time, kept on moving.

After five minutes, I started to doubt anything would change. It had been far too long and Ashton and Calum would be back soon. Afterwards, we had an interview, which meant I wouldn’t get to talk to Luke.

After all, it seemed like I had wasted my final chance to talk to him.

I was already about to get up from the couch, wondering how such a simple action could have so much more meaning – if I left now, it would mean I was setting him free. Maybe that was what I was supposed to do. Maybe we weren’t meant to be anymore.

Suddenly, I heard a quiet voice beside me and the unexpected disturbance of the silence made me jump. I looked around, confusedly wondering if I had just imagined the sound of someone talking.

It was only Luke and me, after all – no one else.

But, then I heard it again, and this time I was absolutely certain I wasn’t just imagining it.

“Do you wanna hear the beginning, too?”

For a moment, I was confused as to what his question meant. However, I soon remembered the last question I had asked him and quietly rambled, “do whatever you like. I don’t mind hearing the beginning, but you don’t have to start there, if you don’t want to.”

“O-okay…” Luke almost sounded afraid to use his voice, as if he had forgotten what it sounded like.

I myself hadn’t heard him talk in a long time, but I’d never be able to forget the sound of his voice nonetheless. After all, it was the most beautiful thing on earth to me.

“Well, I think it’s better if I start with Arzaylea – it may be easier to understand, then. I was the one who convinced you of making her my beard, right?

“It was because I was scared. You said you were, too, but never as bad as me.”

Luke interrupted himself by clearing his throat before letting out a strangely unamused chuckle.

“It sounds dumb, right? I mean, I wasn’t embarrassed to show the world I was yours. But I was afraid nonetheless. It’s probably because I’m one big coward. Crystal was right.”

I clenched my teeth at the mention of Crystal as anger rose inside my stomach once again. So, after all, Arzaylea had been right when she’d assumed Luke must have heard Crystal talk about him.

At that moment, I really hoped the girl who I’d considered one of my best friends once would rot in hell and pay for her sins.

“Anyway, as time went on, it got worse,” Luke went on after a short pause. “I kinda got addicted to lying to everyone, or at least I felt like I couldn’t live without it anymore. I thought people would start assuming…things if I ever broke up with Arz.

“And when the whole p-pregnancy thing happened, I got even more stressed. It wasn’t only that I was a pregnant gay male who was yet to come out, no – my presumed girlfriend was carrying a child, too. And if I wanted to keep up with the lies, which I felt like I had to, I’d have to pretend to be her baby’s father.”

At that point, Luke took another moment to compose himself and clear his throat again, but he didn’t manage to conceal the pain in his voice as continued to speak.

“All of that st-stuff…kept me from enjoying being pregnant. I didn’t like the thought of having a child until much later. I was afraid people would n-notice. I thought if I only ate less, I’d be able to hide it longer.

“I thought I could be smaller…more be-beautiful. I always made you hold me, even though I’m like a frickin h-house and I don’t wanna be like a h-house. I wanna be tiny so you can enjoy embracing me again, but why would you embrace someone who’s twice your size?

But I shouldn’t tell you that, because I’m being superficial and it probably disgusts you! Here I am, worrying about my appearance when you have to fight depression and other shit.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t change it, though. I still hate the way I look.”

The last statement came out as a shaky whisper, inaudible for everyone who wasn’t focusing on Luke with all of their senses as I was right now. I wanted to take in every single word of his, feel it resonate within me until I could make his thoughts my own.

The desperate need to understand him was bigger than ever right now.

“I hate that I can’t alter myself,” Luke went on, catching me by surprise.

I honestly hadn’t expected him to say anything else, not after what he’d just confessed to me. The sentence he’d said before was still stuck in my head, replacing all of my other thoughts.

I didn’t even feel the well-known guilt burn at the pit of my stomach right now, since I was too focused on trying to comprehend what he had told me.

Squinting slightly, I turned to look at him and tried to subtly examine his body with my gaze. He was skinny, far skinnier than the last time I had observed him like this, but his protruding collarbones didn’t conceal the fact that he still was broad-shouldered and over six feet tall.

I couldn’t deny he was right – Luke Hemmings wasn’t tiny. He didn’t fit in my arms like he used to.

However, I didn’t mind.

I never had and I certainly never would.

I didn’t mind him curling up until he fit into my embrace, and I loved enveloping him, no matter how broad or tall he grew. For some reason, though, he seemed to have developed a massive self-hatred because he thought I wasn’t pleased with him, with his looks.

Truth be told, the mere thought made me feel sick to my stomach. How had that happened?

As Luke’s boyfriend, I should have made sure he never felt the need to change unless something was drastically wrong.

There was nothing wrong with him – he was perfect in my eyes and I realised I had failed at letting him know.

I swallowed hard and turned away, unable to look at him any longer. Now that I knew how he felt about himself, the guilty feeling had come back with a vengeance and it was accompanied by a crushing sadness I couldn’t fight.

If I had made him feel more loved, would we be here right now?

“I’m aware it’s incredibly selfish,” Luke’s defeated voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. “ _I_ am incredibly selfish. No matter if I’m beautiful or not, I shouldn’t have let it get to me that much. I shouldn’t have tried to change anything.

“Hell, I killed my baby by purging, by not eating enough and letting it starve to death. When I realised on that flight – I’m sure Arzaylea told you about it – it was too late! I had already lost Daniel then…”

Luke made an undefinable noise that sounded like a suppressed sob, but I didn’t dare turn to him as he finally finished his story.

“I don’t deserve to be a father, or a boyfriend, or someone’s husband. I failed at everything regarding that.

“I failed at controlling my own thoughts, I failed at talking to you. I failed at keeping my child alive. I even failed at loving him, Michael.

“Daniel was our blessing, but I hardly ever thought of him like that. Most of the time, I felt like I was cursed – and I didn’t realised it was the contrary until it was too late.

“You told me not to blame myself, Michael, and I told you it was only right to do that. I think deep down, you knew this is my fault. But if you didn’t, I hope you understand me now, after I’ve revealed all of my sick thoughts to you.”

And that was when it hit me. I found the last missing piece I had needed to complete the puzzle right in front of me as I listened to Luke’s final words, and I couldn’t help but grasp it tightly and never let go.

The missing piece was pain. It was the pure agony I felt when I heard Luke break down beside me, when I felt the couch shake as he couldn’t contain his sobs anymore. It was the ache that shook me when I realised how much he hated himself.

At that moment, I just couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand the thought of him blaming himself and at the same time I finally understood what Ashton’s words meant, the ones I had always pondered on.

I hated to see Luke blame himself – no matter what had caused the miscarriage, I could never blame him for being insecure. If anything, everyone else was at fault for making him doubt himself.

But, as Ashton had said, Luke wouldn’t believe in my words if I sounded like a hypocrite. If he wasn’t to blame, neither was I. In reality, no one was, no matter how I felt.

I realised that everyone had a different point of view, and maybe Liz secretly felt bad, too, but that didn’t mean she was guilty. If I tried to tell Luke to stop blaming himself while doing the exact same thing, I would sound extremely hypocritical.

Therefore, I needed to stop as well.

And at that moment I wanted to believe. I was ready to welcome the thought of blaming no one, and I was ready to tell Luke. Technically, there was only one thing left to do.

Screw personal space.

Screw carefulness.

I practically flung myself at Luke’s hunched over figure, tackling him down as he yelped in surprise and embracing him tightly.

“Thank you,” I choked out as I shifted in order to position my chin on top of his head, the tears spilling down my cheeks all of a sudden staining his dark blonde curls.

“Y-you- All the time, I thought I was to blame, Luke. You thought, you were. But – I realised I don’t want you to say it’s your fault because it isn’t. And now…I feel like I know it isn’t my fault either.

“From the bottom of my heart, I believe none of us could have changed anything. F-fate fucked with us and we’re hurting, but if we’re hurting together, maybe everything will be a little easier. J-just saying.

And without doubt, I can tell you – Luke Robert Hemmings – you aren’t to blame for Daniel being gone.”

After I had finished my speech, I held him even tighter, feeling his warmth, which I had subconsciously been craving so much, surround me like a shield of some sort. A shield we needed to be protected from misery until we were done healing.

I only moved again when I felt a tingly sensation against my neck, irritating me as I hadn’t expected anything like it. It almost seemed like Luke’s eyelashes were fluttering open against my skin.

Pretty sure he had closed them when I’d attacked him, I raised myself off his body in order to look at his face, curious as to why he would open his eyes again.

However, I had never expected a sight like the one before me.

Big blue eyes, ones I had missed so much, ones I had craved for looking into, staring up at me, eyelids twitching when our gazes locked.

Luke’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was tearstained, but his eyes didn’t seem to hold any sadness at that particular moment. Instead, they could as well be replaced by giant question marks, which, admittedly, wouldn’t look quite as aesthetically pleasing, though.

To me, Luke’s eyes had always held the world, and today I wasn’t disappointed either when looking straight into them.

The seemed to ask, “you really don’t blame me?” absolutely incredulous, and I’d never been more happy to answer. This time, I felt I had convinced him.

“No,” I smiled, voice broken by a small sob, which now expressed infinite relief rather than sadness. “I don’t blame you. And I’m sorry I ever made you believe that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayo (hitman bang introduces~~)   
> michael has finally gotten his shit together? Can you believe that (well, it took him long enough. luke too tbh). i hope you're satisfied (bc i am lmao).  
> it's really over in two weeks i guess. i'm srsly gonna miss updating this fic, even tho i was always late p much.  
> hope you will, too.


	39. Chapter 39

 

**_Arzaylea_ **

 

“And now we’re returning to the studio, back to the guests we have today,” the voice of the NOVA-radio-host rang out to me through the speakers of my laptop, which weren’t the best in all honesty.

“Please welcome back 5 Seconds of Summer with me.”

I could feel myself tense up slightly as four voices I had gotten too know all too well mumbled their ‘hello’s for the second time today. However, I had mostly gotten used to the slight feeling of uncomfortableness over the last hour and was soon able to relax.

“So, before the news we were talking about the break you took from your world tour and you told me there aren’t any new dates scheduled yet,” the host briefly summed up the content of the previous hour and I made sure my eyes were fixated on the laptop screen, where I could watch Luke, Michael, Calum and Ashton interact in the studio via livestream.

They all looked just as tired as last hour, but at least they seemed to have loosened up a little, getting used to being interviewed again.

I figured they had to feel weird right now, being back to do their jobs after weeks of drama. Another weird thing, though, was the sight anyone who’d randomly stumble into the room I’d occupied would be met with.

I was lying on my makeshift bed consisting of a mattress and a few blankets, sprawled out with my laptop on front of me, surrounded by boxes.

I would be moving out soon, which was why I had already started packing. Luckily, Ryan and Melissa, my ultimately general hosts, were out right now, so I didn’t have to worry about them walking in on me as I lay here, watching the screen as if spellbound.

I felt a little weird, too, watching the boys after so much had happened. I hadn’t talked to any of them since Ashton had helped me move in with Melissa, but a Modest-employee had called me a week ago to speak about the new ‘situation’ we were in.

In the end, I had been told not to draw any attention to myself and stay in the shadows for a while. If the boys – or Luke – wanted to, they could say something about me today, but it wouldn’t be my own decision.

That was not the reason why I was listening to their interview right now – of course I was kind of curious if Luke would reveal anything about us, but more than anything else, I wanted to find out how everything had worked out.

_If everything had worked out…_

After all, I probably wouldn’t get to see them again anytime soon, so I needed all information I could get.

My attention was drawn back to the computer screen when suddenly, the host decided to ask another question.

“So, Luke…” I could hear the slight hesitation in his voice and figured he had been given a list of which questions he was allowed to ask and which he wasn’t.

For a moment, it seemed like he’d change topic, but then he went for asking nonetheless.

“So, over the past few weeks, many of your fans have been wondering if you’re alright, especially after your managers proclaimed you were admitted to hospital approximately a month ago.

“Is there anything you want to tell us regarding that time?”

My brow furrowed as I inched closer to the screen, all my senses focused on Luke as I wished their filming had better quality so that I would be able to decipher his facial expression.

However, the way I could see him shift, arm brushing against Michael’s ever so subtly, was enough confirmation – he wasn’t even close to being over anything yet.

“Well, I was released quite some time ago,” he nonetheless went for a shaky answer. “Physically, I guess I’m better now. But things aren’t exactly the best at the moment, which is why we stopped performing for now. I just- I couldn’t give it my all, even if I wanted to.”

At the end his voice grew quieter and I caught his gaze flickering over the ground, head bowed as if he was ashamed to admit his true feelings.

Apparently, I hadn’t been the only one to notice and Ashton quickly took over for his bandmate as Michael stepped even closer until their sides were full on touching.

Even if the lingering despair in Luke’s voice made me heart crack, I felt a tiny smile bloom on my lips at that action. At least it seemed like Michael and Luke were on good terms again, which meant they were going to face the rest of this together.

I sighed deeply, not allowing myself to think of how much I wanted to help them through this. I was aware that right now, they didn’t need me in the slightest and my presence would probably only make it worse.

Ashton went on talking for a while and the host went into the topic, chatting with him about the recent dates he’d gone on with a certain Jasper Phelps.

Actually, Ashton had been the biggest surprise in this interview so far. I couldn’t have been more thunderstruck when he’d come out of the closet without any warning or hesitation, declaring he’d met Phelps recently, one of the nurses who had been assigned to Luke when he was in hospital, and had no intention on hiding his love for the Asian male.

However, now that he’d made a public announcement, I realized there had been lots of little hints I had failed to notice. Now everything made sense – the fact that he spent so much time at the hospital, our last conversation where he’d told me how he had changed.

In the meantime, Luke and Michael had made no move towards coming out whatsoever. They both seemed too caught up with other things to add another point to their long list of things to worry about, and I could perfectly understand them.

However, I knew they did have the permission to come out at any time from the way the stood so close to each other and the things the Modest-employee had told me.

The rest of the interview practically flew by and I could feel a melancholic feeling settle in my chest when the interviewer announced he was going to ask one last question. After this, 5 Seconds of Summer would be on break for 6 months.

They would probably be very private about it this time, considering the circumstances. That, however, meant 6 months would pass before I’d get information about them again.

I figured I could talk to Ashton, still, but it hurt that I wouldn’t get to make up with Luke. We had grown so close to each other that it was difficult not to be around him anymore, especially now that I was finally settling into my new life.

Over the last weeks I hadn’t noticed that much, but I missed Luke a whole lot. However, I understood why it had to be that way.

There was no point in sulking – I finally needed to break with the past. It had been too many weeks.

I sucked in a huge breath, trying to brace myself for the last question.

 _After that, you’ll stop thinking about them_ , I told myself. _You’ll focus on your own life after that one last question._

And then the moment came and I couldn’t do anything but listen and watch.

“Again, this goes to you, Luke,” the host said. “Before you postponed the last legs of your tour, there were news you had supposedly gotten your girlfriend, Arzaylea, pregnant. Can you tell us anything about that?”

I couldn’t look at Luke as he turned to answer. I couldn’t bear to see the look of pain and conflict on his face which I knew had to be his expression. After all, he had lost his child and the question had just reminded him of it in two ways – by mentioning me and my pregnancy.

“Well.”

He answered nonetheless. That was when I knew this truly was the end. The final question would be answered. The final lie would be cleared up.

He was setting me free, if I wanted to or not – I knew he was, considering there was no point in lying.

“Arzaylea and I aren’t a couple.”

There it was, the statement I had expected and the one every member of the 5sos-fandom had been waiting for.

“We split for good when we were in LA,” Luke explained, voice hoarse and kind of tremble-y yet firm enough not to break. “She is pregnant, but it’s not my child. I truly wish I could have seen her baby…grow up, but it’s better this way.

“At the moment, we’re better off apart. Nonetheless, I wish her all the best. There’s no one who deserves happiness more than her.”

And with his words, Luke cut the line between us. I could almost physically feel it, as if the metaphorical pair of scissors had grazed me, but it wasn’t all bad.

After all, Luke’s short speech had helped me in a way – since he had revealed we weren’t together anymore, Jake, whom I had almost forgotten about at times, couldn’t blackmail me anymore.

He only knew what everyone knew – Luke and I weren’t together. Soon, Luke and Michael would make their relation public, and he’d be completely powerless after that.

He couldn’t tell on me anymore, not even if his girlfriend found out he had cheated on her with me (which I figured she hadn’t, since he hadn’t leaked any information before). I wouldn’t have to be afraid of what was to come.

And although I was kind of sad because everything I’d come to know as my life was over, I smiled at that last thought.

It meant that I wasn’t tied to Jake anymore. I could raise my own child peacefully. I could tell it about its dad, if I wanted to. Maybe I would. Maybe not.

Only time would tell.

 

__________________________________

 

Merely three days later, I was practically ready to move out. I had already spoken to my mum three weeks ago, begging her to let me stay with her and my siblings until I had enough money to afford my own flat again.

Surprisingly, she had agreed pretty quickly after making me promise I would let her see my child from time to time when it was born. After all, maybe she wasn’t as bad as I remembered, though that was hardly believable when I thought of the amount of times she had annoyed me to death before.

Ultimately, I had come to the conclusion that neither of us was really looking forward to the new living arrangement. My younger sister, however, was ecstatic about it, especially after my mum had told her about the baby.

Now she wouldn’t shut up about the things she wanted to do when it was born and how happy she was – and I happily let her. I had kind of come to realize that I had forgotten how nice at least she was because I’d always seen my whole family as some kind of evil.

But, I figured it was unfair if I pushed her away just because my mother and I didn’t get along. After all, she was a different person.

The night before I was supposed to move out, I was alone at Melissa’s apartment once again. She’d asked me if I wanted to go out with her and her fiancé a dozen times, but I’d politely declined.

They had proven to be generous enough when they’d let me stay with them out of the blue – I didn’t want to cause any more trouble than necessary.

Therefore, I ended up staying in their apartment on my own, already prepared to spend the night enjoying some quality sitcoms I’d never gotten to watch lately. I had already settled on the couch and grabbed a bag of chips I’d bought earlier, ready to dig in, when suddenly, the doorbell rung loudly.

I frowned slightly as I got up and shuffled over to the door. I had no idea who could be outside. Melissa and Ryan were with their friends after all, which was why it couldn’t be a companion of theirs.

Maybe it was Ryan’s brother?

Not caring about the fact that I was only wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt in the slightest, I opened the door for my visitor.

“Hi.”

I was about to greet back, but when I recognized the other person’s voice, the words got caught in the back of my throat. Frankly, I could just stand there and stare in amazement at my opponent, wondering what on earth she was doing here.

If she was here to see me – and I didn’t see why she’d want to talk to Melissa, since I doubted they knew each other – that couldn’t mean anything good had happened, right? But on the other hand, I’d just realized that Jake didn’t have any impact on my life anymore, and I couldn’t think of anything he could do to harm me either.

Hayley’s hair, which was noticeably shorter than when I’d last seen her, was disheveled and she was panting, as if she’d run up the entire staircase to reach the right floor. A blonde streak had fallen into her face, being sucked against her lips with every breath of hers.

“Ugh!” she spat when a few hairs got caught in her mouth, smoothing back the stubborn streak. “I’m sorry for turning up just like that. I just figured this couldn’t wait.”

She looked at me expectantly, probably anticipating an answer of some kind, but all I could do was keep gaping at her, eyes moon-sized.

I only noticed I had been staring when she started shifting uncomfortably, her facial expression an unreadable mess due to the fact that she was obviously out of breath.

“Uh, sorry,” I finally managed to get out an answer. “Come in, I guess?”

And she came in.

I lead her into the kitchen after showing her where to put the leather jacket she’d been wearing.

“Do you want a drink?” I awkwardly asked when I noticed silence had taken over again.

She nodded without a word and I went over to the fridge to pour two glasses of orange juice for both of us. When I got back to her, she had taken a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter, taking the drink immediately and greedily downing it.

I sat down opposite her and started sipping my juice as I observed Hayley. I had absolutely no idea what to say.

There weren’t a lot of situation where I felt I was at a loss of words, but this one was definitely one of them. Why had Hayley come here, even? How had she found me? What did she want?

It probably had to do with Jake, right?

“So, you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here?” Hayley suddenly spoke up and I audibly exhaled, some of the tension leaving my shoulders when I realized I’d be getting my answers soon.

I nodded at her.

“Yup, pretty much. I-“ It took me a lot of courage to actually say it, but in the end, I managed to finish the sentence. “Is this about what happened the last time we talked?”

“Oh, you mean that phone call?”

Hayley’s expression darkened at the mention of our last conversation and I could feel myself shrink on the stool. A hot feeling flashed through me, guilt presumably, as I thought of the fact that I had helped Jake cheat on Hayley once.

She had had every right to sue me after she’d found out I had ‘claimed’ to be pregnant with Jake’s child – even if she hadn’t believed she had been cheated on. Back then, I had made it look like I had just wanted money from Jake – to protect myself, to protect Luke and make up for the one time I’d spilled a secret to Jake.

All of these memories were still living on in my head, vivid as ever as I eyed Hayley cautiously.

I didn’t even know what I was afraid of. The last time we had talked, she had just yelled at me and accused me of destroying her life. It couldn’t be worse, could it?

I would never get to find out – because as soon as Hayley spoke up, I knew this conversation was going to be different.

“Well, I’m kinda sorry for calling you a whore,” she chuckled, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was being cynical. “But you also kinda deserved it. After all, you helped that bastard Jake cheat on me a mere week after we’d gotten together.”

“I’m- What?!” My eyes widened as I slowly realized what Hayley had just said. Confused, I opened my mouth to interrogate her.

“I thought I- I told you… You didn’t… Jake cheated-“

“Shhh,” Hayley shushed me. “I know I didn’t believe you at first. Who would, after all, if some random girl claimed to be pregnant with your boyfriend’s child? Of course I didn’t believe it. I thought you wanted to destroy our relationship because you weren’t happy with that singer anymore or shit…”

“Luke and I aren’t together,” I muttered quietly, unable to resist the urge of putting her words right.

“I know, I know. But at that time, you still were.”

I didn’t bother to correct Hayley this time. The whole world would find out about Luke and I’s giant lie soon, but in the end, Luke and Michael would be the ones to speak up.

“So, I kind of thought… I didn’t even know, at that time, it didn’t really make sense. It was just that I found Jake’s phone in my room after a particularly exhausting day and when I went to see why it was buzzing, the first thing I saw were some crappy ultrasound pics and your text. In which you claimed to be pregnant with Jake’s baby, by the way…”

I shook my head, still confused.

“I still don’t understand what made you change your mind. You just said you- Jake cheated and…”

Hayley nodded.

“Well, yesterday when I came home, I caught Mia – your best friend – leaving Jake’s bedroom. He had told me he was working late. When I came in, he hadn’t even bothered to put on clothes yet.”

Hayley huffed, not catching the slight shift in my expression when she mentioned Mia and labelled her my best friend. The days when we’d all hung out seemed to be long gone…

After meeting Pat in that café a few weeks ago, I realized how much I had changed since I’d last gone partying with them. I felt as though I was a completely different person now. Maybe that was why it felt so weird to have Hayley here with me, too.

She used to be one of my friends, but the longer I looked at her, the more I wondered how I had ever had anything in common with her. Her make-up, which she must have done regardless of Jake cheating on her, was just a bit too flashy and her breath reeked of alcohol slightly, while I was sitting here dressed in sweatpants, no make-up concealing the slight bags under my eyes.

I used to be like her. Now I was someone else. Luke and Michael, but mostly my child had made me change.

“Well, I left,” Hayley suddenly went on, snapping me out of my thoughts. “I packed all of my belongings, which aren’t that many, if I’m being honest, and just left him. I made sure to take the necklace he gave me last week with me, though.

“That way, I won’t have to worry about money for a while, at least.”

The mention of money briefly reminded me of the fact that I was about to receive my first paycheck in two days, but there was another thing that lingered on in my mind. Where was Hayley staying?

“Do you have anywhere to go?” I asked her with a curious expression. “I mean, I’d ask you to stay with me, but I’m being hosted myself, so that won’t work.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Hayley waved off my offer. “I’m staying with Corey, if you still know who that is. He keeps complaining you promised to call him but didn’t.”

I froze at the mention of Corey. At that very moment, I would have liked to slap myself. How could I have forgotten about him?

After all, he’d done something very significant – of all of my old friends, he’d been the only one who’d ever apologized for what had happened in the club months ago. I shook my head slightly as I remembered those fateful days and how _down_ I’d felt afterwards, although I knew I was better off without them.

Merely 24 hours after Mia had ended our friendship, I, stuck in a confused state, had accidentally spilled Luke’s and my secret to Jake. It felt as though these events had taken place years ago.

“Corey…” I quietly repeated the name of my former friend.

I supposed I could call him and it would probably be impolite if I didn’t. However, hadn’t I just realized everything was different now? Didn’t I want to start again?

No matter if he was a good person or not, Corey would always be part of the old me, the one I’d left behind. That’s why I couldn’t just continue to talk to him like I used to. If I decided to keep him as a friend, I’d always be tied to my old life somehow.

And – since my old life equaled Jake, Mia, and mistakes I never wanted to repeat – I didn’t want that.

“I’m sorry,” I told Hayley. “For not calling him I mean. Tell him thanks, please. Corey is a wonderful person despite these drinking habits of his, and I’m grateful I got to know him.”

“That drinking habit…?” Hayley looked at me, confusion written all over her face.

However, I didn’t bother to explain myself. Of course she wouldn’t understand – we’d never been close and even less so after she’d accused me of destroying her relationship. She didn’t need to understand. I didn’t need her to.

Therefore, I simply sent her a warm smile.

“Is there anything else you needed to talk to me about?”

“Nope, that’s about it.”

The blonde woman shook her head, her curls dancing around her head, before she stood up.

“I gotta go now, I guess. I just wanted you to know about Jake and shit… Are you gonna contact him? After all, he’s your child’s father.”

Now it was my turn to shake my head.

“I won’t. I could probably demand money from him, but I don’t need it. I’ll be fine without it. Everything’s different now – I’m trying harder and I don’t want to depend on people anymore. By the way, I don’t want my baby to see what kind of an asshole their father is.

I’d rather let them imagine a brave superhero travelling around the world than having them know the real Jake, the one who pushed them away.”

“I understand,” Hayley told me as I escorted her into the hallway. “Well, we probably won’t see each other again, am I right?”

She took a moment to examine me from head to toes with her eyes before adding, “as you said, everything’s different now. You’re different.”

At that moment, I came to the conclusion that she must’ve understood more than she’d let on. However, that didn’t matter at all.

The only thing that mattered was the truth in her words.

From now on, everything would be completely different. Things had already started changing, but with saying goodbye to Hayley, I let go of the last thing I’d kept from my former life.

That evening, when I sat in the living room and looked back on all everything, I came to realize everything had resolved in the end.

Sure, I hadn’t wished to let go of Luke, but at least I knew he was with Michael and they would be healing together. Jake had no control over me anymore. I’d let go of my life as a party queen. I had thanked Corey. I had made up with Hayley for the most part.

In the end, the only two persons left were me and my baby.

However, I knew that didn’t mean I’d reached the end. If anything, I was at the beginning of a new chapter that held new paths, new choices and a new fate for me.

And I’d probably never been readier to start exploring that new chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's almost over............ahhhhhhhhhhh *runs away screaming*


	40. Epilogue

[July 30th 2017]

 

A veil of heat and steam had come to lie over Los Angeles this July, making the temperature rise and people’s clothes drop. No one dared to go outside with more than shorts and a thin t-shirt, since the heat was deadly otherwise.

That was why most citizens decided to stay inside their acclimatised flats and offices, rather enjoying the cool breeze created by a fan than melting into puddles under the blazing sun. Some people, however, did go outside and most of them were well-equipped with giant hats and thin clothes, skin sticky from too many layers of sunscreen.

Arzaylea Rodriguez was one of these people.

Her skin wasn’t glistening as much, since she was naturally tan and hence didn’t need as much protection from the sun, but otherwise, she didn’t differ from others in the slightest.

Face half hidden under the giant brim of her head, she made her way down one of the smaller streets downtown, taking her time despite the singeing heat.

After all, she had time.

Arzaylea only stopped walking when a small noise rang out to her, barely audible for untrained ears. The brunette raised an eyebrow at the buggy she had been wheeling before and removed part of its blue canopy to look inside.

As expected, she was met with the sight of a toothless four-months-old smiling up at her as he gargled quietly.

“What’s the matter, Leo?” Arzaylea smiled at the sight of her son, her voice much softer than usual. “Just want attention you lil’ monkey, didn’t you?”

The baby just looked up at her, eyes huge and glossy, showing off his non-existent teeth again. That action made Arzaylea chuckle quietly to herself, despite the tension of her whole body which had been there since this morning.

It was probably the best if she loosened up a little bit, she figured. Worrying wouldn’t help in any way.

“We’re almost there, sweetheart,” Arzaylea told her son when he let out a little squeal. “We’re gonna meet up with someone real nice. It’s gonna be great.”

However, her words were rather indicated at herself than at her baby, considering her son probably wasn’t even able to understand what she was saying.

“It’s gonna be great,” Arzaylea repeated quietly as she shut the canopy and started walking again, gaze fixated on the grey pavement beneath her feet.

She didn’t need to look at her surroundings anyway – she’d been to her current condition so many times that she would’ve made it there asleep.

Hadn’t she talked to a girl named Patricia in the small café over 6 months ago? The conversation was only a distant memory on Arzaylea’s mind, but she did remember the talk’s outcome very well.

She had been coming to the café a lot recently, most of the time accompanied by her 4-months-old and her friend Lindsay, whom she had met studying at the make-up school. The two had grown very close over the past months and Arzaylea was happy they had met.

Soon enough, the brunette reached the end of the street and hence her final condition. Panting a little from the merciless heat, she took her son out of the buggy and folded the construction, making sure to take it inside with her.

She would be totally crazy to leave it outside, even on a day like this – it probably would have been stolen more quickly than she could say her son’s name.

Speaking of her son – the small child had apparently decided he wanted attention again and started pulling at his mother’s hair. Arzaylea screeched and cast the little boy a stern look, even though she doubted he understood.

“Leon Alejandro Rodriguez! Immediately stop doing that!”

Apparently, her child was smarter than expected, since he stopped playing with his mother’s hair and moved on to chewing on her cheek. Shaking her head at Leo, Arzaylea scanned the café for a vacant table.

Finally, she found one right next to the giant window facing the street and quickly walked towards it, setting down the folded buggy before lowering herself onto the chair.

As she looked around the café again, her eyes found the clock hanging from the wall above the doorframe. It was 03:51.

She was nine minutes early.

Arzaylea took a deep breath as she gently rocked her son in order to keep him from making a ruckus because he was bored. She didn’t need any more stress right now – she was already tense enough.

There was no way to deny the fact that she was nervous, Arzaylea figured. After all, she _was_ , a cocktail of anticipation, excitement and anxiety in her stomach. Her hands were kind of clammy, too, she realised as she run her finger down her son’s soft and squishy cheek.

The child let out a cute noise at the gesture, something akin to a laugh, and Arzaylea had to smile, too, despite the nervous feeling in her gut that only kept increasing as she watched the time tick away.

“It will be fine, Leo,” she whispered to her baby after a minute of silence. “After all, he was the one who wanted to meet up. He seemed very certain – I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s doing.

“And also, he explicitly said he wanted to see you.”

Talking to her child helped a little, but never too much. She was still worried – worried something would go wrong, afraid she’d say something inadequate.

However, despite her fear, she couldn’t deny she was excited. Right now, the anxiety was drowning out most of the anticipation, but she had been looking forward to this day for a long time.

_It’ll be fine, she kept telling herself_ , just as she’d told her son. _There’s no bad blood between you and him. He was the one who demanded the meeting. He is ready to see you._

And while she was trying to encourage herself, the clock kept ticking and the seconds kept passing until the shorter hand met 4 o’clock.

Technically, he should be here now.

Arzaylea looked around nervously as she held her son, who was happily slobbering all over his tiny fingers, to her chest. Normally, his mother would’ve told him off, but at this point she couldn’t care less.

Her gaze was fixated on the door, her hands twitching whenever someone walked by the café, eagerly yet anxiously awaiting his arrival.

Luke Hemmings was 6 minutes late.

When he first opened the door of the café, he looked around sheepishly and timidly before slipping inside, keeping his head down in order to make his over-6-ft-tall self seem smaller. From her spot beside the window, Arzaylea could tell Luke was feeling out of place, as if he didn’t fit in here.

Maybe, that was also the reason why she was hesitant to call out to him and instead decided to wait in silence until his gaze landed on her. She had just looked down to check on her son when Luke spotted her, but Arzaylea raised her head when she heard his quiet, “ahh,” indicating he’d found her.

When her eyes met his, a smile arose on her face, no matter how hard she tried to contain herself. However, Luke sent her a smile in return, a small yet visible gesture, as he walked over to her and took a seat across from her and her son.

Arzaylea couldn’t help but stare at him for a few moments.

It wasn’t like he looked weird or anything – in fact, he looked much better, much happier than when she’d last seen him – it was just a weird feeling to see him face to face again after so many months, to be able to count the freckles on his cheeks and to notice how thick his lashlines were.

While she was observing him, Luke looked back at Arzaylea, his face blank. It was as if he expected her to say something, but at that moment, she was at a complete loss of words. What was she supposed to tell him, anyway?

“Hi, nice to know your face doesn’t look like a horrific wax mask anymore, which it did when I last saw you?”

No.

“So, how are you and your boyfriend doing after you unsubtly showed affection for each other in public and came out a few months ago?”

Arzaylea didn’t know how to approach the topic – she didn’t even know which topic they were going to talk about. Technically, they had to catch up on loads of things, but she couldn’t bring herself to start talking.

“Hi,” Luke suddenly spoke up, making Arzaylea’s eyebrows twitch in surprise.

All she’d seen of Luke so far had reminded her of the person he used to be when she’d first met him – timid, awkward, afraid of rejection and judgement.

However, that old Luke would never have started a conversation like this.

“You look nice,” the blonde took it even further. “I like your hair. It’s really smooth and thick.”

“Aww, thanks,” Arzaylea couldn’t help but blush at his compliment. Again, she was reminded of the old days. Back then, she would’ve found Luke’s sweetness adorable – and she certainly still did. However, now it seemed inadequate to voice her opinion aloud.

After all, she had changed, too.

“You look cute, too,” Arzaylea returned the compliment. “H-happy…kind of.”

Why was she reluctant to tell him about her thoughts? Was it because she was afraid of hurting him?

Anything she said could take him back to when he had no faith in himself whatsoever, right after he’d lost what was precious to him. Arzaylea swallowed hard as she glanced at her own son, who was still playing with his fingers.

Being a mum herself, she could imagine the pain Luke was in after losing Daniel. She knew herself that he’d never forget, that he’d probably never be free of it fully. But maybe, he had got better, at least.

“I am kind of happy, that must be why,” Luke suddenly retorted, making Arzaylea snap back to reality. “It’s not the same kind of happiness I used to feel before, but I figured that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

“It isn’t,” Arzaylea quietly confirmed. “I’m not the same either. But I like it better this way. I-“

All of a sudden, she was cut off by her son letting out a tiny squeal and flailing himself forward in her arms, almost causing him to slip out of her grasp.

“Argh, f-fluff!” Arzaylea hissed as she readjusted her grip on Leon, luckily remembering not to curse in front of the baby. She surely didn’t want him to learn any swearwords at this stage.

“I-Is that… Is that your baby?”

Luke’s quiet question startled Arzaylea a little and the tension that was suddenly between them forced her to look down, unable to face Luke.

She took a deep breath.

“That’s Leo. His full name is Leon Alejandro Rodriguez, but I just like to call him Leo.”

Luke remained silent after that statement. After a few second, Arzaylea forced herself to look up at him, afraid of what kind of expression she’d see on his face.

She could only imagine what it had to feel like for him to be here, in this situation. After all, Arzaylea and her baby, in particular, stood for everything he’d lost – she just hoped the sight of Leo wasn’t going to tear up old wounds.

However, Luke looked surprisingly composed as he stared at the tan child on Arzaylea’s lap. For a brief moment, something akin to pain flared up in his eyes, but it was replaced by a warmer emotion so quickly that Arzaylea wandered if she’d just imagined it.

“H-he’s beautiful…” Luke finally whispered, his voice slightly croaky yet still firm enough. “He’s just as beautiful as his mum.”

“Do you wanna hold him?”

The words had slipped out of Arzaylea’s mouth before she could do anything against it, and for a moment she felt the urge to slap herself across the face in grounds of her own stupidity. However, as soon as she saw Luke’s face light up she knew she’d said the right thing.

“I’d like to, yeah,” the blonde singer mumbled, a slight blush coating his cheeks.

“Hold on, I’ll hand him over.”

Arzaylea eagerly got up and stepped around the table, carefully handing her child to Luke, who took the small boy with just as much care.

“There you go,” Arzaylea told him. “Just watch out, he’s a cheeky little monkey and likes to steal things from people.”

“Oh, I’ll better watch out, then,” Luke said as he looked at the child in his arms in awe.

Again, there was a slightly pained expression on his face for a split second, but it was soon replaced by a smile that made Arzaylea feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

“Hello, you little bugger,” Luke quietly spoke to the child in a soft voice. “How are you, little Leo? You look just like your mommy, you know? Your eyes are exactly the same. You’re pretty lucky, little one, your mum is one of the most beautiful persons I know.”

The compliment made Arzaylea blush again, but instead of thanking Luke, she chose to keep quiet in order not to disturb the moment he was having with Leo.

She let him play with the baby for a few minutes, finally ordering drinks and some food for both of them. Then, when their food had arrived and Leon had settled on Luke’s lap, she started talking again.

“You’re probably wondering what I’ve been doing lately. Well, I’ve been living with my mum and my siblings again while studying to become a make-up artist. The day I asked to move back in with her was probably the best one in my mum’s life.

“She’d finally gotten her victory, or so she thought – but I’m not one to give up. I still fight with her a lot, and I’ll move out as soon as possible. But at least, Leon has a family who adores him.

“Well, anyway. I have found a bunch of new friends – one of them is named Lindsay. We get on great, we even wanna start a YouTube-channel someday.”

“That sounds lovely!” Luke commented, smiling encouragingly as he rocked Leo up and down. “Glad you’ve been so well, despite the difficulties you had in the past.”

Now it was Arzaylea’s turn to talk again.

“So, how have you been?”

Normally, she wouldn’t have been this blunt, considering what Luke had gone through, but making conversation with him had turned out to be a lot easier than she had anticipated and she was just too curious.

Luke looked up at her, the soft smile on his lips gone. Nonetheless, he didn’t seem overwhelmed by emotions in any way – just melancholic, kind of.

“Obviously better than when we last saw each other,” he finally replied. “I’m sorry I took so long to call you. I just needed a lot of time – and I guess I was scared, too. I was afraid you would remind me of…stuff and I’d get worse again.”

Raising her eyebrow slightly to show she didn’t understand fully, Arzaylea told him, “but now it’s different.”

Luke nodded at her statement.

“I mean, you remind me of the past, but I’ve come to realise that’s not bad. I wish to tell you what happened after I was released from the hospital, if you want to listen.”

“I will,” Arzaylea immediately promised. “I’ll listen till the very end.”

“We were devastated,” Luke began. “All of us. Our families. Calum and Ashton were, too, even though they tried their best not to let it show.

“The moment I was conscious enough to realise what had happened to Daniel, a very dark phase of my life began. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I hated how self-centred I was. I knew I was missing something, but I was so caught up counting my flaws that I couldn’t focus on that.

“I felt like I was alone, also. The first time Michael told me not to blame myself, he hesitated and I didn’t believe him. Later, he told me it was because he was struggling with feelings of guilt himself.

“He didn’t want to say this was no one’s fault because he felt it was his. And I mistook his cautiousness, thinking he just wanted me to feel better. But…after a while he approached me again, in a completely different manner as he’d realised he wasn’t to blame, and that was why I started believing him.”

Luke cut himself off to swallow, his eyes slightly shining with tears. However, he soon continued to explain.

“After that, it was easier. Being with him made it better. We spent a lot of weeks grieving together, until we got to the point where we decided it was enough. We went to therapy together. We built a shrine for Daniel, since we couldn’t bury him.

“That’s where Michael’s plush lion went – it’s sitting atop of a huge stone in our garden, guarding the memory of Daniel.”

Arzaylea couldn’t help but smile at his words, which sounded so pure yet sad. Her eyes had grown watery, too, during Luke’s speech, but she tried her best to hold it in. Finally, she was getting the answers she had wanted, and she was not going to disturb him.

“Finally, Michael and I were ready to come out. We didn’t announce it like Ashton did, we just stopped hiding from everyone and paying attention to who was watching us. I was very scared then – hell, I still am.

“I haven’t really changed, after all.”

“Wh-what about the eating thing?”

Arzaylea’s inquiry came out shakily only, and she had her hands pressed together as she anxiously awaited an answer. From all of the things she had thought of, this had been bugging her the most.

She had spent many nights awake, pondering on the night when Luke had deliriously admitted to having purged. She had always wondered if she had misunderstood him in any way because she hadn’t heard anyone mention it ever again.

However, here she was, asking the question she had been dying to know the answer to.

“Oh, that…”

Luke’s mouth curved upwards, but his smile wasn’t a happy one.

“Well… I should say I’m sorry for making you worry like this, I guess. It wasn’t nice to just tell you like that.

“It’s true that I did stuff in the past. I’ve always hated my appearance and how big I seem, even when I was with you. Back then, I used morning sickness as an excuse to throw up as much food as I could. Most of the time I didn’t make myself throw up deliberately… I just didn’t do anything to prevent it, either.

“Well, I guess I kept telling myself that people would notice later if I could lose some weight, because the baby bump would be less noticeable…”

Luke’s eyes were now bright with crystalline tears and finally, a single one escaped his eyes and made its way down his cheek, followed by another few lonely ones. But then, much to Arzaylea’s surprise, he smiled, and this time, it was genuine.

“I haven’t really stopped disliking myself since then – but I’ve learned to accept self-hatred as part of my character. It’s just who I am. I can’t change it, but knowing about it will prevent me from making the same mistakes twice.”

His voice broke at the end, but he kept smiling as Arzaylea took his hand between hers, gently caressing his skin. Oh, how had she missed him?

She felt like she was going to explode, from relief, from sadness, from happiness to have him right in front of her, as she quietly asked, “you’re fine now?”

He shook his head.

“I’m not fine. But I’m better. I have Michael, I have my band and my family. I hope I have you, too. You really brought out the best in me for a while, Arzaylea, and I’d like to do something for you in return. I’d like to revive our friendship.”

“Hmh…”

“So, do I have you?”

And then, she finally smiled, her expression matching his as she leaned over the table to hug him tight.

“You’ll always have me, Luke.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...it's finally over...I can't believe this...wow.
> 
> It feels so good to be able to end this fanfic and know some ppl acc took the time to read it. I wanna say a huge thanks to everyone who gave kudos (WE REACHED OVER 100 GUYS IM SO PROUD AHHHHHH), to everyone who bookmarked and subscribed, and especially to the ones who took the time to comment.
> 
> (also thanks to amelie who listened to my rants abt this fic for like, half a year before i acc started to write).
> 
> I rlly hope you will end this with a smile and you'll say 'well, I enjoyed reading that at least a little'. Thank you all for your time!
> 
> About what I'm working on... I acc am working on sth, but it's a multifandom kpop thing (basically bts ft. a lot of jackson and got7 and block b and probably astro in the future). If you want to read my old works, you can do that [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaloop/works) . 
> 
> Finally, if you want to talk to me you can do that on my [art account on Insta](https://www.instagram.com/_artistic_whale_/?hl=de) . 
> 
> Well, I guess it's time to say goodbye then. *sniffled* See you all :)


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